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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How much do your DPs drink when they're with the DCs?

28 replies

seachange · 03/05/2011 01:14

H and I took our three DCs (age 5 and under) out for tea to the local Wspoons, He had three pints. I got pissed off and told him I thought that was too much when we had the kids too, but then bit my tongue and tried not to make a bit deal out of it and have a row in the restaurant. Haven't brought it up since.

AIBU? Does that sound like a lot to you?

(Was composing this post in the pub helped me keep my temper!)

OP posts:

HalfPastWine · 03/05/2011 01:19

If you're not drinking then it shouldn't really be a problem?

Perhaps in future it is better to nominate who (if anyone) is drinking and who is alcohol free and in sole charge for the evening.

HalfPastWine · 03/05/2011 01:20

Unless he gets pretty pissed after 3 pints in which case it's not fair for the kids to see him in that condition.

Original poster

seachange · 03/05/2011 01:25

TBH it hasn't come up before, we don't take them to the pub that often! Is that what people normally do then? I'm not a big drinker anyway (had 1/2 glass wine), I was just a bit surprised that, considering we didn't have a drinker/non-drinker arrangement, he thought that was an ok amount to consume.

Arghh, sound completely holier-than-thou! Am not, honest, got totally pissed at a wedding yesterday. It was just the kids aspect that was bothering me.

OP posts:

Niecie · 03/05/2011 01:25

I don't know about this one. I thought looking at your title that he was alone with the DC and that wouldn't have been on at all.

If you were with him though, it is a different matter and it would depend on a number of things.

Did he appear drunk? Some people can hold 3 pints better than others.
If he didn't appear drunk, did it affect his behaviour in other way?
Had he intended to drive home? Of course after 3 pints he couldn't but did you plan the evening based on him driving?
Is this a regular thing - can he go out without having 3 pints.

To be fair, it sounds like a lot to me but I don't drink at all and DH would not have more than a pint if out with the children for tea but a lot depends on how it affects your DH as I say. Presumably if you are pissed off it was affecting him or was it just that he thought it was OK to keep drinking after the 1st pint without regard to who he was with?

Original poster

seachange · 03/05/2011 01:34

Hmm, good questions. He wasn't drunk, he drinks quite a lot (every day) so I don't think 3 pints would affect him as it would me (I would be on the floor!). He definitely wouldn't consider going without a drink. We don't have a car and walked home, so driving isn't the issue, but I remember thinking in the pub if you've drunk too much to drive, you've drunk too much to look after the kids. But then of course I was there.

I think it's his thoughtlessness that was pissing me off. Either a) that he didn't think 3 pints was very much or b) he just assumed I would take over with the DCs.

OP posts:

EttiKetti · 03/05/2011 01:34

If 3 pints doesn't get him drunk, and you were not drinking then, YABU.

Normally one of us drinks, the other drives, DH normally has 1-2 pints, but we are rarely anywhere long enough for my DH to consume 3 pints when we have the children anyway :o

Original poster

seachange · 03/05/2011 01:38

I know, it was fairly hellish towards the end!

OK, well I'm glad I didn't make a big deal out of it. I think maybe I secretly think that he drinks too much anyway, which is why this episode grated.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Niecie · 03/05/2011 01:47

Well in that case, drunk or not, YANBU if he just assumed that you would look after the children. That doesn't seem fair. On the other hand if you didn't say anything before hand there is probably no point having a row about it after the event - he will just say that he thought it was OK. Next time you go out though, you will know to discuss it before hand if you don't like how much he drinks. Are you worried he wouldn't take any notice if you had voiced concerns? It does sound like it could become an issue if you think he drinks too much generally.

Original poster

seachange · 03/05/2011 02:02

I was thinking how I would broach the subject with him next time. I'm pretty sure he would think I was BU and nonsensical to think 3 pints would impair him in any way :( Any previous conversations about alcohol (and there haven't been many, don't want to nag) have not gone well.

OP posts:

BertieBasset · 03/05/2011 07:51

What do you think his reaction would be if you said that next time you would be having a drink and he could remain sober? If he would be stroppy and then drink anyway that would really annoy me. If he thought that was fair enough and would be happy to take responsibility for the dc's then yabu, probably.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 07:56

3 pints with a meal is not a lot at all for most blokes, nor would it render them incapable of being in charge of his children. If you were at a bbq at home would you object to him having a drink?

MmeLindt · 03/05/2011 08:01

I would be more worried that you say that he drinks "a lot" daily, and that he would not consider not having a drink.

And that you are obviously not happy about it.

You should be able to talk this over with him, without feeling you are a nag.

How much does he drink on a normal day?

Bogeyface · 03/05/2011 08:05

3 pints on an isolated occasion wouldnt bother me. I am sure that if it were a wedding or a party when the children were there he would have that and it wouldnt be a bother.

However, the fact that he drinks every night would bother me as my ex did this and while he didnt get steaming, he definitely wouldnt (couldnt) go a night without a drink. On the odd occasion he couldnt drink he didnt like it at all. When I was due to give birth I said he needed to stay sober incase I needed driving to the hopsital and he managed 2 night before he was so snappy and stroppy and was making excuses why he could have a drink and even rang his dad to get him to agree to pick us up for hospital if anything happened. It was only 4 pints which isnt alot really I suppose but it was 4 pints he couldnt do without. It did contribute to our break up in a big way. I think he did/does have alcohol dependency but he says that if he isnt getting off his face every night then he isnt an alcoholic and therefore it isnt a problem.

