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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'm just wasting my time?

72 replies

klapaucius · 03/05/2011 21:14

This is going to be an essay. Please no "TLDR" for the sake of my currently somewhat fragile ego. And yes I know I'm probably overreacting. And that I should have posted this in "Relationships". But anyway, I have been seeing a WONDERFUL man for almost 3 months now. Not long, I know, but we have seen eachother very frequently since the 1st time we met and I've met all of his friends and we've been on a weekend break to Zurich together where we stayed at one of his best friends house. He told me - albeit whilst intoxicated - that he loved me on 2 separate occasions (although both of these times were when we were having sex so I don't think that counts and I didn't say anything back) and he told me that he told his parents he has a girlfriend. However, I was meant to meet them in Zurich and didn't :/. We also spent the day of the royal wedding together with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. How bloody long is it going to take for him to realise how wonderful I am and make me his girlfriend?!?!?!?!!?!?! Which leads me to this: on Friday night/Saturday morning I lost my phone and have been using his to text a few people including my mother. This morning (I spent Friday-Tuesday at his) she called and he answered. Blah blah blah long story short I told him she didn't know about him (playing hard to get, acting cool etc when really she knows everything from his apartment's floorplan to his inside leg measurement) and later facebook messaged him saying "I told my mum u are my boyfriend haha sorry hope u don't mind". THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER he replies with "haha what do u think my mom thinks. there was no other way to explain it to her". WHAT IS THAT? I basically gave him an opening and he throws it in my face. I also happened to look AWFUL on the day I left his (should have taken my makeup off instead of sleeping in it 2 days in a row really) which is making me think any thoughts he had of taking things further may well have melted away along with my mascara faster than you can say "Regan MacNeil". I just need some opinions before I contemplate death by chocolate.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 03/05/2011 22:28

Wait, I'm in my 20s as well and although some of my friends have grown out of caring by now around half of them would be pretty upset if their boyfriend refused to acknowledge their relationship on facebook unless he had specific reason to. It's a little immature but not completely unbelievable.

Spero · 03/05/2011 22:30

I'm 105 and I would be upset too about the Facebook status thing. Well, maybe not after three months, but certainly after six it would niggle. Especially if it said 'single'.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2011 22:34

What is up with all these trippy threads?

Aren't you supposed to be revising for exams or something?

Original poster

klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:40

Spero haha! Me too, or if it said he was looking for "Whatever he can get". That would be mildly bothersome. He has hidden his rship status which is something that has always struck me as somewhat alarming (I have too, but it doesn't count). Ooh, maybe I should bring it back and have it say Single...

But anyway, enough of the immaturity, thanks Spero I really appreciate it. I do actually believe that you are 105 as your advice is very wise. Or that you are a relationship guidance counsellor and I'm saving about £400 an hour. Either way, thank you. I completely agree with your statement and it's something that will now be on the forefront of my mind. And counselling is actually a good idea that I will look into for sure.

OP posts:

annh · 03/05/2011 22:41

Spero, if you're 105 I can understand you being upset about any delay in your BF updating his FB status! After all, at your advanced age, you might not be around in another month to revel in your status!

RancerDoo · 03/05/2011 22:46

Ok, here is the benefit of my relationships wisdom.

If you go out with someone and it is all "oh, I have to pretend not to be clingy", "he ignored me in Zurich", "I must not call him or he'll think I am desperate" blah blah blah then it is A WASTE OF TIME.

If you meet someone and it is really fun, you feel like yourself, you don't need to pretend/play games, you can call them when you feel like it and it is easy, nice, friends and you laugh together in bed then it is THE REAL THING.

That is all.

woopsidaisy · 03/05/2011 22:48

RancerDoo,exactly! If he is crazy about you, you will know it.
But it sounds like he does like you,so maybe go with the flow and enjoy it?

