Would you class this as neglect?

[IHeartKittensAndWine]

Not asking you to pull your judgey pants up high, just interested in where boundaries lie. My friend turned out fine, but I found her parents behaviour odd and when my mum and I were reminisicing this morning, she described their behaviour as neglectful (we've known her and much lesser extent parents since she was eight). I'm not inviting criticism of this family, I'm just curious as to what people make of different parenting styles...

• friend did own laundry from age of eight (mum remembers her school shirts were always creased because she wasn't allowed to use the iron)

• friends parents left her alone with sister for two weeks twice a year to go on holiday by themselves - she was 10 and sister was 18. Not married with a kid 18 but clubbing sixthformer in London eighteen. They coped fine but mum was horrified, always finding excuses to drop in...

• friend always used to express surprise that we ate as a family and my mum would cook/get a meal together for everyone. Friend used to sort out her own ready meals and she learnt to cook at ours aged 11/12 and did her own basic stuff at home after that.

• friend had no curfew, parents never asked where she was going/with whom/what time back ... this was zone 2 London. I thought this was great, used to stay over at hers until Mum called one night to ask her mum to pass on a message (just pre my getting a mobile phone) and friend's mum said she didn't know where we were or when we'd be back!

• friend got pregnant accidently in lower sixth and had an abortion. She told me and my mum about it a few weeks later (she seemed quite kind of detached/in shock) and when my mum asked how her parents had been she replied "really good, they leant me the money for the abortion".

On the other hand, they paid her school fees, got her nice clothes, passed on their old car for her 18th although they were distant, they were there, and - bar the accidental pregnancy and later nights out than my mother would have approved of - friend was well behaved and responsible, so maybe that was just the way it played for them?

I agree with squeakytoy. Its borderline physical neglect but the emotional neglect is the worst bit. I grew up in a place full of academics and liberal parents, my parents weren't quite this liberal but getting on for it and and this parenting style was pretty much the norm among my peers. My parents would never have gone away on holiday and left me but by the age of 16/17 I was going out until all hours, not telling them where I was going and staying over at unspecified locations covered by the catch all "staying at a mate's house" with them making no attempt to verify truth. At the time it seemed normal and we would have thought it very old-fashioned and repressive for a parent to have asked where we were going etc. Looking back on it I think it did do some damage in that we never knew where boundaries were and also subconsciously I think I felt that my parents didn't care enough to lay down the law. The impression it gives you is that their lives are more important to them than your wellbeing and emotional wellbeing. I turned out OK but I did get into some sticky situations the severity of which I didn't realize until I was a lot older and a number of my contemporaries went off the rails. Personally I plan to raise my daughter more strictly.

I think it is neglectful. Perfectly fine for a teenager to occasionally make a meal for themselves when they want to eat at a more unusual time or for a child to wash something because they don't want to wait until the weekly washing of clothes is done. But to do these things routinely at a young age is neglectful.

Squeakytoy I think that may perhaps be a bit of a narrow minded viewpoint, re; boarding school. I know of a mum in my village who has 2 children, aged 12 and 16 now. When they were 1 and 5 she was diagnosed with MS. Both kids ended up going to boarding school (although not until senior school age) because by that point, her MS had progressed to the stage where she couldn't physically cope with the demands of 2 children on a day to day basis. It may also have helped her decision to send them to boarding school that our secondary schools are pretty crap round here so in her case I think it was actually the very best parenting decision she could have made, since her kids have a far better shot of a good education where they are, and when they are home she has more energy and time to spend with them. If they were there 24/7 she would get buried under a mountain of daily detritus and never have time to catch up to recover.

Before going to boarding school, I think the kids had an au pair, usually a foreign student who helped out around the house and took them to prep school in exchange for a roof over their head and bus fare to a languages college. One could just as easily say don't have kids and then get a nanny, or an au pair, or use a child minder. It is not necessarily about using every second of your day to invest in your kids, but more about making the decisions that benefit you all best as a family, and using the time that you do have together wisely.

Pious, I can see your point there, but not sure that I can agree with that. My aunt had motor nerone disease, her kids were 5 and 9 when she became confined to a wheelchair, and her husband was her only carer. She died 6 years later.

At no point were the children ever sent away. Life carried on around and including my aunt where possible until she died. My uncle then had to parent alone, and run his business, again sending the children away would never have been a consideration.

For some families I think boarding school is the posh alternative to going into care. If a family because of illness, mental health problems, etc can't look after their children properly, then a boarding school may be the best option.

Not convinced though about sending 7 /8 year olds to board in when their family life is happy.

My folks sound like your friend's parents op. Out of necessity and parenting wasn't a competitive sport back then tho. I daresay some of my friends' parents back then thought my parents were neglectful, but there was a recession and they were busy working to provide. We were a team and worked together.

And I think your Mum is really judgemental.

But not my chosen parenting style

Sending an 8 year old to boarding school is crap, it really is.

Not neglect, but not ideal (too hands off, I wanted my parents 2 b more involved in my life than that).