To wonder should I change my life? If not could I regret it forever?

[slipperandpjsmum]

Or if I do change everything will I regret that forever?

I have a decent career. Very stressful, long hours but with good promotion structure and because its a large organisation with a high staff turnover plenty of opportunites. My commute is around 3 hours a day which I do find very tiring. Alot of my work is crisis driven and therefore I am not able to guarantee a flexibility in my hours.

I have just had almost two weeks off for Easter. I was chatting with my dd asking how her ballet classes were going (I have never taken her) and she said ok but she wished I could take her rather than her Gran. I replied oh but she loves to take you and watch to which she said I know but I really wish it was you Mummy I miss you so much that I feel like my heart will burst. Its making me cry to even type it.

I love my job but what am I doing making my dd feel like that.

I have considered childminding in the past as I know lots of Mums do and I keep thinking if I did then I could be there for my dc (have 4). Or is this an unrealistic pipedream.

Am I going to look back and for Gods sake what was I thinking!!

However, having worked full time it would be a dramatic lifestyle change but maybe it could be the best thing that I have ever done.

I feel very confused and lost and I would really value hearing about other people experiences. Has anyone else felt like this and done something about it?

I'm having a similar crisis. Can't afford not to work but just had nearly three weeks off over Easter just doing the Mummy thing and really struggling with the thought of going back to work tomorrow. Have already done two hours this evening going through work e-mails in preparation and feel miserable.

I'm lucky though that I work from home most days so avoid the commute and I compress my hours to do full time over four days (plus a few hours in the evenings occasionally to compensate for school runs eating into my early starts). But still finding it hard. I'm the only Mum who never picks up from school (I rely on after school clubs and my mother) and feel like I'm failing them somehow.

I've been going through all sorts of ideas in my head as to what I could do instead but there are just no miracle answers. So, sorry, not really helpful but know how you feel. Will be watching this with interest in case anyone has any ideas....

OP, I hear you! Had a few days off recently and was able to walk ds to school- at end of it he said 'this has been the best week of my life' Why? 'Because you came to school with me and you were there at the end of the day and I loved it'
Still feel strange to think of it.
If you have the choice and can afford it, maybe do change.
I don't so if you don't either, my advice is to just really be there in the time you do have with them- that's what I try to do.

I packed in my really job for more time with my kids and I wouldn't changed a thing, don't get me wrong, I miss grown ups and really conversations but time with kids is great, I go to afyer school activities I help out in class ... Lovely.

Real conversations!!

Hi Slippers,

I didnt want to let your post go unnoticed. I felt very sad for you reading the comment your daughter made. I know it couldnt have been easy for you.
I dont know about your circumstances so am not really in a position to comment much. Do you have a partner?

Well, it is a fact that once they have grown up you never get the time back. However, I dont know what your financial situation is so perhaps your job is needed to keep your head above water.

I was going to suggest going part-time but what use is it if you still have to commute 3 hours a day....Can you work from home some of the time? Maybe that is something worthwhile exploring with your employer.
If money is not really relevant, can you find something closer to home which allows you to continue working in your field, perhaps part-time, so that once the kids have grown up you dont have to re-start all over again?

Ultimately it boils down to what you want out of life and what you see as your sense of being.

I would regret not being in my child's life more if I worked really long hours. I try and look at all my decisions in a 'death bed' way. I know I will never lay there thinking I wish I worked more. I don't have a job I love though. If you have a choice about how much you work (rather than having to work long hours to support your family) then I think there needs to be more balance.

Everyone is different and my reply only goes for me - it is not a judgement on anyone else's choice.

Can you do anything to shorten the commute? Even move to a smaller house? Commuting time is entirely dead time, no use to work or kids. So if you want more time with the kids, that might be somewhere to start?

If it is a large organisation, are there clear policies on flexible working? If you wanted to leave work in time to do a school pickup one day a week, or work from home one day a week, would that be possible?

:( feels sad for the kiddies

Oh wook your ds comment was very moving to, its horrible isn't it.

But its interesting that people comment about being around all the time and taken for granted.

I do love my job. I have worked really hard to get where I am but if its making my children unhappy it make me wonder what I am doing.

I would need to earn money which is why I considered childminding. But its such a massive change it feel scary.

I couldn't do the job closer to home. I do work from home but as I mentioned the work is crisis led and there have been many times I have arranged to pick them up from school then had to cancel when an emergency came up, which I find stressful and have stopped saying I will pick them up now just in case. There are no part time jobs across our teams. I certainly take your point schnullerbacke about keeping my toe in the water for when the children grow up as it would be difficult to get back into things after a long break.

I feel the guilt is crushing me.

I've done both - the FT WOHM thing with oldest DCs, then PT, then threw in the towel completely when DC4 arrived. And I love it - I love being able to pick the younger ones up all the time, I love that I can help at school a lot, that I know what's going on, that I'm a part of their lives in a way I couldn't manage to be with the older ones.

