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AIBU?

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Original poster

To repost my thread because it didn't work and I'm pathetically desperate for replies

42 replies

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 01/05/2011 10:40

for some reason my thread on chat hasn't worked (at least it hasn't on my phone) so I'm reposting

couldn't think of a title

Everything is shit. It's taken a long time to even write this, just dont know what to do. Can't sleep and been planning the post in my head but it's all jumbled.

Just want to sleep all day, nothing makes me happy anymore. Random aches and pains, getting spots and ulcers, hair falling out :( spend much of the day staring into space

I am back on sertraline (antidepressant) and I'm not sure how long I should give it to work. It's got worse since I started back on them.

I have a wonderful DH he is amazing but it should be me looking after him right now. He's been off work since September (prolapsed disc etc waiting for physio and or surgery) and is in so much pain.

Have no money and I am trying to find a PT job, can't do ft as he obviously can't look after the DCs for long as can't push buggy etc.

I'm halfway through an OU degree and was doing really well but just can't face it now. But I have to do it because if the degree takes longer than 6yrs you lose the funding. So I can't fail.

House is a tip DH doing more than he should frankly. Got no help around as my parents have their own shit to deal with and I can't talk to them any more. DCs (1 and 3) are always fighting and hardly ever get outside anymore because some days I can't face leaving the front door.

DH is really worrying about me says I should go to walk in but I dont know what they'd do tbh. I'm not having any bad thoughts, I used to self harm a lot so it is a risk, but I know I won't do it because I can't even summon up the energy to hurt myself. I don't really feel depressed I am just empty and exhausted and feel constantly on the verge of a panic attack because there is so much to do and I just can't do it.

I dont really know why I'm posting this tbh I have been disappearing onto MN for ages just escaping on my phone but there is nowhere else to turn now

Fuck :(

OP posts:
unsurevalentine · 01/05/2011 10:45

So thats all the bad stuff in your life - what about the good stuff - there must be some? You say your DH is great, and DC's will always fight - maybe go out to the park for a bit I know its hard to get the energy together when you feel so crap but if you do you will feel so much better.

Do you have friends around you can get together with?

If you are on anti d's then has your GP offered counselling?

Its great you are doing something as positive as an OU degree, when you have cpmpleted it then you will be in a much better position to get a good job and it will feel like such an amazing achievement.

Things WILL get better.

animula · 01/05/2011 10:51

I'm not a professional, just someone on mn replying because you sound down.

I think I agree with your dp - go and get professional help, it sounds like depression.

What sticks out in your post is that you are doing well on your course, and yet this is provoking a great deal of anxiety about possible failure. that's odd.

Small children are hard work (amazing, wonderful, and a blessing - but hard work) so also se if more sleep/exercise like a walk regularly will help lift your mood - these things can help.

Your history of anxiety/self-harm you should mention to a professional, to see if there is something in your history you need to deal with.

You say you don't feel depressed, but you sound v. much to me as though you are descrining depression - don't feel guilty - it happens.

GruffalosGirl · 01/05/2011 10:53

I'm pretty sure anti depressants take 3 weeks to kick in so how long have you been on them so far? If it's been more than this I'd go back to the GP for them to up your dose or try another tablet. They should ask you to go back after a week anyway and you need to maybe ask for some counselling.

Could you see if there's any sure start groups that could provide some support, maybe speak to your health visitor.

It's horrible to feel this way but it will get better and you've taken the first step already by going to the GP, you just need to give it time and take it one day at a time.

Go and get out in the sunshine today with the kids, it will help.

TheVisitor · 01/05/2011 10:56

Have you had your thyroid levels checked? It's a possibility that maybe yours isn't working as well as it could be and could cause the hairloss and depression. Even if it's not your thyroid, then it could be a physical reason, as you don't sound well. Go and get a check up. x

Finallyspring · 01/05/2011 10:58

Of course you are depressed.

