To repost my thread because it didn't work and I'm pathetically desperate for replies

[FreudianSlipOnACrown]

for some reason my thread on chat hasn't worked (at least it hasn't on my phone) so I'm reposting

couldn't think of a title

Everything is shit. It's taken a long time to even write this, just dont know what to do. Can't sleep and been planning the post in my head but it's all jumbled.

Just want to sleep all day, nothing makes me happy anymore. Random aches and pains, getting spots and ulcers, hair falling out :( spend much of the day staring into space

I am back on sertraline (antidepressant) and I'm not sure how long I should give it to work. It's got worse since I started back on them.

I have a wonderful DH he is amazing but it should be me looking after him right now. He's been off work since September (prolapsed disc etc waiting for physio and or surgery) and is in so much pain.

Have no money and I am trying to find a PT job, can't do ft as he obviously can't look after the DCs for long as can't push buggy etc.

I'm halfway through an OU degree and was doing really well but just can't face it now. But I have to do it because if the degree takes longer than 6yrs you lose the funding. So I can't fail.

House is a tip DH doing more than he should frankly. Got no help around as my parents have their own shit to deal with and I can't talk to them any more. DCs (1 and 3) are always fighting and hardly ever get outside anymore because some days I can't face leaving the front door.

DH is really worrying about me says I should go to walk in but I dont know what they'd do tbh. I'm not having any bad thoughts, I used to self harm a lot so it is a risk, but I know I won't do it because I can't even summon up the energy to hurt myself. I don't really feel depressed I am just empty and exhausted and feel constantly on the verge of a panic attack because there is so much to do and I just can't do it.

I dont really know why I'm posting this tbh I have been disappearing onto MN for ages just escaping on my phone but there is nowhere else to turn now

Fuck :(

Wow another vote for thyroid... I think I had a test for it recently but I can't remember - possibly when having other blood tests

Somebody mentioned thyroid antibodies as well - is that a separate thing?

I'm sure it's just the situation, rather than anything physical iyswim, but I will ask as it's worth finding out...

Freudian you gave me some fantastic advice recently so i'll try to do the same for you.
I don't know anything about thyroid problems but as other posters have flagged it it certainly sounds like something you need to mention to your gp and you should definately see your gp, if not least about your energy levels.

It's self perpetuating isn't it ? You don't have the energy to make yourself feel better and you don't feel better because you don't have any energy. It sounds horrible and I hope you feel better soon.

Money wise make sure you're receiving everything you're entitled to, especially with your dh unable to work. This is very good.

what sort of pt work are you looking for ? if you can manage without for a little while longer i would suggest putting your search on the back burner until you feel better. there is nothing worse than trying to glibly sell yourself when you feel so....meh.

hair loss - if very severe - could be down to stress, again take it up with the gp. according to my mum (not a gp, but wise nonetheless) claims mouth ulcers can be a syptom of being run-down (which you certainly sound) or lack of vitamin c so try and go for some c-rich fruits (kiwis, oranges etc) and swill your mouth out with salt water a few times a day. don't swallow the salt water. my wise old mum failed to tell me that the first time i did it. thanks mum!

(as you can see i'm trying to pull apart your post so you feel as though you can tackle one thing at a time, rather than trying to 'fix' everything all at once which will just leave you more deflated. sorry it's getting so long)

are you enjoying your studies ? is there any way you can take a sabbatical for a bit ? it sounds like you're putting yourself under pressure there and that won't be helping. are you virtual or otherwise friends with anyone else studying the same subject ? maybe look on some forums for OU and see if anyone else is struggling, or just for a moan, or assistance or whatever.

exercise is very good for flagging energy levels, unfortunately. it's the last thing i ever feel like. did you mention a gym membership ? that can be draining financially and if you're not going to go very often then please rethink joining. la fitness are offering a free 3 day trial - i've used it before, you have to have an interview and are shown around the gym and then they try to convince you to sign. i think you can attend classes but also their swimming pools are aces and swimming is quite a relaxing form of exercise iyswim so may be worth if for a few days to try and get some energy back....they also do yoga classes which i tried and hated (i'm a terrible yoga pupil, too fidgety) but yoga is apparently good for body and mind and so could be just what you're looking for.

hope i haven't come across like a sanctimonious twat, you'll come out the other side soon, all dark clouds lift eventually (hippy emoticon)

dont stop the antidepressants or they wont work, you must keep them going till your gp takes you off them.
believe me thats why i ended up on a second dose of antidepressants because i stopped them when i was not actually ready (even though i felt better at the time it turned out to be a big mistake)

I know how you feel. There is too much in your head and it's overwelmed you and now you have gone into melt down, I did that too about a month ago.

You need a plan, when things start to get done the sun seems to shine back in again.

Get a pen and paper and write youself a little daily routine down Inc. Cleaning and a trip out with the DCs, even if only a walk around the block with bikes or something.

I'm not a professional but that's what I did and things are looking up now

kaiki I gave you fantastic advice? Really?!? You must be thinking of someone else :o

Anyway... Thanks again to everyone. Until I finally posted this, I was in a small way enjoying feeling like this. That's awful to say but hopefully you'll know what I mean. It was easier to think Fuck It All and wallow in it and not bother finding a way out. It was finally a reason/excuse to stop treading water and give up and curl up on the sofa instead of rushing round everywhere. I hope that makes sense.

