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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm just wasting my time?

72 replies

klapaucius · 03/05/2011 21:14

This is going to be an essay. Please no "TLDR" for the sake of my currently somewhat fragile ego. And yes I know I'm probably overreacting. And that I should have posted this in "Relationships". But anyway, I have been seeing a WONDERFUL man for almost 3 months now. Not long, I know, but we have seen eachother very frequently since the 1st time we met and I've met all of his friends and we've been on a weekend break to Zurich together where we stayed at one of his best friends house. He told me - albeit whilst intoxicated - that he loved me on 2 separate occasions (although both of these times were when we were having sex so I don't think that counts and I didn't say anything back) and he told me that he told his parents he has a girlfriend. However, I was meant to meet them in Zurich and didn't :/. We also spent the day of the royal wedding together with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. How bloody long is it going to take for him to realise how wonderful I am and make me his girlfriend?!?!?!?!!?!?! Which leads me to this: on Friday night/Saturday morning I lost my phone and have been using his to text a few people including my mother. This morning (I spent Friday-Tuesday at his) she called and he answered. Blah blah blah long story short I told him she didn't know about him (playing hard to get, acting cool etc when really she knows everything from his apartment's floorplan to his inside leg measurement) and later facebook messaged him saying "I told my mum u are my boyfriend haha sorry hope u don't mind". THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER he replies with "haha what do u think my mom thinks. there was no other way to explain it to her". WHAT IS THAT? I basically gave him an opening and he throws it in my face. I also happened to look AWFUL on the day I left his (should have taken my makeup off instead of sleeping in it 2 days in a row really) which is making me think any thoughts he had of taking things further may well have melted away along with my mascara faster than you can say "Regan MacNeil". I just need some opinions before I contemplate death by chocolate.

OP posts:
GooseberryFool · 03/05/2011 21:50

I would caution against smothering him by demanding a 'title' - he'll run for the hills and I'd have to say he'd be doing the right thing. Just go with it - if it is, it is and if it ain't it was never meant to be.

unsurevalentine · 03/05/2011 21:53

Are we in 1950?! Hmm

troisgarcons · 03/05/2011 21:54

Some of us have moral standards ... no bloke marries what he get for free.

Spero · 03/05/2011 21:55

Ignore troisgarcons. What a worthless peon.

Its not the sex that is the problem, it is the desparate neediness. Just relax and see how it goes. If you are still together and minibreaking in another three months I don't see how you can doubt your status.

What is important is not the label you want him to attach to the relationship, but how does he treat you? Is he kind? Does he call when he says he'll call? Do you feel a happy person when you are with him? Do you know at the end of the week when you will be seeing him the next?

If the above applies, I don't think it matters a stuff what labels you give each other.

Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 21:55

Georgimama - in my 20s. I know I sound about 11. They were PMs and only communicating via FB due to losing my phone.

Newgolddream - that's what I had hoped but am doubting myself now.

troisgarcons - I don't think you are being harsh I'm actually beginning to think that myself and whether I should bring that up with him, as in, you are making me feel a bit weird (basically meaning slaggish) sleeping with you and not knowing that you like me enough to officially call me your girlfriend. I'm very seriously thinking about bringing this up with him the next time I see him.

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Spero · 03/05/2011 21:56

Wow, trois so were you picketing Westminster Abbey and screaming 'you lying trollop!' at Kate Middleton as she married in white?

I know you are only having a bit of fun, but please put a bit more effort in. Thanks.

Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 21:57

But at the same time, troisgarcons, life isn't about getting a bloke to marry you any more! So chill out. He's behaved far worse. But I guess you don't think ill of him....

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Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 21:59

GooseberryFool - thanks a lot for your words. That is great advice. I suppose that's the only way and you live and learn. I am enjoying the time I'm spending with him and I guess that's the most important thing. I hope it's heading in that direction though.

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Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:02

Spero he does treat me well, we don't call eachother but we do keep in contact pracically daily via texting etc. and I do feel happy with him although he completely ignored me during Zurich when he was with his friends although he later said that was because he was shy. And sometimes I don't know when I'll see him next for example today... but still. I definitely agree with what you say about seeing where we are in another 3 months time. You can't go wrong with believing that whatever happens is meant to.

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pearlym · 03/05/2011 22:05

sounds like yuo are his gf, what more doyou want?

nijinsky · 03/05/2011 22:07

Are you still a teenager? If not, it might be a good idea to relax a bit and be a bit more cool otherwise you risk coming across as a bit of a bunny boiler!

Who cares what his mother thinks? Who cares about the make up thing? And what is this "making me his girlfriend" thing? Is it a formal stage in a relationship that I have never heard of? Does it require a ring or something to be signed?

