Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable?

28 replies

Cutiecat · 05/05/2011 21:48

At the moment I am 33 weeks pregnant and we are in the midst of a major house extension (which I am running on my own as DH does not take any interest in anything like this). DH has started in the last week discussing how he is unhappy in his job. I suspect that he is feeling the fiancial presssure of the build plus another child (we already have 2 dc) but I also suspect that he is a bit jealous that the attention is on me due to my pregnancy.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to shut up about it and just get on with it until the building work is finished and the baby born. It is just too much to have him coming home moaning about work and potentially starting to go to inteviews etc.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 05/05/2011 21:50

YABU to tell him to shut up - resentment will build. YANBU to want him to be less childish - attention not on him Hmm

harecare · 05/05/2011 21:54

Yes you are.
He isn't enjoying his job and wants to find a job that makes more money. Trust that he may be right and let him get on with it. I'm sure you expect him to listen to your moans, why can't you listen to his (or at least pretend you're listening and make the right noises without actually committing any of your brain)?

BeerTricksPotter · 05/05/2011 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 05/05/2011 22:06

Of course you are.

Original poster
Cutiecat · 05/05/2011 22:16

I wasn't going to actually going to tell him to shut up but i have told him tonight that i am way too tired to discuss it. I have already said that I understand he is bored but can we put it on hold until things have calmed down at home. He seemed to agree but just now I told him i was heading to bed and was feeling a bit tender in the pelvic region after doing too much today and he immediately started talking about work again.

I do not want to be unsupportive but he did the same thing when i was pregnant with my DD. He started a new job about a month before she was born and he was then so busy he could not take off any time to help.

Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/05/2011 22:18

YABU and very mean spirited I think.

BeerTricksPotter · 05/05/2011 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 05/05/2011 22:21

Sounds like he is being a bit "Look at me!!" about your pg, especially if he has done this before.

I am not saying that he feelings arent genuine and should be disregarded but I do think that you are right to ask him to keep a lid on it until things are more settled and you can both look at the best way for him feel happier, rather than a knee jerk reaction now.

worraliberty · 05/05/2011 22:25

I don't really understand the 'attention' thing either, unless you have a difficult pregnancy perhaps? Why are you getting so much attention?

Original poster
Cutiecat · 05/05/2011 22:26

Do you really think i am being very mean spirited? I think that is harsh. I have to look after my stress levels too. He is not hating work for any particular reason, he is just bored because he has been there 4 years and one of his friends just got a new job.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 05/05/2011 22:27

You are at risk of driving him away. Surely he is entitled to be able to talk about HIS problems and HIS day too?

Ealingkate · 05/05/2011 22:30

Do grown men feel jealous of the attention that their pregnant wife gets?? That is a very strange concept. Does he get to play the kid in relationship?
Moving jobs in the middle of everything that is going on would be very stressful for you, so it would probably best to just say that - and cite his inability to take time off after the birth of your last child as a good reason to wait a little while.

Will he engage in a constructive conversation about what he can do to improve the current situation at work?

Original poster
Cutiecat · 05/05/2011 22:31

Worraliberty - you don't understand the attention thing. I am not having a difficult pregnancy but do you not think that everyone he speaks to at the moment asks how I am? I bet his mum is telling him to help out at home more ect. I am not expecting special attention, don't get me wrong.

OP posts:
Clytaemnestra · 05/05/2011 23:16

I understand - I had a hip replacement very recently (complex one, not the ones they pop into old dears) and ever since I got back from the hospital my normally fit and healthy DH has had a different bloody health whinge every single day. His knee hurt or his toe which he broke last year seemed to be getting worse again or he had the worst cold EVER. And all of them involve a great big whinge about how much pain he's in. And I sit on the sofa having just had major surgery and I want to punch him in the head. I'm sure it's an attention thing, but it drives me insane.

