DH says 'I'm too reasonable, and I can't be supermum'?

[jallsort80]

BACKGROUND: Met DH 3 1/2 years ago. He has 2 DS' 4 & 8. He and Dex-W split when she was PG with their DS2.
I have 1DS aged 9. We both have newborn IT 3 weeks (they are also boys!)

DH and I lived in a 3 bed (it was mine) and had the double, DS had the smaller room (still double size) and DSS' had the other double with bunks. They used to come Sat am until Sun pm as per divorce agreement and CSA payments. They would stay extra as well and are lovely boys.

Roll on last year I discover I'm PG then we find out its twins.

We bought a bigger property (4 bed) with a loft conversion that wasn't a room (something to do with planning?) which we got plans for and is now mine and DH bedroom. Its ensuite with dressing room as DH says I need some female space.

That leaves the 4 bedrooms on the first floor. One is a large double with ensuite, 2 good sized doubles, and a single. (not box but fairly small) DS has the double/ensuite and DSS have another room each.

ATM twins are in with us (have a cotside on bed and they both fit as tiny and I'm EBF).

DSS' now stay with us Friday after school until they are taken to school Monday morning. DS and DSS attend the same primary. They have things at ours so don't need to bring anything and uniform is washed to start Monday.
Also DSS' come during school holidays for a few days/ sometimes a week if longer holidays - and want to more now they have new brothers.

Now heres the bit DH and I can't agree on. We plan to move the twins to their own room at 6 months. They will share. The 2 oldest boys have offered to share but DH thinks my DS should have his own room as he lives here permantly. I say his DSS' have the same rights.

So my suggestions are: DS and DSS1 have large ensuite, twins one double and DSS2 the other (smaller) double. The small room becomes childrens den with tv/ consoles.

DH thinks the twins should share a double, his DSS' a double and DS has the double/ensuite largest room to himself.

DS' agree with me and DSS2 thinks the fact he gets his own room is great . The fact DS and DSS1 are similar age means they like lego etc and DSS1 does get frustrated sharing with his brother (4) as they don't really play with the same toys. (have their own rooms at their mums)

DH thinks I'm just trying to be supermum - that I'm trying to please everybody and is worried my DS will feel resentful in the future that he didn't get his own space in his resident house and hid DSB did.

I know DH is concerned about how much DSS2 gets away with at his mums - he thinks he's spoilt and DSS1 gets a rough ride and thinks maybe its because him and Dex-W split whilst she was PG with him. I think he is worried DSS2 will thinks he's more important because he doesn't have too share and stop annoying his brother.

AIBU - or does my arrangement seem OK?

Sorry that was long

Sorry this is way to complicated for me to get my head around. Can you summarise it?

Have you asked the boys what they want? You are being lovely and trying to balance everyone's needs but might it be possible you are making it harder than it needs to be? :) congratulations on your twins

I think if the children are happy and in agreement with your idea then your DH should accept it. Your DS will have his room to himself all week and will probably look forward to having fun with his stepbrother at weekends, especially as they get on so well.

The only problem could be if your DS feels it is more "his" room because he has more time in it, and your DSS doesn't feel it's his room too. But you can always see how it goes and if it doesn't work out you can have a reshuffle!

So DS and DSS1 will share the main bedroom (with ensuite). DSS2 will have a smaller double to himself and the DT's will have a larger double.

If DS and DSS1 are happy to share then it sounds fine to me. I think your DH is over thinking this and is worrying about what might happen too much. You can always tell the DC that things can be changed at a later date if necessary.

There are four bedrooms and five kids. Can't one of the DSS have the single? Maybe with an extra specially cool cabin bed in it to make up for it being a bit smaller than his brothers'? It might work now with DSS1 and DS1 sharing but as they get a bit older won't they want their own space? Your DS1 could end up resenting DSS1 for invading his space each weekend.

To summerise:

DS and DSS1 to share large double with en suite.
DSS2 to have smallest double to self.
DtDS' to have middle double (at 6 months)

Yes DS and DSS1 want to share. I think their ages are the biggest factor here. DS and DSS1 are 8 and 9. DSS2 is 4. DtDS are 3 weeks.

DH and I don't argue, we discuss (although I'm ssssssssoooooo sleep deprived that may change ).

Basically he's concerned that DS will resent him if he's treated less favourably than his DS' (he isn't but DH feels his own room in his own house is a given). DH loves his boys but his way of thinking is they have their own rooms 4 days a week so it won't hurt them to share. And my way of sorting this means DSS2 has his own room 7 days, DSS1 4 days and my DS never.

DS however wants to share with his Sbrother. They are the same year at school and 'best mates' for now

If everyone is happy with your idea, and DS and DSS1 have offered to share, then I would go with that. However, I would avoid thinking of it as too permanent an arrangement- if it doesn't work out for any reason, you can re-think. And as your DS is 9 you may find that he is less happy to share in a few years time.

And yes I agree we could do it my way and make it clear to all the boys if they are ever unhappy with the situation it can be discussed and changed.

Yes its an option to put 1 child in the smaller bedroom. It was going to become new babies room but that went to pot when we had twins.

