Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To feel annoyed with my friend for telling me how great our mutual friend looks after giving birth?

37 replies

capricorn76 · 03/05/2011 12:21

I know I'm probably being unreasonable but I can't help but feel a bit upset.

I just got off the phone to a very close friend of mine who told me she visited our mutual friend over the holidays to see her new baby. She then went into detail about how great the friend looked, how she just pinged back to her normal slim figure, how you would never have known she had just given birth etc etc.

I wouldn't normally be annoyed but my friend knows how down I've been about my own weight. I put on a lot while I was pregnant (I had dd 17 weeks ago) and although I'm now going to the gym, eating better and steadily losing the extra pounds I'm still unhappy with how I look. She know's all of this. The mutual friend is also 7 years younger than me never eats past 6.30pm and has been having botox since she was 25 so she was never going to look bad after pregnancy anyway so what was the point in telling me this? I heard more about how our friend looked than about the baby.

AIBU to be annoyed with my friend for feeling the need to tell me how great our other friend looks when she knows I feel shitty with the way I look?

OP posts:

Aworryingtrend · 03/05/2011 12:25

I think YABabitU. Your friend probably just didn't think, she was just remarking on your mutual friend- it was not intended as a dig at you. Congratulations on going to the gym and eating healthily, you are doing the right things to lose weight and doing it steadily means theres more chance it will stay off.

worraliberty · 03/05/2011 12:26

YABU really because although she was a tad insensitive, there's always people in the world who look better than we do.

Just concentrate on getting yourself to a weight/look that you are happy with yourself if it bothers you.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 03/05/2011 12:26

Hate to say it, but YABU. She is telling you how your friend is getting on. Would you like her to lie, or miss out the bit about how she is actually getting on?

ThatllDoPig · 03/05/2011 12:27

Interesting. is the friend who was going on about this comfortable with her own body?? Sounds like it is a massive deal for her. Her prob not yours. YANBU

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 12:29

I agree with the others - many "insensitive" things are really nothing to do with wanting to upset other people. ThatllDo may have a point as well - maybe it says more about your friend's obsession with looks and weight than it does about you.

gingercat12 · 03/05/2011 12:32

YANBU.

At first my family kept telling me how they all got back in shape right after birth. Now that DS is 3, they say I look much better than I used to. Because in the past only my bottom half was fat, and now I filled out in the upper half as well, so I look evenly fat. MY DH is ROFL when I speak to my Mom and Godmom.

FetchezLaVache · 03/05/2011 12:32

I think YANBU, it's shitty when you're feeling down about yourself, the other person knows this, and you feel like you're having your nose rubbed in it! Well done on going about losing the weight sensibly though, you'll end up looking better than your mutual friend because you'll be toned and healthy as well as slim, and she'll just be slim and strangely expressionless.

wolfhound · 03/05/2011 12:34

I remember a good friend telling me all about a mutual friend's wedding and how it was 'the most lovely civil ceremony' she'd ever attended. So, lovelier than mine & DH's a few months before? Don't think she realised, so didn't draw her attention to it. Foot in mouth syndrome is a common problem, we all do it.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 12:36

yes, we do all do it.

BrandyAlexander · 03/05/2011 12:37

17 weeks post birth is a very short time. I wouldnt worry so much about your friend and I would concentrate on what you're doing. Am afraid YABU to be upset.

lesley33 · 03/05/2011 12:50

YABU TBH if I went about making sure that I never never said anything that just might upset someone, I think I would never speak again! Your friend isn't saying anything negative about you. She is commenting purely on your mutual friend.

TheBolter · 03/05/2011 12:54

YANBU, she sounds insensitive and crass, and just possibly one of those people who gets off a bit on putting others down.

There would have been nothing wrong with mentioning how good she looked, but to go on and on about it as if that was all that matters, knowing full well that it's something you feel shit about is a bit pants TBH.

