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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to leave piles of his stuff on the floor?

46 replies

StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 20:58

SO dh and I have been together for 16 years now and are at the stage where we sort of rub along OK but our marriage is not exactly a shining example of harmony. We don't argue, just snipe and sulk a bit and get mildly irritated with each other. One of our biggest issues is that he is messy and never puts things away / I move his stuff and put things in places where he can't find them - depending on whose side of the fence you are. In my defence I am SAHM so that is my job description, also dd is disabled so things need to be clear so she can get around.

So this morning he got up at 10.15 (gripe 1, he has a lie-in every weekend, both days, gripe 2, he had agreed to get up at 9.45 to take ds out). He got ready and then started organising his sports kit for this afternoon (gripe 3, he always leaves things to the last minute which has a knock on for dcs who are always hanging around waiting for him).

He couldn't find part of his kit and lost his temper completely, shouting at me to bloody well find it RIGHT NOW as I had obviously put it somewhere ridiculous. I checked the places where the kit should have been put away but no joy. By now he was shouting at ds too who was asking when they were going out and shouted that actually they probably wouldn't go out after all because he would have to go to the sports shop because mummy had lost his kit (gripe 4, dragging kids into things).

At this point I started looking in less usual places for the kit wondering if my mother had put it away when she was here last week and helped with some chores. He then went totally berserk saying that me and my mother are both crazy, tidying up after him all the time, and he is sick of never finding things. He then opened his chest of drawers and threw all his own clothes out onto the floor to see if the kit was in there.

I went downstairs to keep looking and then he checked his kit bag and said "someone has put it back in here". I picked it up, sniffed it and said, no, actually, it hasn't been washed, you never got it out last week did you? . Hhe said nothing, called ds and out they went. Apart from dropping ds off home he hasn't been home and I have been fuming all day at his attitude.

So i guess this must all seem totally trivial, but you have no idea how upset I am by his attitude - I don't imagine he really thought he would find his kit, so he just wanted to make a point by making a huge mess to upset me I guess. I hate seeing his stuff and it is in my way, but I want to leave it there.

Or am I being pathetic too?

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 07/05/2011 21:31

Put everything in a (several) black bin bag(s) and put them on the front doorstep.

moondog · 07/05/2011 21:32

Why haven't you had a proper night's sleep in years? This always gets my radar going.If there are two people in a home, surely they take it in turns if they have a child who has problems sleeping?

Inertia · 07/05/2011 21:32

He's being a twat. You are not his slave. You are a stay-at-home-mum to your children- you are not his mother.

His utter selfishness is even harder to fathom given that your DD needs the house to be particularly accessible- he's even willing to inconvenience his daughter / compromise her safety in order to prove a ridiculously skewed point.

In our house I do the dishwasher as I'm quite particular about stacking it correctly, so DH clears the plates and stacks them ready to load- we work as a team (he works, I am a SAHM, so obviously I'l load the dishie when he's on his way out to work).

I'd be tempted to put a basket in each room for DH's stuff, explain that you don't want to get grief for putting stuff in the wrong place, so anything you find lying about will go in there for him to store appropriately.

I'm afraid I have no solution for the fact that he's being a self-absorbed, entitled prick.

purpleknittingmum · 07/05/2011 21:35

sorry, skim read, example for your kids not just your son

Original poster

StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:36

He has many good points, but after all this time I find it hard to pick them out from all the bad points.

But I won't leave him. We have a generally happy stable home and the kids adore him and he is great with them, and we couldn't manage things separately financially, not least because of dd's SN. Not the best endorsement of any marriage, but put it this way, I think things would be worse for dcs if we split than they are ifs we carry on, so for that reason alone I would not leave.

OP posts:

Flounder · 07/05/2011 21:36

Please read the thread that AyeRobot linked to.

This issue is not about housework, but about his complete lack of respect for you

moondog · 07/05/2011 21:37

Please answer the sleep question.

SuchProspects · 07/05/2011 21:37

OP - "For example, he won't ever put his plate in the dishwasher, he leaves it on the kitchen surface on top - if I ignore it then I will have a matching one the next day..."

You won't have another one if you serve up the next nights dinner on last nights plate.

