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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a tiny bit annoyed with DD's school over lunch?

44 replies

unlucky67 · 05/05/2011 21:29

DD1 (10) is getting a bit chubby around the waist ...normally this means she is about to have a growth spurt...

On the other hand she has been eating a lot of junk recently and she has taken to sneakily helping herself to stuff like biscuits, jam and Nutella sandwiches ...

I've had round about conversations about it with her - and been keeping a discreet eye on what she is eating -
But yesterday I lost the plot and used the f(at) word ....when I found her eating nutella out of the jar with a spoon at bedtime...

I think what really made me cross was earlier she told me her school lunch was 'epic' - apparently she had two peach and one apple sponge pudding with custard - three portions of pudding...

So AIBU to think the school should not let primary age children have thirds...especially if it is relatively high calorie?

BTW I was a chubby child and quite fat as a teenager - then was food obsessed into my twenties - always on fad diets etc, been know to starve myself and make myself sick etc...now I'm cool with my weight - a bit overweight but not obese - I weigh myself every month or so and if the scales are going up cut back a little -
Guess part of me wishes my parents had tried to stop me overeating when they realised I was getting fat before the damage was done ...

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 05/05/2011 21:34

YAB a bit U - 3 puddings is too much but her attitude to food will come from home. Calling her fat getting angry with her won't help but I think you know that.

Counterstrike · 05/05/2011 21:34

That is quite bad for them to serve that much....when dd went primary they HAD to eat there mains and veggies before they could leave or touch their "healthy eating" dessert.
Put her on a packed lunch, my teen normaly would eat a ham sandwich and either crisps or fruit with a bottle of water.
Say sorry to her for calling her fat, try approaching gently, take her swimming a couple of times a week, or try couch to 5k.

FabbyChic · 05/05/2011 21:35

Don't buy nutella or if you do don't let her know where it is.

Buy healthy options and make the whole family eat it for a month.

abitlikemollflanders · 05/05/2011 21:35

I think the school is a side issue. YWU using the word fat to a 10 yr old who was doing quite a typiccal thing for the age. Don't buy a jar of chocolate spread if you are then going to lose the plot at your daughter for eating it.
It sounds as if you are well on the way to passing your own food issues on to your daughter.

With regards lunch, are you sure they weren't running out of the sponge so they made one normal sized portion out of 2 different types. I am a teacher and this has been known at our school.

Icelollycraving · 05/05/2011 21:37

Yabu to use the word fat to your child.
Yanbu to expect less pudding to be available at school.

winnybella · 05/05/2011 21:38

I still remember my mother telling me that she doesn't want to have a fat daughter when I remarked to her that I had put on a bit of weight. I was about 10 or 11. I'm skinny btw and have been after the 'puppy fat' years.

But, what Fabby says, don't buy Nutella etc.

squeakytoy · 05/05/2011 21:39

I dont think there is anything wrong in telling a ten year old she will get fat IF she carries on eating like a greedy pig. Its true, she will!.

Better to nip it in the bud than allow her to become obese, ridiculed at school and be miserable.

Also, stop allowing her to just help herself from the cupboards, dont buy the treat foods and restrict her to eating at mealtimes only.

smoggii · 05/05/2011 21:42

If you tell her off she may start to hide eating from you which will make it incredibly difficult to keep an eye on.

My mother used to challenge my eating (shout at me and not call me fat but say i would get fat) from age 11 or 12. Queue years of secret eating and tipping the scales at 23 and a half stone in my 20s despite appearing to eat a healthy diet to everyone who looked!

Very expensive counselling later and i no longer secret eat but like most people still struggle to stay a healthy weight.

peeriebear · 05/05/2011 21:42

I disagree that eating chocolate spread out of the jar at bedtime is typical!
Quite shocked that the school let your DD have three puddings, I'd probably raise it with the school as they might not have a set policy about seconds/thirds.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 21:44

My DDs school allows thirds of everything...we have trad puddings too!

