using this slightly unorthodox approach to stop ds2 from smoking?

[nickschick]

A little lighthearted so dont be harsh besides which ive already done it .

Having lots of very bad probs with ds2 at the minute however despite me asking him not to smoke (he has health implications) in an effort to rebel he stood directly opposite my front window puffing away .

Hes 15 and I know lots of kids smoke etc etc in fact ive advised many of the kids I support (youth group) on how to seek advice to stop.

However this is my son and tactics are a bit different when its your own .

Well there he stood with his mates puffing away so I strolled over with the pics of me when I was young that the other kids have been asking to see - stood there showing them and just 'happened' to show a picture of my mum a week before her death from cancer I was only 11 ......then amid all the sympathetic noises I exclaimed loudly 'and ds2 smokes right outside the house so I can see - would you do that to your mum?'....several of the girls hugged me and even the hardest of lads stubbed their cigs out .....

Ds2 stormed in the house and exclaimed to Dh 'cant you stop her?' .

hes not stood outside smoking since .

eh?? how long before an addiction kicks in....a true one i mean?? and how many a day does it need to be??

where does he get the money from to buy the fags

tell him no one wants to kiss someone stinking like an old ashtray :)

How much is he smoking? If you know roughly how many packets can you not run up a tally or if you have the spare cash could you save up the equivalent for say a month or maybe two and then show him exactly how much money he is literally burning away and suggest things he could of bought with it instead.

It is so hard to get youngsters to stop smoking.

They think they're immortal.

Cancer? pah. won't happen to me. That's something that happens to other people.

You can't scare them because they truly feel they're immortal. they can drive how they like cos they won't have an accident. they can take drugs cos they'll be alright.

You just can't get through to them. You can't make them fear emphysema when they're 50 or lung cancer when they're 60 because in their minds, they're never going to be 50 or 60. I truly don't think they can grasp it.

Generally. not each and every one, but generally. I've worked with enough teens to know that - again generally - they think they're going to live forever, illness and accident happens to other people and you're talking shit if you try to claim anything could ever happen to them. Nothing will ever happen to them. Ever.

That's why I thought the money thing might have more of an effect. I know when I was a teen I thought i'd never get addicted etc etc. 50/60 just seems like a fucking long time, to them it the very distant future.

The thing is, they're not going to think ahead. They get cancer, but they also get it happens to people far older than them who have been smoking a very long time. I'd imagine if they look forward at all, they imagine they'll give up at 25,30 (as many do, and indeed I did)

The difficulty is that smoking generally takes time to show disease and I don't know of any children/young teens up to 20 years old who have presented with cancer from smoking. Those ages could be related to... showing what happens in mid-life if you smoke is having no affect whatsoever.

It really needs a 'smoking kids are ridiculous' kind of campaign, anything that steers smoking away from being 'cool'. Adults can make their own decisions but children shouldn't even have cigarettes in their vision.

Nickschick, I think you did well. It's the kind of calm, reasoned but offhand comment which will be likely to stay with him. Even if he doesn't stop now, at least the fact he's not doing it in front of you is proof that he's thinking about the effects it has on you seeing him do that. That's good because at least it shows he's not completely self centred. Also, smoking is a lot less common now once you get past 20-25, and there is a lot of support for quitting. It's extremely likely he will stop before he's 30.

I remember talking with my mum about drugs, I think I'd experimented with weed at this point but nothing else. She told me about friends she had lost to drugs - either because they died or just because they got so into it that they just became wasters. I felt bad, but it didn't stop me a while later trying cocaine, twice. At the time it was great, I thought it was wonderful. Didn't feel guilty as I figured what my mum didn't know couldn't hurt her - but a few months later when I looked back I realised I'd done some really stupid stuff while under the influence and taken risks I never would have when straight, even if I was drunk. So I decided right then that I'd never take any type of drug again, because if something awful happened, and she found out that was why, I couldn't imagine how much that would hurt her.

It didn't stop me doing things at the time, but it made me think later. And even if he never thinks "I don't want mum to see me get ill from smoking" he might well think "I don't want my wife and children to see me get ill from smoking" later on.

Coming down hard and treating him as a child who needs to learn to do as he's told is a bit pointless IMO when he's a year away from being able to get a job of his own, and 3 years away from having legal rights as an adult. I think your approach is good. It sounds like he cares about you, even if he doesn't care much about himself right now, so there is hope :)

they tried that, didn't they? kids laughing at other kids? boy smoking and the girl didn't want him? girl smoking and the guy who had fancied her walked away?

Clearly that didn't work either.

Campaigns showing smoking as uncool don't work because smoking is still cool around their peers. You might say nobody wants to kiss a smoker, but that's not true either. Plenty of people date smokers. Especially if they smoke themselves.

I think one thing helping it become less cool is having fewer characters on TV smoking though. It used to be that if a character was cool and/or sexy and/or a bit of a rebel, he/she would smoke. But now if you see characters on TV, no matter how cool, sexy or rebellious they are, they still don't often smoke. I don't think portraying it as negative works, I think it's a case of any publicity is good publicity. Effectively wiping it out in the media has had more effect, I think.

Fortunately he wont have to go to court the Pc that arrested him whom he assaulted was fab and didnt press charges......tbh you simply cant ground a 15 year old and yes it is right hes a year away from leaving school but I also have a 17 year old ds who certainly doesnt behave like this.

Ds does have long term health probs but since he met this girl things have gone really out of hand.

I never would have believed that my son would cause such fuss and tbh im quite ashamed ......the girls social worker has told me shes 'v. streetwise' and ive seen emails shes sent to ds (her Dad sent them me) saying really crude things -things i wouldnt say to dh and weve been together 20 years and im no prude .

Im not saying everything is down to her but ds struggles to accept his illness and she with no rules to follow gives a very appealing alternative.

Smoking is the least of my worries too but if i let this go im just letting standards as a whole slip and I cant do this.

Also im rather emotional as 4 nights last week were spent waiting up all night for him to return .

The money for smoking thing is irrelevant Im not free with spending money and tend to buy the stuff they need so real cash in their pockets isnt a lot .....as I said most people round here smoke roll ups and 1 packet of tobacco for under £3 makes over 50 skinny roll ups.

Nickschick.. just want to say i'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. i don't really have any advice, and i suspect if there were any simple 'answers' you'd have tried them already.

i guess you just have to be patient and see this one through and remember to look after yourself too.

things do change just because time does pass. i hope this relationship with this girl comes to a natural end soon and your DS's behaviour starts to improve again.

lots of hugs to you.

Ty Jix .

Reading this thread I want a blanket to hide under for 15 years when DC enter their teens!

You poor thing. Its so difficult isnt it? I was grounded at14 though, for 4 months. Just school and back. But he obv can't be trusted to return.

Fwiw I don't think uncool campaigns will ever work. Teens don't give any respect to what the government or their teachers or parents tell Them is cool or not. Itsdriven by their peers.