Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

So what do we think of a man who is a big old sulky chops because

74 replies

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 06/05/2011 21:54

I am going out for the day with old friends, yes there will be exes there too.

I never go out, unless to the cinema or gym ALONE, I have no friends, I visit his sisters and that is ok too but if I want to go out with my own sister or any of my old mates if they happen to be around this is what happens. Silent treatment, threats to dump me, doesnt want to be emotionally involved with me anymore. Doesnt have anything to do whatsoever with me going out for my day out though, Oh No, its just all of a sudden occurred to him that he doesnt like me very much and is not sure he wants to be with me. Funny though that this happens every time I go on this annual day out and any other time where I might be meeting up with old friends.

I have never been unfaithful by the way, just keep in occasional touch with old friends and some ex boy friends with bi annual emails and occasional messages on face book.

What shall we do with a man like this?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 08/05/2011 17:30

He said all this to you as a means to control you, OP. Because he's abusive.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/05/2011 17:33

He is trying to control you and will grind you down until you have no one.

You should be EQUAL to him, no beneath.

Get shot and get some self esteem before you embark on a new relationship.

Xales · 08/05/2011 17:35

Well if he has gone do not let him back until you have had a really serious conversation about what is and what isn't acceptable if you want him back.

Can't think why you would want him back but things are never straight forwards.

You don't have to accept his behaviour, his comments or his nasty behaviour ever.

Cakeybaker · 08/05/2011 17:41

IMHO if you can stay friends with your exes that's a good thing. It shows you are able to move on in a mature way from relationships that didn't work out, not all endings have to be acrimonious. What do you think the chances are of you staying on friendly terms with this twat? Says more about him than you.

TheVisitor · 08/05/2011 17:42

He'll be waiting for you to apologise and beg him to come back now. Don't allow him, as you're free from his control now.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 08/05/2011 17:44

Wanting to isolate you from the world is very dangerous.

You will look back on this and be very pleased that he left.

FreudianSlipper · 08/05/2011 17:47

go out, enjoy yourself, let him sulk and move on

he is a control freak, they only get worse and yes it may be tiring breaking up with him he will probably claim he can not be without you blah blah blah because you have made the decision to move on not him

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 08/05/2011 17:52

Well you all know everything and seem not to see anything wrong in the way that I am "carrying on". He has always been so certain that keeping in touch with exes was not someone one does, I can see how he might feel like that if I was insisting on meeting for coffee or drinks every five minutes but it just isn't like that.

Its this sleazy slant that he puts on that really gets to me the most. He says that I am not taking my relationship seriously and showing that I am "available" by being touch with exes.

Anyway, thanks for all your thoughts, not feeling quite so churned up about the whole thing now, not feeling on top of the world though, it has to be said .

OP posts:

mamas12 · 08/05/2011 18:02

omg I have been there. It is a script. When I eventually got free from my ex and started to find out about emotional abuse and gaslighting etc. I just couldn't believe that what he had been saying to me (exactly what yours has been saying) wasn't just because I was what he said etc.

He will contact you again and demand an apology and even if you didn't go he will still bring the fact that you wanted to go as another assault on you.
Please stand firm he will say all sorts and I will tell you this now that I wish someone had told me at the time
You don't have to listen to him.
Good luck

TheVisitor · 08/05/2011 18:10

No one would expect you to feel on top of the world at the moment. Your relationship has just died, so you do need time to mourn, even if he was controlling and nasty. You just take your time and work on finding you again. x

beesimo · 08/05/2011 18:10

mamas12

I am showing my ignorance again but what is 'gaslighting' please?

Vicky2011 · 08/05/2011 18:13

To say you are better off without this vile man would be a massive understatement. I understand you don't feel like this now but it really is cause for celebration that he has gone.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 08/05/2011 18:17

It's a form on psychological abuse. Gaslighting

LadyWithErmine · 08/05/2011 18:18

I have previously vetoed DH going out with an ex. I wasn't happy with it, and told him so.

So he didn't go.

Maybe he should dump me.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/05/2011 18:25

Stand firm, don't be tempted to let him back into your life/home, and you'll find that one day soon you'll wake up and think 'what shall I do today?

Then you'll get the high of realising that you're free to do exactly what you want without the asshole laying a guilt trip on you.

When that day dawns your life will be your own again - and the world'll be your lobster.

The toast is 'Onwards & Upwards'

expatinscotland · 08/05/2011 18:32

LadyE, he doesn't even want her visiting her own family.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/05/2011 18:38

You don't trust your DH going out alone with an ex, LadyWithErmine?

What's that about?

mossi · 08/05/2011 18:43

I had an ex like this. The trouble is, you either end up arguing all the time about it, or you end up with no friends. Systematically my ex managed to bully me out of seeing virtually everyone. It got to the point where I hated him.

His behaviour got worse and worse in that he would no longer go anywhere with me - in case I started looking at other men. So we never went anywhere together.

It's controlling, possessive behaviour. In my case it didn't improve. He had to go. Just a warning though, he was extremely hard to get rid of - lots of stalking like behaviour followed.

OldMumsy · 08/05/2011 19:04

You already know the answer or you wouldn't ask. The solution is to walk and remake your life. Been there and have several t-shirts. Good luck my dear. xx

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 08/05/2011 19:07

I am not going out with an ex specifically though. I am going out with a whole big group of people of whom a couple are exes from YEARS ago, one from when I was 16! They are all married as well.

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 08/05/2011 19:21

Honestly, what would you say to someone whose partner was sabotaging any chance of her having friends? You would tell her he is a controlling bastard.

If he was lovely in any other way, I would take beesimo's advice and just laugh at him and go out. But I think he sounds pretty unpleasant and completely emotionally fucked up. It is NOT NORMAL to have no social life whatsoever beyond your DP - his attempts to keep things this way are completely unreasonable.

RunsWithScissors · 08/05/2011 20:51

He cheated on you in the past. He is now accusing you of almost the same thing (or at least implying that you are "uP for it".

Seems to me he either a) still feels guilty for what he did, and to assuage his guilt wants you to be in the wrong or, b) is someone that would cheat with an ex/ be unable to have just a friendship with them.

My dad always says that the people that are least trusting are the ones that are the most untrustworthy.

YANBU

cjel · 08/05/2011 21:22

Poor you , I hope you can find some strength in the people here who have been through similar. Sounds like this day out could be the chance you need to pick up a new life with your mates and use it as springboard for new life.xxx

changeforthebetter · 11/05/2011 16:45

Just popped back to see how you were. Glad he has gone. Let him have his childish concept of dignity. He thinks he has dumped you and hopes you'll want him back. Mourn your dashed hopes (let's face it, he did not treat you well, abusive cheats don't) and move on. Good luck

Flip

1 2 3