I don't really suggest that this (or any kind of housework strike) is likely to be very productive, though if I'd been living like that for years I might feel like doing it anyway. It sounds like you two need to either split up or re-find some mutual respect for each other. I am very sorry you are stuck with someone who is treating you so appallingly. Best of luck.

Original poster

StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:38

He won't get up at night because he needs to sleep so he can go to work. I on the other hand can catch up on zzzs during the day whilst they are at school if necessary. Same rationale why he needs lie-ins at the weekend but I get up with the kids.

OP posts:

Flounder · 07/05/2011 21:38

Would he respect your opinion enough to go to relate?

moondog · 07/05/2011 21:39

So yuyo have told us how crap he is and now we agree you are defending him?

What about holidays?
Do you sleepn then uninterrupted?
How many kids have you?
What ages?

Original poster

StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:40

Since I became a SAHM he respects nothing I say or do, and any problems or issues are perceived to be mine.

OP posts:

moondog · 07/05/2011 21:40

No, SAHMs aren't generally accorded much respect.

Fact

Inertia · 07/05/2011 21:41

Cross-posted with your later messages.

He's clearly being provocative here, not just thoughtless- he is trying to humiliate you over this because he thinks he's your keeper.

You could try writing up a list of all the things you currently do to maintain your children's care (DD's medical care/ appointments/ wakings , school pick ups etc) and the household tasks ( cleaning/ cooking/ finances/ laundry etc), as well your own financially-remunerated work. Then sit down with him and the list, tell him that it would appear that he wants you to work full-time too, and suggest that you look at how to allocate particular tasks on particular days.

In our household, DH is happy for me to be at home, because he knows that his job would be a hell of a lot harder if he was required to manage child care juggling, household tasks, the banking, ferrying children to clubs etc. Your DH would find his workload far more difficult to manage if he also had to take on an equal share of your current responsibilities.

Flounder · 07/05/2011 21:41

I think you sound exhausted. Do you have family or a friend that you can get some RL advice from?

Original poster

StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:42

Twins are 7.4. On holiday it is exactly the same re the sleep issue, and he has a lie-in everyday. Hence we only go away once a year because I hate it so much, it's easier being at home where at least there is more stuff to entertain them with!

I am not defending him, I am explaining the thought processes behind how we have ended up with things like this.

OP posts:

moondog · 07/05/2011 21:45

More fool you, then.

Flounder · 07/05/2011 21:46

You don't sound happy. He may have a good relationship with your children now, but they will notice as you become a shadow of a happy and fulfilled woman- if this situation and disrespect continues.

You do owe it to yourself and your children to try and change this, in the long term it will have a negative impact on them. Would you want them in a relationship like this?

Original poster

StickyFloor · 07/05/2011 21:55

No I am not happy, that's for sure. But the alternative is to leave him, and I am pretty sure that while I wouldn't realy miss him as a husband, I wouldn't be any happier. The financial pressure, and the pressure of bringing up the kids alone, especially dd, would be massive. Unfortunately I have no family close by (my mum lives abroad and come to Uk maybe twice a year) so I would truly be on my own, and I doubt he would go out of his way to help us at all.

OP posts:

Flounder · 07/05/2011 22:05

It sounds like he wouldn't go to relate- because it's not his problem or concern if you are unhappy. As long as he can find his footy boots..

Can you really imagine living the next thirty years like this? It will only get worse unless something changes (and it prob won't be him)

Do you think you might be depressed, would be a typical response to living like this

TooJung · 07/05/2011 22:45

My method for encouraging my husband to clear up his plates from the table, for example, is to pick my moment and then at a good time ask him to teach my boys how to tidy up. This appeals to his 'I'm in charge' instincts and means that he gets to teach them to do something useful while demonstrating the value of doing it at the same time.

The opportunities don't crop up every day, but I take advantage of them when they do, generally when I'm just about to go out, so I never see what he and the boys get up to, but I'm convinced it is a good approach!

I like the idea of big baskets in every room, because it takes away the urge to put his stuff in the bin, which would not bring about peace on earth! Also it means that his stuff is still in the room where he left it, and that makes it easier to refind from his point of view and less walking about from your point of view.

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