1.Hold on until you have been taking anti D's for 3 weeks

  1. In the meantime get as much exercise out of doors as you can, take children with you. Don't drink alcohol or smoke during this time. Also eat well.
  2. if not feeling better after this time go back to GP and ask for change of prescription and counselling.

You are having a hard time and you have depression on top of that. Hold your head up, keep going and keep doing what is necessary to get better. You will get better.
Good luck !

Finallyspring · 01/05/2011 10:59

Yes, definitely ask about thyroid when you go back to GP

wotnochocs · 01/05/2011 11:04

Have you been in touch with the OU to explain your situation.It may be that they can make an esception on medical grounds.

wotnochocs · 01/05/2011 11:04

exception

FabbyChic · 01/05/2011 11:04

Hey there, it can take up to six weeks for the pills to work, but when you do you will get some drive back and start wanting to do things again.

Depression is a nasty illness that is debilitating and not understood by those who have never suffered.

I feel your pain.

Try to do something everyday that you didn't do the day before, just one thing and take it day by day.

Get up and have a shower one day, or even just get up at a reasonable time.

Take each day as it comes and make a small change, it can and does get better, promise.

Onetoomanycornettos · 01/05/2011 11:11

I agree with wotnochocs, I'm pretty sure that on most courses, you can take a break for medical reasons, I would do that now for a couple of months or even longer, for depression (which you clearly have) with the doctors' notes alongside it. It's much better to take a break/sabbatical now, than plough on when you just can't work at all, and then at the end run out of time, as you usually can't get an exemption at the end, but you can when you are actually ill (if that makes sense).

Contact your OU tutor/regional office and ask about having an official break, you can always work during that time if you feel like it but it will relieve the pressure.

Otherwise, I hope the ADs kick in for you, I would go back to the doctors anyway as you sound very down.

Of course, when you are depressed, everything looks bleak and you can't see the good things (lovely husband, children, OU), which is why you get more help with it.

wingandprayer · 01/05/2011 11:28

I'm on Sertraline. At 2-3 weeks stage felt very 'meh' about everything. Felt hollow, unmotivated and could barely get my ass off the sofa. Week 4 it improved massively and has made a huge difference so hang on in there it will get better

In the meantime be kind to yourself. Rest as much as you can, eat properly and regularly, cuddle your husband and kids and try and find a bit of joy in every day even if it's just having a bath with a book. You are ill, you need to give yourself some time to get better. Everything else can wait and you can deal with it far more effectively later.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 01/05/2011 11:33

Ah honey....sorry you're feeling so bad. Are you having to do a lot to help DH? Could you consider getting some support from a group for carers? You sound run down....is there no help from family?

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 01/05/2011 11:34

Oh I see no family to help....where are you?

nannynick · 01/05/2011 11:52

Could you try to get yourself and your children into a routine whereby each day you go outdoors at a certain time of the day, even if that is just for 10 minutes. Then once you are in that routine, extend the time period by going on longer walks.

Sounds like you may be under a lot of stress which you may be bottling up and it's coming out in other ways - such as the random pains and other health issues.

Do you have any friends you can hang out with for a while during the week, taking children with you so they get to play with other children and you get a chance to chat with someone other than your DH. Also gets you out of the house.

MapofTassie · 01/05/2011 12:02

I am on Sertraline as well. As wingandaprayer said, it takes time to kick in. I felt anxious, shaky and generally out of control. Now I am in a better place, the kids' fighting doesn't bother me as much (although DS2's shrieking still goes through me!).
My thyroid is also out of whack - underactive - so am taking medication for that as well.
I'm not sure if my thyroid troubles caused my depression, but get your levels checked out at the GP - get them to check your thyroid antibodies as well.
Have a Brew or Wine, or both!
Try to look after yourself, easier said than done I know.

