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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

using this slightly unorthodox approach to stop ds2 from smoking?

41 replies

nickschick · 07/05/2011 13:25

A little lighthearted so dont be harsh besides which ive already done it Grin.

Having lots of very bad probs with ds2 at the minute SadSadSad however despite me asking him not to smoke (he has health implications) in an effort to rebel he stood directly opposite my front window puffing away Angry.

Hes 15 and I know lots of kids smoke etc etc in fact ive advised many of the kids I support (youth group) on how to seek advice to stop.

However this is my son and tactics are a bit different when its your own Wink.

Well there he stood with his mates puffing away so I strolled over with the pics of me when I was young that the other kids have been asking to see - stood there showing them and just 'happened' to show a picture of my mum a week before her death from cancer Sad I was only 11 ......then amid all the sympathetic noises I exclaimed loudly 'and ds2 smokes right outside the house so I can see - would you do that to your mum?'....several of the girls hugged me and even the hardest of lads stubbed their cigs out .....

Ds2 stormed in the house and exclaimed to Dh 'cant you stop her?' Angry.

Grin hes not stood outside smoking since Smile.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/05/2011 13:28

But he still smokes I take it and he's still a child young enough to learn to do as he's told?

I don't know what the answer is really. Have you tried taking things away from him and stopping all money? Sad

Or finding out where he gets them as you have to be 18 to buy them.

strandedbear · 07/05/2011 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2011 13:31

I think if that approach was going to work, the pictures on the cigarette packets would have done the trick by now. Your DS is not standing outside smoking now but if he's still smoking then it hasn't worked, has it?

Knee jerk reactions to your demonstration don't mean much, sorry.

CravingExcitement · 07/05/2011 13:33

Well I hope it works for him, but I'm afraid to say that I often see people dying of smoking related cancers and other illnesses in the course of my work, and I still smoke, and so do many of my colleagues, so it might not be the disincentive that you think, unfortunately.

Original poster
nickschick · 07/05/2011 13:33

Well i tell you what when your kids grow up and become teens hope u are perfect .

OP posts:
CravingExcitement · 07/05/2011 13:37

Didn't mean to cause any offence, just saying that unfortunately it may not be that easy to get him to stop. We all know what damage it causes, but people still smoke. I would be gutted if my child smoked and would do everything I could to try to make him stop, as I'm sure you do. My ds is only 2 though, so can't comment.

worraliberty · 07/05/2011 13:37

I have a 19yr old. I'm not perfect and I'm not suggesting you should be either.

I'm simply asking if you have taken his money supply away and put any other punishments in place for his disobedience and the fact he blatentl disobeys you in front of you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2011 13:47

Sorry if you were offended, OP, I meant that kids/teens can be quickly affected to something 'in the moment' and forget about it again.

Stopping smoking isn't easy; it's even more difficult in children, I think, as they believe that they're immortal and don't see themselves in the position of dying of smoking diseases. I think they might change their minds if they could see people actually living with smoking diseases and the impairments that smoking causes.

As you already advise a youth group, is there something that you include your son in regarding advice and help to quit smoking?

ilovemyhens · 07/05/2011 13:49

Where is he getting the money from to buy them?

I had no money when I was that age.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2011 13:49

Also agree with Worraliberty in keeping money and sources of money away from your son. Cigarettes cost a lot, he can't smoke if he can't fund his habit.

CravingExcitement · 07/05/2011 13:51

Good point re the money. When I started smoking, I remember them being 68p for 10 cigs. Now they're between £7 and £8.

LynetteScavo · 07/05/2011 13:55

OMG, you were so calm! I would have gone out into the street beating my breast and wailing that both mine and DH's grandfather died from lung cancer, and what the hell did he think he was doing????

GypsyMoth · 07/05/2011 13:58

good one Nickschick!!! Grin

dd stopped eventually too...i refused to make a big deal of it,but also pointed out we watched my mum die a horrible death from smoking related illness.....didnt have an effect tho,i found getting a boyfriend (non smoker) DID stop her,as well as me refusing to give her ANY money

GypsyMoth · 07/05/2011 13:59

the money thing doesnt really prevent them tho.......there are ways to gain cigarettes if determined enough......as my older dd pointed out!!

Sidge · 07/05/2011 14:01

Tell him smoking causes impotence.

