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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to 'suggest' that my brother changes his wedding plans?

40 replies

Chulita · 02/05/2011 09:29

I'm one of 5, older sister and brother are married, both younger brothers have recently got engaged. C got engaged about 4 months ago and announced his date a couple of weeks ago, D got engaged about 3 days after C announced the day and then said that he was planning on getting married 2 weeks before C.
D has always felt a bit in the shadows of his two older brothers, he's been going out with his fiancee for longer than DH and I have been together (and longer than C and his fiancee).
I just feel that it's very unfair on C and his lady in that the build-up will be far more for the 1st wedding than theirs and their day will have lost some of the special-ness in that we'll have all just got together for a big wedding 2 weeks previously. Cost-wise as well it'll cost us around £400-£450 for hotels/travel/food/present and then have to double that for the next wedding making an expensive month.
D has to fit wedding in during school holidays whereas C doesn't but C's already booked the venue.
AIBU to tell suggest D has a rethink? He's been with his fiancee for about 7 years, what's another couple of months?

OP posts:

fizzyelderflower · 02/05/2011 09:31

I don't think it's any of your business tbh.

Georgimama · 02/05/2011 09:32

I think you should butt out. Normal families don't have to pace the "specialness", whatever that may be.

hairylights · 02/05/2011 09:33

Yabu. You should mind your own business.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 02/05/2011 09:33

My cousins, two brothers got married 2/3 weeks apart wasn't a problem.

rainbowinthesky · 02/05/2011 09:33

I'd tell you to mind your own.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 02/05/2011 09:34

Just check they aren't planning on missing his brothers wedding due to honeymoon!

2rebecca · 02/05/2011 09:36

I'd leave it. If anyone should have a word with D it should be C. If both their dates are months away then it's less relevent.
Your parents could have a word with them if so inclined, especially if C and D expect them to fork out financially for 2 weddings in a fortnight.

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/05/2011 09:37

See, I'm going to disagree with the others. If you have a close family I think you could mention it to your DB. He may not have thought of this.

I have three DBs. One got married two years after us. One went out with his GF for a long time and then got engaged, long build-up to wedding, to save, etc. Third DB got engaged, but particularly got married in the year after DB2 to ensure there was no "overlap". Imo that was right of him. I asked him if he would have liked to have got married earlier and he would have, but he wanted DB to have his moment. It will take away from the later wedding.

mouseanon · 02/05/2011 09:38

Keep out of it. We ended up with a date very close to my brother's wedding because of being limited to school holidays (because of close family who are teachers), and the availability of the venue. I made sure it was after theirs not before but other than that we'd have had to put it off until the next year at which point we'd have been clashing with BIL's wedding and so would have had to put it off again... It's a nightmare trying to organise dates in a way that wouldn't upset anyone and I was very painfully aware that it was less than ideal.

ZZZenAgain · 02/05/2011 09:38

I think it is a consideration that may not have occured to couple C. You have to know your brother and whether he would take offence if you brought it up. What do your parents think?

Georgimama · 02/05/2011 09:40

See this is the mindset I don't understand - letting someone have their "moment". The same mindset that leads to threads on MN where OPs are getting pissy because their SIL has got pregnant just after them.

I wouldn't expect my brothers to order their lives around my milestones and I'd tell them to take a jump if they expected me to. Fortunately whilst close we are aware that we have our own lives to lead.

Zooo · 02/05/2011 09:40

I think if the brother actually feels like he'll be overshaddowed he'll just change his plans anyway.

I also don't think it's fair that people mention how much it will cost them to go to their weddings - that really will put a damper on it for them.

Original poster

Chulita · 02/05/2011 09:45

We're a very close family and we all get on very well. C and D have been best of friends since they were little so there's no question of D missing the wedding unless something happens to stop them getting back from the honeymoon. My parents feel like D is rushing it because he feels under pressure now that C is making concrete(ish) plans. I'm going to chat to C and see how he feels, of the two he's far more worried about upsetting D whereas D will walk all over C and not think twice about it.
Trust me zooo, D knowing how much it'd cost wouldn't put a dampner on it at all!

OP posts:

blackeyedsusan · 02/05/2011 09:46

is'nt it traditionally the brides family that choose the date? there are 3families to suit when arranging the 2 weddings. the other families may not be able to change the dates. you are at risk of upsetting your sils.

if one of d couple is a teacher, they have chosen the best date to get last minute rest and preparation for the wedding, honeymoon and any teacher preparation for the new term.

2rebecca · 02/05/2011 09:48

If couple C were planning their wedding late next August then if couple D wanted their wedding in school holidays they don't have much choice but to have it a few weeks before couple C. If you know you have 2 weddings to go to and save for it doesn't make much difference if they are 1 week or 4 weeks apart if they aren't happening soon.
If they are both this summer then it sounds chaotic.
I would think it odd for D not to discuss the date with C before announcing it though.

Original poster

Chulita · 02/05/2011 09:48

I also wasn't saying that I was going to announce to them all how much it'd cost, just that 3 of us in the family would have to pay £900 in one month for both of the days when it'd be easier to have them spaced a bit further apart.

Ok though, the consensus is that I should just leave it and let them sort it out between themselves. Shame I disagree with you all though I'll have a think on it today and see if I can learn to mind my own business before nightfall!

OP posts:

Original poster

Chulita · 02/05/2011 09:49

C didn't discuss the date with D because D hadn't proposed yet so he didn't know he was planning anything around the same time.

OP posts:

Zooo · 02/05/2011 09:50

I was just saying that, as a SIL, I'd have been a bit pissed off if my DH's family said to put my wedding off because it would cost them money.

Obviously, you know your family better than I but, imo, it's best not to use the cost to family members as a reason to put it off.

Original poster

Chulita · 02/05/2011 09:53

No, I completely agree with that and we wouldn't tell them!

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 02/05/2011 09:54

it will be two diffrent weddings, you are forgetting that the build up to the wedding is normally very stressful. So it could work in his favour....c will have all the stress and D can be more relaxed affair.

fizzyelderflower · 02/05/2011 09:54

It's a good point that your SILs will have had a say in the decision and will probably have thought about the date and it's implications even more than you have

What's your relationship with them like? And do you want to risk pissing them off?

Georgimama · 02/05/2011 09:54

But if you know the weddings are both coming up you can save in advance anyway.

noonar · 02/05/2011 09:59

agree that you need to check they are aware that honeymoon could clash with second wedding. just discreetly raise the issue, then walk away.

i think some posters have been very rude to you, and am sure that you have your heart in the right place.

Original poster

Chulita · 02/05/2011 09:59

Both SILs are lovely and we get on well. Neither are easily pissed off thankfully but yea, just cos D doesn't think about other people's feelings doesn't mean that his fiancee hasn't/won't. I'm going to give C a ring later and see how he feels about it all, I think he's mainly worried D won't make it back to be his best man!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 02/05/2011 10:00

Tell them to have a joint wedding. They would save ££££££.

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