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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand why women think they have 'dibs' on an ex?

38 replies

JaneFonda · 04/05/2011 23:14

I was reading another thread, it got me thinking.

If you have a relationship with someone, then that relationship ends and both parties have moved on - why is it a problem if the ex then starts going out with one of the woman's friends?

Once, a friend of mine asked me for permission to go on a date with my ex. It surprised me, because I was unaware of any kind of rule that existed. I now know about this unwritten rule, but why does it exist/why must is be followed?

I genuinely don't understand; no offence is meant to those who would have a problem with ex-boyfriends and friends going out!

OP posts:

HubbaHubbaBubba · 05/05/2011 09:05

Oooh googoo that is definitely too close to home.

Think most people have stated the obvious reasons why it isn't socially acceptable. I do agree that if it is a longterm potential, and the original relationship wasn't very serious, then it shouldn't be a problem. I also agree that it is strange to want to be with somebody else's ex for anything less than a very serious relationship.

It doesn't make sense to be jealous or cross, but that doesn't mean people don't have those feelings. I finished a very long term relationship with my ex. When he got engaged to somebody else (nobody I knew) about a year later, it hurt like fuck but for no explicable reason.

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2011 09:14

Wouldn't be arsed but i would find it very weird.

What do you talk about at a boozy BBQ? His coming face or the strange vein in his nob or his penchance for golden showers maybe?

HauntedLittleLunatic · 05/05/2011 09:25

I have an issue with the woman my xp is currently seeing...because if he isn't seeing her and had never net her we would most probably still be together.

I suspect her dh would have more of an issue though......

expatinscotland · 05/05/2011 09:30

What Vazjazz wrote.

Someone else's table scraps. Yuk.

Too many men in the world for that.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/05/2011 10:15

Actually, this 'lots of other men in the world' is a bit of a non-starter as quite a lot of people's social circles are pretty small. If you move within a particular group (due to a mutual hobby/interest/line of work) you're probably going to end up involved at some point with someone who is the XP of someone else you know. So people have to grow up and get over the fact they were dumped rather than making it eveyrone else's problem.

SardineQueen · 05/05/2011 10:29

I agree that it's not just women who do this!

I can also understand why people don't like it etc

Having said that I am married to a friend of an ex... they weren't close friends though so that definitely makes it OK

Bumpsadaisie · 05/05/2011 10:58

I don't think you should need to "get permission" to do out with a friend's ex. That said, I would expect my friend to do me the courtesy of letting me know.

bupcakesandcunting · 05/05/2011 11:00

"What do you talk about at a boozy BBQ? His coming face or the strange vein in his nob or his penchance for golden showers maybe?"

Are we talking from personal experience here, ENorma? I lwys wondered why your posts smell faintly of wee.

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 05/05/2011 11:07

It could wreck the friendship too- imagine it was one of your close friends, you couldn't really confide in them, could you? And what if you have ties to the ex- kids or house, say. Any disagreements you have with the ex, your friend is going to side with there partner either way, not there friend.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2011 11:08

Then get a new social circle! Someone's sloppy seconds just never appealed to me. Until recently, too, I've always lived in fairy large cities. No shortage of new social areas to move in and find new men.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/05/2011 12:06

Well, if they're your ex, you either still have feelings for them (they dumped you) or you don't want to stay in touch (you dumped them). With the former, it is harder to move on because your ex is around, the latter it is annoying because your ex is around.

Plus, your friend now has divided loyalties. Can you confide in them and be sure they won't re-confide in your ex? So you lose a friend, or at least your full trust/comfort in that friend.

So it's not really 'having dibs'; more that you expect better of your friends than to keep your ex in your circle when it would be in your interests not to be in touch with him.

And really, can you think of any exes of your friends that you would care to take up with? All my friends exes are their exes for good reasons, which do not reflect well on the exes.

LaWeaselIsOupaLaDouffe · 05/05/2011 12:11

I do agree with OP, but at the same time I definately agree with the "someone that failed your friend's roadtest is probably a wanker" theory.

I had a situation where a guy I'd been out with for no more than a few weeks, then got together with a mutual friend, I said I didn't mind (but did!)

As time went on I started to realise that actually he'd been such a dick to me and was being the same to me friend. But I couldn't say anything about it because it would all be interpreted as sour grapes. They lasted about 18months and then he left her in really crap circumstances - they'd moved in together and she ended up homeless and loosing her job + sleeping on friends floors...

So if you think your friend is a reasonable person and they couldn't make a relationship with this person work then you'd be wise to avoid too!

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2011 12:15

Oh no bupcakes, i'm the pisser

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