Remember my thread about SIL who hates me attending my wedding? Here is what happened

[lovetoshop]

Thanks all of you who posted thoughts on recent thread. In the end, SIL attended our wedding this weekend. She stared out of the window as we took our vows and ignored me all day. I was OK until she walked past me and a friend and as I said Hi to her she stepped over my dress and blanked me. DH was extremely angry but didnt want a scene. MIL was unaware but probably because she didnt speak to us much either. Just kept staring at SIL with sad expression. Eventually as the evening went on (i wasnt drinking by the way) I became so upset I ended up crying with my maids of honour. Thankfully I managed to act as normal in front of most guests, although one of my family members witnessed me telling DH what had happened. When DH spoke to his brother about situation he merely said 'atleast she came I didnt think she would, she's just upset about Dad'. What can I say to that? Ultimately, she marred my wedding day, which makes me furious, and so sad. I want nothing to do with her again but as she lives with MIL I will see her whenever I take kids over. AIBU??????

You need to move on and face the fact that you don't have a nice SIL.

You say your SIL marred your wedding day, but the reality is you let her get to you. You're in control of your own feelings and emotions.

When you think of your wedding get your SIL out of your head. Stop wasting time on her. Look at your original post. It's all about your SIL. What about the actual wedding?

You can either continue to moan about her (which may be justifiable) or stop her getting to you. It's your choice.

I'm sad for you, but you're right it will become less significant as time goes on. My own brother blanked me at my wedding reception when I said hello (he is a gambler and was upset that I hadn't hired a roulette table for my reception - he didn't speak to me for 3 years as a result...).
My cousins managed to ruin my actual wedding day AND honeymoon (long story).

Because of all this I don't have any photos of my wedding in my house, and I hate remembering the day, the reception, and the honeymoon. These awful people marred my day and I don't understand why people behave with such a lack of civilty, but it's common.

4 years down the line and I'm now contemplating putting a photo up in the house, so you will get over it in time and it will become more and more "meh" (shrugging emoticon) as the time goes on.

It's your SIL with the problem and I'm afraid you can't do anything about it other than try to not let it affect you, difficult I know. Rise above her.

Thanks all of you (I know I let her get to me). I'm too sensitive, but I didnt think it was too much to ask simply to be civil to me on my wedding day. I saw her again yesterday and this time we blanked each other. I dont intend to let her into my thoughts again, if I can help it. Unfortunately this situation has become so 'big' in my head over the last couple of years I get really emotional about it. You're right, I did 'let' her marr my day, because I anticipated there would be problems. Already I regret it. I feel so frustrated that I have to set eyes on her when taking the kids to see MIL. I am trying to put it into perspective. Friends have siad there is a lot of jealousy in her behaviour. I have a family, I have married her brother, I have a decent life etc...She lives with her Mum, doesnt socialise and doesnt have close people in her life. I dont know how to do a link to my original thread. Sorry to those of you who asked.

none of it matters now, though, please don't over-analyse it. whenever she behaves oddly, throw your shoulders back, head up and smile. she is a fucking arsehole, it's such a disaster that you would let her take up space in your life when she is just not worth the attention in any sense.

in fact yes, that's it... ignore the bad, praise the good. parenting 101.

She stared out of the window as we took our vows

why were you looking at her while taking your vows, werent you looking at your husband?

Thanks!! I'll try! She's had too much of my attention over the last couple of years. I keep saying to myself over and over, 'I wouldnt swap places with her' which is so true. I cant help but over analyse things at the moment, I think because its so fresh. BIL said 'get over it', and atleast she came on the day! They arent particularly close but he said there was no way the day could have gone ahead withou her being there because she is part of the family despite her behaviour. I disagreed with him and now he's in a strop with me. DH says we have nothing to do with her from now on, I only see MIL when he comes too, and that now we are married theres nothing she can do to ruin things. I only hope he is right. Some friends have warned me not to let her cause trouble, saying she is manipulative and determined to split us. I'm quite shocked by this. Tbh, much as I love DH, I wish he was more verbal in telling SIL (and mIL for that matter) that we will no longer tolerate this sort of treatment.

I explained, she was sat just behind my husband as we took our vows. When my eyes ocassionally moved hers was the face I saw. I wasnt actually making a point of looking at her

Actually no.

You dont HAVE to take your kids to your mil.

Your MIL can come to you. Or your DH can take the kids to see his mum. YOU can chill, read a book, go for a walk, catch up with friends.

Leave it to your husband to keep the lines of communication and visits happening with HIS family and the kids.

Nowt to do with you.

lovetoshop... I think you're onto a loser in expecting your DH to tell his sister that you (both) won't accept her behaviour. He is already accepting it, he said nothing before the wedding and possibly, he hasn't noticed it or doesn't want to acknowledge it.

The only person you can change is YOU. Ignore your SIL; if she's decent to you, acknowledge her, if she isn't, don't give her a reaction, she's feeding on unsettling you. You've made this (understandably) into such a big thing that it's gong to take a real conscious effort on your part to change your behaviour. Protect yourself, you're an adult.

I do feel sorry for you. I don't like my SIL, I didn't want my brother to marry her, but he did and I keep my feelings to myself. We will never be close but I will never be uncivil either. I think that's the best you can hope for too - if there's a specific incident of bad behaviour, you can say your piece, but until you have something concrete, I'd keep quiet, bide your time and most importantly, forget all about her in the meantime.

You arent the first person to say that actually QuintessentialPains. I dont particularly feel welcome when I go anyway. Morally, I've always thought it was bad to not take the kids to see MIL. I am beginning to change my view on this though. I certainly dont wish to visit in the next few weeks. MIL didnt speak to us at the wedding either you see. Says it was a very difficult day because her husband (deceased 2008) wasnt there. DH's response was that he misses his father too, but its not a crime to be happy again and 3 years is more than respectful before marrying. As soon as anyone starts to argue with her about SIL's behaviour etc.. she crys and talks about DH. What can you say to a woman of 65 who has been widowed and is crying in front of you?

Why did you think that she would be civil on your wedding day?

She wants it to be all about her-& you´re letting her.

TBH I wouldn´t go to MILs house & I wouldn´t really want husband to take children there either.

I´d make MIL visit you.

Thank you LyingWitchInTheWardrobe.

I must admit, I dont like the thought of DH taking kids to MIL without me. SIL has thus far ignored their birthdays in the last year, and doesnt dare have anything to do with them when I'm there. I cant be sure its the same when I'm not there. Sounds terrible of me, because I dont believe in involving children in adult arguments and I would never use them against MIL, but, I'm so hurt and frankly, so furious with SIL, I refuse to let her see them when I'm not there.

You dont have to push your dh to visit his mum.

Just leave it. Dont feel that it is your or his obligation either. Just get on with your lives and let these toxic people stew without you. Seems you can do nothing right.

I am sure you have plenty of enjoyable things to do as a family, and dont need these misery gits to get you down. Honestly, enjoy life!

Thanks so much QuintEssentialPains!