To worry about my DSS's weight?

[balia]

Wasn't sure where to put this but DH and I have been getting a bit worried about DSS's weight for a while. He's always been a chunky kid, but he has been gradually getting heavier for ages. At first we put it down to winter months, dark nights, not much exercise, but he's still piling it on.

He is 9, is just shy of 4 ft tall and just under 5 stone. This seems heavy and he looks big (not obese) but am not sure if it is normal for kids to go through kind of chunky phases? My two have always been thin as whippets but is that making me over-concerned about DSS?

Any advice?

It's difficult to say with DC who are 9/10 because anything that gives the stats on their weight are just guidelines, plus their bodies are starting to change so much.

Does he exercise much?

I think if he does there's nothing to worry about, even if he eats some 'crap'.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, and definately not say anything to him, if you do bring it up perhaps do it in a general conversation about the balance of eating/exercising?

You could ring the school nurse. (school will have the number). Ours was very helpful when I had to ring them a while ago.

That doesn't sound heavy. My DD is nine and 4stone 6 - she is as thin as a rake. Not sure what height she is though....
He's probably due a stretch soon.

He plays football once a week (DH takes him) and does PE at school. We have him E/O weekend and try to ensure he does plenty of activities (swimming, bike riding, walking) but that's all. DS (4) can walk farther than DSS, though, and he is very timid of new things or anything that has any risk involved (he's not allowed to go swimming at home, or ride a bike, or play in the park as these things are deemed to be dangerous) Also the NHS calculator says 'overweight'. (And when I did it on round figures - 'obese') His diet at home is very limited - obviously we haven't say anything to him...but how long do you go on not saying anything?

Will ring school nurse - do most schools have these? My DD's doesn't. Wasn't worried a few months ago but honestly - he has love handles and is starting to get man boobs. This can't be good for his health, can it?

His bmi is 21.4. That's a good bmi!

If you are genuinely concerned, then I would imagine you need to get his mum on side. I suppose it all depends on the relationship you have with her....

But you need to be certain that he is overweight as opposed to not being whippet slim.

Does his size affect his quality of life? has he said he feels unhappy with his body?

Ultimately you should act in the best interests of your DSS, but don't make an issue of something that will most likely resolve itself within a couple of years.

It sounds like his mum is very overprotective and he could do with being more active and working on his 'joining in' skills- does he go to cubs/beavers similar non competitive club?

Does your DH have rights concerning taking DS to doctor ?(my ex p doesn't but he does not even know which GP they are with)

For now i think all you can do is offer healthy food and continue with your active weekends, but also remember kids need a rest, and 'quiet time' with NRP as well as activities. resting is as important as exercising iyswim)

In reality children should be thin looking unless they have health issues IYSWIM.

Love handles and moobs - definately not healthy!

I disagree that children should be thin looking, I think I see what you're saying, but my DD isn't 'thin' but she's not 'fat' either, they all have different weights and growth spurts at different times.

I think you can tell if they're overweight, but by looking at their lifestyle rather than body shape.

I'm not talking whippet thin, they should be slim looking (well once well out of toddler hood).

We are too used to seeing children and adults (myself included) that are a little overweight and thinking that is normal. Our lifestyles are so inactive and our diets too high in fats and sugars

Mind you whippet thin doesn't = healthy either does it, some will be some will actually have malnutrition due to poor diet!

the Dept of social security has weight issues ?

WTF ?

It's natural for any parent to generally think 'are they OK' and when it's in the news and that you're going to wonder 'is their weight OK'.

But it's not good to obsess (not saying you or the OP are obsessing).

What I don't like is my DD thinking the stick thin (probably totally naturally) girls at school are how she should be, she's even said things like I should be eating less and exercising more.

I've put it down to her just starting to notice her body, but you don't want to miss something that could become something bigger later on.

I really don't know - it's confusing. He has been through a really chunky stage once before, so it might just be that that is his metabolism? It is hard not to get overly concerned, particularly when we know there are a lot of food issues at home, but then how do you know when there is a real issue? At some point before they can't get out of a chair.

If DH tried to raise the issue with DSS's mother there would be hell on - there are MH issues. And taking him to the Doc's is an idea but again - if she found out she'd be furious and it starts to make it an issue with DSS. The 'quality of life' question is very interesting, DH and I were talking about it last night. DSS is very shy, very reluctant to join in anything. He doesn't take a lot of pride in his appearance (but then he is a 9 year old boy). He spends a lot of time at home on computer games...

Think we'll keep an eye on his weight and try to have some chats about healthy eating etc.

assuming he's just 9, his height is on the 2nd centile and his weight is on the 75th -so yes i think he is quite overweight

Agentzigzag- 'I think you can tell if they're overweight, but by looking at their lifestyle rather than body shape'
Over weight means heavier than they shouldbe for their height-how can you sayit's not about body shape when, almost by definition it is!

All those comparing their DD with the OPs DSS I don't think is relevant becauseI think girls are probably heavier at this age.

Actually he's not quite 9 - will be in a couple of months. Right, trying to be just dead practical about this - he looks overweight, and is certainly much heavier than he was say a year ago, doesn't have a great diet, doesn't get much exercise. There are a lot of issues with food at home. He has school meals, so will have a chat about choices he is making at school. Turkeyburgerthing how do you work out BMI?

It seems like there is a bit of an issue, not a huge worry, and maybe he'll have a growth spurt, but I'd like to find out more about kids, their weight, etc. Where can we go from here for info, without going to the doctors and possibly making too much of an issue of it all?

Balia... my DS was like this but at a little older, 11/12 and he also comsumed carbs voraciously.

