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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be uneasy about the terms of my father's will

47 replies

rainbowskittle · 02/05/2011 17:56

I would really appreciative some perspective on this. I'm not looking for moral or ethical comments - I don't want to go into the situation too much, but please believe me when i say that my relationship with my father is very close and loving, and talking about this aspect of things feels wrong to me. However, I would just like to get some other views.

My father is twenty years older than his partner. They have never married and never lived together, but have been a couple for nearly thirty years. She and I do not have a close relationship - we don't have a bad relationship, just not a close one. My father is physically ill, and also in early stages of alzheimer's.

He has always told me that he has made provision for his partner in his will, I don't know the details. I am absolutely fine with this, I think its right and proper etc. She has been a big part of his life, and after all, its his money to dispose with as he will. However, here's where I get uneasy. She sadly has recently been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I don't know exactly what this means in terms of her longevity, but I don't imagine it can be good.

I am envisioning a scenario where dad goes and she inherits her fair share. However, if she then follows shortly after, I am imagining her share of my dad's inheritance will be left to her sons. This is what makes me uneasy. They have a similar relationship with my dad as I have with their mum - ie, distant. I have only met them a handful of times in the last thirty years. I don't know what they think of my Dad. I don't feel comfortable knowing that my dad's hard earned money will go to these people who he barely knows. My Dad worked hard all his life (in fact he got home office dispensation to work until he was 75) and it doesn't seem right that his efforts should reward people he doesn't know well.

I'm not trying to make some claim that what they might get should be mine. I'm not uneasy about this because I might miss out. I'm uneasy about the fairness/rigthtness of it.

So, would anyone else feel the same way as me? If so, should I try and say anything to Dad? If you don't feel the same way, can you explain your perspective?

Thanks and sorry for length.

OP posts:

Prunnhilda · 02/05/2011 18:47

Sympathies: I'm in a similar sort of situation with my mum, except that I'm one of the children who'll most likely inherit an unfair amount of money that her husband has worked hard for whilst she has fannied around selling home made bags at craft fairs three times a year.
I have no relationship with her husband and I don't know my stepsisters. I sincerely hope he's got his will straight there - it's only fair.

It is something you need to talk about soon, isn't it? Is she just basically off the scene, then? What do you think she sees happening with their relationship?

lettinggo · 02/05/2011 18:49

I understand where you're coming from and can see why you feel a bit uncomfortable about things. However, the good news is that he has his home, she has hers and there in no "their" home, so at least that part is clear cut. You don't know what sort of financial legacy he has provided for her in his will? It may not be as substantial as you think? And even if it is, presumably, his house will come to you? It sounds like you have a good relationship with your dad so there's no reason to think he won't be fair to you in the will. If he's made this will in the whole of his mental health, I don't see that there's a lot you can or should do. If they are his wishes, then that's that. It's tough though and I can totally understand why you feel the way you do.

My sister's DH is in a similar, but tougher IMO, position. His mother died and his dad married again. His new wife (who BIL gets on well with) sold her house and moved in with dad. Fast forward 20 years and dad died, leaving no will. House was in joint names so became hers. Father's pension lump sum went 2/3 to her, 1/3 to BIL but he gave his share to her. She is very nice but a bit thick. She thinks of BIL as a son, and has always treated him as such, but has made no will to leave the house to him. She thinks that because she sees BIL as her son, then everything will automatically go to him (he's an only child, she had no children). He told her that's not what would happen and that it would go to her estranged sister but she just won't believe it. He's too nice to say it again to her, so is my sister.

I'm not trying to take over your thread, just to illustrate that I can totally see where you're coming from. It's not that you're greedy, it's just about feeling that things are fair.

BalloonSlayer · 02/05/2011 18:51

Sorry to make you more worried but if she dies before him, won't the money go straight to her sons anyway?

Maybe that could be your opening to talk, "Dad, what'll happen if to the money you are leaving X if she dies before you?"

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 18:57

You say he has "made provision" for her in his will. Without knowing the details, that could be a lot, or very little.

Who is the executor of the will?

Are you his only next of kin?

It doesnt matter if she lives another twenty years, or twenty days though, it will not make any difference to you. You will have got your share, and she will have got hers, to do with as she wishes.

If she were to die before your father, it is possible she has left her assets to your father, in which case, the situation would be reversed and you would be likely to benefit from her death after your father dies.

If you have very close relationship with your father, then you have every right to discuss his will with him and ask him what is going to happen in the future, ie regarding property etc.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 18:59

Sorry to make you more worried but if she dies before him, won't the money go straight to her sons anyway?

That would only happen if the will specifies that in the event of her being dead, his money would pass on to her sons. It could be in the will that in the event of her dying first, all assets go to the Op.

It would be well worth finding out the actual details of the will, and who the executor of it is.

BeehiveBaby · 02/05/2011 19:01

Surely by 'provision', he means he has left her some and you some, as he sees fit?

BeehiveBaby · 02/05/2011 19:02

x-posted

Original poster

rainbowskittle · 02/05/2011 19:50

Thanks everyone for views. I will talk to him, its the only way I think. Lots of you are right in saying I don't know what the terms of the will are anyway. I will "gird my lions" (favourite saying of the day) and pick a time. I will find it hard as I love him enormously but there you go.

