AIBU/AIBO? Weight comment (am I being oversensitive?)

[lubeybooby]

Hi. I'm having a hard time judging my reaction to this as I've just had the nexplanon contraceptive implant and it has been giving me a hard time emotionally to say the least. I burst into tears much easier and it's tougher to calm down. I also recently quit smoking. So I could be being far more sensitive than I normally would be, if you see what I mean. Please help me judge?

Sorry if this is long and a bit disjointed, I will try not to drip feed.

Backstory:

DP is (on the whole!) the kindest and most wonderful man I've ever met. The VAST, vast majority of the time anyway. No one has ever been kinder or more generous to me, or been there for me more. No one has ever made me happier. He is romantic, funny, a great cook, everything I ever wanted. We fell in love very quickly, have been together a year now and he has just moved in with me.

When I was 18lb heavier than I am now he told me (with a soppy look in his eyes and very genuine sincerity) I was beautiful and the 'perfect size' for him. I felt on top of the world, and love like that from him really spurred me on with my quest to lose weight and quit smoking etc.

Between January and March I lost 25lb. I quit smoking 6 weeks ago, really struggled and gained back 11lb of that - BUT I'm getting it back under control with the shred and also couch to 5k, which I'm enjoying and are going ok, I lost 1lb last week and 2lb this week so it's now like I only gained 8lb of it back, if you see what I mean. It's on it's way off again is my main point, and he knows this.

Incident today:

DP and I were generally chatting about a few plans for the future when he slipped in a comment about my weight.... which he now apologetically claims is a "joke"

He said something (a very fast sweeping comment) about my "part of the deal" being to reach my goal weight by June. Then when he saw how upset I was (eyes were starting to filll up and I was doing my best not to show it, I'm never going to make it by the original goal date I had so find this upsetting) he apologised, made all the right noises, claimed it was a joke, apologised again.

Bit more sort of backstory... I think the 'deal' he is thinking of is that he has had a lot of upheaval and a salary cut in order to move in with me, we talked last year about if he does that, then I TRY to quit smoking. Which I have done much easier than I thought (apart from weight gain) - nothing weight related at all was in the 'deal', the deal was to do with smoking.

So...I don't think it was a joke. He had said something earlier in the day, I had a delivery of a jar of marshmallow fluff and he has never tried it so we licked some off a spoon..... and he said something about me not having too much of it as it was bound to be really fattening. I told him that actually it's fat free (it is, it's just sugar so not as bad as say chocoate, which is sugar AND fat) and forgot about it really until the incident.

Now that what I've just written above, ^^ seems to me to be evidence that he wasn't joking. It must have been preying on his mind, dying to get out.

So, if you have made it here thanks for reading!

AIBU/AIBO to think it wasn't at all a joke, and to be rather upset about it?

why do some people find abuse everywhere?

the dp was obviously motivatin her to do somethin ood, ie quit smokin, thats not controllin, do you like puttin doubts in already self confessed emotional and unstable womens heads about thier dps, when they didnt oriinally have those doubts.

Who said she was being abused? It's obviously not abusive behaviour, but IMO it does hint that OP may not be in a relationship of equals.

And precisely where does the OP say that she is "unstable"?

It sounds like a thoughtless rather than a spiteful comment to me OP. And as he seems to have a good track record, I'd give gim the benefit of the doubt. I'd let it go and drop my shoulders a bit (although I know these comments can sting :()

Keep going - you're doing great :o

I think that the opinions being posted here may reflect the experiences of the posters - if you've been in a controlling relationship you're more likely to look for it in what the OP has said? Mind you the same could probably be said for most aibu threads.

For me (based on my own personal prejudices ) it sounds like you are being oversensitive (which is fair enough considering!) to a rather flippant, inconsiderate and unfunny "joke" your DP made. He probably just meant it to be silly banter, not realising how it was likely to upset you (I could probably get a little sexist here about men not being very empathic or able to read situations well!) Did the apology feel sincere at the time? I can empathise with him as I upset my DH last night with a "jokey" comment about his new top - apparently he was feeling a little unsure about it and just wanted an honest opinion rather than my unhelpful comments.

As for the marshmallow fluff incident that just sounds like the kind of thing a man (sorry for generalising again!) would say when he's trying to help support you with your goal. Again it's insensitive and unhelpful and is the kind of thing that would make me scoff the entire jar but he thinks he's doing the right thing by you!

However I reserve the right to change my opinion if he starts making more comments along these lines! Best of luck with the weight loss and staying off the cigarettes.

Your DP gets to live with YOU, that is his reward for giving up other stuff!

I would be weary of anyone putting any conditions (which mean one side has to forgo something, or try & achieve something) on a relationship!

My dh smokes. I knew he did before we got together, before we moved in & before we married/had kids. He has always said he will quit one day, but I never made it a condition of him being with me.

I don't think he had the right to ask you to do this at all!

I'm in accord with HRHPrincessZombiePlan, and I'm wondering what your DP is like when he's not being the kindest and most wonderful man you've ever met the VAST, vast majority of the time?

I'm also wondering why, if your DP made all the right noises when he saw your distress, you've posted here? Could it be that you fear or sense that your DP not quite the all-singing & dancing nice guy you have hitherto believed him to be?

You've mentioned a salary cut - did your DP change jobs in order to move in with you? Could it be that he now derives less satisfaction from work coupled with the frustration of having less disposable income than before?

And why would you make the considered purchase of a jar of marshmallow fluff delivered to your door if you are on a diet and your DP had never tried it? Was it to titilate his tastebuds or do you have children living with you?

I don't expect you to answer these intrusive questions in this forum, but I do hope you'll think about them as my concern is that you may have been experiencing low self-esteem when you met your DP which could have led you to idealise/idolise him. If this is the case it can be a shock when the rosy specs fall off and you wake up and smell the coffee - or the shoes/trainers/other odours that make me want to puke I am far too genteel to mention.

The pendulum of power in relationships has been known to swing its socks off before quivering over the middle. The fact that you seem to currently be in the red because of the 'sacrifices' your DP has made to move in with you may be of no particular consequence in the longer term, and I sincerely hope that this proves to be the case.

But please be aware that if you embark on a relationship from a place of vulnerability, it is frighteningly easy for a controlling personality to slip under your radar and begin the insidious process of building you up in order to knock you down and walk all over you.