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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why women think they have 'dibs' on an ex?

38 replies

JaneFonda · 04/05/2011 23:14

I was reading another thread, it got me thinking.

If you have a relationship with someone, then that relationship ends and both parties have moved on - why is it a problem if the ex then starts going out with one of the woman's friends?

Once, a friend of mine asked me for permission to go on a date with my ex. It surprised me, because I was unaware of any kind of rule that existed. I now know about this unwritten rule, but why does it exist/why must is be followed?

I genuinely don't understand; no offence is meant to those who would have a problem with ex-boyfriends and friends going out!

OP posts:
HalfPastWine · 04/05/2011 23:16

Sometimes it's a case of ' I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either. Selfish but true.

igetmorelovefromthecat · 04/05/2011 23:17

I think because even though a relationship has ended there are still emotions there, usually more so for one party than the other.

And there are enough other people in the world to not jump into bed with your ex's friends.

Though sometimes there may be exceptions - one of my exes is absolutely made for one of my friends and the chemistry between them has always been so strong, even when we were together, and I really think they should get together. I think it could be on the cards. I wouldn't mind at all.

troisgarcons · 04/05/2011 23:17

Because relationships usually end because one person wants them to end ... rarely is it mutual ... therefore one party may still have feelings.

Although why someone would want to go out with someone your mate has road tested is beyond me.

ninah · 04/05/2011 23:20

because you might not want them hanging around at your bbqs once you'd dumped them

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/05/2011 23:20

If you have strong emotions for someone who has dumped you, those emotions are your problem and no one else's. People have every right to leave a relationship they don't want to be in and take up with someone else.

igetmorelovefromthecat · 04/05/2011 23:23

That's not the point of the thread, Springchicken, OP was not talking about whether or not it is OK to end relationships and find a new partner, of course it is. The point is whether you should rub your ex's nose in it by getting with their mate.

TheSmallClanger · 04/05/2011 23:25

What Ninah said. If the breakup was acrimonious, there is too much potential for embarrassing situations, early on anyway.

If it was a casual fling, or a relationship that ended years ago, then it is being very unreasonable.

troisgarcons · 04/05/2011 23:33

Once, a friend of mine asked me for permission to go on a date with my ex

Codes within language - you may confide he's crap in bed/has deviant sexual practivces/tightfisted /farts in his sleep/takes his washing home to his mother/has a ridiculous affiliation to Accrington Stanley and wearly lucky underpants for away matches Grin

lesley33 · 04/05/2011 23:36

I posted on that other thread. Of course it is up to anyone who they go out with. But I was upset, although I never said anything, when the person who I still loved started going out with a close friend about 8 months after we separated. It was quite painful seeing them together butpretending to be ok with it. They didn't last long though.

bubblecoral · 04/05/2011 23:45

I think any friend of mine that wanted to go out with an ex of mine should ask to be kind and show respect for my feelings. Then out of respect for both of them, I would say it was all fine, even if it hurt a little.

It's just the nice thing to do, because even if there are no feelings left, there is always the thing that you would end up knowing more than you would otherwise want to about about a close friends partner. It would feel slightly weird at first.

VajazzHands · 05/05/2011 03:36

7 billion people in the world. Men are really not so hard to come by that you need to be dragging through your friends droppings looking for scraps.

I think it would be really akward to end a long term relationship and have to see the person all the time when you now see your friend.

jeckadeck · 05/05/2011 07:20

Because you don't know whether your friend still harbours feelings for the ex. Its quite understandable to feel upset, weird or a bit icky if a friend takes up with an ex. The way I look at it is this: if there's a really genuine good situation between friend and ex, if they fall in love and its potential long-term material, good luck to all concerned. But if its just sex or a stopgap relationship its unnecessary. It also depends on loads of factors like how long the friend when out with the ex for, how long ago they split and whether people are sneaky about it so hard to generalize. A good friend of mine is now married to an ex from a long time ago. I feel completely OK about it because my relationship with him ended a long time ago, it was all completely above board and they are clearly well matched and happy together. But it could easily have been very different.

CareyFakes · 05/05/2011 07:25

I think it boils down to respect, plain and simple.

I wouldn't want sloppy seconds personally, but if there is a geniune chemistry/affection that they can't deny, speaking to the 'ex' is a must just out of politeness and respect.

