To be uneasy about the terms of my father's will

[rainbowskittle]

I would really appreciative some perspective on this. I'm not looking for moral or ethical comments - I don't want to go into the situation too much, but please believe me when i say that my relationship with my father is very close and loving, and talking about this aspect of things feels wrong to me. However, I would just like to get some other views.

My father is twenty years older than his partner. They have never married and never lived together, but have been a couple for nearly thirty years. She and I do not have a close relationship - we don't have a bad relationship, just not a close one. My father is physically ill, and also in early stages of alzheimer's.

He has always told me that he has made provision for his partner in his will, I don't know the details. I am absolutely fine with this, I think its right and proper etc. She has been a big part of his life, and after all, its his money to dispose with as he will. However, here's where I get uneasy. She sadly has recently been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I don't know exactly what this means in terms of her longevity, but I don't imagine it can be good.

I am envisioning a scenario where dad goes and she inherits her fair share. However, if she then follows shortly after, I am imagining her share of my dad's inheritance will be left to her sons. This is what makes me uneasy. They have a similar relationship with my dad as I have with their mum - ie, distant. I have only met them a handful of times in the last thirty years. I don't know what they think of my Dad. I don't feel comfortable knowing that my dad's hard earned money will go to these people who he barely knows. My Dad worked hard all his life (in fact he got home office dispensation to work until he was 75) and it doesn't seem right that his efforts should reward people he doesn't know well.

I'm not trying to make some claim that what they might get should be mine. I'm not uneasy about this because I might miss out. I'm uneasy about the fairness/rigthtness of it.

So, would anyone else feel the same way as me? If so, should I try and say anything to Dad? If you don't feel the same way, can you explain your perspective?

Thanks and sorry for length.

At the end of the day does it matter if they inherit sooner rather than later? It would be the same senario if she was going to live another 20 years, so I would leave well alone.

You never know, she may go before your Dad!

His will is none of your business I'm afraid

Once the money's hers, it's hers to with as she pleases; your dad's will would have no control over it.

He could perhaps, instead of bequeathing her the money, put it into a trust, which she would have a life interest in. Upon her death, the trust could be divided between you and your siblings, if that's what your dad would want.

Ooh, this is a tricky one, isn't it? I think perhaps you should say something to your Dad. If you have a good relationship he should be sympathetic to your concerns - though obviously it will be difficult discussing the inevitable consequences of his partner's illness.

I have two children, my partner one. In our will, when one of us dies, the other one inherits everything; when the second one dies, the money is divided equally between all three children. Is this a possibility? It does mean her sons get more than you - but at least you won't be left with nothing. It also means that all their children are treated equally, which can be considered fair if you work on the assumption that your Dad and his partner own their assets jointly, as they would if they were married.

Otherwise, talk to a solicitor, who will be able to suggest a compromise.

My grandparents were in exactly the same scenario, but to solve the problem my grandfather set up a trust with all his assets - his widow (3rd wife) was the "life tenant" of the trust and had the right to reside in the matrimonial home until she died, even though it was my grandfather's house long before she came along.

After she died, the house was sold and the assets were divided equally between his children. Her children had no claim on the assets in the trust or the proceeds of the house (although my grandfather did decide to leave them each a small cash legacy, but that gave them no rights to the rest of his assets).

You need a lawyer to set this sort of thing up so it's only really worth it if the estate is significant at the time of death, particularly if it is larger than the IHT nil-rate band of £325k. You could use the IHT issue as a way to broach the subject - perhaps roll it into the general discussion of things like living wills, power of attorney etc. (I have recently had this conversation with my own parents so it's on my mind as well!)

I don't think you should bring this up with your dad. It sounds like he has made a considered judgement to leave his partner something and he would have been aware that when he did that it would become part of her estate. He presumably has done this at a time before he started developing Alzheimers. Whether she lives for 1 year or 20 years after him is irrelevant - it then becomes hers to dispose of as she wishes. For all you know she may choose to leave the bequest from your dad to you or to a charity that they both support - it may not even go to her sons.

I would discuss with your father instead what he wants to happen when he becomes too ill to manage his own affairs. Have you discussed that? Maybe you can bring up a discussion about what happens regarding his partner - does he want her to manage his affairs or does he want you to. Does he want her to make decisions regarding where he lives or you? I think these are more important things to sort out before he becomes too ill to let you know his wishes.

If she receives her share of your father's will and then passes away, her offspring will inherit.

It does seem unfair, but that's probate law for you.

I would leave matters as they stand - mentioning it may upset your dad and cause bad feeling. That would be worse than any money issues.

Sorry you're in such a knotty situation :(

It's not so much your dad's will you are worried about but his partners, isn't it
But it's up to them not you to say where the money goes

Im really sure that your father is aware of where his money will go once he leaves it to her. Your father is not stupid he knows it will go to her sons, as it should.