TheBolter · 03/05/2011 12:55

Lesley she wasn't making direct comments at the op but don't you think she was being a little passive-aggressive?

Like I said,nothing wrong in mentioning it (if she really HAD to!) but to rub her face in it sounds rude and inconsiderate to me!

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 03/05/2011 12:57

Oh people are bitchy to make themselves feel better! My "best mate" felt the need to tell me when we were on a night out that her DH had just told her "You're looking stunning...the best looking woman in the room!"

She wasn't.

TheBolter · 03/05/2011 12:57

Oh well white bum, at least it wasn't YOUR dh that told her that!

worraliberty · 03/05/2011 12:58

Well maybe she was genuinely surprised at how she 'pinged back' and how good she looked?

Also, if the OP is feeling bad about herself, maybe she just thinks the friend went 'on and on' about it when infact she might not have.

ReindeerBollocks · 03/05/2011 13:03

YABU, as this conversation wasn't about you, it was about the friend.

If the pair of you were talking about your weight/figure after pregnancy, and the mutual friend was brought in as a comparison, then yes, you would be right to be annoyed. But your friend was merely telling you that your mutual friend looks good. That is not a criticism of you.

You are doing well, and your friends may have talked about how great you look at the moment too.

Congratulations on your baby too.

ReindeerBollocks · 03/05/2011 13:05

Whitebum - maybe your friend was happy at the compliment her husband gave her, rather than bitching against you? Depends on whether she has form though (and only you know what she's really like).

OTTMummA · 03/05/2011 13:06

"My "best mate" felt the need to tell me when we were on a night out that her DH had just told her "You're looking stunning...the best looking woman in the room!"

She wasn't." - LMAO

YABU and YANBU, she was only making a comment, i don't think she properly thought it through.
She should of realised that it was a sensitive subject for you and could of been a bit more subtle etc, but you also need to get thicker skin.
It's not like she was pointing out your flaws, she was just being nice about another friend.
And well done on the whole HE and Gym thing, you will feel better the more you do it

Serenitysutton · 03/05/2011 13:11

I think its hard to tell because potentially she could be a bitch who was making a big deal out of it to make you feel bad (it does happen) if thats the case, just be content in the knowledge shes very sad and inadequete as a person.

However, it could also be that you're trying to make this situation about you when shes genuinely just amazed at how great the woman looks. Theres nothing wrong with people saying that, and the fact you think it was easy for her doesn't really matter.

A good friend of ine likes to be very thin and so lost all her baby weight when she had finsihed 6 months BF. She restricted her diet and occasionally fasted. Thats not for everyone but it doesn't mean she still doesn't look fantastic.

Its like people who say "yes they may have a new car but it was on credit card" who cares? they've still got the car, how they decided to do it is neither here nor there, even if it does make you feel beter to think they did it in a way that you wouldn't like to.

daimbardiva · 03/05/2011 13:17

I can see where you're coming from, but try not to let it get to you. She probably wasn't trying to upset you, but just didn't think before she spoke.

You've said yourself that the woman in question really puts a lot of effort into her looks - she may look good, but be stressed out of her box over what it took to get there, and has been concentrating on that rather than making the most of her time with her new baby. There's always another side to these things.

VajazzHands · 03/05/2011 13:17

What's wrong with repeating that your husband thinks you are the best looking woman in the room? You bloody hope he would think that

dreamingbohemian · 03/05/2011 13:19

Does your friend have kids? Maybe if she hasn't gone through the whole post-partum weight thing herself, she doesn't realise how it can really get you down (even if you have told her).

And 17 weeks is still early on! Don't feel bad because some women ping back right away, for most women it does take months and months. Slow and steady...

TheBolter · 03/05/2011 13:25

Any consolation OP, I lost all my post birth weight ridiculously quickly after dd1 but was also hideously depressed and look back at that time with horror!

CurrySpice · 03/05/2011 13:48

While I think YABU a bit, I can also understand why it would upset you

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread