is my dd being bullied? more WWYD I guess

[whatkatydidathome]

Brief background - dd is 10, very bright but not perfect (no good at science for example) but good enough at English for it to stand out to peers (lots of house points, stories read out, wins competitions etc). She is also "odd" (was ?Aspergers for a year or two, has been assessed as needing help with social skills by peadiatrician and educational psycologist) had lots of support at old first school but far less/none really now at middle school (10 - 14). We live in the sticks so no choice of school. School is very "good" (outstanding Osted etc, middle class area). We cannot afford private.

Most days at school she is "hassled" by the other children. They make fun of what she eats; what she says; how she acts etc. They say that her stories (if read out by teacher) are rubbish, that I am fat ?? (am a size 10 - not sure where they get this one from :) ). They also get her to say or do things (like run or recite a poem) and then laugh at her. She trys to avoid them but they then poke her etc until she reacts and it is all the children from what I can gather (more than just her year even) - ie she is "odd" enough for them to either ignore her or laugh.

She is very stoic but obviously bothered enough to tell me about it. She had various comfort items which she carries around out of school and has recently started to carry more of them around, more often, so I'm guessing that she is genuinely bothered.

Have been to school (several times). They deal with each individual incident but will not accept that there is any ongoing problem with her. (All they have suggested is that she is attention seeking - ie telling us about it for our attention - this is why I mention the comfort objects - ie that seems to show it is not attention seeking).

She has no friends at all - 8 months now at new school but never been asked to tea, can not ask any to tea as she says that she does not know any of the children well enough to ask them (have asked school if they can put me in touch with parents of children on her table or something but they can't).

She said the other day that it didn't bother her too much but that it was "a bit of a pain being made to feel like a freak all the time".

I can't decide if this is normal ragging that you need to learn to cope with (dhs opinion) or "girl bullying" (although being done by boys as well).

Have tried after school activities - she goes to one but all the rest locally are full with huge waiting lists (which she is on) and she does not interact with the children at the one she does go to - just the adults.

She is coping well at present but I am concerend that she will have to go into pubety with no peer group.

Any suggestions welcomed please :)

Have you posted all this before? I am having amazing sense of deja-vu.

Oh God, sounds awful.

I think you need to get tougher with the school - ask to see their anti-bullying policy etc and make it clear that dealing with incidents as they arise is not solving the problem. They need a strategy, not piecemeal tactics. Put it in writing that you feel the school are failing in their safeguarding duty and CC the governing body and LEA.

Thinks it's great what you're doing re out of school clubs, is there anything else at all you could try that might have shorter waiting lists? E.g. Guides, Venture scouts?

If you suspect she need help with her social skills are there any books or courses that might help? To be honest, carrying around comfort items is not a good idea - it will just mark her out as even more different to the little shits other children. You should stop her doing this imo.

Gosh how hard. She sounds incredibly like someone I went to school with, {this girl incidentally went to Oxford and is now an award-winning script writer}
She had some "odd" traits and it was not until we both joined a local youth theatre at 16 that she began to shine socially. She became very popular because she was mixing with other intense kids...kids who had great imaginations and were slightly different.

Your DD is only 10 though. MUST she stay at this school? She sounds bright enough to go to a good independant one...maybe with a bursary?

If not....well then the best thing you can do is to broaden her horizons....to put her in situations where she is mixing with other kids...so she will learn more social skills if the probelm is that the ragging is "normal" or that she will gain confidence to deal with it if it is bullying.

THe school should do more though...it's not good enough leaving things as they are.

It is certainly bullying, but I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for the school to sort it out.Kids who are 'odd' are picked on and the more you complain to school about it , the worse it will be for your DD.
You will have lots of posters on here telling you different, but I really don't think it's true .Teachers, what ever they may say, can't make other kids like your DD and other children are going to be very wary of siding with her because they won't want to be picked on themselves.They will feign oily friendship with her when the teacher is present and ramp up the bullying when she is not.
Sorry I know this isn't want you want to hear !

The comfort items are not obviously so - just things that she will not leave the house without. All the local clubs are full (she was on the brownies list so long that she got too old - I'm beginning to wonder if the lists are conviniently long as people think of her as "odd"). We have looked into burseries but can only find ones which cover small percentages of the cost. I can't find any situations where I can put her to mix with other kids.

Who have you spoken to at school? I work in a secondary, so the process at our school would be the form tutor, then you go to the head of year and then our child protection lady who is the deputy head.

An out of school club like Brownies/Guides might be really good for her confidence. Youth theatres are fab too as the last poster said. But you need to have a proper conversation with the school (If all else fails go to the head but only if the others won't help). Keep clear notes of what dd has said too.

I agree that comfort items isn't great at this age - we have a boy who sounds similar to your dd in relation to his social skills but his reading and writing skills are very low. He carries items in school but has been encouraged to keep them in his bag - the other kids were bullying him about it (tbh the staff were laughing about it in the staff room too as it is odd).

Sounds like a square peg in a round hole. Might it be worth looking at other schools, perhaps there is one locally that is good or satisfactory but more centred on individual children. Have you actually put your concerns in writing to the school. I found asking for a copy of the complaints procedure, noting the steps in it and then writing a very measured and specific letter asking for a meeting and requesting an action plan was very helpful. Still moving dd from the school though.

Homeschooling? Can you drive to other towns for activities at weekends?

so the school are aware of the incidents and still refuse to accept there is a problem? I'd be livid.

Yes she is being bullied. Poor girl :(

Any thoughts about just pulling her out of the school and home educating? I know socialising is a concern, but if you think about it, school isn't doing her social skills any good at all - quite the opposite it seems. Perhaps if she were away from such a toxic environment she would feel able to make friends elsewhere, because it would be on HER terms, and it wouldn't be because she was forced to spend several hours a day with people who she doesn't gel with. Maybe she could find some like minded children in some other way like homeschooler groups?