That might help.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2011 14:02

ILoveTiffany...How did your DD manage to get cigarettes? I'd be interested in knowing, so as to try and 'fix' those methods in advance. Grin

Original poster
nickschick · 07/05/2011 14:06

The thing is we have such a lot of trouble with him at the moment (not ready to go into details but he has a 14 yr old gf who wants a baby Sad shes been in care and seems to be left to her own devices theres lots of lies lots of trouble and over Easter he ran away/run to her 4 times and was arrested once for assaulting a police officer) ....... I am a notoriously strict but fair parent but short of beating him and locking him in the house(which i wont do) i have no choice other than to allow him out albeit restricted (im sat here bloody crying now)- even if i do stop him having money the kids round here go 2s on cigs and use roll ups so it is literally pennies.....also bcos i know all the kids he gets a lot of 'goodwill' theres no hopes of him being served with cigs in the local shops trust me ive been in there with pics of him and his older brother and told the shopkeepers - serve 'em and ill have trading standards on to you!!.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/05/2011 14:08

I know the money thing doesn't prevent it, but in this case it's the blatent disobedience.

I used to smoke at that age, but no way would I have had the brass neck to do it in front of my parents. If I had, I'd have known all about it!!

worraliberty · 07/05/2011 14:10

Cross posted there.

Sorry I didn't realise there was a back story.

GypsyMoth · 07/05/2011 14:13

lyingwitch......at xmas she got in with new group of girls and dd who is 14 went COMPLETELY off the rails. to point where i got her arrested twice for violence in the home,real bad,bad behviour. it was in school too. so smoking started,one of her friends parents bought them for her friend....dd bought them off her individually....20p each or something,so quite easy. so i contacted this mother and said my own dd was to have none! cant believe a parent would do it,but there you go! also spoke to local village shop as they were all hanging round in hoodies trying to look intimidating,bullying locals into getting them on their behalf!! so i told the shop.

dd behaved badly for 4 months and is now through that phase as the 'friends' were getting her into so much trouble. she realised. and is back to her old lovely self now almost! almost. no smoking at all

my older dd said younger kids would act as runners for older kids and get a cigarette for doing things.

never mind drilling it into your own kids.....its others,and their parents,who can enable the habit

Serenitysutton · 07/05/2011 14:15

Oh gosh. I have to say I think the smoking is pretty minor compared to that. He doesn't have any respect for you or your husband (or, if he does you need to ground him. I he doesn't I imagine he'll just climb out the window) still, worth grounding him anyway.

Will he go to court off assulting an officer? Might that scare some sense into him? What about moving home/ school? Are you using his school for advice, support etc?

hairylights · 07/05/2011 14:18

I am pretty sure (but can't back it up right now) that the "scare tactic" has been abandoned in smoking cessation interventions because it doesn't work. I am an ex smoker and used smoking cessation classes ... And it
is all about motivation rather than fear.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/05/2011 14:18

Blimey, ILoveTiffany, it's so easy, isn't it. To have a parent complicit in getting the cigarettes for their child though... unbelievably stupid. I can remember, in secondary school in 1985, that some small shopkeepers would sell single cigarettes.

Good news about your daughter though, the heap of trouble just got too big and she realised that she didn't want it. She won't know for some time just how lucky she was to have dropped the smoking habit before she got truly addicted.

GypsyMoth · 07/05/2011 14:25

i think for alot of kids....seeing the money dissapear on nothing,jolts them into stopping. they have to have a go though,look cool etc. most realise and stop before addiction sets in,. how much are they? £6 a packet now?

nickschick....you are doing your best,as we all are. they want to shock us....and do it more with an audience of friends. i dont rise to it anymore,just remind them of it next time they want some money or need a lift etc!!

jeckadeck · 07/05/2011 14:30

to be honest I think you've got no chance of persuading him to stop at the moment. To give up a smoking habit (and I'm assuming he has a habit by now as opposed to just doing it to piss off his parents) you've got to really really want it and to have a massive incentive, usually either a) health b) financial or c) spousal/social peer pressure. Not sure what the health pressures are on him but unless his life is directly at risk he probably won't give it a second thought. And presumably the last two don't apply. I hate to be fatalistic about it but I think you are better off just tolerating it. Try again when he's in his mid 30s/about to have a kid.