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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So what do we think of a man who is a big old sulky chops because

74 replies

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 06/05/2011 21:54

I am going out for the day with old friends, yes there will be exes there too.

I never go out, unless to the cinema or gym ALONE, I have no friends, I visit his sisters and that is ok too but if I want to go out with my own sister or any of my old mates if they happen to be around this is what happens. Silent treatment, threats to dump me, doesnt want to be emotionally involved with me anymore. Doesnt have anything to do whatsoever with me going out for my day out though, Oh No, its just all of a sudden occurred to him that he doesnt like me very much and is not sure he wants to be with me. Funny though that this happens every time I go on this annual day out and any other time where I might be meeting up with old friends.

I have never been unfaithful by the way, just keep in occasional touch with old friends and some ex boy friends with bi annual emails and occasional messages on face book.

What shall we do with a man like this?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 06/05/2011 22:43

Do you have children together?

onceamai · 06/05/2011 22:43

What would we all suggest for a dp/dh who went for days out without his dp/dw with old friends, including ex girlfriends.

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 06/05/2011 22:46

by telling me he doesnt want to be emotionally involved with me anymore and is questioning whether he wants to be in a relationship with me, he has broken up with me really hasn't he? even if he is just pretending.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 06/05/2011 22:46

It'd depend on how recently the ex became an ex onceamai, how long together, why they broke up, how they felt about them.

And of course how you felt about it.

Deflatedballoonbelly · 06/05/2011 22:47

Manipulative mother fucker. Been there, done that.

Bin.

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 06/05/2011 22:47

Not "days", one day, each year, to which he is invited but doesn't want to go to because he doesn't like those kinds of people.

OP posts:

SalmeMurrikAgain · 06/05/2011 22:48

onceamai - errr, I'd say that he can have his own friends, and if ex-girlfriends is an issue, have it out with him. Don't assume that there must be something going on without good reason, or you will look like a jealous controlling idiot. Will that do?

worraliberty · 06/05/2011 22:49

Do you have children together OP?

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 06/05/2011 22:51

Yes, we have dc.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 06/05/2011 23:26

That's a shame that so many people decided you should dump him without first finding out if you have children together, and then perhaps suggesting relate or some sort of other counselling

He does sound like a jealous, needy twat though.

changeforthebetter · 06/05/2011 23:34

Yes, come on OP "stand by your man" and "fight for your relationship FFS"

What shal we do?? I'd dump the fuck from a great height but seriously, he controls your whole life. There are women who think it is OK to live like this but I have a suspicion you may have crawled out from under that rock and have decided, actually it is not OK. Who is this bloke who decides where you go? Are you mentally instable and not capable of going out alone? Nope, thought not. Dumpity, dumpity, dump darlin'

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 08/05/2011 17:03

Well all of this resolved because he has left me over this.

It is all my fault because I get "kicks out of hanging round with my exes".

Am I wrong for not giving up my one day a year out? He thinks so and says I have given up my relationship for it.

I have slowly but surely given up everything and this was the one last thing I held on to and this is what it has cost me.

I honestly dont know what to thinnk now.

OP posts:

Maybeitsbecause · 08/05/2011 17:04

He sounds horrible. Good riddance to the tosser. Insecure, feeble-minded, jealous twat.

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 08/05/2011 17:09

Really? I need to feel better about this because my head is all over the place. Was I right to insist on doing this? Someone on here posted that I should reverse the situation and would I mind if he met up with exes. I might have had twinges but the main point is he wouldnt have cared less about my concerns and would have done it anyway and I certainly would not have left him over it.

He has done so much to me, actually been unfaithful, way off in the past. He now says he can and will be actively looking for someone else now as I have shown him where my priorities lie by insisting on going on this day out.

OP posts:

RJRabbit · 08/05/2011 17:10

Poor, poor you. Now he's gone, it's time to work on getting your identity back - you know, that one he's slowly but surely stolen from you?

Maybeitsbecause · 08/05/2011 17:14

No sane, decent man insist on his partner not meeting up with friends... and leaves her over it. He is a deeply inadequate human being.

expatinscotland · 08/05/2011 17:15

He is a classic abuser. You've had a very lucky escape! Please, get on some threads here that support people who've been in abusive relationships.

