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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it ever ok to be unfaithful?

40 replies

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 16:40

Was talking to a friend the other day (homosexual male who is in a civil partnership) about my OH being away (for months at a time).

Most of the time he is away he would not have the opportunity to cheat even if he wanted to (he wouldn't I trust him) but I made a joke about it to my friend - who basically said well so what if he did, it would be a "one off" and it would be more "functional" than making a deep emotional connection with someone, and it would be silly to let a brief liason affect/end our relationship.

Incidently I am also friends with another homosexual couple who have "rules" within their relationship where its okay for them to both "play away" as long as it isn't discussed (I don't know if this has anything to do with same sex relationships or not arnd there being less likely to be "shackles" such as children- I just don't have any hetrosexual friends who have such "rules").

This really got me confused/thinking about whether it would be okay or not (my partners hypothetical affair!). I have no intention of looking elsewhere and can wait so expect the same of him and I don't think it would ever be the same between us if either of us had been with someone else - in fact I think it would really eat me up.

I know that everyones relationships are different and personal but AIBU to think that my friends view of things is not the norm? Or am I being really naive?!

OP posts:
icooksocks · 01/05/2011 16:44

Nope YANBU, I don't think there is ever any circumstances in which an unknown affair is okay. If the couple in question are happy with "sharing", for want of a better phrase, then of course it's okay.

CareyFakes · 01/05/2011 16:45

I know hetrosexual couples that feel like that also, along with homosexual couples. I think it's a simple case of 'each to their own'. It's their relationship, if they are happy to have certain 'rules' then as long as they are not hurting anyone, I'm all for it.

Not my idea of a relationship that would work for me personally, I like monogamy

NickNacks · 01/05/2011 16:45

I agree with you- 'open' relationships are not for me.

lubberlich · 01/05/2011 16:47

Most of my gay friends have open relationships - they also happen to have the longest relationships of anyone I know. Most of them have been together for 20 odd years. But I have also witnessed the total melt downs when the open relationship thing just didn't work out as planned - when one of them falls in love and it is no longer about just sex.

Personally I couldn't stand it. I have ended a very long term relationship due to his one off infidelity. It is the one thing I really can't tolerate. The desire to play away from home is usually indicative of a bigger problem I think.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 16:51

If a couple both agree to have an open relationship/marriage then that's their choice. Me personally infidelity is unacceptable, even once.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 16:52

Excuse the grammar Blush

mayorquimby · 01/05/2011 16:53

If it's agreed then fine.
If it's one person unilaterally deciding that it's fine then no.

pjmama · 01/05/2011 16:54

As a sweeping generalisation, I think men are able to detach sex from emotion more easily than women, which I guess makes an open relationship more workable? Each to their own, but it wouldn't work for me.

CheerfulYank · 01/05/2011 16:58

The gay couple I am closest to are not in an open relationship. Don't know about the others.

It would definitely not work for me!

GalaxyGuzzler · 01/05/2011 16:59

I don't think its okay to play away. some people choose to ignore it, some people get over it, but i don't think if you have made a commitment to someone to be with them, to then go with some one else is right. but all kinds of arrangments happen these days. I suppose it just comes down to what works for you.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 17:09

If you were in an open relationship would it be classed as infidelity? Confused

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 17:12

It isn't for me. I think it is OK if both know about it in advance and are happy. It is always wrong if it is a secret from one partner.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 17:14

If you are married surely it is because thats what you promise to do isn't it (be faithful) in the vows? Confused

I have forgiven past partners for infidilities (and when I was married I had an affair Sad) but not now with OH, he is THE ONE for me and I for him and if either of us strayed for me it would feel broken and unmendable - esp as our relationship is very much based on massive amounts of trust with the amount of time we spend apart.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 17:19

Technically it probably would be classed as infidelity but I was wondering if the people in the open relationship would see it that way iyswim.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 17:30

I don't know...we once considered a threesome Blush. In the end we decided it was too risky even with rules, it would've been a step too far and I didn't want to risk destroying what we have got.

I am really glad that we didn't.

OP posts:
pingu2209 · 01/05/2011 17:46

I think it is okay if the relationship is no longer sexual. I know a few marriages where the husband and wife are in their late 40s or 50s, where the wife is no longer interested in sex, even though they are still 'young' and the husband is up for it.

If the husband gets a little on the side but doesn't make it obvious then how can you blame him?

nijinsky · 01/05/2011 17:48

Do you not think though that homosexual people do not feel so much need to conform to society's ideal of the nuclear family set up and are more open to such ideas? Most heterosexual people tend not to be so open minded and so having open relationships would create more problems for them than it would advantages.

Much as I admire my gay friends, I'm not sure I would take relationship advice from them without question. Most of the ones I know are single and don't have as much sex as they would like and/or don't have the long term relationship that they would like. My gay male best friend's closest and most longstanding relationship is with me, and he does'nt have sex with me.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 17:50

Hmmmm my friend doesn't actually have penatrative sex with his husband so you may have a point.....

OP posts:
LeQueen · 01/05/2011 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 01/05/2011 17:53

Its funny that not having sex thing any more, my great uncle married a woman he loved, on their wedding night she pulled away as he was about to (you know) squealing in pain. they never consumated their marriage in 40 years and she died a virgin. He never once played away when she was alive.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 18:38

My parents don't have sex (my mum has told me Hmm) and haven't for many years. My mum has lots of "friends" (she has told me Hmm and gone into lots of graphic detail) and apparently my dad also does according to her and even caught some kind of STI (bork).

They stay together because they have a house they apparently love and is worth over a million pounds.

I so so wish they hadn't as since the age of about 5 I have been her confidant and know way to much about their and her and ny dads numerous affairs (from her).

Before this my dad lived away and they had an "open" marriage and I remember many of my mums lovers wandering around the house naked as a kid Hmm.

For these reasons sometimes I find it hard to have a grounded opinion on these things - but am encouraged that from the general concencus I am on the right track - now Grin.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 19:14

I don't know why people get married if they are not going to be faithful-no one is forcing them.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 19:20

I think thats a bit of a simplistic view tbh exoticfruits.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 19:24

But why would you get married? I made promises-I will keep them.
I think it is fine if both agree ,but if it is a secret it is very unfair.
Loyalty comes first with me.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 19:27

I don't think anyone gets married intending to have an affair but life sometimes isn't very fair or kind and things happen.

OP posts:
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