If DS and DSS1 are keen to share, why don't you give DSS1 the single to keep his stuff in, then he has a bed in DS1's room so he can have a sleepover there every weekend. I think it's important they have their own space, and will be even more so in a few years time so I think you should plan for that as much as possible (i.e. when one of them wants to stop sharing before the other does).

BTW With the DTSs - make sure their room is big enough to hold two full size singles (much more space needed than one double) as you will need this by the time they are four. [speaks from bitter experience]

schmee good point. Maybe the twins should have the double ensuite. Seriously the large double is actually bigger than the ensuite double. Room for twin beds, 2 wardrobes etc.

Your son wants to share at weekends etc with his step brother who is near him in age so I think your husband should let that happen and everyone is happy. They can all be told that it is perfectly changeable later as circumstances change.

yes look at what twins might need later too. of course we don't nkow if the step sons when they are 10 or 12 might choose to move totally in with you all or whatever, just have to be flexible and it sounds like everyone is being very good about considering others.

I would go with your plan but DSS2 would go in the single room and use the small double for the playroom

How about the twins having the ensuite double (easier for you when changing/bathing etc if it's attached to the bedroom) youngest child having small room with a cool cabin bed (can get ones with slides on which a 4 year old will love) and the older two boys get the medium sized rooms the twins will be ok to share for ages and by the time the become teenagers and want their own rooms the older boys will have gone to uni/moved out

And it doesn't have to stay this way, Start off the way you've described and see how it goes, furniture is movable tell them, there could be many permutations in the future the dts may not want to share!

I think that whatever bedroom arrangement you decide on for now, it should be made abundantly clear to all the children that it is not set in stone and may change in future, and that any child who gets his own room now may have to share at some point in the future.

How about making it a yearly renegotiation, at the beginning of each new school year?

I think with bedrooms you have to go with what works for the family. It sounds like the kids are happy with your suggestion so I would go with that.

My Ds and DSS share and sometimes they love it and sometimes they hate it, but ultimately needs must and when they are hating it, they just have to suck it up, like I did as a child sharing with 2 sisters!

All of ours have their own room MOST of the time and only share when we have all the kids together and 90% of the time it works well. 10% of the time, we deal with the issues! LOL!

Seriously go with what works and as others have said, make it clear things can and will change if necessary.

Whatever is decided make it clear to all that its a trial for 6 months & might change. Then sit down & discuss what worked?

I would maximise the communal playspace so that they can all play together in a neutral room & then as the twins grow older & need more room swap things around accordingly

You sound like a super mum/step mum to me.
Speaking from personal experience...twins spend SO much enforced time together, they may want to have separate rooms eventually. I used to dream of my own personal space!

And...please don't dress them in the same clothes. Looks cute, but they need their own identities.
Bitter? Moi?

I agree that your son who lives with you permanently should have his own room. Sorry but it is understandable he would have more belongings than the others and later on will have friends over after school and need a place to stay.

You only have the step children at the weekends out of holiday time and they should share.

If the boys are currently happy to share then they should. And obviously that can change in the future if necessary.

But the boys (those old enough to vote) are all happy with your suggestion, OP, so why is DH determined to fight it ? (although if it were me I might go with DSS2 in single room and double as den/playroom)

I agree that you could/should put in place a yearly family conference to decide on room allocations for the next year - maybe in the summer holidays?

I am not sure I envy you your football team of small boys, but it sounds like you are doing a great job.

Thanks for all the replies.

Sorry I disappeared - twins woke up for food and then DH took all the DS' out to local mayday fair and I feel asleep for 2 whole hours. until he came back with screaming hungry babies!

I have talked to DH and shown him this thread. He has suggested that he makes the small room and other doubles into 3 rooms of more equal size. It is do-able (we have the plans of the house and he is in that business!) and he can knock through from the bathroom with access from all 3 rooms so all boys share an ensuite. The twins then get the ensuite which can later (3/4 yrs time) be divided into 2 rooms both with access to the ensuite. (thanks joane for that suggestion yes it would make changing/bathing easier when they are so young) We also have a double garage attached to the house so DH will look into planning permission to extend over that so maybe the twins can have seperate rooms as oppossed to a divided room. That will not be happening for more years yet.

With regards to toys etc, most of them are downstairs as we have a basement playroom so the only things in their rooms are clothes/ beds etc. The older boys take their lego upstairs as DSS2 tends to take it apart. There is a TV/ xbox in the playroom which can stay there and DH is talking about making one corner into a study type thing with bean bags etc.

All the boys love this idea (although DS and DSS1 atm are still thinking it would be nice to share), I can suck up more building work for a few more months as I know eventually we will have a perfect family home.

separated I have no intention of dressing the youngest DS' identically. ATM DT1 wears blue and DT2 red. They are so identitcal its scary. Eventually when I can tell them apart easier I shall buy clothes and maybe they'll share a wardrobe for a bit but wear different? Thankyou for your input its handy to hear the experiences of people - and I want my babies to be people in their own right.

Its DS and DSS1 that want to dress identically It's quite cute really

You do sound super nice. Hope it all works well.