I think rather than focussing on this incident, you should ask him about his drinking over all and whether he would agree to stop drinking in the week for a while and see how that goes. His answer will probably be quite telling.

Original poster

seachange · 03/05/2011 09:02

Bertie, if I asked him that I think he would be fine to not drink too much, but wouldn't be happy not drinking at all. I've never known him have a soft drink in the pub. I spent 6 years solid either pregnant or bf so it never came up really! He has never driven on more than one drink, but cycles all the time having consumed way over the limit.

squeakytoy, thanks, that's what I was wondering. He certainly didn't seem drunk and as you say we were eating. Think it's the bigger picture thing that is bothering me really. Re: BBQ at home, I don't think I would notice, and if he didn't seem drunk then I wouldn't think about it.

MmeLindt, I have no idea. Regularly at lunchtimes with colleagues/clients. Every night at home, beer if there is any and wine - we get through a few bottles a week (I have a glass or two most evenings too). Every weekend, when watching footie and in the evenings.

Bogey, sorry to hear your story :( whenever I have brought it up H has been v defensive/dismissive. I might try and approach him in a super nonchalant way and see what happens. Maybe I could keep a better record of it and present him with how much over the week he is actually getting through (although that would prob blow my nonchalant cover!)

We've been having ishoos anyway, and talking lots about our marriage. I've noticed a huge difference in the way he is after he's been drinking, lots more hostile and impatient, dismissive, unable to take in what I'm saying. If I say exactly the same thing in the morning, he's much more patient, reasonable and understanding.

thank you morning crowd :)

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 03/05/2011 09:14

The defensive/dismissive thing is very familiar. It was always MY problem when I bought up DHs drinking, not his. I was over reacting or making a problem where there wasnt one. I did once bring up how much he drank over the course of a week and he said it was my fault because me going on at him made him drink

Bullshit obviously, but he needed to justify it somehow, and I wonder who he is blaming now!

chicletteeth · 03/05/2011 09:18

If you were with him and sober, why does it matter?
Unless of course he's a tit when drunk, or aggressive or behaves in a way which might scare the kids; all of which give you the right to be concerned.

However, if he's the same guy but just three pints under, who cares?!

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 03/05/2011 09:20

My DH had 4 bottles of beer at a kids party the other day which I thught was too many...he holds it v well though and doesn't tend to get sloshed.

Dont thin beer has any place at a kids party mind! 3 pints is not too bad if he seemed ok....it's not regular is it.

Crawling · 03/05/2011 09:21

Well it sounds to me like he drinks far too much, but then me and DP only drink for special occassions we dont drink in the house I have 4 bottles of wine in the cupboard that have been there since xmas. Dp would have one or two drinks while out for a meal but sometimes he doesnt have any.

I would be okay with 3 drinks at a meal but I would not be happy with him drinking 3 pints every day for one thing that must cost a lot.

GooGooMuck · 03/05/2011 09:22

when I challenged my DH about his drinking, he started hiding it :(

I found a bottle behind the washing machine :( I went ballistic and he knows I won't put up with it.

I don't keep drink in the house now. If we want any, we have to go and buy it specially, as otherwise he'll drink it because it is there.

I do get pissed off if I go out he'll think nothing of having a whole bottle of wine, which I think is wrong in care of DCs. He doesn't seem drunk though

BertieBasset · 03/05/2011 09:28

See that would worry me, that he wouldn't be happy not drinking at all. I think that may be either because he does have a dependancy of some sort on alcohol, or that he thinks it is his right to relax with a beer whenever he wants and sees you as the nag who is trying to stop his fun. Which isn't the case of course.

So I would say either an alcohol problem or a selfishness problem. Or both.

Niecie · 03/05/2011 09:28

Maybe ask him if he has any idea of how much he is drinking. He may not realise it is getting out of hand. Then if he doesn't know, keep a record of how much he has had and challenge him to see if he can go without, assuming he is over the recommended number of units per week. It sounds like he might be but you really can't complain if he isn't - he isn't going to listen to you. If he can't go without a few nights a week he might well have a problem and you will need to have a serious conversation then.

Being over the limit on a bike is still illegal isn't it? He is still a road user and liable to cause accidents if under the influence. I don't think they could give him penalty points or anything like that but they can give him other penalties like a fine.

GooGooMuck · 03/05/2011 09:31

It worries me but I don't think that there is much point in arguing over it for arguments sake. It has to become a specific problem before you have a firm basis to start an argument and upset things.

Otherwise then you are just nagging :(

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 09:34

Gosh, over the bank holiday I have had 2 large glasses of wine 3 days out of 4! We were with the children at these times. I may have felt a bit tipsy but definitely not drunk and capable of sorting out ds. Wondering now if I shouldn't have?! I wouldn't have minded dh having 3 pints, as long as not driving obviously.. The money would bother me though if it is quite frequent.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 09:38

I think three pints is quite a lot in a short space of time but that's just from a volume perspective. How do people slosh about with that much liquid in their stomachs?

LadyInTheRadiat0r · 03/05/2011 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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