He was 'chunky', had man boobs and a pudgy face, but I am sure it was pre empting a massive growth spurt as he shot up about 4/5 inches and has thinned out quite a lot.

While he was in that phase we did pretty well what you have done and encourage exercise (lots of moaning there), monitored his food (even more moaning!) to try and reduce further weight increase.

Also agree to ringing school nurse though, it can;t do any harm and if he is like DS he may get a little self conscious about it.

Hmm...DH has had a low-key chat with his DS and one of the things we're a bit worried about is school dinners. DSS went from packed lunches to school dinners last year, which we thought would be a good thing; variety, fruit and veg, no food issues following him into school IYSWIM. But apparently he is not having the excellent vegetarian option the school offers - one of the cooks makes him a 'special' meal. I've checked the school website again and they do mention that they can provide special diets for those who need them (eg kids with allergies etc) but from what DSS is saying, his 'special' meals are as restrictive as the food he gets at home. So this might be why he has started to pile weight on.

I very much doubt the cook is providing him with a different meal for no good reason???

Well, he's only 9 (almost) so he could be lying (why?). He is having some of the meals - Macaroni cheese, for example, and the veggie chilli, but not the others. If it was just a case of what he remembers eating this week being different from the menu, then I'd think he just couldn't remember, but he said he gets a 'special meal' from Mrs X about twice a week.

Link to nhs site (bmi calculator)

www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Healthyweightcalculator.aspx?Tag=Calculators&WT.srch=1&gclid=CPGoidjLiZwCFWIB4wod105WZQ

Not everyone agrees with these btw.

re the school nurse. If your dss is at a UK state school there will be a school nurse. He/she will likely be based elsewhere, as part of a school nursing team. The school office will have the contact details.

Re special meals at school. My dd attends a small primary school. Mrs J the cook is able to make occasional special meals. e.g. dd is allergic to egg. On the odd occasion that the only menu choice left is egg-based, she will get a fishcake or other option out of her special stash and cook it to order. Could this be the case for your dss? Is he delayed when getting to the dining room meaning there is not much left?

I think you need to accept that you cannot do much with regards your DSS's home life. I think it may be worth you DH finding out what the FSM system is at the school and investigating further these 'special meals'

my sons are on FSM and they have to queue to get their 'meal ticket' then queue to get hot food,usually meaning they get leftovers ie 'I got 2 slices of garlic bread for lunch, it was brill ' it means they dont get a balanced hot meal and it is a problem for me as I currently have no freezer and a shitty plug in baby belling cooker

Your DH needs to be enquiring why your son is not getting the balanced meal at school. like other posts i think tackling the food and activity at home is not a good idea just yet.

Does your DSS do many activities such as cubs, ie non competitive, more about personal development? it sounds like he needs a confidence boost, and i don't think he will get the boost he needs from slimming down necessarily. If, like my sons, his main carer has mental health issues then he probably has an awful lot on his plate scuse the pun and being told he must slim down will add to his problems. ( i have mental health issues, i can see the impact on my kids, i wish my ex's DP was as astute as you!)

I think you and your DP need to do what you can while DSS is in your care for now, and have a good look at how you and DP can support his mum whilst he is with her. you may well be accused of interfering, but if my ex said he wanted to help the boys to be healthy and active i would be overjoyed, providing he wasn't dictating what i can and cant feed the kids of course.

i have had some wine so probly rambling on sorry!

Thanks, very helpful. Have checked out the BMI thing which puts him way up in the 90's at the very top of overweight.

DH will contact the school re the nurse. As far as special meals go, the LEA offer free school meals to all primary school children. They have a choice of 3 options with a rota system so they all get a turn at going first, but DSS is a vegetarian so only has one choice per day. It's possible that if he doesn't like the veggy option they could be doing him something else (he's not very adventurous about food) and as it is on a 3 week cycle they'd know in advance.

He has said he wants to join the Cubs lots of times, but Mum says she can't take him as she goes to a support group for her MH issues on the same night. DH and I have talked about him volunteering to take him, but it would have to be a swap for his midweek contact (when he takes him to football) so not really a net gain. I haven't got any experience of cubs - would it be the kind of thing that would build his confidence?

I took both boys for a long bike ride this weekend and DSS mentioned that his bike at his mum's is broken so DH also offered to mend it (has been 'broken' for a year) when he dropped him off tonight but he said the response was hostile, which probably means there's nothing wrong with it but it is a good way of coping with not wanting DSS to be riding on it (dangerous).

But wise words from nunnyfickname we've also been talking about our contribution to the problem. DH admits that he tends to buy chocolate after football and give DSS fizzy drinks. When we go out sometimes the vegetarian menu can be limited (and DSS is very reluctant to eat out anyway) so he tends to be allowed to have just chips, which I would never let DS get away with.

I need to get more info about veggie diets - I usually just shove a meat substitute into whatever we are having, but if, say, we are having a homemade pie, I'll get a readymeal type substitute for DSS. I never give my kids ready meals so it's laziness really, but i'm also not very confident about being able to give him a balanced diet so prepared stuff seems safer, IYSWIM.

Phew. lots to think about.

I think cubs is worth a shot, if he enjoys it and makes friends then it will build his confidence.

I really wish you felt that you could gain more contact with your dss, every time I read about his situation it just seems very . I guess you need to hope that your dss decides he wants to be thinner which gives you the opportunity to help him.

In the meantime you can spend time cooking with both boys, trying new vegetarian options etc so he does at least learn how and what to cook. Try new low fat/calorie treats - can you get vegetarian jelly???? No fat yoghurts, some treat things that he may ask to have at home.

Will he eat fish?