I think the key is that when at home and at breakfast, there are not so many treats available.

DiscoDaisy · 05/05/2011 21:45

Did the school give her 3 portions of pudding or was it a case of her friends not liking the pudding so she had their's?

squeakytoy · 05/05/2011 21:46

If you tell her off she may start to hide eating from you which will make it incredibly difficult to keep an eye on.

Not if the food isnt there to start with she wont!

DoMeDon · 05/05/2011 21:48

10 is way to young to be saying you will get fat if... You should be setting a healthy eating standard and helping her enjoy exercise. Don't make her eat strictly 3 times a day either - archaic!

squeakytoy · 05/05/2011 21:52

Why is it archaic to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner? That is a normal healthy diet providing the food is nutritious.

There is nothing worse than being the fat kid at school. Surely nobody would want that for their kid and would do what they can to prevent it.

The fact is, if she eats too much crap, she WILL get fat.

abitlikemollflanders · 05/05/2011 21:54

Hmmmm perhaps wrong use of typical. I have toddlers not older children.

Just thinking of myself as a (greedy/normal) 10 yr old:) If she is allowed to help herself to food, and saw nutella and a spoon. It isn't really an unlikely thing to do? Is it?
To blow your top for something which seems quite likely (to me) to happen, seems odd.
Just don't buy it then no temptation and no bad habits formed.

DoMeDon · 05/05/2011 21:57

It is unhelpful to say you can only eat at set times. Yes eat breakfast, lunch and dinner but healthy snacks are important too. Eating when hungry is a far more valuable lesson. Making food a massive issue will only encourage DD to seek food out. She will find a way to sneak food - even if it's not on offer.

It doesn't sound like you have much experience in this area ST.

Original poster

unlucky67 · 05/05/2011 22:22

I don't normally buy crisps/fizzy pop/chocolate etc...sometimes I worry I might have been too strict...and that is why when she can she doesn't stop..

I get Nutella for when we have pancakes for pudding - (approx once every 2 weeks) and I have hidden it away in the past (along with marshmallows for hot chocolate - every month or so) but then been cross to find the jar/packet empty...
I don't normally get biscuits/cakes/sweets either - unless we are going on a picnic...
She got a couple of easter eggs from us and my parents - but then got given more at a party, sunday school and lots at an easter egg hunt...

Dp works odd hours and doesn't get to take them out often and likes to get them treats when he does ...he is really skinny but eats like a horse ...so has limited understanding and made some comment about her getting fat when she was 3!!!... We have supposedly agreed that he slows down with that too ...

The reason I was so cross is we have talked about not helping yourself to stuff like that and went through this thing of me trusting her not to do it -but that obviously isn't working...I didn't say she was fat - just she would get fat if she didn't slow down ...just didn't want to use that word

And it was 3 lots of pudding at the school....she went for thirds...I guess it might be time for packed lunch... but DD2 & I tend to have a big lunch together and we all have a smaller dinner together...maybe I should have a word with the school ...

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 05/05/2011 22:29

DP can treat DC without food - it does sound like food is a big issue for you all. I would put sweet things in an inaccessible cupboard. Still have pudding but make no fuss if it's fruit and yoghurt or pancakes and nutella. They are all just food stuffs to be enjoyed in moderation. Offer a choice of healthy snacks if DD is hungry- fruit/rice cakes/crudities & dip. Don't stop her eating if she is hungry it has the wrong connotations. Try and notice when she eats for the sake of it- is it boredom, for attention? Distraction is a great tool - maybe do an activity instead.

babybythesea · 05/05/2011 22:43

I think I might be tempted to have a quiet word with school - not in a cross 'I can't believe how much pudding you allowed her to eat' way but more 'I think we may be heading for a problem with her weight and I want to stop it before it starts - could you help? If she wants thirds, would it be possible to shove a bit of fruit her way instead' type thing.
In terms of banning things altogether, I'm not entirely convinced. I've seen enough kids parties to be sure that the kids who are never allowed stuff at home are the ones who make a bee-line for all the sugary stuff when their parents aren't around.
I might go for a middle ground - buy considerably less (if possible - not easy if it comes in a jar!). She can have it, but must ask (gives you the chance to say no if it's close to dinner time, say, or she's had 2 biscuits already within the last hour - and then you can explain to her why you've said no), and once she's eaten what you bought, that's it for, say, 2 weeks. You won't replace it within a given time frame.