Finallyspring · 01/05/2011 12:16

Just thought I'd add something about your DH. The fact that you feel he's doing more than he should is a sign to me that you are depressed. If he can manage it then it's not too much for him. He's probably feeling down about being ill too and helping you makes him feel useful. Don't feel bad about any help you get, just take it as a sign that you are loved and cared for. When you're feeling better you'll return the favours.

Sorry mapoftassie. Agree that looking after yourself is a good idea but wine actually causes depression. A short lift and then afterwards you feel worse. Best to stay off it when you're low.

Original poster
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 01/05/2011 12:47

Wow thank you all for the replies Blush

Wine is not a problem - we don't drink anyway. Don't smoke either. normally eat very healthily but just switching between craving junk food and not wanting anything at all ATM.

Sorry when I said I dont feel depressed I think what I meant was I don't actually feel sad, if you see the difference... I don't want to cry or anything. Just... Meh.

The study break is a good idea. I'm not sure if it's possible - I've had letters about it on previous courses but when I tried a different one they mentioned something about it only being available on certain courses? I will try to find out. I've told my tutors that I'm struggling but haven't overtly asked for any extensions yet.

You are so right about exercise. I was doing really well until a month or so ago - had a trial gym membership, doing classes and even learning to run :) but now can't afford full membership, and stopped going since DH's back got worse. Just feel like I'm made of lead or iron.

Speaking of iron I will ask for a FBC at the doctor as I've been anaemic in the past, and thanks I will ask about the thyroid things too.

OP posts:
ilovepancakes · 01/05/2011 13:01

I understand how you feel.
I have been on antidepressants 2 times and started self harming (something that i stopped because it was distressing my parents)
Even though i'm much better now i still have days where i just want to lie down on the floor and give up.
Whatever you do DON'T! give up, keep pushing yourself for your DC'S sake, they need their mummy.
make yourself go out even if its just a trip to your local park or sweet shop.
I always found the longer i stayed in the house the harder it was to leave.
My kids are my reason for living and so should yours be.
Pick ya self up and give ya kids a big cuddleWink

mumtoted · 01/05/2011 13:14

I was going to post exactly what TheVisitor posted, ask to have your thyroid checked. its often misdiagnosed as depression.

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 01/05/2011 14:24

Have you heard of homestart? They are charity that supports families. They do practical things like cleaning in the house, do activities with your children and can listen and give advice. They come to your home and their volunteers are parents themselves and will be non-judgemental. It might be worth contacting them as they could help with lots of your difficulties.

TheVisitor · 01/05/2011 15:12

Homestart do not clean your house. They support you and your family, but they're not there to do housework at all.

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 01/05/2011 15:30

Oh I heard that they did small things like washing up and their website says they offer 'practical' as well as 'emotional' support. Regardless they may be able to help the OP.

TheVisitor · 01/05/2011 15:31

Some of them will quietly do stuff like that, but they're not supposed to. They are wonderful though, I loved my homestart lady.

Original poster
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 01/05/2011 18:34

Thanks I've heard of homestart and will look further. I would find it very very difficult to let a stranger in though, as would DH I think. We are both home all day! But I will research it.

Haven't managed to get out today but did have a better day with lots of playing with the DCs. Writing it all down has really helped.

I don't know, maybe this is just the sertraline kicking in - I was on it over winter and had totally different (more physical) side effects in the beginning. I ended up off them when I ran out and realised that my head felt clearer, I was able to get stuff done. I know it was a mistake to take myself off them Blush

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 01/05/2011 18:43

My first thought on reading your OP was THYROID! THYROID! so I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this and that you'll ask your GP. The symptoms you describe are classic.

That's my only practical input I'm afraid - I have limited experience of anti-ds, having lasted less than a week on prozac before coming off it in a blind panic because it felt like being on a dodgy e - crippling anxiety and vertiginous mood swings.

I hope you start feeling better soon, whatever the cause of your depression and other symptoms. You sound very overwhelmed by everything, it's awful feeling that way.