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Original poster

Would you class this as neglect?

34 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 07/05/2011 16:12

Not asking you to pull your judgey pants up high, just interested in where boundaries lie. My friend turned out fine, but I found her parents behaviour odd and when my mum and I were reminisicing this morning, she described their behaviour as neglectful (we've known her and much lesser extent parents since she was eight). I'm not inviting criticism of this family, I'm just curious as to what people make of different parenting styles...

  • friend did own laundry from age of eight (mum remembers her school shirts were always creased because she wasn't allowed to use the iron)
  • friends parents left her alone with sister for two weeks twice a year to go on holiday by themselves - she was 10 and sister was 18. Not married with a kid 18 but clubbing sixthformer in London eighteen. They coped fine but mum was horrified, always finding excuses to drop in...
  • friend always used to express surprise that we ate as a family and my mum would cook/get a meal together for everyone. Friend used to sort out her own ready meals and she learnt to cook at ours aged 11/12 and did her own basic stuff at home after that.
  • friend had no curfew, parents never asked where she was going/with whom/what time back ... this was zone 2 London. I thought this was great, used to stay over at hers until Mum called one night to ask her mum to pass on a message (just pre my getting a mobile phone) and friend's mum said she didn't know where we were or when we'd be back!
  • friend got pregnant accidently in lower sixth and had an abortion. She told me and my mum about it a few weeks later (she seemed quite kind of detached/in shock) and when my mum asked how her parents had been she replied "really good, they leant me the money for the abortion".

On the other hand, they paid her school fees, got her nice clothes, passed on their old car for her 18th although they were distant, they were there, and - bar the accidental pregnancy and later nights out than my mother would have approved of - friend was well behaved and responsible, so maybe that was just the way it played for them?

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 07/05/2011 16:18

Not neglectful - just quite 'hands off'

GypsyMoth · 07/05/2011 16:18

was this back in the 80's??

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 07/05/2011 16:19

No, nineties and noughties. We're 28 now.

OP posts:
caughtinanet · 07/05/2011 16:20

Is your friend Emma Ridley or Amanda de Cadenet ?

valiumredhead · 07/05/2011 16:21

No not neglectful at all - just different to how you were brought up I imagine.

Sn0wflake · 07/05/2011 16:23

Not the way I would parent.

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 07/05/2011 16:23

No, she's a newly qualified doctor (and a bit younger than ADC unless I've got my facts wrong!)

She was never a tearaway by any stretch. I never thought of her as being neglected, I just thought it was laid back. But just curious as my own mum was neurotic and involved so difficult for me to tell!

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 07/05/2011 16:26

I think certain bits of that are really sad - such as the never eating as a family, having to get your own food and sort out your own laundry from a very early age, parents not seeming to care where you are etc. Not willing to put a 'neglect' label on it, but I recognise that it could potentally make a small child feel unsafe or unnurtured.

Leaving an 18 yr old in charge of a 10 yr old is not really a biggie, imo. an 18yr old is an adult.

There's a lot to be said for encouraging a child to do basic things around the house, learning to cook, learning to clean etc. but if they had to because nobody cared, that's different from the parents gradually increasing responsibility as part of a plan to encourage independent living skills. But you don't know - maybe that's exactly what they were doing or trying to do!

Many people don't iron. I do Grin I iron like mad. But loads of people never iron! I wouldn't think that means anything.

re the abortion, well, some would say she was lucky to have supportive parents who helped her and were there for her. Some girls are too afraid to go to their parents. It says a lot for their relationship that she was able to go straight to them and they helped her.

So, in short, it's impossible to tell.

All that matters though, in the end, is how she feels now about it. She feels it was neglectful. I don't think anyone can tell her she's wrong. It's how she feels.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 16:27

Neglectful in a way, but not abuse, and I can never understand why people like this have children.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 07/05/2011 16:27

Wouldn't call that neglectful, just a permissive parenting style.

darleneoconnor · 07/05/2011 16:34

tbh I think that kind of parenting is a lot less harmful than helicopter parenting

SuchProspects · 07/05/2011 16:44

Nothing you've mentioned sounds like neglect unless there's more to it. People have different approaches to life and so to child rearing. That's a good thing in a liberal democracy.

