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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave piles of his stuff on the floor?

46 replies

StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 20:58

SO dh and I have been together for 16 years now and are at the stage where we sort of rub along OK but our marriage is not exactly a shining example of harmony. We don't argue, just snipe and sulk a bit and get mildly irritated with each other. One of our biggest issues is that he is messy and never puts things away / I move his stuff and put things in places where he can't find them - depending on whose side of the fence you are. In my defence I am SAHM so that is my job description, also dd is disabled so things need to be clear so she can get around.

So this morning he got up at 10.15 (gripe 1, he has a lie-in every weekend, both days, gripe 2, he had agreed to get up at 9.45 to take ds out). He got ready and then started organising his sports kit for this afternoon (gripe 3, he always leaves things to the last minute which has a knock on for dcs who are always hanging around waiting for him).

He couldn't find part of his kit and lost his temper completely, shouting at me to bloody well find it RIGHT NOW as I had obviously put it somewhere ridiculous. I checked the places where the kit should have been put away but no joy. By now he was shouting at ds too who was asking when they were going out and shouted that actually they probably wouldn't go out after all because he would have to go to the sports shop because mummy had lost his kit (gripe 4, dragging kids into things).

At this point I started looking in less usual places for the kit wondering if my mother had put it away when she was here last week and helped with some chores. He then went totally berserk saying that me and my mother are both crazy, tidying up after him all the time, and he is sick of never finding things. He then opened his chest of drawers and threw all his own clothes out onto the floor to see if the kit was in there.

I went downstairs to keep looking and then he checked his kit bag and said "someone has put it back in here". I picked it up, sniffed it and said, no, actually, it hasn't been washed, you never got it out last week did you? . Hhe said nothing, called ds and out they went. Apart from dropping ds off home he hasn't been home and I have been fuming all day at his attitude.

So i guess this must all seem totally trivial, but you have no idea how upset I am by his attitude - I don't imagine he really thought he would find his kit, so he just wanted to make a point by making a huge mess to upset me I guess. I hate seeing his stuff and it is in my way, but I want to leave it there.

Or am I being pathetic too?

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 07/05/2011 21:00

No you are not being pathetic, he is displaying wankerish behaviour and being a selfish twat.

Flounder · 07/05/2011 21:01

He is being a fuckwit. You are a SAHM, not his valet. I would buy a big box and anything left around of his gets put in it.

AgentZigzag · 07/05/2011 21:04

There's no way I'd look for anything for someone who was shouting for me to 'bloody well find it RIGHT NOW', I'd tell him to go fuck himself and his lost item.

Then for him to start taking out his tantrum on your DC also puts him in a pretty bad light.

I'd get a big box, and anything I saw of his would go in it.

Then he could sort it out at his leisure.

You've taken on responsibility for a lot of the housework, but that doesn't exempt him from doing fuck all and acting like a toddler.

needafootmassage · 07/05/2011 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 07/05/2011 21:05

x posts with the box Smile

Yes, wankerish fuckwittery Grin

I like that.

Meglet · 07/05/2011 21:06

He is the one being pathetic.

Will he be ok if you talk to him about it and point out how unreasonable he is being?

moondog · 07/05/2011 21:07

Pathetic?? You??
Are you insane.

He sounds like an utter prick.

Original poster
StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:09

Thanks girls, it is so hard sometimes to know if he is right and I am being unreasonable. At the time I did have a flicker of thought not to help him, but I was convinced that I must be at fault somehow.

He does a pretty good line in PA so I guess his "apology" will be more like "FFS I suppose you are sulking now are you? Well can you blame me after you lost my footie boots last year?" etc etc

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 07/05/2011 21:10

Why do you think he believes he's not responsible for helping around the house or getting himself sorted to go out OP?

pooka · 07/05/2011 21:11

You know what, I can vividly remember behaving like your dh when I was about 8 or 9. I remember raging at my mother because icouldnt find something or other. Of course it was her fault and so unfair whine whine moan moan.

I am so ashamed now - how she managed to avoid clouting me I don't know. What she used to do was ignore me completely. Until I ran out of steam and realised what a prat I was being.

Te point being - I was pre teen child. She was my mother. You are not your dh's mother and he is a twat behaving like a child.