It wouldn't sit comfortabley with me, but if a friend spoke about it to me, then I'd just have to like it or lump in and have no other problems, but if they didn't speak about it to me, I'd be very hurt.

tallulahxhunny · 05/05/2011 07:28

I wish my ex would get a girlfriend but i dont think i would want him to be with one of my friends, not because of feelings etc, its more that i dont want her knowing all my business, ie things he may tell her i said, habits i have etc. i think it would make things very awkward.

but that would depend oin how long i was witht he ex as well, if it was another ex which i only went with for a few months i wouldnt really GAF.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 07:38

Thread about a thread is bad form ...but maybe you have strong feelings...I agree with you anyway.

Once a relationship is over, it is over. Obviously if a friend was broken hearted over a man then it would simply be mean to date him.

However when the relationship was years ago....there's no reason why the person cannot date a friend imo.

GooGooMuck · 05/05/2011 07:44

My sister phoned me to say she was seeing my ex. There was no permission about it.
I didn't like it at all.
But what could I do?

I think it was icky. More icky for her than me TBH.

They are still together after 5 years. I got over it.

tabulahrasa · 05/05/2011 07:53

Well unless it was an extremely amicable break up (and let's be honest they're not that common) your friend is now with someone that at worst dislikes you or at best it's awkward to be round

They're also sleeping with someone that you used to, which is icky.

I don't have any recent exes (been with dp a long time) so for me it would be more about how it would affect the friendship than about still caring about the ex

sausagesandmarmelade · 05/05/2011 08:14

Cos it's a bit too close to home...you want to move on, not have their relationship rubbed in your face...and forever have the Ex as part of your life...and your social circle.

Might be fine with some...but not for me.

Lucyinthepie · 05/05/2011 08:37

Threads about threads... often said to be "bad form", but on other discussion groups are seen as perfectly legitimate. If something you read sets you off on a train of thought, why not? Maybe Mumsnet is being changed by it's users.
People will get attracted to each other, and someone's ex might be someone else's life partner, so I don't think it's fair for the ex to take umbrage. Having said that, we're all only human. Smile

valiumbandwitch · 05/05/2011 08:42

Well, like Lesley, if I'd been in this position I wouldn't have said anything no matter how much it hurt. Pretending to be 'ok' about something is hard work.

I would never have gone out with somebody who hurt a friend, either because he treated her badly or because she was very upset when it ended. i think it is just common decency.

But there are a lot of people out there who never give a thought to anybody else really, and who are incapable of putting themselves in somebody else's shoes.

nenevomito · 05/05/2011 08:52

Its difficult. With some ex's I couldn't care less if my friends went out with them as we broke up for mutal reasons or because we just didn't get on.

However I did warn my friend off my last ex as he was a self absorbed tosser who slept around. She ignored me and told me it was just me being bitter and sour grapes and went out with him - dumping our friendship in the process.

Strangely after 6 months they broke up as he treated her like crap and left her for someone else. Whodathunk?

So maybe its just that some women know what a man is like and don't want their friends to waste their time with them?

marmaladetwatkins · 05/05/2011 08:53

It's not just women, you know?!

Many years ago, my boyfriend unceremoniously dumped me after two years together. I asked him if we could try again and he refused. About three months later I started seeing a mutual friend. Ex rang me to fume that I hadn't checked with him and told me to go and die in a car crash. Nice.

EmmaBemma · 05/05/2011 08:53

It's not just women. Remember the unholy shitstorm that was unleashed when John Terry started boffing Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend: they were taken to pieces by the tabloids and he lost the England captaincy.

Yukana · 05/05/2011 08:54

Sometimes it really depends on the situation. On the bad side of things it could be longlasting jealousy.

Now for me, I wouldn't mind so long as it wasn't say, a week after I had finished the relationship with that person and they decided to date my friend. I think a short but reasonable time period after the relationship ends helps avoid the 'awkward' feeling of knowing your ex is with or seeing your ex with one of your friends.

There's also the bad situation where the ex was completely horrible to you in various ways and you may just want to forget their existence. I suppose there are a lot of reasons but like I said - after a reasonable time period it should be fine usually.

marmaladetwatkins · 05/05/2011 08:55

Hang on. I've totally got the wrong end of the stick about this thread.

As you were Blush

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