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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my ex not to go direct to our DS school

40 replies

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 12:42

My ex no longer communicates with me, which I'm glad about but we do have a DS together and there are some things that we should discuss with each other IMO, for example taking him out of school. He does not have PR and only has him a token couple of hours a week. I rang the school to speak with them about something and they said the ex had rang to ask to take DS out of school for the afternoon, he also asked if he could have reports send directly to him about how DS is getting on at school. I was hugely embarrassed. I find it humiliating that ex went straight to the school for this information. I've never ever stopped him attending parents evening but he chooses not to attend. He knows nothing about his DS apart from what he gains from his measley couple of hours a week. Does anyone have any ideas on how to communicate to this man that all he has to do is have more of a relationship with his son and he will know what's going on. Knowing my ex as I do, I suspect it's just another way to show the school that despite reducing his weekly contact with his son he still cares about him. It's all about making himself out to be a good dad - his actions unfortunately tell a different story.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 06/05/2011 12:46

I would just drop ex a note (or however you communicate) to say school has consulted you about time out and reports and that you have agreed with reports direct (why wouldn't you?) but not with taking him out of school (or agree if you choose to). Explain that the school is obliged to consult you as you have PR.

Why he is doing it isn;t really relevant to you IMO, you just need to decide whether what he wants to do is reasonable. Don;t worry about what other people think or what he might me trying to get them to think, your only concern (whilst it might irritate) is what is best for your DS.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 06/05/2011 12:48

He should have communicated directly with you re taking son out of school - as that is visitation. But the reports thing, and speaking to the school directly is NBU. Why shouldn't he?

worraliberty · 06/05/2011 12:49

Why does he want to take him out of school?

The reports is a perfectly reasonable request though and should help him get to know him better.

dmo · 06/05/2011 12:50

how about a newsletter via email each friday from you to him relating to your ds keeping him informed ie
ds went to friends on wednesday for tea
ds is going on a trip on tuesday with school to the bus station
ds wants to start scouts

and maybe each monday (giving him the weekend to read the email) could respond to your email even its its:
ok thanks

minibmw2010 · 06/05/2011 12:50

The thing is, you start off saying he doesn't communicate with you and you're glad about this so I'm not sure why you're so offended/embarrassed by his going direct to the school? What is the alternative?

Original poster

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 12:52

Kewcumber, I would love him to be more interested in his son and I wouldn't ever stop him having anything he wants, reports or seeing him more, attending activities, etc. I would love that more than anything in the world. Unfortunately, I don't think he's interested in having the information, just interested in making an impression. I would communicate with him but don't feel I'm in a position to because he went to a solicitor to reduce his contact from 10 nights a month to 1 night a month. He used to have him half the holidays and he no longer has him any of the holidays. I refuse to ask him for anything, I know that's what he wants. He wants me to ask him and he wants to be back in the control seat. I won't go down that road again but do so want to do what's best for my DS. Although saying that my DS appears so much more settled now that he spends less time with his dad and I'm much happier because I don't have him hassling me. Maybe it's all for the best. I think I just want a relationship for my son with his dad that he will likely never have.

OP posts:

Original poster

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 12:55

mini, I want him to communicate with me, it's not my choice that he doesn't. It's a little more complicated than that too. He is a very controlling man and that's why I quite like not having to communicate with him. If that makes sense. It's all a bit mad to me too to be honest. I still can't get my head round why he so significantly reduced the time he spends with his DS.

OP posts:

Original poster

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 12:57

worra, he would know his son if he spent time with him. He had him almost half the week until relatively recently then reduced this significantly and reduced the money he gave for him significantly. This clearly is not about having a strong bond or good relationship with his son. Or maybe I'm missing something?

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 06/05/2011 12:58

I do understand bettiboo - what I'm saying is that you need to divorce yourself from why he might be doing this and just decide whether what he wants to do is reasonable.

You cannot change the way he is and it is between him and your DS (with maybe a it of willingness form you) to develop a relationship if that is to be.

Don;t stress about him going direct to the school, just make clear teh school will ALWAYS ask your position because you have PR and that on this occasion you have decided X and Y.

No need to engage with it. (Easier said than done I know!)

worraliberty · 06/05/2011 12:59

How old is your son and why did he want to take him out of school?

yoshiLunk · 06/05/2011 13:08

why doesn't your ex have PR?

bubblecoral · 06/05/2011 13:17

The man sounds like a complete arse tbh, and less contact is possibly not a bad thing if yu ds is more settled.

Tell the school that he does not have PR, and that under no circumstances are they to allow your ds to go with him without written permission from you. But I would make sure that he is included via email on all the school newsletters and notices. Our school doesn't do email reports, but they do give us two paper copies, even though I never asked them to because ex and I get on well and would happily share.

I understand that it must be very hard knowing that you ds's Dad wants to see him as little as possible. for you both.

Howcome he doesn't have PR btw? Is he not on the birth certificate? My ex doesn't have PR either because although he is on the BC, it was before that ruling came in. Really need to sort that!

babybarrister · 06/05/2011 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jemma1111 · 06/05/2011 13:25

Your ex sounds alot like mine bettiboo. He also reduced the amount of contact he had with our kids from a couple of days a week to a couple of hours.

IMO this was because his new woman didn't like the fact he had kids and so he tried to make her happy by seeing less of our children. Pathetic I know!
Could this be the case with your ex op?