My thinking is that she doesn't see the foods as forbidden, but learns that they are treats nonetheless, and so learns to pace herself. Could you also talk to her about what other foods she might like as snacks (blueberries, or other seasonal sweet fruit might work for now) so that there are snack options that she can have available to either help with hunger, or distract from the seeking out of chocolate?!
I haven't got any direct experience, just trying to suggest things which may help. I don't know your daughter though, so feel free to ignore if it's stuff you'd already tried, or thought of and dismissed as useless.

squeakytoy · 05/05/2011 22:49

It doesn't sound like you have much experience in this area ST

I have plenty of experience thanks, including my own upbringing. Snacks are NOT necessary. A glass of water is sufficient inbetween meals, or a piece of fruit.

As children we were NEVER allowed to just help ourselves to things out of the fridge or cupboard. We asked. Sometimes we were told no, other times yes, but we would just not help ourselves to whatever we fancied.

It does not mean you grow up with an eating disorder, or a complex. It usually means you grow up with better self control.

Food was never used as a treat in our house, or a punishment either. By using food as treats and punishments you ARE heading for food becoming an issue.

smoggii · 06/05/2011 10:58

If you tell her off she may start to hide eating from you which will make it incredibly difficult to keep an eye on.

Not if the food isnt there to start with she wont!

ConstanceFelicity · 06/05/2011 11:01

Don't buy crap.

strawberrymewmew · 06/05/2011 11:08

I would be very careful about using the word fat.

When I was around the same age my Gran had said about my weight as a bit of a joke and to encourage me to eat better, I ended up just giving up eating. From age 11 till I was around 18 I had such bad issues with food, with my
lowest weight being around 6stone possible a few lbs under.
This all stemmed from that one conversation which seemed lighthearted to my Gran.

Please be careful with what you say to her, although it might not have the same effect it would be horrible if it did.

I think speaking to the school would be a good idea as this was the biggest problem I had in primary school, we were allowed extra helpings until all the food was gone, sometime having the equivilent of maybe 5 full meals!

pinkbraces · 06/05/2011 11:24

I think the relationship you have or have had with food is evident in how you are reacting to your daughters relationship with food. Some of the language used on this thread and many others in connection with food borders on the hysterical.

Whats happened over the last 20 years to allow this to develop? For a grown adult to use the letter F rather than say the word fat is ludicrous.

Eat sensibly, have a healthy lifestyle, stop hiding food and dont use it as either a weapon or a treat.

Please remember as your child gets older you have less control over what she eats, do the groundwork now and she wont have the need to seek out all the foods which have been hidden and frowned upon.

It seems that many of the people on this thread remember their mothers telling them they were fat - it seems that in some families this is a perptual cycle.

Just be healthy which includes eating many different foods and doing lots of different activities.

notsweatingthesmallstuff · 06/05/2011 11:28

When will schools stop doing puddings every day? Although my now grown children can eat crap as well as the next person (and we have all been known to eat nutella from the jar!), we have never had puddings and I am not sure what the point of them is, certainly nothing to do with nutrition. But OP, dont expect school to put rules in place and implement them if you dont do it yourself! Dont buy biscuits, use fruit spread instead of jam (asda do one called superjam which is great), and stop your daughter helping herself. But do make sure that she is not genuinely hungry. Final question, why not change the meals around so you have small meal with dd2 at lunchtime and main meal in evening with dd1?

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