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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

weddings

53 replies

Polly05 · 02/05/2011 11:32

Hi just wanted your thoughts please.
I've been married to my second husband for 5 years, we both have children from our first marriages, 3 out of 4 of whom are 18 + but live at home/uni.
We have been invited to a close family wedding, but only my husbands children, not mine. The reasons being given are either, no children are invited or no one who the bride and groom don't know well is invited. My son isn't into weddings so wouldn't be bothered but my 15 year old daughter would be and very much thought she would be invited and so will be disappointed. I work very hard to treat all 4 children equally and to be a united family so a division like this is unhelpful.We've explained this to those concerned but without success. For various reasons my husband and his children will go but I no longer feel welcome and don't want to go but would want to wish the bride and groom well. I would welcome another persons take on the situation. thanks

OP posts:

roses2 · 02/05/2011 18:42

Why doesn't your husband back you up and you all decline to go to make a point?

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2011 18:54

I know weddings cause great hoo-haas sometimes, but in this case it could be avoided.
Why good manners have to go out of the window just because it's 'their' day I will never understand.
A no-children rule is okay. A limited-number rule is okay.
Inviting some of one family and not the rest is not okay. It's a deliberate snub, rude and unkind.
(And sorry, that applies to the poster who invited one step and not the other. If you know it's going to hurt, don't do it)

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2011 18:54

And I agree with roses2. Your husband shouldn't go either.

Sassybeast · 02/05/2011 19:00

With Nannyogg on this one - I'm all for no kids/all the kids rules if it suits the couple who are getting married. But 'some' kids from the same family is pretty off. can you show your DH this thread ? I think it's up to him to step up on your daughters behalf.

xstitch · 02/05/2011 20:44

I agree with a lot of posters here while I understand having to cut numbers you either invite just the parents or the parents and all the children. It is incredibly rude to invite the parents and half the children, particularly when they live in the same household. The line of who will be invited should never be drawn through a household IMHO.

thefirstmrsrochester · 02/05/2011 21:02

they are being very very rude and insensitive - i sincerely hope that you and your DH decline - you are a family & if children are invited to the wedding then its all or nothing IMO.
And dont worry about creating bad feeling - the happy couple have clearly created bad feeling all by themselves.
Im livid on your behalf.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 02/05/2011 21:09

YANBU to boycott the wedding.

The same thing happened to me. My dh and I and his dd age 12 were invited to his friends' wedding. My 2 dd age 9 and 10 were not invited.

Dh went to the wedding with dsd. I didn't go to the wedding as I conveniently 'couldn't find a babysitter'!

Chipsycheese · 02/05/2011 22:12

I started a weddings thead and I was browsing Mumsnet and there are LOADS of them. Weddings = stessful times
I can see why people run off to beaches abroad and do it just the two of them . . .
I know with ours we have to pay for it ourselves and we don't have anymuch cash and as bad as it sounds maybe they are trying to 'cut people off the list' to save money - assuming they are like us and they are in the same situation, if they are well off or rich then sorry! - just an example for my aunty and uncle to be able to come to the wedding meal no one is able to get desert due to the cost and thats just with a few people at not-posh-in-any-way food place.
Maybe I am wrong but its just an idea?

exoticfruits · 02/05/2011 22:21

YANBU -you either have just the parents or you have the whole family. Once you have step children they need to be treated the same by all relations. I would agree with BettyTurnip.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2011 22:26

Chipsycheese - no problem with money issues.
Just don't invite 'any' of the children.
Problem solved and no offence.

(Does anyone else not understand having one child as bridesmaid or pageboy and then not inviting their siblings???)

xstitch · 02/05/2011 22:27

If that is the case then chipsy you don't invite any of the children from the family, fairer that way

pickyourbrain · 02/05/2011 22:30

I'm a fan of child free weddings but not of inviting half the children in one family and not the other. CAn't you decline the invite for the children altogether and just go the two of you?

nailak · 02/05/2011 22:35

why is your husband and your dds dbs going? they shoul dbe outraed too!

