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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my husband to spend time off with us?

41 replies

mrspear · 03/05/2011 13:15

Ok i am ready to flammed. So don't be gentle i need honesty.

Background: i am SAHM with 18 month old. I am 30 and DH 32.

Just had bank holiday weekend with four days off for DH and it left me feeling lonely and so bloody depressed with my life and marriage.

I will list the last two days - it is always like this!

So Sunday DH moans about ds waking at 6 so i end up taking us out and leave him bed. Come back at 12 30 and he has just got up. He spends 1/2 hour with me (ds asleep) and he goes out. At 5 30 ds and i are coming back from park (i did ring him and ask if he wants to come - no is the answer) and he takes us to pub as he is hungry. We come back at 7 and he leaves again - doesn't even see ds to bed. He comes back at 10 ish to watch match of the day.

Monday - ds wakes at 5 but falls asleep again until 8 (very unusual) and dh gets up with us and takes us out to breakfast then we go to the park. His friends turn up and he goes off to have coffee. Comes back and finds us in the park then walks us home. At 1 he goes out and comes back at 6 30 has dinner then leaves at 7 15 comes back god knows what time and shouts at me to tell i am selfish for wanting him to spend his time off with us and that i am lazy and that is why i want him around i e to care for ds. The thing is i can't even remember the last time he bathed ds, changed a nappy or fed him. I do nag him to play with him.

So am i wrong to want him to spend more of his time off with us?

BTW I made note of times to try to make sense of my own feelings but ended up more confused hence i am here!

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 03/05/2011 13:17

Where on earth is he going when he goes out?!

Original poster

mrspear · 03/05/2011 13:19

I have tried asking but i always get "stop controlling me"!

The argument blew up last night because i asked if there was someone else. He says not

OP posts:

waterrat · 03/05/2011 13:20

YANBU. this sounds miserable. He sounds like he has stepped out of family life and doesn't see it as enjoyable. He sounds vile, calling you lazy like that. Im sorry you are in this situation. You need to sit down and talk to him when you can both be calm - and explain what you need from the relationship. If he continues to be abusive like this, get out.

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 13:20

He is taking the piss and using the home as a base to come and go as he pleases, he is not using it as a home, and he certainly is not doing enough to warrant the word Dad or Father, let alone partner/husband.

He is acting like a single man not someone in a relationship with a child.

HalfPastWine · 03/05/2011 13:20

Well he can't blame you for thinking that if he's disappearing and showing lack of interest in you and the kids.

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 13:21

You aren't controlling him at all tell him there are two in the relationship and a child and he is acting like he is single!

CurrySpice · 03/05/2011 13:22

He's going out for hours on end, and you don't know eher he is?! That's odd imho

I don't even live with DP and I pretty much know ehere he is 24/7. Not because I'm controlling him, but because we talk about stuff. If I'm going to a meeting I call him for a chat and say "I'm off to a meeting, what you up to? What you having for lunch?" etc etc. Not as a control, just because we are interested in each other's lives

How can he leave the house and not say where he's going?!

wonka · 03/05/2011 13:22

I don't think anybody is going to flame you, do you think he realises how much time away from you he is spending? Was it like this before DS was born?
You need to talk to him

deliakate · 03/05/2011 13:23

When he comes home and "has dinner" for 45 mins, is that something you have cooked him and have ready to serve? Eff that! It sounds quite upsetting really, since he does not even tell you what he is doing - is he at the pub? Perhaps he has drinking concerns????

Original poster

mrspear · 03/05/2011 13:23

Thank you. I am trying so hard to hold it together esp in front of ds as i don't want to damage him but i am so bloody depressed. I am crying so much because it hurts so much.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 03/05/2011 13:23

Okay, he sounds horrible, but can I ask what you did Friday and Saturday? Was it the same as this?

Groovee · 03/05/2011 13:24

YANBU It sounds like he just does what he likes and thinks that buying you a meal means spending time with you. Do you go on holidays. I'd be questioning if there was someone else too if I was being treated like that.

I presume you can't speak to him without him getting all huffy about it?

Original poster

mrspear · 03/05/2011 13:25

Curryspice i could never have a conversation like that

He won't talk just shout and tell me i am sick and controlling. Must pull myself together ds woken up be back later

OP posts:

CurrySpice · 03/05/2011 13:29

Ph Mrs Pear that sounds so sad :(

You can't have a normal chat with him about his day?! That's odd and a bit suss imho :(

waterrat · 03/05/2011 13:31

It sounds abusive....sorry mrspear but it really does. I agree with curryspice, I always know where my partner is because we chat about everything in a friendly way. He is being incredibly unkind - was he always like this?

nenevomito · 03/05/2011 13:32

I'm so sorry to hear that - he's acting like a tosspot, but you don't need us to tell you that you're not BU as you know. :(

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 13:33

I dont think I would want to actually spend much time with someone who is such a selfish twat to be honest love.

