Please help. I am aware this may end up in 'Classics' but going to risk it.

[bananasinpjamas]

I have terrible trapped wind at the moment. Stomach making awful noises, when i burp it feels more like a hiccup and BLOODY HURTS. Stomach vv. bloated and I can feel the bubbles. I have an important day tomorrow so need a good nights sleep.

I have tried (dont have any meds, dont drive):

• Boiling water with bicarb

• sticking a*se in the air head near floor

• walking about

• step ups

• standing up

• sitting up straight

• lieing on left side with head raised

• lying down with legs /\\

• hot bath

ALL TO NO AVAIL. DOESNT WORK. DON'T HAVE PEPPERMINT TEA IN. PLEASE PEOPLE, HELP ME!

LMAO this is hilarious, not for the OP obviously

I always feel the need when Im with a crowd and there is absolute silence

Surely someone is going to say it??

This is a set up - OP is trying too hard to get a thread in Classics. By stating herself that she is aiming for "aware" that this may end up in Classics is frankly bizarre?!?

Not for real!

And now she has buggered off....... with bells on.

Go some place where it would be completely inappropriate to fart and it's sure to happen when there's a long silence.

Well she had an important day today - wonder if that was the appropriate moment to release the wind.

C'mon OP we need an update. Are you with or without wind? .

silence is guaranteed to make me need to, erm, release trapped wind. (im a ladeeee doncha know) it never sodding happens when its noisy. there is never any cover when i need it most!

go somewhere where there are plenty of people but is very quiet....library was a good suggestion!

This reminds me of after I'd just DS. Couldn't stop the wind! Must have been the loose pelvic floor

Ok. I'm back: turns out to be suspected food poisoning, never did get to fart but out of desperation after nearly 24 hours due to extreme pain and vomiting brown sludge the grand total of 9 times (made me feel a little better) went to the doctors, and have since let out numerous burps. Feeling much better than i did but now feeling constipated. I honestly cannot win.

Can't believe I've read this whole thread, and there was no fart! I'm sorry you were/are feeling icky bananas, but I love this thread!

bananas - :( that sounds pretty bloody awful. I hope you are feeling better soon x

I am in awe of some of the positions some of you lot can still get into!!

Nobody is too old and fat for yoga. You just need the right teacher :)
(It's JM.)

Is a bird? Is it a plane? Please bananas...make contact!

Hey! COMPUTER didn't update! Sorry, bananas...you poor thing...now for constipation? Anyone?

Sip brandy from the bottle, works for me

I realise the danger of internet diagnosis but couldn't let this pass in good conscience. If you are bloated, burping and vomiting brown foul smelling sludge, are in severe pain and have passed NOTHING (gas or solid) down below please go to A&E to be properly assessed.

I second that... you might have an intestinal obstruction, can be Dx'd by x-ray, but that means nothing goes down and everything north of the obstruction goes back up. If you're still feeling rough, please do go get checked.

Yeah agree with above - my first thought when read update was constipation, vomiting brown sludge which could be poo, feeling obstucted = not good

Sorry its this bad, it was a very funny thread.

Jeez, it sounds bad, hope you are ok and get yourself sorted out.

Bananas are you all right? Am thinking about you.

I'm twitching every time DH farts (and that's a lot).