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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Remember my thread about SIL who hates me attending my wedding? Here is what happened

40 replies

lovetoshop · 03/05/2011 19:58

Thanks all of you who posted thoughts on recent thread. In the end, SIL attended our wedding this weekend. She stared out of the window as we took our vows and ignored me all day. I was OK until she walked past me and a friend and as I said Hi to her she stepped over my dress and blanked me. DH was extremely angry but didnt want a scene. MIL was unaware but probably because she didnt speak to us much either. Just kept staring at SIL with sad expression. Eventually as the evening went on (i wasnt drinking by the way) I became so upset I ended up crying with my maids of honour. Thankfully I managed to act as normal in front of most guests, although one of my family members witnessed me telling DH what had happened. When DH spoke to his brother about situation he merely said 'atleast she came I didnt think she would, she's just upset about Dad'. What can I say to that? Ultimately, she marred my wedding day, which makes me furious, and so sad. I want nothing to do with her again but as she lives with MIL I will see her whenever I take kids over. AIBU??????

OP posts:

griphook · 03/05/2011 20:00

Didn't read you old thread but she sounds very rude. Have you asked her why she is so rude to you?

TheSkiingGardener · 03/05/2011 20:02

Of course YANBU. But it's her problem, let her have it and deal with her issues. Hard I know, but concentrate on you and your DH and being the saner person!

parakeet · 03/05/2011 20:04

Er...how do you know she was staring out of a window as you took your vows? At my wedding I had my back to the "audience" for that part. If you were arranged facing them, presumably you would have been looking at your husband for most of them. I don't think it's crime of the century to look out of the window during the vows - weddings can be v. boring.

And to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she didn't hear you say "Hi"?

I don't know the history, but it sounds to me like you WANTED to get upset by her that day.

TarheelMama · 03/05/2011 20:27

I remember your thread. You took the high road and let her come and she repaid you by being a cow. I would ignore, ignore, ignore her from now on.

Sorry for you. Hope it was a lovely day otherwise.

Original poster

lovetoshop · 03/05/2011 20:40

Thanks TarheelMama. The rest of the day went well, if a whirlwind actually. I'm sad that I cried on my wedding day but I guess it will become less significant as time goes by. For the record, I was facing my DH during my vows but the guests were seated in an 'arch' arrangement around us and SIL happened to be positioned just over DH's left shoulder from my perspective! I need a thicker skin. Friends who witnessed her behaviour for the first time have suggested it's not just me, and that throughout the day she was very 'off' with most people. I wish I could eliminate her from my life, but so long as she lives with MIL our paths will cross.

OP posts:

Gooseberrybushes · 03/05/2011 20:42

My sister had horrid relatives at her wedding. She has forgiven them, I never will.

By which I mean to say: blank her from your mind. Don't pity her, dont' think of her. I wouldn't go over to your MILs either. And I would tell your MIL why.

SarahBumBarer · 03/05/2011 20:47

YANBU. IIRC your DH's dad died several years ago? I know some people can take a long time to get over these things (which is fair enough and terribly distressing for those grieving) but it is absolutely no excuse for pig ignorance complete and utter rudeness.

I actually wouldn't be capable of being as reasonable as you - I would have said something to the rude cow (not on the day itself but afterwards or before) and would refuse to go to MIL's unless she was out and make it clear that this was my intended attitude from now on until she shapes up.

Good luck with taking the high road though Hopefully you wont end up exploding and socking her one at some point!

Bellebelicious · 03/05/2011 20:47

I agree with skiing gardener. Why were you even looking at her during your vows FFS?

You LET her ruin your day. It wasn't supposed to be about her. It was about you and yet there you were worrying about her reactions. Why? Is your life not very interesting? Is she more important than you? Because you are acting like she is. You are acting like she's the queen bee and whatever she does is incredibly important - so important that it usurps your wedding day and reduces you to tears if she isn't nice to you.

I know she's a cow - but honestly, if I was your DH I would be really insulted that you were even thinking about her on that day.

TidyDancer · 03/05/2011 20:50

Oh, I was hoping for an update on this one!

I hate to say it, because she was a shitbag on the day, but it wasn't the worst thing she could've done, considering the royal pain in the ass she was potentially going to be. She's vile though, and I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her.

TidyDancer · 03/05/2011 20:51

Congratulations on the wedding btw! :)

CareyFakes · 03/05/2011 20:53

Just ignore her, treat her how she treats you, nonexistent. I would still go round MIL's but speak to only MIL and pay no heed to SIL whatsoever.

Childish, fuck yeah

zippy539 · 03/05/2011 20:53

Any chance of a link to the original thread just for some perspective?

AitchTwoOh · 03/05/2011 20:58

this ridiculous thing is taking up far too much room in your head, lovetoshop. she didn't do anything wrong at all, she just wasn't paying too much attention during your vows (she can't stand you, so that's not a surprise) and she blanked you. big deal, tbh. you don't like her and she doesn't like you... let that be.

DuelingFanjo · 03/05/2011 21:02

Why were you watching her while taking your vows?

I think you're being a bit odd to be honest.

atswimtwolengths · 03/05/2011 21:13

Why are people blaming the OP? She was good enough to invite this woman - I remember the previous thread - and it was inevitable that the OP would notice someone staring out of the window at that time. It's distracting, probably exactly what her SIL wanted.

HRHPrincessZombiePlan · 03/05/2011 21:30

SIL sounds a bit pathetic and passive aggressive to me - I know some people just like that and I can totally imagine them deliberately looking away and then, when pulled up on it, whining "what, now I don't even look in the right direction??".

Haven't seen other thread though, so backgound might alter perspective.

Newgolddream · 03/05/2011 21:35

"Ultimately, she marred my wedding day, which makes me furious, and so sad"

She only marred it because you let her tbh, which I find a bit strange. I do remember the origianl thread and whilst you had all my sympathy there I dont understand why you let her being there affect you so much you were crying because of it on your wedding day.

ScarletOHaHa · 03/05/2011 21:51

Congratulations lovetoshop. cheers

Thanks for the update.

Given her past behaviour it would be hard for you to ignore her. Agree she is passive aggressive and she should have stayed home. How does DH feel?

heliumballoons · 03/05/2011 22:05

Can you link the other thread. SIL doesn't sound particulary nice.

Congratulations on your wedding btw. I agree don't let her ruin it that is something you can control.

AitchTwoOh · 03/05/2011 22:09

but given past behaviour and given that she was invited, then the day passed more or less without incident.

suburbophobe · 03/05/2011 22:20

So true when you marry someone you get the family for free to go with it!

Doesn't mean you have to deal with them, if they don't make you feel good - due to their own issues - just pass them by, hard I know, but the only way!

Leave her to her own devices! Don't jump to the bait!

Congratulations on your marriage!

CelebratedMonkey · 03/05/2011 22:25

I think people are being harsh on the OP to say she shouldn't have noticed. OP knew SIL was likely to cause trouble and was already worried. There must be a chance that if the OP was less concerned beforehand she wouldn't have noticed someone being a bit distracted.

Needanewname · 03/05/2011 22:30

Think a link is needed so us newcomers can get an idea of this sil

Bellebelicious · 03/05/2011 22:41

It's not that she shouldn't have noticed monkey, but that she ended up crying about it! I mean SIL is a cow - an unstable, attention-seeking brat who is overindulged by her family. People like that are horrible - but there comes a point where you pay them attention and give them power. Even thinking about them for more than 2 seconds on your wedding day is one such occasion. I mean it's not like she stripped off or threw up on the cake, so she hardly 'ruined' the day. She was just a miserable cow, as usual.

OP - I am sorry if I'm coming across as horrible. I do understand what it's like when someone gets into your head. I got really stressed about someone at work once who was making my life hell. She was two-faced, super political and she just got to me all the time (which was her intention). I remember talking to my hairdresser about her and he just looked at me and said;

"Belle - do you think for one minute X is going to the hairdresser and talking about you?" It was my lightbulb moment and I got things into perspective. Maybe the fact that you were crying about your SIL at your own wedding could be a light bulb moment for you. She isn't important - she really isn't

Spudulika · 04/05/2011 12:02

Have to say, as someone who has also experienced something of what you've been through from a SIL I'm inclined to share Belle's view. Don't continue to allow this person to live rent free in your head. The only time I ever think of my SIL now is when I'm looking for extra motivation to improve my life. I sometimes allow myself to imagine how much it will annoy her to see me making a success of my career and looking really healthy and happy. Gives me that extra little push I sometimes need to get on with things.

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