But as Hectate said, it's one thing to encourage kids to take responsibility and another if they have to do basic things because their parents don't care.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/05/2011 16:47

I'm obviously going against the grain Grin but as I'm of the OP's mother's generation, I would call it neglectful.

The 4 weeks' holiday per year just by themselves -these were a couple who'd had two children, rather than being parents.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 16:48

I would say expecting an 8 yo to do her own laundry, and from the age of 11 to have to cook her own meals slightly neglectful. A child should be allowed to be a child, not have to worry if she has clean clothes to put on, or anything to eat. And leaving a 10yr old with a teenager who is out at nightclubs is not really good either.

Original poster
IHeartKittensAndWine · 07/05/2011 16:50

Hecate - it was my mum who described them as neglectful. She's never described them as that, but then she doesn't talk about them at all. I see the point about the independent living, and although I don't quite "get it" want to keep an open mind for when I have children because my mother's way isn't neccessarily the right way.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 07/05/2011 16:52

oh, sorry. I misread then Blush.

I think somewhere between the two - your mum and hers - is probably the best option.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 16:56

I agree with hectate, it is one thing a child being capable of using the washing machine and the cooker, but another thing altogether when the child HAS to do it daily.

Going away on holiday without a minor, and not leaving them in safe care is dodgy too.

flimflammery · 07/05/2011 16:58

My parents were a bit like that - uninvolved to the point of being distant. I remember my father not knowing what O Levels my sister was doing. And we were often out without them knowing where we were. It's one thing being laissez-faire, but another when you don't feel that they are 'there' for you. But we did eat together as a family and my mother cooked real food for us. Cooking her own ready meals sounds really sad to me.

Bellebelicious · 07/05/2011 17:03

I know you're not asking about social services etc., but this sort of thing wouldn't be called 'neglect'. I think if we're being technical it would be classed as 'good enough parenting'. She was warm/clothed/fed and seemingly happy. But it's obviously far from ideal.

It sounds like her parents were just completely self-obseessed and not very interested in her, which is always Sad.

I think it's the same mentality that allows people to send kids off to boarding school when they are 5 or 8. Is your friend OK? Do you think it affected her? Or did her older sister look after her?

ashamedandconfused · 07/05/2011 17:05

yes I would call that neglectful, not abuse, but definitely neglect - there is a difference between teaching a child how to do chores so they can grow into a confident young adult able to care for themselves, and leaving an 8 yr old to do their laundry or own cooking all the time. and how dreadful they went on holiday themselves and did not take her. how selfish! also not fair on the 18yo IMO. Your mate must be made of strong stuff to have turned out OK - but I would not mind betting that if/when she has kids of her own she parents differently to how hers did

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 17:06

It is emotional neglect, rather than material neglect.

Its all very well having a nice warm home, and money, but if your parents dont actually give a shit about you, or care if you could be in danger, (not knowing where you are at night) then it is crap parenting.

Jaquelinehyde · 07/05/2011 17:07

This makes me feel really sad and is imo neglectful, however, it isn't abuse.

Also these are just snippets of this girls life, who knows how much love and affection she was given at other times.

coccyx · 07/05/2011 17:08

bit harsh to say parents who send their kids to boarding school aged 8 are not interested in them!

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 17:09

Harsh but (in my opinion) true.

If you cant invest the time in raising your own children, then dont have them.

onebigchocolatemess · 07/05/2011 17:10

my best friends mum was a teenage mother so very young and treated her in a similar way - like a friend instead of a daughter - where as my mum was a very 'hands on' mummy. We often used to discuss how we wanted to 'swap' mums and I could never understand as a child why she would want 'smothering' (as it felt to me at the time) parents like mine.
As a mum myself I see exactly what she meant now, and - although I think I will have a slightly more laid back approach than my own parents - I would never want my children to feel as un-nurtured and anything other than absolutely adored as my best friend did (vs. myself)

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