So I sympathise - a lot. You're between a rock and a hard place. Could you just take the decision that you will actively look for PT work, or FT work closer to home? Don't rush in to a decision - and always remember that for all the downsides, you're setting your DCs a hell of a good example.

Ha ha no PonceyMcPonce although that job title sounds thrilling!!

I am a child protection social worker, therefore my job although it includes a flexible working policy if there is an emergency relating to a child we must respond straight away and work until the situation is resolved.

Hi- i have also been in your position- I was working 50+ hours a week in very well paid job, but hated leaving my dd in childcare for 10 hours a day!

I have now given up that job, and became a foster carer. I really enjoyed doing this full time to begin with but became a bit restless being a full time mum after a couple of months. So as my foster son is in secondary school I went back to work for 24 hours a week.It has worked out perfectly!

Don't be afraid to take a chance on something new- I was in tears leaving my old job but it was the best thing i ever did!

OP - are your skills transferable? Could you work part time?

We all just do the best we can...

I've stepped out of the corporate world (high salary, lots of benefits, long commute, long hours, on a good day just getting home in time for bedtime story, nights away) and now work for a small company 4 days a week. I miss many of the big company benefits and we have had to change the way we live (I'm principal earner) but I get to see my children in the morning (briefly) and am home for tea twice a week. I always do school drop off and pick up once a week. I "parent help" at school one Friday a month (very happy DD!) and focus on DS2 on the other Fridays. DH and I agreed to change our lifestyle for the benefit of our family although it isn't always easy and I do sometimes miss my old lifestyle...

I have also negotiated 8 weeks holiday and often take these as single days to do "mum" things. I know some of my colleagues think I am wasting my holidays (why don't you go away for a few days etc...) but I just do drop off and pick up, make tea, make cakes, do homework etc and it seems to be enough to keep DCs going (granted only have 2). Could you negotate some extra holiday or even take some regular unpaid parental leave?

It does seem as though our lives are one long juggling act but don't beat yourself up!

I used to be a social worker too, but didn't go back after having my dc. And am still a SAHM. But am fortunate in that my dh has a good job but unfortunately he works abroad alot and has long hours which makes it difficult for me to find work that would fit in with his job. Now the children are getting older, I would like to think about returning to work but my dh's work patterns make it difficult.
I am glad that I have been at home for my kids though.

One of the mum's at school who was also a social worker has recently changed career so she is now doing carework with the elderly through an agency and she says it is very flexible and less stressful.

I find working PT the best of both worlds - some adult conversation and using my skills on the days that I work (plus keeping my hand in for the future when I'll probably increase my hours) and time for my DSs on the days I don't work. However I know I'm really fortunate - not everyone's job suits PT work (and particularly not working only 2 days a week) plus I have a good salary and so there's money left after the childcare is paid for.

Do look into your options to see if there's something that could suit you and your DC better, however a friend of mine considered childminding and decided that it just wasn't viable for her (at the moment) due to the amount of training, paperwork and initial costs it would require.

Hope that you find something that works well for you and your family!

It's a shame about the commuting. Are there any authorities closer to you where you could apply to? Or could you apply to a long term team where it's less important that you are full time? I do 2.5 days in care management, and although I do sometimes have to work late, it's very rare.

Oh, just had a thought. Depending on how you are with children with a disability, you could consider becoming an independent personal assistant. Locally it's paid £10.87 per hour gross. If you were prepared to have a child stay with you overnight it would really help out a family in need.

OP I hear you and I have a 4 hour commute. I have been lucky enough to have the Easter hols off and my children who are very young are the same.

However, last year when the weather wasn't so good, they were not so happy about me being home. Obviously, not being a childminder meant that I didn't really plan the hols, like my childminder who does this in advance.

So, having chatted to loads of mates about this; I would say that lovely times were had over the Easter Hols by pretty much everyone as you could just walk out of your front door and literally be in August. Let's go to the park with a picnic 'Yes', they cried and were in heaven.

If it had been rainy for two weeks, I bet you would feel differently.

Seriously, think very, very carefully about giving up work - in the current economic climate it will be very difficult to get back into employment.

Ten years ago I used to say the same - I want to be around for my DS, not palm him off to childcare, be there for school activities etc etc. Now the reality is different - DS really doesn't want me around at school - I am on the PTA, help with reading etc but he begs me not to be seen near his class ; he always wants to go on 'day camps etc' during holiday time rather than being with 'boring old mum' - returning to my previous profession would be almost impossible - I am now in my early 50s and virtually invisible in the job market.

As MrsCrafty says - its lovely when the sun is shining and you've had a nice picnic and day out with your DCs - but its not always a bed of roses .

www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/nov/01/gaby-hinsliff-quits-working-motherhood

you might find this article interesting op.