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 22:09

I do feel happy with him although he completely ignored me during Zurich when he was with his friends although he later said that was because he was shy

riiiiiiiiiight ... Confused

I definitely agree with what you say about seeing where we are in another 3 months time.

I can tell you now, you will be in exactly the same position.

He sounds like a complete twat to be honest, who is just stringing you along and you are falling for it.

What exactly has he done that makes him "wonderful".

Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:10

pearlym I know it sounds like it, it sounds like it to me too. But that's the problem - why hasn't he said anything? I don't want him to feel like he has both (singledom and a girlfriend) if he's not going to show some commitment whether it be as simple as saying "I consider you my girlfriend" or that he is in a relationship on Facebook. Facebook is important in this as he has about 1500 friends, most of which are girls (his brother is a London club promoter and he goes out with him at least 2 x a week) and I feel it shows a lack of respect to me :S

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ilovesooty · 03/05/2011 22:10

Well, when you leap on him and tell him he's the love of your life and you've already chosen your wedding dress and the names of your children, perhaps you'll be able to tell how things are by his reaction... Grin

Seriously, I don't see the problem. Enjoy what you have.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 22:10

I also happened to look AWFUL on the day I left his (should have taken my makeup off instead of sleeping in it 2 days in a row really) which is making me think any thoughts he had of taking things further may well have melted away along with my mascara

Did you not actually wash for 2 days???? Shock

QuintessentialPains · 03/05/2011 22:11

you did not realize you are in a relationship? how dim are you?

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 22:11

Facebook is important in this as he has about 1500 friends, most of which are girls

enough!!!! this is either a wind-up, or you are incredibly gullible and naive about this pillock...

ilovesooty · 03/05/2011 22:12

"In a relationship" on Facebook???? Is this for real?

Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:12

nijinsky I would LOVE for him to introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend, for example. Or to meet his father when he flies in from Germany on Sunday. I bet that won't happen although he said I "might" meet him. Oh thanks.

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QuintessentialPains · 03/05/2011 22:12

Is it half term in the uk?

Spero · 03/05/2011 22:13

Ok, there are some worrying signs of unacceptable behaviour here. He ignored you in front of his friends because he was 'shy' ???

But no point in getting into a tizz about it. I would give it a few months, try to relax and then reassess.

If he is still acting like a twat when his friends are around, if you are still unsure when you will next be seeing him then you either need to have a word or to walk away.

There is no bloody point in a relationship WHATSOEVER unless each party to that relationship, most of the time, thinks the other is wonderful and important and wants to make each other's life better. And please accept this as the advice of a battle scarred veteran of crap relationship. I look back on the time wasted trying to keep relationships going with fools and borderline psychotics and I want to weep. It would have been far, far better to have spent at least some of that time having counselling and trying to work out why my self esteem was so low I would rather be with a twat than on my own.

Think of me as your electronic ghost of relationships past. Wooo. Clanks chains.

annh · 03/05/2011 22:18

Good heavens, if you want to "be his girlfriend", whatever on earth that rite of passage would involve, then just ask him whether he considers that the two of you are in a relationship? If he says yes, then just leave well enough alone and stop seeking validation for your neediness, if he says no, then you'll have your answer and can move on. Is changing his status on FB somehow going to make you feel better or do you just want to stick 2 fingers up at his 1500 "friends" (hilarious), most of whom are girls??!!! How needy do you sound?

Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:21

Thanks, Spero. I am a little wary too due to a past relationship (definitely fits your borderline psychotic description) and it would be wonderful if we could all enter new ones completely un-battle scarred and with glass-half-full attitudes. I will most definitely think of you as my electronic ghost of relationships past haha! I love that!

But yeah, that's why I'm so reluctant to 'waste' any more time with someone I think will hurt me in the long run.

He did ignore me but apologised profusely after and addressed the fact that is was unnacceptable. So I'm glad he at least recognised that's not the way he should have acted.

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Original poster
klapaucius · 03/05/2011 22:24

annh I can't believe I'm so needy! I thought I was independent and strong ha! But thanks, annh, I will ask him that. I am loving everyone's mutual agreement on him considering me as his girlfriend because this saves me the pending neediness-related humiliation I was going to subject myself to later tonight. I knew MN was a good idea.

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Spero · 03/05/2011 22:27

Ok, he apologised, that is good. But he mustn't do it again. If he really likes you he will be proud of you and want to show you off to his friends.

I know it is naive to expect anyone else to learn from my mistakes but if my daughter learns only one lesson from me about relationships I want it to be this: don't be with someone who isn't proud of you, happy to be with you and happy for everyone else to know that.

Seriously, why not try some counselling? If you have had a bad past experience, you don't want to be dragging that baggage around everywhere you go. You do sound as if you are stressing and over analysing which will have a bad impact on any relationship, even the best kinds.