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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a little irritated that I have not heard from DH for a week

62 replies

Themumsnot · 01/05/2011 12:42

DH went off on a week's adventure holiday last Sunday. I am quite happy about that, in fact I encouraged him to go, as he has been working very hard lately and needed a break. However, although I know that for part of the week he will have been without a mobile phone signal, I also know that for the rest of the time he will have been near enough to civilisation to enable some form of communication. He is due back at some point today - I don't know when exactly. I have texted him several times, but no reply as yet.
AIBU to be a bit annoyed at the lack of contact? He took two chargers for his phone btw.
OK, I know I am probably AIBU, but wanted to vent here so I don't go all sulky on him when he finally turns up with a broad smile and a large sack of dirty laundry.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 01/05/2011 13:08

I would be fucking furious tbh.

Georgimama · 01/05/2011 13:09

I'm interested to know whether the OP could have contacted him in an emergency. Because if not his behaviour has been outrageous.

And he should definitely be doing his own washing.

YellowDinosaur · 01/05/2011 13:14

I'd be f*cked off too. And I am generally very low maintenance.

I'd want to know that I could get hold of him in an emergency (so a number ofr the place he is staying - even if in a campsite there will be phones ffs) and I would want to arrange a couple of nights for a call which could be 30 secs from a payphone if the mobile signal is crap. Not least because my 2 dses would want to chat to their dad.

YANBU

animula · 01/05/2011 13:14

OP - Ephiny's answer is interesting, and (just imo) suggests how to deal with it on his return.

She's right - in some relationships, "keeping in touch" would come across as neediness. In others, not keeping in touch comes across as lack of concern.

Context is all.

Everything depends on your relationship, and all relationships are about an ongoing compromise and balance, continuously negotiated through changing/new situations by communication.

So, don't seethe, rather accept the validity of your response, and communicate, at a good moment, that the lack of contact made you feel a bit anxious, and, next time, you'd appreciate contact, however sporadic. Because you care.

strandedbear · 01/05/2011 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WidowWadman · 01/05/2011 13:24

When my husband goes onto to outside civilisation walks and has not been in touch by an agreed poing in time I would alarm mountain rescue (he leaves a route plan with me for that purpose).

Original poster

Themumsnot · 01/05/2011 13:27

Thanks for the replies - PMSL at the idea of me being needy/controlling though. I promise I am not. Actually, I posted this because I normally am very laid back about this sort of thing - as is he - which is why I haven't tried to phone him, but just left him to reply to my texts when he got a chance. The norm for either of us if we are away for a week would be to make contact every two or three days, just to check in and I suppose that's what I was expecting this time. I am sure he has a good explanation, eg phone fallen in river or something and I will greet him with a smile of course. But thank you all for not making me feel like IABU for being a bit peeved at least.
Oh, and to the poster who asked if I had a way of getting in contact - yes, I assume in a real emergency I could have got hold of him through the travel company so I wasn't really worried from that point of view.

OP posts:

Tryharder · 01/05/2011 13:29

YANBU. No-one would expect hour long phone calls or Skype every night with declarations of how much you love and miss each other.... but a text, saying I'm here and still alive wouldn't go amiss. I would be quite worried if that was my DH.

thumbwitch · 01/05/2011 13:32

YANBU - I'd be angry too. But I'd probably try and keep a lid on it whenever he gets home; until he makes some comment and then I'd point out that texts/phonecalls at the end of a week incommunicado would have been nice.

Original poster

Themumsnot · 01/05/2011 13:36

Yes, I think I'll try to do that. I wasn't that bothered until yesterday really, but I know he would have got back to their base by yesterday evening so I was expecting a text at least last night. Or this morning.
Actually, you know what, I'll just assume something's gone wrong with his phone, because it is totally out of character for him not to have got in touch if he could have.

OP posts:

SandStorm · 01/05/2011 13:36

My DH has also just had a week away. He's been walking on his own and I asked him to text me each night when he got to his destination. He did ask if he had to ring me every night and I told him no, but I did want to know he was safely at his lodgings.

My reasoning for this was that I am the only person who knew where he was meant to be at the end of each day and if he'd fallen down and broken a leg in the middle of the peak district with no mobile coverage, I would at least be able to raise the alarm.

If he had been with others then I wouldn't have expected him to contact me unless he wanted to because, quite frankly, his week away has been a result of his need for some solitude and respite from an enormously busy and stressful work schedule.

atswimtwolengths · 01/05/2011 13:48

I think you are not being unreasonable. He knew he was OK, but he didn't know you and the children were OK.

Jemma1111 · 01/05/2011 13:55

Surely though if his phone had broken op he could have borrowed someone else's just to make a quick call to you, just to stop you worrying if anything.

YANBU for being annoyed, your dh has some explaining to do imo. !!

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 01/05/2011 13:58

YANBU Don't forget when he brings that big bag of laundry back point him in the direction of the washing machine just in case he's forgot where it is.

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 14:00

YANBU - my OH has been texting me and hes currently in a submarine

Original poster

Themumsnot · 01/05/2011 14:01

Maybe they all dropped their phones in the river, Jemma! (Clutches at straws )

OP posts:

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 14:01

Bit strange, I am quite low maintenance and my husband regularly disappears for a day or two when abroad, as do I if I'm away (I don't think calling every evening to speak to the children is always a good idea when they are very little, it can just make things worse, but everyone has their own way of doing things). More than three days and I would be cross.

Some people call/text several times a day, that's not us so I guess it's what you are used to.

But ask why not before going off on one, if he's been out of range for a week, that might be a good reason (as long as he phoned the moment he got back into range). Also, ask what if an emergency happened, I usually have a list of nos for my husband, even if I don't bother to call them.

Original poster

Themumsnot · 01/05/2011 14:02

You can text from a submarine!
OK. Well if DH by any chance thinks IABU if I happen to mention my concerns, should I show him this thread?

OP posts:

Original poster

Themumsnot · 01/05/2011 14:06

Oh, should have said my DCs are aged 13, 11 and 8 and don't seem at all bothered by DH's absence.

OP posts:

unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 14:06

Only when its back on the surface - and hes not supposed to..I would be really upset if I were you OP I think its a bit inconsiderate really.

zipzap · 01/05/2011 14:08

As well as pointing in the direction of the washing remember to say you're back at last I'm exhausted here are the kids and I'm off for a quiet bath/drink out/walk etc

Southcoastsarah · 01/05/2011 14:16

probs his battery is flat

Xenia · 01/05/2011 14:31

Leave evidence of an invented lover in the bedroom where he will find it and he'll soon take more effort to stay in touch when he's away next time (just joking). Clearly he just didn't want to speak to you when he was away. If people do want to they get in touch. I've sent texts and made calls from all over the place, desert islands, Iran - if you really want to speak to someone you will do it.

Ragwort · 01/05/2011 14:37

After seeing the cost of a telephone call when my DH was last working away abroad (£75) I have specifically said that we will not keep in touch this time - (except for dire emergency) - personally I find it quite difficult to have any sort of meaningful conversation when someone is on the other side of the world, doing stuff that is so different to our normal day to day routine and DS gets more upset if he does talk to DH than if he doesn't.

Still, we are all different and I can understand if you are worried.

laInfanta · 01/05/2011 14:43

a WEEK??

I would be so worried. But then mine contacts me every single day no matter where he is as a matter of course. He wants to know that I'm safe every day. I suppose some people have different ways of doing things.

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