Did he behave this way before your child was born or is it just the responsbility of being a father that he doesnt seem to acknowledge.

MrsCarriePooter · 03/05/2011 13:33

I'm sorry but he sounds horrible. I'm that you don't know where he is when he wanders off like that. Honestly, it's not normal.

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 13:34

He says you are sick and controlling? I think he is disgusting and you ought to consider leaving him or kicking him the fuck out.

He sounds childish and immature.

CurrySpice · 03/05/2011 13:35

He is twisting things isn't he? Making you out to be controlling / sick for asking where he is, to defelct from the fact that he is fucking off god knows where to do god knows what which is what the real problem is

When he gets in, does he say anything about what he's been doing?

CinnabarRed · 03/05/2011 13:36

mrspear - I'm so very sorry, but you're not married to your H in any meaningful way anymore. It's crunch time. Either he goes with you for relationship counselling, or you call time. I really hope it doesn't come to a split, but if it does at least you won't spend all your time worrying about where he is and when he's coming home. And I can't get over how badly he talks to you when he is physically present.

2rebecca · 03/05/2011 13:36

He sounds the controlling one, expecting you to be his servant and childminder to his children whilst he behaves like a slingle man. At the moment it sounds as though you just get money from this man and little else. He isn't your partner in any way, he doesn't support you or the kids.

I would be looking to get a separation unless he realises being married involves co-parenting your children and spending some time together, and letting your partner know where you are going (within reason).
This man should never have got married as he has no concept of marriage.
It sounds as though he is trying to push you away though.
Can you manage without him?

bb99 · 03/05/2011 13:36

my dh has (10+ years on) only just started getting his head around family life and we have just spent the nicest bank holiday ever together...a first!

it has taken him an awfully long time (and me having a c-section for dc3, plus a scary time getting dc 2 and 3) for him to grow up and realise I didn't self fertilise and that these kids are his and his responsibility too.

he is an obsessive about having time to himself, which is a stupid idea imvho, when u have kids, as you choose to bloomin well have kids...but he did get there in the end and has just managed to go from a whiney "I hate my life and don't ever get to do anything i want, you selfish, lazy woman" to "gosh, i've had a great and relaxing time with the family" in the space of the last 3 weeks. could have been motivated into this changed state of mind by my threat to finally see a solicitor as i am still young enough to start over and he is terrified of losing the house LOL but it has been a good holiday for us.

people, not just men, can be unbelievebly selfish (this is dhs problem) and i don't think yabu to want some family time together.

can you discuss how to meet both your needs within the relationship ie him needing to be selfish have a bit of head space and you needing to spend time together as a family?

a breakthrough for my family was forcing dh to have a meeting with me and eldest dc once a week, to organise outings/expectations for the following week/end and having a rigid family calander - once an activity is discussed and on the calander it's expected that people will comply etc and flippin well enjoy it - or atleast pretend to! he also has a few jollies away during the year when he visits friends and pretends he is childless again and I have previously taken the kids off for a couple of days each school holiday nso he can have some time, but that's not happening again as I am fed up of trollying 3 kids around - i have suggested he spends a night or 2 in a v.cheap local b&b next holiday if he needs the time...

MarioandLuigi · 03/05/2011 13:36

No-one is going to flame you - he sounds like a knob.

I would worry where he is going for all that time - he is treating your home like a hotel and you like his dinnermaid.

frgr · 03/05/2011 13:42

He sounds like a teenager/student from that description.

Not involved in family life at all.

You shouldn't have to remind him to play with his own children. Good fathers play with them because they're interested in them and playing with them is their idea of leisure time (at least to some extent i.e. alongside your other outside interests as human beings).

You shouldn't have a DH who thinks it's acceptable to lie in until 12.30pm on his day off and leave you to it, unless there are exceptional circumstances (working overtime, stressful week, whatever) unless you get your lie in until 12.30 too the next day.

Just what does you idea of a good father entail?
How many of those items does your DH meet, and does he meet them "barely", "acceptably" or "very well"?
Do the same to your own criteria for what a husband should do.

I'm sorry but I suspect I'm telling you stuff you already know. You are one half of the parenting unit of the household, you are not his mother or his landlord. Your "DH" appears to be using the house as his base, where his basic needs are met (I assume sex, food and a place to shower) in exchange for the most basic of giving - some cash and the odd hour or two where he thinks he's being involved in the family.

Did he never really check in to family life, or did he check out at some point in the past - maybe over time?

What was it like before DCs?

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