To want my husband to spend time off with us?

[mrspear]

Ok i am ready to flammed. So don't be gentle i need honesty.

Background: i am SAHM with 18 month old. I am 30 and DH 32.

Just had bank holiday weekend with four days off for DH and it left me feeling lonely and so bloody depressed with my life and marriage.

I will list the last two days - it is always like this!

So Sunday DH moans about ds waking at 6 so i end up taking us out and leave him bed. Come back at 12 30 and he has just got up. He spends 1/2 hour with me (ds asleep) and he goes out. At 5 30 ds and i are coming back from park (i did ring him and ask if he wants to come - no is the answer) and he takes us to pub as he is hungry. We come back at 7 and he leaves again - doesn't even see ds to bed. He comes back at 10 ish to watch match of the day.

Monday - ds wakes at 5 but falls asleep again until 8 (very unusual) and dh gets up with us and takes us out to breakfast then we go to the park. His friends turn up and he goes off to have coffee. Comes back and finds us in the park then walks us home. At 1 he goes out and comes back at 6 30 has dinner then leaves at 7 15 comes back god knows what time and shouts at me to tell i am selfish for wanting him to spend his time off with us and that i am lazy and that is why i want him around i e to care for ds. The thing is i can't even remember the last time he bathed ds, changed a nappy or fed him. I do nag him to play with him.

So am i wrong to want him to spend more of his time off with us?

BTW I made note of times to try to make sense of my own feelings but ended up more confused hence i am here!

This is not a marriage mrspear.

Your husband is a selfish bastard who has no respect for you, no time for you and his son and sounds like he cares for no one but himself. I doubt very much he is faithful.

My heart goes out to you.

You don't have to live like this.

YANBU. Sounds like he's behaving very badly. I think you need to sit down and have a very calm, honest chat. It's fair enough to want to know where he is and why he seems to not want to spend time with the two of you. Ask him and tell him the current situation is making you utterly miserable.

My DH is always out too but the difference is I know where he is (working on his bloody car, playing guitar gigs for extra cash, cycling) and he does make an effort to spend time with his it's just that he has so much on.

I know how you feel though - I often feel like a single parent as I spend so much time alone with DS. Plus maintain us financially. (No offence to those of you out there who are single parents iyswim)

sorry missed a lot bcause of my long post - sorry your dh shouts at you like that. my dh has a temper like that too and shouts when he knows he is in the wrong, plus it's how he learnt to communicate as a child - he has a very shoutey, competative, argumentative family...i do remind him that we don't have to emulate his parents vindictive marraige.

don't believe him - you are NOT the problem imo, he needs to make the adjustment to family life, something a LOT of men especially, ime, and women find difficult.

i did a lot of on-line CBT after my no.2dc was born, as this was when dh was v. v. bad at family life and not very nice to me at the time. plus i had pnd (hardly suprising considering what a nob dh was at the time). it helped me to stop feeling so depressed about my situation (which sounds similar to yours) and helped me realise it wasn't all my fault or all my responsibility to fix.

also it helped me to combat dhs shouting and verbal co-hesively, rather than just dissolving into tears and depressive hysteria. not suggesting you are the problem at all, but the cbt helped me to get strong enough and confident enough to help resolve the problem and make a rational choice about what I wanted in the future.

It's not unreasonable to want to know where your DH is when it's a holiday/weekend and don't let him make you feel it is!

lazy? really? don't think so somehow.

you both need time alone.

norma is spot on.

His behaviour is not normal. Do men really "go out" and not tell their wives where they are going?? Surely basic courtesy and manners would prompt you to say "DW, I'm just going to meet so-and-so at the pub for a quick drink, back in an hour, is that alright?".

Where is he going? Holidays and weekends are for families not pissing off and doing your own thing. I know he denied having an affair but......

You were havign similar problems in Sept...

(sorry, I searched for your name to see if you've complained about it before, to get an idea of how serious it might be, whether it's a new thing or a recent thing)

you put
"I am very lonely. I just want friends sad I think i am socially inept; even DH goes back out after dinner and doesn't come till late"

:(

Tryharder - it's a basic respect anyone would give to another if they have any sort of vested interest in one another's well being. E.g. telling a flatmate if there's anything he needs picking up from the post office, telling a boss you're off to lunch now, whatver. It's a basic level of respect, and I agree with your assertion that it definitely isn't normal for a husband to behave like this to his wife.

In fact when I read the OP the first image that came into my head was of that sketch show where the teenager is called Kevin... you know, "you are not my slave"... can't remember what it was called but it was by the guys who did the Fast Show I think.

THAT is what the OP's DH appears to act like. Unreasonable, childish, not really integrated into family life - and then screams and shouts when anyone calls him on it.

That's not how grown men, good fathers or "dear" husbands act.

I know i have complained before about this and it is still getting no where. I know in my heart that i am being a door mat at best but i am so scared. I have no where to go and no way of supporting ds. But i need to pull myself together for his sake. it is just so bloody hard.

Mrspear, your husband is being a tosser, and that is from a mans pov

Something is wrong - why doesn't he want to spend at least some quality time with you / DC? You need to find out. He is either still a 12 year old who has never realised that having children involves a father's input, or something else is going on.

If he doesn't explain kick him in the nuts (or take away his toys)

Hope things work out

"i need to pull myself together for his sake"

Without wanting to nit pick, the problem isn't with YOU. It really really isn't.

You need to get your DH to pull himself together for the sake of yourself and the marriage, but most of all for your DC.

You need to get together a plan for resolving what's at the bottom of why he seems to be totally uninvested in the family structure (and why he's still acting as if he's a teenager, going out after tea - that's something even my youngest brother, a bit of a wild horse, realised he would have to tone down now that his wife is PG - as would any mature man worthy of raising children properly - that's just what life with kids is like - if he didn't want that then he shouldn't have had them with you - never understand why people don't consider the massive lifestyle changes children bring with them). Whether that's counselling or not I don't know. But rest assured the problem, from what you've posted here, does not appear to be with you.

Does he take you for granted because you don't work? It certainly shouldn't be the case. My father was always very busy FOR HIS FAMILY's sake and we appreciated it a lot. I also always know where my husband is. Go for marriage counselling. He's got A LOT to learn!

This is such a sad thread, your dh sounds like a throwback from the fifties when men went off down the pub and women stayed at home 'knowing their place'. Even your reference to him 'taking you out' for breakfast etc is depressing because it implies that he controls the money and sees this as a treat when actually spending time with him is a RIGHT.

You are not being controlling and this is his way of twisting the situation. I hope you get the advice you need on here - if you need support there is an amazing amount to be found on MN. Good luck.

wow thank you everyone.

Last night was not much better, he rang at 7ish and said he had finish work and was on way home but did not come in till 11ish (guessing here as i was in bed!) and when i got up this morning the table / kitchen was a mess.

I am going to suggest marriage counselling tonight. I can't live like this.

YANBU and good luck with the counselling.

How are things now, OP?