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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice re going back to work

29 replies

RubyGrace17 · 06/05/2011 21:38

Hi everyone,

I have 3 DDs- ages 5, 3 and 4 months.
I am a primary school teacher, I have not worked since DD1 was born. DH is a solicitor and works very long hours, travelling quite a bit so really the childcare is all on me in mornings and evenings until around 8pm when he comes home (by which time unless holidays, children are in bed!) but on weekends/holidays he is fantastic.
I've been considering returning to work for many reasons. I really miss it, before I left I was working my way up the ladder and was in a temporary DHT position in my school which has now been advertised again as a permenant position starting in August (we're in Scotland). We're very lucky in that money isn't much of an issue for my going back to work but I think for my own sanity, I would really like to get back into work and I worked very hard to get to where I was when I left.

The issue lies with DH. He doesn't understand why I want to go back to work when I don't "have" to. He would much rather I stay at home and look after the children and is the reason I completely gave up work in the first place instead of taking maternity and going back.

I'm really torn I adore being with the girls and doing lots of different things with them, being there to take them to all their classes, helping out at their clubs, on playdates etc. but I really feel like I need to get "me" back and feel it is time for me to get back into teaching. I have been considering it for a while and now that this job has come up (no guarantee I'll get it, of course), I think the time is right.

There are lots of issues with it- who will look after the girls. I would probably get a nanny since DD2 and 3 are still quite young and I think I'd rather they were looked after at home by one person I could trust.
However, by the time we have paid a nanny from (approx) 7-6 five days per week, plus late nights/parents nights etc., DH argues it'll barely be worth my while working as I'll be missing out on that time with the girls for not a great deal of money when all is paid. But this is because he doesn't understand why it's important to me to be back into the world of work, back doing what I love and have spent a great deal of time building up a career in. With teaching I'm lucky in that I'll still be able to have lots of time with my girls in the holidays, unlike a lot of jobs. I think part of it is his own mum was always a housewife and adored that role, still does.

Am I being unreasonable wanting to go back to work? I just genuinely don't know.

Thanks,
Ruby

OP posts:

Swarski · 06/05/2011 21:45

You have to do what is right for you as well as for your DC's and DH. If you are not happy then it affects your relationships with both your DH and dc's.

RevoltingPeasant · 06/05/2011 21:48

I never really understand the financial argument against going back to work; seems incredibly short-termist.

Obviously, it 'won't be worth it' now, but in ten years' time, when your DDs no longer need care all the time, you will have a solid career and a much greater earning potential than you would if you waited till that time to go back to work. Plus if you want a pension you need to think in terms of years of contributions.

I don't have DC yet but I am always rather sketched out by men who try to prevent their wives from working - always strikes me as very controlling....

scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 21:48

if money is no issue you can afford quality childcare

mayeb your dh doesnt want you to return as uo til now he has had oppurtunity to progress,work late,travel, attend any last minute meetings because he had you as sahm with your children

presuably you want to work for number of reasons
autonomy
intellectual stimulation
retrogression
and use your training

you dont have to enact the housewife mammie and hell you dont have to replicate her role either.just because hios mum was housewife doesnt mean you have to be either

for your dh there will never be right time for you to go back to work,as your not working suits him and facilitates him being able to go stellar in his own career.whilst you stagnate

if you want to return do it
you dont need his permission it wont be forthcoming,he will use guilt or blag away for you not to return

sandripples · 06/05/2011 21:49

I don't think you're unreasonable. I had a 3 year break (during which I did a few small work projects) then went back part-ime for 8 years before going full time again, by which time I had 2 Dcs. I am not a teacher so part-time hours helped a lot as I didn't get the hols.

I'd just say be careful about going back full time when your Dcs are young - its really exhausitng, you have to organise life like a military operation and if your DH has reservations you might find working full time a real strain - extreme tiredness - strain on family relationships etc.

Could you appy as a job share??