As regards to the school, If I were you then yes I believe it's ok for him to receive letters from the school, however, I would refuse to let the school agree to him taking your ds out without your permission.
I actually think your ex is probably only doing all of this business with the school not because he wants to show them how he cares for his ds but purely to piss you off for some reason.

Another point, surely if he has reduced the amount of time he has your son then the child maintenance should increase!

florencedougal · 06/05/2011 13:35

the child is 50% his father's, the father should have 50% of the say in his upbringing

GypsyMoth · 06/05/2011 13:38

sounds odd he would go to those lengths just to look good?? who is he trying to impress as nobody would even know he had school reports etc

also,maybe he is approaching school as you arent as encouraging of his contact as you'd like to think??

Jemma1111 · 06/05/2011 13:44

I agree the ds is 50% his father's but by him reducing contact he is showing that hes not as committed to his child than the op is and so I don't believe he should have as much say in regards to his upbringing

Original poster

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 13:54

ILoveTiff, I'm not encouraging the contact at all at this stage because he went to a solicitor to reduce contact. I will not get into a dialogue with him to get him to increase it. Why would I? He clearly does not want to see his son and who am I to pester him into it. I spent years 'bullying' him into a having a relationship with his son and as soon as I stopped and became independent of him, i.e. stopped asking him to help out in the holidays etc. (because he made such a fuss about it), he decided that was the opportunity to reduce his time with his DS significantly, as I said half the week almost to a couple of hours once at the weekend. I spent years 'trying' to get him to be a good dad but it did not work. I agree, that a dad should have 50% say in upbringing if they are a part of their childs life, but why on earth should a father have those rights when they don't have a full relationship with their child. Why would they care about having a say when they don't want to do any practical stuff like having a relationship. It seems to me that's all about control rather than about having a relationship. Again, I'm happy to be told I'm missing something or being unreasonable. Jemma, I agree that this could be about winding me up - he does love to try to wind me up and I guess it's working - but he doesn't know that does he.

OP posts:

bochead · 06/05/2011 14:11

careful - if he's a control freak he may be trying to build a "case" towards getting PR or residency by building a paper trail. You'll find you are accused at some point of being the cause of the reduced contact for some totally fictious reason. Watch your back.

The savings he is making on maintenance is no doubt going on paying a soliicitor. Time to see if the CSA can put a stop to game playing in this arena too.

If he wants reports etc direct from school, not you - let him have them as that is reasonable. However make it really clear to the school re who has authority to authorise the childbeing taken out of school/medical stuff. Tell them in writing they have to come through you first as he does not have PR. Keep a copy of this letter!!!!!

My reason for saying this is that it is only you who will get the letters/fines etc, etc re attendance as it's only you who is legally liable for school attendance. His posturing could impact you and your child badly.

I can't see any good reason bar important medical appointments, sickness or family bereavement for taking kids out of school in term time. If you are of the same school of thought a visit from the school attendance officer cos of your ex's actions would feel incredibly unjust. Why can't he organise his contact out of school hours like a normal human being. Most parents change jobs/careers/working hours etc to fit in with school hours/terms - why is he the exception?

Original poster

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 14:19

Thanks bochead. He had a good reason to take DS out of school and I really didn't mind, I was more embarrassed that he didn't come through me and it was the school who were the first people to let me know. He can have PR, but if he wants it then he can make an effort and go for it. He has threatened me through a solicitor to take me to court. I would quite like that because it would make me see how much he cared about his son. I know he won't though, because it will cost him money and he knows there's no point because he knows I wouldn't ever say no to him having his son or being more of a presence in his sons life. It's not worth it to him because he knows it won't really benefit him in any way. You might be right though about having little bits and bobs to say to other people and his son about contact. He may well be telling people that I've stopped him seeing his DS or I'm the one that's being difficult. I wonder to this day how he explains to his family and his new partner why he all of a sudden no longer has his child half the week. It simply baffles me! Although my intuition tells me it's all about control and about trying to get at me. He knows I'll be heartbroken that he doesn't put his son first.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 06/05/2011 14:20

why on earth did he go to a solicitor to reduce his contact??

he could just stop/reduce it himself....

solicitors letters/instructions are not legally binding

Original poster

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 14:26

ILoveTiff, exactly!!!!!! It's mental to say the least. I have no explanation! How could he ever explain that to me? I just don't know. The world has gone mad - or I have!

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 06/05/2011 14:26

I wouldn't mention PR directly to him, it would put it into his head. It is going the way you want it to-your DS is more settled and has less contact with him. I agree with other posters to decide wether the request is reasonable on its own merits, taking nothiong else into consideration.

He isn't trying to have a say in your DS's upbringing, do not bother to second guess reasons for his requests. Just deal with things as they happen. These 'problems' only really exsist for 14 years, after that the child has a say, so does not 'belong' to either parent, and after 18 is their own person, so try to not let your ex's actions get to you in anyway.

Original poster

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 14:27

I guess it would have been very difficult to say to me - I'm not having DS anymore because I don't want him or because my new partner says she doesn't want him or maybe he's being a martyr and thought DS is better off without me (which of course he would not).

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 06/05/2011 14:28

He has had it noted by a legal source that he wants less contact, Op that benefits you in the long term, although not nice for your son (feelings wise when he is older).

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