Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/AIBO? Weight comment (am I being oversensitive?)

33 replies

lubeybooby · 04/05/2011 18:55

Hi. I'm having a hard time judging my reaction to this as I've just had the nexplanon contraceptive implant and it has been giving me a hard time emotionally to say the least. I burst into tears much easier and it's tougher to calm down. I also recently quit smoking. So I could be being far more sensitive than I normally would be, if you see what I mean. Please help me judge?

Sorry if this is long and a bit disjointed, I will try not to drip feed.

Backstory:

DP is (on the whole!) the kindest and most wonderful man I've ever met. The VAST, vast majority of the time anyway. No one has ever been kinder or more generous to me, or been there for me more. No one has ever made me happier. He is romantic, funny, a great cook, everything I ever wanted. We fell in love very quickly, have been together a year now and he has just moved in with me.

When I was 18lb heavier than I am now he told me (with a soppy look in his eyes and very genuine sincerity) I was beautiful and the 'perfect size' for him. I felt on top of the world, and love like that from him really spurred me on with my quest to lose weight and quit smoking etc.

Between January and March I lost 25lb. I quit smoking 6 weeks ago, really struggled and gained back 11lb of that - BUT I'm getting it back under control with the shred and also couch to 5k, which I'm enjoying and are going ok, I lost 1lb last week and 2lb this week so it's now like I only gained 8lb of it back, if you see what I mean. It's on it's way off again is my main point, and he knows this.

Incident today:

DP and I were generally chatting about a few plans for the future when he slipped in a comment about my weight.... which he now apologetically claims is a "joke"

He said something (a very fast sweeping comment) about my "part of the deal" being to reach my goal weight by June. Then when he saw how upset I was (eyes were starting to filll up and I was doing my best not to show it, I'm never going to make it by the original goal date I had so find this upsetting) he apologised, made all the right noises, claimed it was a joke, apologised again.

Bit more sort of backstory... I think the 'deal' he is thinking of is that he has had a lot of upheaval and a salary cut in order to move in with me, we talked last year about if he does that, then I TRY to quit smoking. Which I have done much easier than I thought (apart from weight gain) - nothing weight related at all was in the 'deal', the deal was to do with smoking.

So...I don't think it was a joke. He had said something earlier in the day, I had a delivery of a jar of marshmallow fluff and he has never tried it so we licked some off a spoon..... and he said something about me not having too much of it as it was bound to be really fattening. I told him that actually it's fat free (it is, it's just sugar so not as bad as say chocoate, which is sugar AND fat) and forgot about it really until the incident.

Now that what I've just written above, ^^ seems to me to be evidence that he wasn't joking. It must have been preying on his mind, dying to get out.

So, if you have made it here thanks for reading!

AIBU/AIBO to think it wasn't at all a joke, and to be rather upset about it?

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 04/05/2011 18:59

I don't get it!
What did he actually say to you that was nasty?
Did he mock you for gaining weight? Mock you for not losing enough?

I'm unsure why you're upset

squeakytoy · 04/05/2011 19:00

You are being a bit sensitive really I think.

And the fluff stuff, is sugar, and really will not help with the weighloss you know...

Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/05/2011 19:01

Sorry should have been clearer. He said something in quite a scornful way about my part of the deal (of him having the upheaval of moving in) being to reach my goal weight by June. I'm not going to make it and he knows this so it upset me.

I don't remember exact wording but it was the tone of it.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/05/2011 19:02

If you only have 8lb to lose, and a month to do it in, of course it is possible!!! dont eat that fluff!!!!!

FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 19:03

He did not say anything that was nasty, and I cannot really see where he said something offensive.

I sincerely think though you are doing too much, generally people can only manage to do one thing at a time, you are losing weight, and stopping smoking, jeeeeze girl I applaud you cos I could never do both.

You are doing marvelously!

8lb is easy 2lb a week should be your aim and you easily lose that by June! no sweat.

Hey you said he is lovely, Im sure he didn't mean to offend you. You have obviously said you want to lose the weight by June at some point and he is trying to support you nothing else.

Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/05/2011 19:03

Squeaky I lost 25lb between Jan and March, I know how to lose weight! I only licked a bit off a spoon :o

OP posts:
SarkyLady · 04/05/2011 19:03

I would assume it is a (crap) joke unless you have good reason to think he is an arse :)

TotalChaos · 04/05/2011 19:03

chic - it's not that he mocked her, it's that he's behaving as if her losing weight by June was a promise to him, which personally I wouldn't find acceptable. so yanbu.but since he's apologised, I would leave it, but if he raises your weight again, then have words that he's to butt out.

chicletteeth · 04/05/2011 19:05

So it's his tone that has upset you, rather than the comment?

If you feel he is pouring scorn on you, for whatever reason, then YANBU! It's not nice to treat somebody you love that way, regardless as to what the conversation was about.

However, you sound as if you are a bit sensitive really. Weight is a sensitive issue for most women, especially when it's a bigger number than they want it to be

chicletteeth · 04/05/2011 19:06

p.s. well done on the weight loss! Quick summary, how are you doing this?

HeadfirstForHalos · 04/05/2011 19:06

Sugar isn't the enemy squeaky, I don't think a lick of a spoon now and again will hurt.

I too can't see why you're upset, he seemed to just say a daft thing which he immediately regretted and apologised for, unless I'm missing something?

Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/05/2011 19:06

No it's now like I only gained 8lb of the weight i'd lost back.