I don't think that you're being unreasonable, it is the most frustrating thing in the world. However hard it is though, if you react then it will blow up and you will look mad and unreasonable (you're not!), so I think a certain amount of teeth gritting will have to go on. You must deflect any actual decisions until after the baby is born though, he can't swan off making huge decisions until after the house is sorted and the baby is born.

jeckadeck · 06/05/2011 10:47

He may be trying to deflect attention back onto himself a lot of men feel rather ignored during wife's pregnancy I think which is a bit childish and selfish but that's men for you. On the other hand a marriage is supposed to be about give and take and I don't think just because you are pg you get to impose a moratorium on his venting about his problems. I certainly think that if you tell him to shut up about it you are storing up problems for the future as he will feel resentful. Regardless of whether he's handled it badly he still has a right to expect you to listen to him if he's in a tight spot.

florencedougal · 06/05/2011 10:55

yes unreasonable and quite selfish

minipie · 06/05/2011 10:59

Well it depends on how unhappy he is.

If he's really miserable then he is right to want to do something about it - pregnancy and building work or not.

If he's just a bit bored and wondering what else is out there, then yes it would be more sensible for him to wait a couple of months until the baby has arrived and the building work is done. (As long as you don't then say he shouldn't move jobs because you have a new baby...)

I don't think it's fair to describe it as attention seeking. He may feel a bit like you've got lots of interesting changes happening in your life, and there is nothing interesting going on in his life. Could you involve him a bit more in the building project/pregnancy and DCs somehow?

dreamingbohemian · 06/05/2011 11:08

YABU but I think people are being kind of harsh here

It sounds like you have 2 issues:

  1. You don't want to deal with his moaning. That's a bit unreasonable, especially if he has legit financial concerns.
  1. You don't want him to change jobs and leave you short-handed with a newborn. That's pretty reasonable. I don't know that it means he can't get a new job, but you would certainly be justified in insisting that he commit to 2 weeks off, not working late for a while, etc.
zikes · 06/05/2011 11:15

Yabu to not be prepared to listen, yanbu to ask him to stick to looking at what's out there and updating his cv etc until after the baby's born.

Original poster
Cutiecat · 06/05/2011 15:09

I think some you are being really unreasonable called me mean-spirited and selfish. I started this thread as I am aware that being pregnant can make you unreasonable at the best of times and wanted your thoughts. I did not expect to be called names.

I have not been unsupportive towards him in any way but do think that having major building work, a baby and changing jobs are all very stressful life experiences. It is bad enough that we are currently undertaking two. I was not going to hold up my hand to him and tell him I am not listening but by the same token don't want to have him moan about it in competition.

I think men often feel that they are sidelined when their partners are pregnant and some even might feel a little jealous that it is all about the woman. My husband does like to be the centre of attention, he the youngest of a large family and sometimes it shows. It might be a little immature but it is who he is.

Anyway I spoke to him this morning and I think he can see that it is reasonable to wait for a bit. It also might change at work soon as someone he works with is leaving and that can change the dynamic of things. It might just be a bad week having gone back after having so much time off over Easter.

Thanks to those who have been supportive.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 06/05/2011 15:19

Sounds like you're getting on the same page again then. Good luck with everything Smile

gobbledegoop · 06/05/2011 16:28

YANBU to expect him to wait until things calm down a bit before looking for a new job.

Doesn't he think you both have enough on your plates right now?

I can understand you getting sick of the moaning especially as he has done this before.

Good luck!

dexifehatz · 06/05/2011 16:39

I can't believe people are calling the OP selfish for not listening to her husband at this moment in time.She's pregnant with a third child and trying to co=ordinate a building project and her husband tells her that he is a bit bored in his job.Big fucking wow.Did he expect her to drop everything make him a nice cup of tea and tell him to pack his job in if he can't handle it?

gobbledegoop · 06/05/2011 16:49

Well said Dex....

TotemPole · 06/05/2011 19:27

If he's concerned about finances then looking for something better paid is a good idea. But I agree, I don't think he should move companies within a few months of you giving birth and everything else going on.

Whether he should be thinking & talking about it now though, I think that depends on the type of job he does, how much preparation he would have to do for interviews, how long it would take to find vacancies.

Will the extension be finished before DC3 comes along?