We have spoken several times with her form tutor who is also the year head. The comfort items are things like an ipod (which she uses so that she can avoid the verbal abuse on the bus) so not obviously odd items. We did not let her take them to school until very recently as I thought that it would be better for her to interact with the other children. However when after 8 months she still had not managed to find anyone to talk to as a friend we let her take the ipod to school to listen to on the bus. Several of the other kids do this. There is no other school - there are no others locally (as in within 10 miles or so). Just this big one (5 form entry). The only youth theatre locally is £500 a term - we just can't afford that at the moment. We had a meeting with the SENCO when she started (because she was on the SN list (as well as the G&T list) at old school) but the school keep saying that there is no problem as academically she is fine. They have agreed that she lacks socail skills but said that their social skills groups were all unsuitable as she was too bright and would dominate the other children in the groups.

That's not a Youth Thratre then...it will be something like TheatreTrain or StageCoach.

Youth Theatres are heavily subsidised by local councils.

Can you not go to activities in the next town?

I've though long and hard about home schooling - problem is that her real "thing" is literacy - I can't even spell let alone teach her how to write (which is what she wants to do). Also anything non scientific I'd struggle with, as would dh

You could get a tutor to support you?

Also, ask on the home education boards here, about how people manage with subjects they're not strong on.

HE is growing in the UK thans to crap or overcrowded schools

Can you not go to activities in the next town by "sticks" I mean "one of those big empty bits in the road atlas with no "next towns" as such, just lots of villages. It is not so much weekends that is the problem (we see relatives etc whenever possible so she mixes with her cousins). It is school - lunch times and group work in lessons etc

I'd get an appointment with the head. Make it clear that you want her form teacher included. Go in with a clear head, with a file of notes with specific incidents you can reference. Make it clear what the current situation is for your DD, break down her daily harassment. Then ask them what they intend to do about it. They have a duty of care. Your daughter being bullied - ask them what the school policy is on bullying and how they handle whole class bullying. Put the onus onto them. Take notes of their responses. Stay calm and professional.

She's being bullied. Agree that the school need an on-going strategy, not just an incident by incident reaction.
Also a child should NEVER be denied the help they need (in her case support with social skills) because they 'would dominate the others' - WTF? It's their job to deliver help to her, not just to others because it's easier for them.
That's really bad.
I would say it is time to write a letter with these as complaints, to the Head, CC chair of governors.
Also I know they may not be local but do investigate local private schools, often they do give bursaries for kids like your DD who are going to excel in at least one area. Choose the school, look it over, follow all the admission procedures and just enquire about bursaries as part of that - don't dismiss private out of hand, I would say.
However, that's just by the by - your DD has the right to go to her CURRENT school and 1) not be bullied and 2) have help with her SEN
Good luck.

Reminds me of my days at school.

Yes, she is being bullied. And schools barely do shit when it comes to bullying I'm afraid, unless a fuss is caused. (I.e - The parent(s) do quite a bit to make sure it gets sorted out).

She will find a couple of very good friends in the future, but until then all you can do is support her through school and don't push her to 'make friends' if she isn't the sociable type, or just doesn't feel like it. The time will come where people will notice that she's a lovely girl. :)

You'll probably find the bullying by the girls is more bothersome than the bullying done by the boys. (This is an assumption on my part based on my days in school, however).

It might be that her maturity level/personality clashes with the other pupils around her, too. I often preferred speaking and befriending those who were older, as the ones my age would just irritate me.

Just for your information - there are a number of private secondary schools who offer 100% bursaries. Or who offer academic scholarships and will then top up with a bursary according to financial need. They do ask very nosy questions about your finances though, and expect you to liquidate assets if you have any available. But it might be an option when she gets to Year 7.

I've just reread your OP. I would add the chair of the governors to the list of people you want at this meeting, and after detailing your daughter's day to day experience, try to list each contact you have had with the school over this and each ineffectual response. I am so on behalf of your DD. This isn't just bullying, it's concerted bullying by her whole class and the school are happy to say it's because of her social skills and she's too bright for help??? I'd also make clear that this is their last chance to deal with the issue with a coherent full school approach, that deals with the children involved as well as helping your DD socialise, before you take the matter to a higher level.

The more you describe the school's apathy the more I'm

The worries about HEing are very common, I'm not dismissing them but it could still be a valid option. The subjects that you aren't strong on, you learn together. I also recommend the home ed board, it's full of great advice (a little slow moving though so bear with it) - as it's something you've thought of I'd say it's worth asking there.

Have you thought about joining the local church as a family, I think it would be really good way for you to help her get used to mixing with other people not just children in a friendly safe enviroment. They are lots of activites going on at most churches she could join the choir or do bellring for example. I think it is important that she goes somewhere she will be accepted as herself and realise that she is 'worthy'and that school isn't her only outlet she can make friends elsewhere. She might even end up helping the little ones at Sunday school. Hopefully her confidence will build and she will gradually become happier in herself.

I know some people are terrified of organised religion and it may not be for you but please give it a try, I think it could be good for her and the whole family as at the very least it will broaden your friendship base and its free!!l

Get hold of a copy of the schools Anti-bullying policy before any meeting and that way you can point out all the areas they aren't covering with regards to your DD.
It's statutory so they won't have a leg to stand on.

Toughasoldboots how did you get someone to assess her - ie what do I look up to find someone who does private assessments? beesimo we do belong to the local church - the one club she does attend is a Sunday school type thing and the adults there are great but the children are not interested in an "odd kid" still.