AccioPinotGrigio · 08/05/2011 17:20

You did nothing wrong in no cancelling your plans to appease him. In a reasonable, adult relationship he would be your cheerleader telling you to go out, relax and have a great time. His reaction is neither reasonable nor adult. IMO by actually following through on his threat he has done you a favour, albeit very sad that you have children together. However, in the words of the great poet 'my story is old but it goes on', plenty of men and women hook up and have kids with unsuitable people.

I really hope you can find your self-confidence soon so that you can get through the next few days, weeks, months of adjusting to life without him in it. By the sounds of it things can only get better.

saffy85 · 08/05/2011 17:24

Get the fuck away from this overgrown toddler. Honestly why put up with this shit? Sulking? Like a child? don't even accept that behaviour from my 3 year old.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 08/05/2011 17:24

I don't believe in staying with someone just for the sake of the kids. I do believe that someone who always sulks to get their own way is controlling.

"I have no friends, I visit his sisters and that is ok too but if I want to go out with my own sister or any of my old mates if they happen to be around this is what happens. Silent treatment, threats to dump me, doesnt want to be emotionally involved with me anymore."

This to me says you and the dc will be better off without him. You deserve better than someone who treats you like that.

Having just reread one of your posts which says he's been unfaithful to you suggests to me he's applying his own standards to you.

OP if you can get some counselling, I suspect this man has done a lot of damage to your confidence and self esteem. Post this on the relationships board where you will get a lot of help and support.

expatinscotland · 08/05/2011 17:26

Isolating a person from family and friends with threats and manipulative behaviour is a known feature of emotional abuse.

This person is abusive.

You need help and support IRL to get out of the cycle of abuse.

saffy85 · 08/05/2011 17:26

Xposted. Yay! He's gone. I strongly advise another major night out to celebrate. Get in touch and keep in touch with old friends and enjoy yourself making up for lost time.

Original poster

ineedasaagbhajiNOW · 08/05/2011 17:28

Thanks, it is very helpful to read these posts. I know that his behaviour is wrong, honestly I do but there is a part of me that feels guilty and that I have caused this. I feel dirty really, like I am the things that he says at am.

At the beginning,when we had only been seeing each other for a few days I went out for a drink with an ex and another friend of mine and he has always held this up as a reason for not trusting me. We had literally been seeing each other for about four days. He has always said that my insistence on keeping in touch with old boyfriends has screwed up the relationship. By keeping in touch I mean the occasional email (twice a year if that), ONE PHONE CALL, where they rang me to check if I was still on a certain number and this annual day out.

I am prepared to hear if I did actually cause it with this stuff. I would prefer to know now and then I can get my head straight.

OP posts:

beesimo · 08/05/2011 17:28

I think you need to stop taking this so seriously OP just say 'I'm going out with my friends and you can either like it or lump it bonnie lad' then go out. My DH has a jealous streak and when we first started courting he used to want chapter on verse on what I was doing when I wasn't with him, ie when he was out drinking with his mates! I would give him a brief outline and then if he started going off I would just say 'I'm not stopping in Aunty Nellies bedroom hiding behind the wallpaper to suit you bugger off'

Don't let a man put his boot on your neck OP it wouldn't be good for either of you he will become a right bully and you'd end up a wet lettuce. Have some guts and stand up for thy self

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/05/2011 17:29

No OP, you are not wrong. It is one day a year and he was invited, and you were not hanging round with your exes - you were catching up with old friends. He has done his level best to isolate you, well done for clinging on to something of yourself.

And as for what it has cost you - I think it likely you will come to see his leaving not as a cost but as a benefit. The true cost to you has been the years of isolation, the loss of the daily friendships that make normal life pleasant.

And you have not given up your relationship - or at least not what any sane person would call a relationship. What you have given up is a state of being controlled by a jealous bully. And even that was 'given up' by him - although I have to say it sounds more like a desparate attempt to fully control you by forcing you to give up that last sliver of self.

Hang on in there. You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is.

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