Karbea · 02/05/2011 22:36

After going through issues similar to this for my wedding on Saturday I would call the bride and talk to her, according to my mum family members have talked about my decisions but no one has spoken to me, I could have accommodated etc if people had just spoken to us. I'm sure the bride doesn't mean to be horrible, just call her x x

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 02/05/2011 22:39

I would be very cross with DH for putting up with this snidey behaviour.

chelstonmum · 02/05/2011 23:17

Oh your poor children (an dI mean all four of them!)
No kids want to feel seperated, they have spent 5yrs being a family as much as you and your husband, you come as a package and the hosts should appreciate that.
Are your adult children invited with a +1 or as individuals? If they have +1's then the hosts are simply being beyond rude! Do the hosts have a relationship with the mother of your step children? Or are they just blooming odd?

exoticfruits · 03/05/2011 07:47

I think thatit really up to your DH to say quite firmly that he is the father of four DCs and can't they count!

evilgdil · 03/05/2011 08:00

your hubby will be annoyed if you put him in the situation by not going? sod that i would be fucking fuming if my husband went in that situation.

exoticfruits · 03/05/2011 08:25

If I was DH I would be fuming that my DCs were being treated differently, and some were not as equal as others.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 10:05

Sorry OP, I can see that this is upsetting but for whatever reason, the rules of the invitation are really clear. Step children aren't always considered in the same way as other children. Blended families are getting more common now but the bride/groom are obviously aware of your family and have drawn the line to exclude children they don't know. They don't know yours.

It would be bad form to go back and query it because that would put them under pressure to change for your daughter - and then where does it stop?

If you decline as a couple, will that cause bad feelings and ongoing problems? If so, possibly not worth it. Can you put it behind you sufficiently well enough to attend with a good grace, leaving your daughter and son at home?

If you really feel that strongly about it, perhaps ask your husband to attend, with his children, on his own, and do something else with yours on the day.

exoticfruits · 03/05/2011 11:11

Step children aren't always considered in the same way as other children

I don't think I would have married my DH if his family we going to have my DS as second class citizen in our family. Luckily they have always treated them the same-but if they hadn't -I would have expected DH to make it quite clear to them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 11:17

exoticfruits... Perhaps it isn't as overt as spelling it out exactly, but even between some parents, the step-children aren't quite on the same level, even if it appears so. Within an extended family, how would you even know until something like this happens?

Either way, this is blanket restriction that happens to cut through OP's family. Doesn't mean that it was meant to only affect OP's family but it is unfortunate. It is what it is though and OP has to decide what she will do.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/05/2011 11:35

I disagree with the majority here. The b & g only want over 18's and children that they know well. Your step children are over 18 and are blood related to the bride or groom and therefore presumably know them well.

Your children are under 18 and not well known by either the bride or groom. Meeting someone a few times doesn't mean you know them well.

I can see why you are hurt, but from the b & g position, if they invite your children, then other guests will expect to have theirs invited too. They maybe have friends whose DC are not invited and who will kick off if yours go but theirs are excluded. Weddings are a minefield.

The important thing is that you and your DH treat your children the same. I don't think that you can reasonably expect for the extended family to feel the same way about your children as you and DH.

Sorry, that's coming over as a bit harsh, and I don't mean to, but I do think that you are maybe reading an insult into this where none was intended.

pickyourbrain · 04/05/2011 08:05

Is that right about the ages? So it could just beb because of the ages rather than the blood relation of the kids?

MintyMoo · 04/05/2011 09:34

Polly - I saw that the reception is hosted at your SILs home? So are the B+G relatives of your DH?

If so they shouldn't be excluding his other two children. My Brother married a lady recently who has two DD's from her 1st marriage. If my brother had biological children with her I wouldn't invite them to my wedding and not my SILs DDs - they're my DN's just the same as my other brother's biological children are my DN's.

That's the way it should be. When it comes to close relatives bans on children of a certain age can be lifted, for example some people say no children unless close family. I'd be upset in your situation too.

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