I had 45lb to lose (well technically a lot more than that to get to supposed ideal weight but I chose 45lb as it seemed a more acheiveable goal)

I lost 25lb of it

Gained 11lb of what I had lost back

Have now lost 3lb again since starting shred etc, so still a looooong way to go, 30lb ish basically

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/05/2011 19:08

Thanks for the well dones and opinions so far

Between Jan and march i was just calorie counting and keeping an online food diary, now I'm doing that plus the shred and couch to 5k running programme. I'm very very achey but it seems to be working.

OP posts:
SmethwickBelle · 04/05/2011 19:10

You do sound a leetle bit overly sensitive to one thoughtless comment. If everything else he has done is supportive give him the benefit of the doubt here.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for you as I know when I gave up smoking I would plot violence against people merely being too slow at the checkout and losing weight puts me in a foul mood too - and you've done bloody well to do both and I hope you meet your target.

JeremyKylesPetProject · 04/05/2011 19:10

Hang on. You had a deal to lose weight? For him? I don't understand. (I'm not being arsey but I feel I am missing something)

Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/05/2011 19:12

jeremy no - the deal was that if he did all the upheaval to move in with me that I at least try to quit smoking. I have no idea where he got the idea that I'd made a pact of some sort to lose weight

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/05/2011 19:15

Thanks smethwickbelle, I will get there bit by bit, I'm really loving the exercise and beating the weight gain from quitting smoking

So general concensus seems to be that I'm being a bit oversensitive. Ok, that's fine and thanks for the opinions. As I say having just had the implant which has sent me a bit doolally, I really was having a hard time trying to judge for myself!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 19:19

Hey well done! What with the implant the smoking and the dieting you bound to be a bit sensitive. Look after yourself seriously you deserve it!

TrinityRhino · 04/05/2011 19:22

fabbychic being nice.........

CareyFakes · 04/05/2011 19:24

Congrats on the Weight Loss, AND giving up smoking, huge feat.

I think you're being a little oversensitive, BUT keep an eye on the comments, if they come more often then I'd start getting a little concerned tbh. This is probably just a one off, and he'll realise how much it hurt you so fingers crossed it shall no longer be mentioned (other than a congratulations of losing weight).

HRHPrincessZombiePlan · 04/05/2011 19:45

I actually don't think you're being oversensitive. Obviously you can't get all the nuances of a relationship over the net, so I might be miles off, but to me it's a bit creepy that he thinks you losing weight was part of the agreement re him moving in, especially when it wasn't ever discussed as part of the "deal". It comes across a bit as though he's unilaterally decided that you've got to be "fit enough" to keep him or you have to "earn" the right for him to be there by being a certain dress size. He's moved the goalposts all on his own (and it's not clear form your posts whether he acknowledges this, or whether he's saying that this was agreed between the two of you all along). Has ever-so-slightly controlling overtones imvho. Hopefully it was just a slip, but I'd just keep one eye out and step on any similar behavour hard. Hopefully is just a one off though.

Well done btw on the quittimg smoking and losing weight.

kingbeat23 · 04/05/2011 19:59

YABO - but....I have recently given up smoking too, and found that along with the weight gain I was hyper-sensitive for a while.

If you had an agreement to quit smoking, then you have achieved as much and well done you. If you had an agreement to lose weight, then you also done so and well done you on that part too.

Don't get caught up on what he has said now, however, if this keeps on happening with him saying things that upset you and then saying it is "just a joke" i'd consider if they were just that or a passive aggressive swipe at you.

HRHPrincessZombiePlan · 04/05/2011 20:00

Just another thought - I think that what's got me thinking "potentially controlling" is the idea of this deal in itself.

His part of the deal was moving in with you - as opposed to you moving to his place, or as opposed to not living together at all? If you'd gone to live with him, would you have carried on smoking? Were you ever "allowed" to smoke when you were over at his place, or was it firmly a no smoking zone?

From my perspective, living together is a choice you make together as a couple - as a pair, you decide you want that level of commitment and intimacy. You then decide where the best place to live is, and then you move. Simples.

This idea of a deal, in which you have to agree to give up something to get him to live with you, seems to hint that you may have wanted to cohabit more than he did, which hints at an imbalance of power in the relationship. Now he has hinted that you have to "add to" your part of the deal...

Now, I may be totally on the wrong track here, but if I were in your shoes I would keep a watchful eye, is all...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2011 20:09

Without trying to be sexist, I find that men are generally 'problem solvers', they keep their eye on the prize and aren't that great with incorporating changing targets and complications. Your DH knew that you were working towards a target. Contraceptive implants, hormones, mood swings... of all that is probably alien to him along with the fact that losing weight isn't easy. I'm not explaining what I mean very well but, for example, if a mate of his in the pub said something to him like "You're packng on a few pounds", he'd laugh it off probably, a woman is very unlikely to respond that way.

Tell your DH exactly how you feel and ask him to support you, non-judgementally, you're working on a lot of things at the same time and he needs to be able to 'read' you better than he has.

He doesn't mean to hurt you, OP, I'm sure of it. Talk to him... and if he doesn't listen, sit him at this thread and we'll educate him for you. Grin

theghostofposhlymanor · 04/05/2011 20:23

I don't think you're being oversensitive either :(

What do you think would happen if you didn't lose the weight? Do you think he would mind? If you suspect he would mind I would be having serious 2nd thoughts. You should only lose weight for you, not your boyfriend. Well done for quitting the ciggies though, you should feel damn proud :)

Swipe left for the next trending thread