A nanny would be ideal if you do decide to go for working. Could go very well -good luck with your decision.

scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 21:51

plan and start to look now for a nanny,takes time to get good childcare

penguin73 · 06/05/2011 22:10

I don't think YABU to want to work but to start such a stressful job working very long hours with such young children and a husband working equally hard would concern me - if only for the quality of time with your children and our husband without you both being shattered and subsequently arguing. Is his concern about you working, or about the specific job you want? Would you consider PT, albeit not a DH post, then you get the stimulation you need without having to forsake as much time with your children?

scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 22:12

you need to assert yourself against assumption you will stay sahm or automatically go pt.just so your dh can stroll on in an uninterrupted career

penguin73 · 06/05/2011 22:12

I had to work similar hours when DC was young and having a nanny was a godsend, but hard emotionally hearing about what he had done and knowing I was missing out on so much.

ohmyfucksy · 06/05/2011 22:14

Of course he doesn't want you to go back to work, he probably likes having a full-time housekeeper...

I don't think YABU to want to. If you wait until the youngest is in school that is a lot of time out of the workplace. Do you think you would be able to get back in then?

Maybe you could start part time and see how it goes

scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 22:15

this highlights the folly of giving uo career and dp going stellar.whilst your career stagnated

working9while5 · 06/05/2011 22:24

I think as you have been out full-time you really do need to go back now if you want to go back.

I am six months post-mat leave on my first child and hope to have three in total. I am working 2.5 days a week term time only at present/doing a masters and to be honest, even with this, I can see the impact on my career as there are a great many things I was getting experience in that I am now not involved in due to being p/t e.g I am in a clinical role and I used to work across the age range (early years to secondary) but am currently only working with secondary kids, and already, I can feel that my grasp on developmental norms etc and it's only been a year and a half.

I can see now that if I were to stay doing what I am doing now that by the time I would be in your shoes it would involve a lot of work and tenacity to regain my skills. Sod the level/pay etc, I actually wouldn't be able to do the job.

You are 5 years out. Go back now. Forget the arguments about short-term financials. This is what you want. Your children will be fine.

nannynick · 06/05/2011 22:26

If the nanny were to be paid £10 gross per hour, then based on an 11 hour working day, it could cost you as the employer £31,660 plus the extras like cost of outings and other things - (see What's the total cost of having a nanny?)

You may find a nanny who would agree to a term time only contract, which would reduce the cost a bit... you may find a nanny lower then £10 gross an hour, so the cost could be less, but it might not be. Overtime hours would of course add to the cost.

To get that sort of figure in your take home pay, I think you are looking at getting a job paying £44,000 ish. So, your DH may well be right that financially it's not worth working.

However, this isn't really about the cost of childcare. It is about what you want to do, what makes you happy, what helps to keep you up to date with latest developments in teaching the age group/subjects. You've done the SAHM bit and now want to work again.

Have you looked into what further training you would need to do to get back into teaching, given you have not been teaching for 5-6 years?

ohmyfucksy · 06/05/2011 22:28

Childminders are cheaper, aren't they?

hairylights · 06/05/2011 22:30

You are so not BU!! I'm quite staggered sometimes that in thus day and age the expectation is fir women to stay at home unless there is financial need

nannynick · 06/05/2011 22:33

ohmyfucksy - Possibly, though with 3 children, possibly not. There are pros and cons to each type of childcare. The childcare may be available locally, or may not (in the village I work there are only a couple of childminders - I know a family struggling to find a childminder who will collect from the village school).

RubyGrace17 - you will need to consider many factors in deciding what type of childcare would work for you. Given you have 3 children, I see a nanny as being a viable option as nannies are not paid Per Child.

scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 22:35

bemused women only get permission to return if their is proven financial need.as if money is only reason to work.or for some the only conceivable way of accepting a mum working is that she is financially compelled

dont replicate his mums life,just because she was housewife it doesn't mean you have to

TransatlanticCityGirl · 06/05/2011 22:44

You are not being unreasonable at all, and in fact it sounds like you've given this a great deal of thought and are making the choice that you feel is best for your family.