OP posts:

Original poster

rainbowskittle · 02/05/2011 19:50

[cblush] Loins not lions obviously

OP posts:

Highlander · 02/05/2011 20:02

get power of attorney. Now.

chunkythighs · 02/05/2011 20:11

I do see where you are coming from, and I can see that the circumstances have changed, however as the others have said that 'provision' could be just about anything.
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and have no idea how you would even broach the subject with him...

ohmyfucksy · 02/05/2011 20:17

He may have left her a life interest in a house or something, so that when she dies it goes to you. This is what both my parents have done for their new partners and me and my siblings (and the partners' children). It basically means we all eventually inherit straight from our biological parents. Seems fair. I will be writing my will to ensure that if I die before my husband, he has to leave my share of our money to our children, not a new wife/partner.

Ask him about it. People get so funny about money, but I don't see the point. My parents explained their wills to me as soon as I was an adult, and they have updated me with any changes. I am also executor to both of them.

Hulababy · 02/05/2011 20:26

If he made a will with a solicitor, rather than a DIY will, they will have covered all these scanarios and what ifs and he should have been able to make his choices and decisions based on those and have had them written carefully into his will.

Another thing to point out is that if he has Alzheimers and is already becoming confused it may be that he wouln't be deemed capableof altering his will at this point. It would depend on his level of mental capacity at this time.

Anther thing to consider if you are caring for him - have you sorted out finannces and you being abl to sign at his bank. etc for him. Yo need to do this sooner rather than later.

howdoyoueatyours · 02/05/2011 20:40

I would feel uncomfortable having this conversation with either of my parents.
Assuming that your dad was well when he made the will - he will have thought/been made aware of what would happen if his partner died shortly after him. He will either have made provision for assets to be passed to you/your children in that case or not. I don't think that discussing it now - while he's ill - is the right thing to do. And I would feel quite intrusive asking my parents the terms of their will.

darleneoconnor · 02/05/2011 20:41

Does she have a will?

If she has inoperable cancer than I'm sorry but I dont see her outliving your Dad.

breatheslowly · 02/05/2011 21:02

I know that this is very uncertain, but it is possible for the beneficiaries of wills to vary them after death to give some of their inheritance to someone else. If I unjustifiably benefitted from the kind of situation you are describing, I hope I would have the decency to ask for a variation in the will to return the assets to the "rightful" recipient.

howdoyoueatyours · 02/05/2011 21:40

I certainly wouldn't redistribute money I had inherited and I wouldn't expect anyone to do so on my behalf. Providing a person is of sound mind when their will is made, is under no pressure and is aware of the implications then there is no 'rightful' recipient of anyones assets other than who the benefactor decides to leave them to.

breatheslowly · 02/05/2011 21:55

In this context - where the potential order of deaths changes the outcome significantly and the OP's father is not able to take in the whole situation - I think it might be perfectly reasonable for the partner's children to "return" any inheritance to the OP that came from her father via his partner. After all the OP's father's intention was to provide for his partner, not for the partner's children. And if the reverse were to happen then I am sure that the OP would want not want to inherit her father's partner's assets.

foreverondiet · 02/05/2011 23:46

I think you should sit down with your dad and his solicitor. It might be that this is already taken care off - eg perhaps his house is being left to her for life, but to you on her death? eg My grandma told my dad she's left her flat to her daughter not him & my dad thought it unfair that her son would get it on his mother's death but when she died it turned out the flat was left to my aunt for life only.

And he might outlive her anyway. Act quickly though as the alzheimers progresses he'll be hard to reason with and it will be too late to do anything about it.

howdoyoueatyours · 03/05/2011 00:11

But the OPs father was of sound mind when he made the will. He will have considered/been advised that his partners children are likely to inherit anything he leaves her and also the possibility that she could die shortly after him. If he hadn't considered those things and if he is still of sound enough mind to change his will he can do so now this situation has come up IF he chooses to and of his own volition. Why on earth does the OP have to get involved at all? And if he is too ill and confused to understand the possible implications of including his partner in his will then any changes to his will would not be legal anyway so bringing it up would be pointless.
It may well be that what he leaves his partner will pass to the OP on her death or that he has left the majority to the OP. Who knows? But that is his business. imo.
I can't see anything to be gained by having a conversation about it which could possibly lead to a lot of embarrassment and ill feeling.

lililolo · 03/05/2011 08:25

I haven't got time to read the whole thread, so I might repeat what others have said.

I don't think you should say anything. They have been together for 30 years and it might well be that your father thinks it is right that she has money to leave her children, just as he has money to leave you. I'm a SAHM at the moment, and my husband always says that although his name is on the wage packet, we both earn the salary. He wouldn't be able to work nearly as hard or efficiently if I wasn't dealing with a lot of the home stuff. Maybe your father feels the same?

TyIsAnob · 03/05/2011 08:29

She may use the money to make her last few days more comfortable, this I imagine would be what your father wants.

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