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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think most mumsnetters advocate divorce/separation rather than stay and fight?

78 replies

thiswilldofornow · 05/05/2011 21:56

Obviously I have name changed and am braced for a right royal flaming but....

I can't think of a single relationships thread I have read where the majority of responses are not to "sling him out on his ear". Sometimes, posters are going so far as to add details that weren't there in the initial or subsequent op posts and make the situation appear hopeless.

It's always the same, he is scum, she should boot him out and keep the house.

So, my question, aibu to think the majority of mnetters are man hating divorcees?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 22:44

OP, if you are going to start a thread that you know is going to covet controversy, you need to make sure your point is shit-hot, consistent and above ridicule

epic fail

Mumcentreplus · 05/05/2011 22:51

OP what I have noticed is the majority of Mners are not divorcees but dealing with complex relationships and can't be arsed to take on the issues of another relationship..you may get the regulars/well known putting in their 2 pence but facts are no one should make life decisions based on the rabblings of the internet...take the best and leave the rest

Original poster
thiswilldofornow · 05/05/2011 22:52

In your opinion, AF. I am not going to second guess myself to appease you. I wrote a question based on my feelings of the moment. If you take offence to that, maybe you shouldn't have commented? No, that's not fair. Your opinion is still valid. But slighting me rather than answer the question is a bad form, don't you think?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 22:54

you think your sweeping statement about the marriage-wrecking ways of some Mn'ers is "good form" then ?

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 22:56

and you knew this thread would attract argument, you said it yourself

and I think I personally, and others on this thread, have more than adequately "answered your question"

Original poster
thiswilldofornow · 05/05/2011 22:58

I said most. In my own personal observation. And offered the possibility that I am looking at the wrong threads. I cannot pretend to read them all. Was it a true sweeping statement? I wouldn't have said so.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 22:58

all I am saying is you have to have good arguments to back up such a sweeping statement

I haven't seen any yet

Original poster
thiswilldofornow · 05/05/2011 23:02

I assumed it would as I knew it would be controversial. I think there have been many opposing my opinion and a few for. That is perfectly fair. I was simply voicing my opinion from my observations. That is fair too. I know you are a well known poster, but your opinion isn't the only one.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 05/05/2011 23:02

OP anyone can be in the sling erm out camp...but the facts remain that many women name-change and admit they are in complex and dodgy relationships...I say me piece and thats all opinions are..like arse-holes everyones gots one and some are full of shit...

BeerTricksPotter · 05/05/2011 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 23:06

"to think most mumsnetters"....

that is quite sweeping

Laquitar · 05/05/2011 23:08

I really hate the word 'fight'. If it is a lost game why waste energy, time and sanity?

As for posters being man haters divorcees Hmm i think quite the opposite. If you are married to a good man and you are experiencing a healthy relationship you want to tell the OP that she can do the same, it is very sad reading that she thinks this is how men are and how marriages suppose to be. Other posters yes might be divorcees who now lead happy lives. Your point is?

I don't even know why i bothered to post since you have namechanged. Why don't you have the guts to express your opinion and debate under your name? Cant you 'fight' for what you believe? Wink

heliumballoons · 05/05/2011 23:11

OP, YABU

I had some RL friends and family suggest I should leave my EX, mthat I'd be happier if EX-p and I split. I felt I should fight and tried hard to prove people wrong. (those telling me were single on long term relationships/ married). And all these people were emotionally involved with me.

I had the courage to kick EX out 8 months later when he cheated (well the time I found out he had) despite my suspicions (which turned out to be true) that he'd been cheating for a while. Sad

I

  1. wish I knew about and had MN then, had the support of (sadly) woman who had experience a relationship like mine and understood what I was going through

  2. wish I'd been on MN to get an outsiders perspective. A view from people not involved, who didn't know me or EX-p and who would give impartial advice - without emotional involvement. and...

  3. Stopped trying to 'fight' for something that clearly wasn't going to change - it took me longer to get over the 'fight' than I actually fought for. And if I'd had MN I could have got emotional support. I didn't seek it from RL friends/ family as I was embarrassed that I was putting up with all the shit wasn't ready to accept or unsure if things were as bad as they felt.

heliumballoons · 05/05/2011 23:15

Sorry its a long post but I did put in a good argument for the defense of MN Grin

Laquitar · 05/05/2011 23:17

The words 'fight' and 'giving up' are misleading, indicate that the former is assertive and the latter passive. When its the opposite.

Didyouever · 05/05/2011 23:20

So is the consensus if you're not happy end the relationship?

No matter what the situation with children, finances etc. And that's the same advice for women and men?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 05/05/2011 23:21

Exactly Laquitar. I am happily married to my first and only husband, and have been for many years. I don't think that a relationship is fixable if only one of the parties thinks there's a problem or is willing to work on it. I don't think woman or men should stay in emotionally abusive relationships.

Of course all that ignores the obvious trolling of the OP. 'Man hating divorcees'? Surely you missed out 'feminazis'?

kangers · 05/05/2011 23:24

I agree with thiswilldofornow there always seems to be keenness to say tell him to fuck off. As someone married 18 years, there have been plenty of times when I've been ANGRY and felt the way posters feel. But this passes when the initial anger fades.
But I think most of us can tell the difference tho, when its abusive, resigned and calm posting, compared to angry and so may calm down.
But I think OP has a point-
Plus you have to get in early to calm the whole tone of the thread to encourage the 'see how it goes tomorrow' responses.

Original poster
thiswilldofornow · 05/05/2011 23:24

helium, I respect your opinion. Fwiw, I wish you had Mn then too.

AF, I was merely voicing an opinion, didn't realise I had to stand up and debate my beliefs. Had I done so, I would have taken longer wording the op.

I think my main ishoo comes with those who tar with the brush of their xp. Those posters seem very bitter and unwilling to see alternative options.

OP posts:
Original poster
thiswilldofornow · 05/05/2011 23:31

Kangers - that's where I'm going wrong! Will remember that in future :o

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 23:34

OP, if helium had had MN back then, would you have advocated that she ignore the man-hating divorcees who were advising her to leave her relationship ?

Original poster
thiswilldofornow · 05/05/2011 23:46

I have no idea. I don't do hypothetical. Who knows what the op would have said.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 05/05/2011 23:47

I never advise anyone to leave..but to take a good hard look and what their relationship entails and what they are experiencing...MN is not the bench-mark of relationships or opinon..it's there to form and give an opinion from many... remember what I said about those...

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 23:50

You are being obtuse, OP

my question was a good one, and designed to make you reflect on your OP

I fear I am wasting my time, though

of course, you are entitled to your opinion, but you are quite selective about exactly how and when you offer it up, aren't you ?

Original poster
thiswilldofornow · 06/05/2011 00:01

Not deliberately. :o

I give my opinion when I feel it will be heard.

I did not think your question anything more than argumentative. I wish helium had had mn as she feels it would have benefitted her. I always want the best for people, apart from cyclists. They bug me, never in the cycle paths. I felt you took that wish and manipulated it for your own ends. Your question was hypothetical and vague. I can't consider my answer to a question that has not been asked. My imagination just isn't that good.

OP posts: