To expect my ex not to go direct to our DS school

[bettiboo]

My ex no longer communicates with me, which I'm glad about but we do have a DS together and there are some things that we should discuss with each other IMO, for example taking him out of school. He does not have PR and only has him a token couple of hours a week. I rang the school to speak with them about something and they said the ex had rang to ask to take DS out of school for the afternoon, he also asked if he could have reports send directly to him about how DS is getting on at school. I was hugely embarrassed. I find it humiliating that ex went straight to the school for this information. I've never ever stopped him attending parents evening but he chooses not to attend. He knows nothing about his DS apart from what he gains from his measley couple of hours a week. Does anyone have any ideas on how to communicate to this man that all he has to do is have more of a relationship with his son and he will know what's going on. Knowing my ex as I do, I suspect it's just another way to show the school that despite reducing his weekly contact with his son he still cares about him. It's all about making himself out to be a good dad - his actions unfortunately tell a different story.

Thanks Birds - I'm trying very much not to let it bother me and to be honest I really don't most of the time. It's just when things like the school mentioning things to me that brings it back up again.

Yes, Birds, thank you you're right - poor little soul. Maybe things will improve before DS gets too much older. I'm hopeful it will.

I have an exh who is a complete twonk and he has behaved very badly towards me, and at times our dc. He has done similar thing with the school and I believe his motivation was to try and make it look as though I dont let him know what is going on, yes its embarassing but it is just possible he is interested.

I have no time for my ex at all and truely would not piss on him if he was on fire, I cant begin to tell you just how bad he has been to me, and we just can not talk, I really mean we just dont talk at all. everything in relation to the children is done via email, its not ideal but it gives you time to think about what you want to say and is actually quite impersonal, you dont forget what you want to say, you can save and go back to it later to see how it sounds and from experience quite handy to have a record of stuff that is said and arranged.

You can not force him to see you ds unfortunately, its very hard and I do speak from experience, exh has seen our 3 dc 6 times (she is 2 and half) and not for over a year now, that is hard and if you are like me it is incredibly upsetting because you love you dc so much. But as a lovely friend of mine said recently to me when I was upset at his rejection of her 'its you who gets upset she wont know any different, kids are very accepting of situations like this'. Im sure you give your ds loads of love and attention.

I think quite a number of men (NOT ALL) also have trouble seperating stuff, so for example they will see paying maintenace as giving money to us their ex's rather than supporting their children and the same applies with seeing their children,

As he does not have PR and you do soley you can call the shots more.

Thanks Helen, well said. And yes, you're right. I do adore my DS and give him enough love and affection for two of us. He does seem much more settled so I don't suppose he's as bothered as me. I'm still hopeful things may improve in the future but if not, I may one day meet someone myself and he'll have another male role model (there's none in my family - we're a big bunch of women .

"the child is 50% his father's, the father should have 50% of the say in his upbringing"

Which 50% of the child should the father have a say in florencedougal? Upper half? Lower half? Or are you proposing that the child should be split down the middle?

Is the 50% conditional on the father meeting 50% of the physical, emotional, and financials needs of the child?

And what happens if father votes with his feet and is unavailable when decisions relating the child's welfare need to be addressed?

Does an absentee non-contactable father's right to have a say accumulate, and should this right be backdated if/when father re-appears?

Izzy, that was my point earlier. I don't think fathers should have 50% say in a child's upbringing if they play next to no practical role in their child's life. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Or I could be wrong. Perhaps absent or emotionally detached fathers should just be able to do as they please and still get a say in their children's lives?

bettiboo Perhaps absent or emotionally detached fathers should just be able to do as they please and still get a say in their children's lives

sadly this seems like the case...

How old is your son?

lady.... what do do eh? You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

He's 9.

so true bettiboo and thats me speaking from experience. ex left a nasty rant 2 weeks ago saying he never wanted my dd anyway and he was trying to make the best of a fucked up situation. lovely.

lady - sadly I've also been there. My ex said the same about my DS - it broke my heart to say the least. I don't think it's true, I just think SOME men are selfish twats and also like to hurt us in the process of feeling sorry for themselves!

I had this with my ex, apparently as he has no pr if they allow him any of his requests then they are going against the children's act and can be prosecuted! Speak to the head at the school as if any of the info they give him was used against you in anyway it would be on the schools head. They don't need to give him a reason for why they won't give him the info, they can just say school or LA policy.

you have had good advice here

florencedougal

Stupid post.