AgentZigzag · 07/05/2011 21:11

Don't take responsibility for how he decides to behave.

Refuse.

Point blank.

onepieceofcremeegg · 07/05/2011 21:11

I wouldn't put up with this crap, seriously.

Feel sad for you.

What are the good points in your relationship?

He sounds disrespectful and abusive, and is not bothered about displaying this to his own dcs.

textfan · 07/05/2011 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:14

No, he will never think of himself as being unreasonable. Similar things like this in the past he just shrugs off - i wasn't shouting, I was just making sure you could hear me / just in a hurry and a panic to find it etc.

When it is something like this he feels perfectly justified to have a go at me because in all the years we have been together I reckon there have been a handful of times where he couldn't find soemthing immediately because I put it away, and one famous occasion of missing football boots which never turned up which I have the blame for too. On that occasion he had me out in the garden at midnight with a torch to see if they were in the shed. He then rescued a bag of old shoes from an outside cupboard and threw them across the kitchen and left them for me to clear up the next day. I had no choice as dd crawls and there was mud and goodness knows what else on there.

OP posts:
redexpat · 07/05/2011 21:17

YA so NBU! Appauling behaviour. May I suggest a box or basket of some kind in a corner, and then whatever he leaves around gets put straight in there? Then he has no one to blame but himself.

Flisspaps · 07/05/2011 21:20

Never mind putting his stuff in the box, if he carries on threaten to put him in a fucking box.

Original poster
StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:21

But I just can't live like this. I try and ignore it when he is untidy and leaves stuff out but it is so hard. Each room of the house is growing a pile of his crap that he can't be bothered to put away but at some point I know I will crack. i don't want to live in a hovel and I don't want dcs to live like that.

For example, he won't ever put his plate in the dishwasher, he leaves it on the kitchen surface on top - if I ignore it then I will have a matching one the next day and the next day until we run out of space so i have to tidy them eventually.

With regard to most things though his POV is that I am a SHAM and he earns the money, those are our roles, so therefore it is up to me to do absolutely everything else with the kids and home. So he makes me out to be totally unreasonable for expecting him to lift a finger, when that is my job.

OP posts:
Flounder · 07/05/2011 21:21

Does he have any good points? Am hoping that the good outweighs this nasty streak.

Flisspaps · 07/05/2011 21:22

Oh I see.

He's confusing SAHM with skivvy.

unavailable · 07/05/2011 21:25

Please dont clean up after him. Just leave it; dont talk about it and see what he does. If he has any decency he will tidy up without prompting and then apologise.

Flounder · 07/05/2011 21:25

SAHM role does not mean 7 days a week/24 hours a day IMO. He doesn't work those hours outside the home, so you don't need to do everything at home. You are not his bloody servant.

AyeRobot · 07/05/2011 21:25

He sounds horrible, StickyFloor.

There's a poster on this thread who is having similar problems, although without the outright abusiveness. Maybe some of the replies on there will help you get some clarity.

Original poster
StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:28

Well, the underlying issue is that he thinks I am incredibly lucky to be a SAHM and about 10 times a day tells me and anyone else listening how lucky I am and that he would do anything to swap with me.

When he is with the kids he tells me how much fun it is and I am so lucky to spend mroe time with them than he does. Now they are at school he prerceives me to spend my days sitting watching daytime TV and spending his money and he completely resents me for it. The though of me then asking him to chip in at home too is, to him, a total joke.

FWIW I do indeed watch daytime TV sometimes and go for coffees with other mums too. But I work a tiny bit from home too and earn about 20% of what he does, which helps keep us afloat. I also deal with all dd's medical stuff and get up 6 times a night for dd and haven't had a proper night's sleep in 7 years. So I don't actually consider myself to be that lucky, I just do what I do.

OP posts:
onepieceofcremeegg · 07/05/2011 21:30

At the risk of sounding harsh I would end the relationship. You don't seem to be able to answer those of us who have asked about his good points. Sad

purpleknittingmum · 07/05/2011 21:31

YANBU

I am not a SAHM, never could be, but since when did that mean you are like Flisspaps says, being treated like a skivvy?

not a good example he is setting for your son

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