Original poster

klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:49

RancerDoo we DO laugh all the time in bed, we Blackberry instant message eachother daily whether it just be about silly things and he makes me feel amazing when I'm with him. Maybe I'm the problem :s

OP posts:

Spero · 03/05/2011 22:49

Eh? adjusts ear trumpet

Yup, save yourself twenty years of misery and/or £100s on therapy and have RancerDoo's post tattooed somewhere discrete but where you can read it EVERY DAY.

I bloody wish I had had mature and sensible advice way back then. But I would almost certainly have ignored it.

BertieBotts · 03/05/2011 23:02

If you feel you're the problem then either

The relationship isn't right. Read RancerDoo's post again.
You're not in a good place to be dating. Take a step back (doesn't mean you have to end it) and concentrate on you. Treat him as a pleasing distraction, but not the main focus of your life/thoughts. Be busy. Work on things you want to achieve. Make plans. Do things that make you happy which don't involve him. Of course you can do things with him which make you happy too but don't have that as your whole source of being. Feel amazing not just when you're with him, but by yourself. Believe you are amazing. Have some counselling! It's helpful to anyone. You don't have to have a "problem" to gain from it.

JeremyKylesPetProject · 03/05/2011 23:03

Wawawewa... OP this what you do. Staple several paper cups together and place them on his desk balanced on his laptop or some important papers. Fill them with water that has food colouring in. Water his mattress and plant some cress. Unpick his curtains and hem some prawns into them and last but not least hack his facebook and "Like" a lot of gay stuff. (Aaron from Emmerdale, WWF wrestlers, Hugs by the fire, Glee, Going On long walks... y'know that kind of thing etc etc). Very therapeutic and guaranteed to solve the "Girlfriend" problem.

Spero · 03/05/2011 23:04

You are going to run out of space for the tattoos at this rate.

Original poster

klapaucius · 03/05/2011 23:32

BertieBotts thanks. I do need to focus on something other than him. I know it's not right or healthy to focus so much on one person and have your happiness depend on them. For me that's easier said than done, though. Oh well, I guess we will just see where it goes.

JeremyKylesPetProject been there.

OP posts:

JeremyKylesPetProject · 03/05/2011 23:33

Never!

Original poster

klapaucius · 03/05/2011 23:41

Twice

OP posts:

NonnoMum · 03/05/2011 23:43

I think your lack of paragraphing may be suffocating him.

HengshanRoad · 04/05/2011 01:17

OP, how old are you? Genuine question. The original post sounds like something I would have written age 20.

TandB · 04/05/2011 08:52

I am echoing previous posters who have raised eyebrows at the "make me his girlfriend" thing. You don't wait for a man to "make" you his girlfriend. The relationship evolves until you both know where you stand. It is only at school where someone runs up to someone in the playground, punches them on the arm and says "er do you want to be my girlfriend?"

Either you are in an adult relationship or you are not. If you are not after three months, then you probably never will be. If you are, then there you go. If you really can't tell then you need to ask him outright.

This sounds as though it began a bit messily - you were seeing someone else at the same time which isn't exactly an auspicious start, but you really should have a fairly clear idea by now whether this is a no-strings fling, or a proper relationship. Nothing wrong with the former as long as you both are in agreement that that is what it is.

Original poster

klapaucius · 04/05/2011 16:43

Thanks kungfupannda - that does help a lot. I'm only confused because with my only other relationship we did have the conversation about it. But you're right and when I think about it like that I know that we are in an adult relationship. In fact, I prefer to think about it in those terms as opposed to girlfriend/boyfriend. I can definitely tell that it is not a no-strings fling as we have spoken about being exclusive.

OP posts:

ConsuelaBananahammock · 04/05/2011 17:19

god sorry but we're not in high school here

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 04/05/2011 17:34

you are playing mind games with him as you are insecure, if you continue he will get fedxup and dump you.

relax and enjoy it

NurseSunshine · 04/05/2011 18:43

Do you have children?

Are you a real person?

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