She may live five years and be able to spend the money left to her, it really is none of your business where it goes.

You would be better placed to talk to your father about it rather than post on here.

The father does not live with his partner so they have no property together.

Thanks for replies so far. Chunky, I know its none of my business. I'm just wondering if Dad is able to process what will happen in the event of her dying soon after him in the light of his illness and alzheimer's. I think his will has been made for some time, certainly before the partner became ill herself. I truly don't mind what he does with his assets, but I don't think he can have ever imagined a scenario where she might go soon after him (her being 20 years younger) and her sons therefore inheriting. I also do have children of my own, and wonder if I should say something on their behalf.

Its really not about me getting more, its about his hard-earned share ending up where he would have wanted it to.

Then talk to him about it.

First of all, sorry to hear about your father's illness.

Do you actually know the terms of the wills? If they've been to see a solicitor/will writer to have them drawn up then you may well be worrying unnecessarily - the kind of situation you describe (parteners getting together when they both already have assets and grown up children) is really very common and wills can be prepared to reflect this. Like someone else said, they generally have provision so the surviving partner isn't left penniless/homeless but then assets are divided along 'family lines' (for want of a better expression) when the surviving partner dies. By 'provision' he might mean something like this...

If you know for certain that your father's will just leaves everything to his partner and then she has total ownership of the assets, then it's up to you as to if you want to try to either get him to change his will or line a solicitor up to help you once he and his partner are dead.

Her sons may have the same worry though - if she dies first and leaves her money to your Dad, and then your Dad dies, you get all of 'their' inheritance. Works both ways.

i agree with fabby. your father is fully aware that his partner will leave leave her money to her children he has made the decision to leave his money to her and allow her to also leave it to her children. this is where he wants his money to go. end of.

It won't be your dad's hard earned money that she passes on in her will it will be her money - to do with as she pleases. He is not giving it to her to look after for him.

No else one is even entitled to a say in his decision.

Oh God, this is the bit where you'll all think I'm dodgy because it looks like drip feeding. I didn't want to say too much initially in case anyone recognised me, but i want to explain a bit more.

Before his partner became ill, they lived separately. We had discussed what would happen in event of Dad becoming ill - she wanted him to move in with her, he wasn't happy with this and wanted them to both sell up and buy somewhere together. She didn't want this. Before any decisions could be reached dad became physically ill before christmas and went to stay at hers (as we live 300 miles away). She then discovered she had cancer and decided she couldn't cope with my Dad and didn't want him with her.

Dad is now here with us, away from where he has lived for the last 50 years, missing his friends and of course missing her. He keeps thinking they will end up back together (not able to think too clearly due to Alzheimer's), whereas she a) doesn't want that b) she probably couldn't cope with that anyway. I am only child and want him to stay with us where I can look after him properly. We have spoken about things like powers of attorney (she and I have shared one) and also what he wants when he becomes too ill too express his needs (spoke about this years ago as he was very organised, and also has a living will).

Can't remember why I went into all of ^ that now, sorry! Anyway, I'm just interested in what you guys say, and if general consensus is "mind my own business", then so be it.

Bing, I guess her sons may think that, but without meaning to sound crass, they would do much better than I would.

Booey, what about my children? And when he made his will it would have been reasonable to suppose that his partner would outlive him by quite some time, thereby having time to benefit from the inheritance herself, rather than having it go straight to her children.

Talk to him about it, say to him now that circumstances have changed does he want to change his will to reflect those circumstances.

He might also want a DNR on his will so that any decision is taken out of your hands.

I think that you are definitely entitled to ask whether your father went to see a solicitor about his will. If he did, then I would expect any decent solicitor to have outlined the options available especially those which would allow property to revert to you on the death of his partner.

Surely your father hads left something to you as your mother would want him to ?
I would be very cross if DH left all my hard work to the sons of somebody he later married rather than our children and in fact I am going to make this part of my will.

If this isn't the case I would mention it to your father, why wouldn't you don't be so British about it !

To be blunt, if he has early stage Alzeimers and she has inoperable cancer then even with the age gap it is entirely possible he will outlive her. How awful for them as a couple to be facing such horrible diagnoses. I can honestly understand why you are unsettled about it all but as best as you can put it out of your mind and make the most of the time with your father, that is something that money can't buy after all.

It really is a huge change of circumtances, in that your Dad is now with you. Why don't you discuss it with him openly - I know it would never be an easy conversation, but you need to do it whilst he is hopefully well enough to think through what he really wants to do.

Is he supporting her at all now?

OP I think it's your business. Situations like this have featured in wills since they've existed (bit more than a 1000 years in this country). It's even a classic reason for making a will, rather than just letting inheritance fall according to custom. That both your father and his partner are ill just makes it more urgent to talk about it.