Why must it be you who gives up your career? Why not him? Yes, he earns more, but does that make him solely entitled to fulfilling his aspirations? And how could you ever possibly "buy" yourself that same right if you are never allowed the opportunity to earn?

I agree entirely with RevoltingPeasant, it's taking a rather short term view to say working now is not worth it. For every year you are out of the workplace you will find it harder and harder to re-enter... There will always be a reason why it's not worth it, but if it means something to you then it absolutely is worth it!

It may be hard initially, but in my experience, overcoming challenge is very rewarding in the long run and you'll be a better person for it.

It sounds like your DH makes an effort at the weekends, and hopefully he'll be able to see how your happiness ultimately benefits the whole family and he'll want to support you. After all I know many men with demanding jobs who still share the load, so it is possible.

Best of luck!

bonkers20 · 06/05/2011 22:46

TBH, I think it will be very hard for you both to work full time with three young children. I think you will miss out on alot. Would you consider working part time, just to keep you ticking over until such time that the children are a little older?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2011 22:48

YANBU. Working is about far more than the money.

And even the money side, as already covered by RevoltingPeasant, is not just about this year's wages.

MissMarjoribanks · 06/05/2011 23:00

My DH would rather I was a SAHM. Like your DH his mum was a happy housewife, though she returned to work when her boys were 7/8 ish (as a teacher, as it happens). I don't have to work as we could live on DH's income alone if we made some adjustments.

However, despite all this my DH understands my need to work for my own fulfilment and I do 4 days a week (and some overtime in the evenings when DS is asleep). I would be a miserable and resentful SAHM. I adore my day off with my DS and our weekends as a family, whereas I was beginning to go insane on maternity leave. DH does all the nursery drop offs so I can get into work early and therefore leave early to pick DS up.

Your DH cannot insist you stay at home. He is entitled to his view that he would prefer you to stay at home, but that is all.

scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 23:24

longer you stay out of work,harder it is to return
snap back to it
and plan what will you do with the kids when you get an interview.maybe familiarise self with agency numbers now

GotArt · 06/05/2011 23:28

Ruby I hear ya! Fortunately my DH fully understands the why's of my needing to get back to work. I think you clearly laid it out in your post here and maybe one of those weekend nights, after the girls are in bed, pop some wine, sit down, and lay it out nicely and perfectly like you did here. I agree with wanting a nanny instead of sending the LO's off to daycare, but that's my personal preference; it just seems easier in the long run.

blindmelon · 07/05/2011 09:37

Honestly? I think it will be hard for you to suddenly go from SAHM to full time work after so long, and equally hard on the kids, especially your 3yo.

I do understand your dilemma, I often find myself dreamily looking at job specs that I would love to do, even though with 2 preschoolers all my salary would go on childcare. Then DD2 wakes up from her nap and I realise she is way too young for me to contemplate it yet. She needs me more than I need to work. (This is just me, I am by no means being judgey of working parents before you all jump down my throat!)

Could you maybe put it off for a year- until your DD2 is in school? That way you will have still spent the first year at home with DD3 and you will be over the sleepless nights phase, giving you more energy for work. Could you not also talk to DH about finding a job that involves less hours so he can help out more and spend more time with the kids?

blindmelon · 07/05/2011 09:37

Honestly? I think it will be hard for you to suddenly go from SAHM to full time work after so long, and equally hard on the kids, especially your 3yo.

scottishmummy · 07/05/2011 20:40

dont procrastinate and prolong just return to work
there is never a perfect time,always a reason to say next month/next year
and only by you returning will your dh be pragmatically forced to look at shred parenting, planning, annual leave etc.at mo you being sahm frees him of all the planning and hard stuff two working parents do

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