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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is it ever ok to be unfaithful?

40 replies

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 16:40

Was talking to a friend the other day (homosexual male who is in a civil partnership) about my OH being away (for months at a time).

Most of the time he is away he would not have the opportunity to cheat even if he wanted to (he wouldn't I trust him) but I made a joke about it to my friend - who basically said well so what if he did, it would be a "one off" and it would be more "functional" than making a deep emotional connection with someone, and it would be silly to let a brief liason affect/end our relationship.

Incidently I am also friends with another homosexual couple who have "rules" within their relationship where its okay for them to both "play away" as long as it isn't discussed (I don't know if this has anything to do with same sex relationships or not arnd there being less likely to be "shackles" such as children- I just don't have any hetrosexual friends who have such "rules").

This really got me confused/thinking about whether it would be okay or not (my partners hypothetical affair!). I have no intention of looking elsewhere and can wait so expect the same of him and I don't think it would ever be the same between us if either of us had been with someone else - in fact I think it would really eat me up.

I know that everyones relationships are different and personal but AIBU to think that my friends view of things is not the norm? Or am I being really naive?!

OP posts:

HeadfirstForHalos · 01/05/2011 19:41

I'm also of the opinion that so long as both partners agree then an open relationship is fine. It's not for me though, I would get like this if my dh even snogged somebody else, let alone have sex!

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 19:43

Of course they don't intend, but they should have the decency to say I am attracted by x and I am going to have an affair, one night stand whatever before they do it and give the partner options. Not do it and hope they don't find out!

exoticfruits · 01/05/2011 19:44

I'm probably hopelessly old fashioned but I keep a promise whatever-what I might want to do comes second.

theoldbrigade · 01/05/2011 19:48

That's the whole point - it is simplistic - don't want to commit fine. Once you have it is a whole new ball game.

Rule 1 - You do not screw around.

Rule 2 - If rule 1 is ignored shit will hit fan big time.

Ain't rocket science is it ?

Rosmarin · 01/05/2011 19:56

I have homosexual (male) friends who basically told me that most, if not all, gay couples mess around with other people.. I also found this odd.

hogsback · 01/05/2011 20:15

DP and I were separated by the Atlantic ocean for 5 years in the 90s, seeing each other only a couple of times a year due to price of airfares. We agreed a don't ask, don't tell policy. It worked for us - we've been together for 20 years.

smallmotherbigheart · 01/05/2011 20:21

I guess if they both know then its up to them to deal with the consequences. I personally don't see the point of relationships if it's no about being faithful.... but everyone's different

madonnawhore · 01/05/2011 20:25

No, I don't think it's ever ok.

It's not ok to lie to and deceive someone you purport to love.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 20:30

HeadfirstForHalos "I would get like this if my dh even snogged somebody else, let alone have sex!"

You sound like you have the same 'line in the sand' as I do.

Hulababy · 01/05/2011 20:31

IMO - no.

If you want to get involved with another person you should end the first relationship beforehand.

mummyosaurus · 01/05/2011 20:54

An interesting question, and until recently I would have been in the camp who said, never, outside an open relationship.

But I think there are circumstance where I could not say it was wrong to be unfaithful. Peoples lives get into terrible places and if an affair is the only way of getting through it; who am I to say they are wrong.

I am thinking of truly terrible situations, semi abusive partners, life threatening illness hanging over you, trapped by terrible money worries, guilt pressing down on you over things you had to do, various combinations of these situations.

It's easy to say finish your relationship before you start having sex with someone else, but in real life, and when someone you know and love is the person involved in the infidelity I am not sure it is always wrong.

bringmesunshine2009 · 01/05/2011 21:18

If I think about I think about how nice it would be just for a short time for someone to make me feel clever, beautiful, sexy and interesting. Rather than frumpy, old, stupid and incompetent as mother and wife. For someone just to say "don't beat yourself up, you're doing a great job" rather than, "my mother was a million times better than you'll ever be".

self pity sigh like India Knght wrote, married women ought not think of such things, it is like letting a shaft of light into a darkened room.

CheerfulYank · 01/05/2011 21:20

sunshine :( I'm sorry. You do deserve to feel beautiful and loved. You most definitely do , I swear!

CheerfulYank · 01/05/2011 21:20

DAMN ITALICS

ReindeerBollocks · 01/05/2011 21:28

I think that if a couple are in an open relationship then it's not cheating in the true sense of cheating, as it's approved by all parties.

I only know of one heterosexual couple who allowed this about 20+ years into their marriage as one of them had just gone off sex. They spoke about it in detail and agreed that the other partner could have sex with other people but to be discreet and not have feelings. It works for them but that would never work for me.

IMHO it isn't really ever acceptable to have an affair/cheat on a partner.

bringmesunshine are you ok? I second CheerfulYank, you do deserve to be loved and to feel beautiful.

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