But I am, I think, ready to start finding a way out of it. It's scary though, as I've become accustomed to this mindset very quickly and it's got very comfortable.

You go girl! thats the spirit!

Haven't read the whole thread in detail, but just wanted to say, if someone hasn't already, that you should try to speak to someone at the OU about your course. Obviously your health comes first so get the anti-Ds/thyroid thing sorted as a prioroty. But don't let all your hard work go down the pan while you do. You should be able to speak to a tutor or friendly lecturer about things and see what solutions they can work out for you. I don't know about the OU, but at other universities, it is possible to get extra help/extensions to deadlines/delay taking exams etc. but only if you talk to someone first! If you know that your OU tutor is aware that you have health issues to deal with, then that may take some of the pressure off, which can only help you dealing with all the other things.

Good luck, and well done to your DH for being such a support

freudianslip you did give me good advice (or at the least asked a pertinent question which jolted me into thinking). i remember your awesome username.

Weeeell things have got more interesting

DH has lost his job :( basically due to his absence lasting so long they can no longer keep the post open for him.

Also regarding the OU degree, I phoned them and it turns out my courses are not included on the Interrupted Study scheme - so I have no way of taking a break. I just have to keep doing it somehow but I can't even contemplate it ATM. It is SO unlike me - I'm the biggest geek I know, I would not be doing the degree if I didn't love studying, but I can't do it right now. Looking on the OU site to see if changing my degree will help (due to different required modules etc) but not too hopeful.

I'm ashamed to say the motivation from my last post has somewhat disappeared :(

When you get your thyroid checked please get the doc to check your B12 levels too. If your body stops storing B12 depression is one of the symptoms along with tiredness, aches and pains and memory loss. I get mouth ulcers when mines is low. My db was on anti-depressants for 3 years until I asked his doctor to test him, his levels were so low it was shocking. He nows has a B12 injection every 3 months and has been off the meds for a year.

Oh that's useful thank you - is there a specific test for this, or is it under a full blood count? (I'm guessing they'll do that anyway as I am prone to anaemia)

Quote from the OU website
"What will happen if I hit difficulties when I'm studying with the OU?

If you feel you are having difficulties during your studies, talk to your tutor about your concerns. Not only are our tutors experts in their field, but they also understand the issues associated with distance learning.

If it becomes impossible to continue, you may (on some courses or modules) be able to interrupt your study and return later. On other courses or modules you may qualify for a discount off future fees depending on when you withdraw.

Remember that the OU has a wealth of study support available, through tutors, advisers in our regional centres and disability support services. It is better to approach us as soon as you think you might have a problem, so that we can help you stay on track.

If you are thinking about changing or withdrawing from your studies, please telephone us as soon as possible on 0845 300 60 90 to talk through your options."

Sounds to me like the interrupted studies scheme is different from what you are talking about (taking time off due to illness/family issues). I don't work at the OU, but I do work at another university and we are very sensitive to getting students through difficult times - which is very very common given the sheer number of people we have going through the system at any one time. So don't feel like you are being a pain - ask for help, and keep asking until you find the person you need to speak to. Most unis have a student support unit who should be able to help you find out your options. You may not be able to take a break, but for instance, perhaps you can sit the re-sit set of exams instad of the summer exams. That would give you some breathing space..?

Sorry to hear you're struggling Freudian. Yes I understand the #giving up thing - sometimes it's good to do that, it's actually quite peaceful! ie you stop struggling on the rat wheel.

when I first read your OP I thought it sounded like you may have something physical not firing properly - I'm not a medic but I wondered about anaemia (re hair loss).

then I read that you had come off AD's suddenly

excuse me but

oh lordy, please never ever do that again Freudian: the down you experience is not 'you' but the vicious kickback of the drugs being stopped suddenly

Glad to hear you're back on them, take your time, take them for a long time, long after you feel well; then only come off very slowly with your GP's supervision.

HOpe your inner geek reappears soon - it does sound like your symptoms could be physical re thyroid/anaemia/whatever; definitely abruptly stopping ADs will be in there somewhere (sorry, said that already ). Get to your GP girlie, get yourself sorted. HOpe everything calms down soon. It's a cliche but has helped me enormously during my own very difficult times, similar to what you are experiencing now: this too shall pass. It always, always does xx

Delaying the exam may be a good idea thanks (I only have one exam in October anyway) I've talked to the support people and there is nothing else I can do apart from asking for extensions.

The stats course I'm doing is easy, but the other two have me totally baffled :( they aren't actual maths and I just can't grasp what I'm supposed to do. It's the first time I've struggled with academic work in such a significant way.

I think - unless I've massively miscalculated - I've figured out a way to change my degree and still get it done within 6 years so I keep my funding - or at the worst I'd have to pay for my last course. If I can, I'd continue with the stats and drop the other 2. I'll phone them again tomorrow.

Thanks daffs. I know, coming off them was really stupid. I was fine at the time, it's only been worse since going back on, although (chemically at least!) it's a bit better now.

If you can't actually grasp what to do - speak to your tutor! You'd be amazed at the number of times I have sat down for a detailed chat with students with the same question and most of the time (I think) they go away with a much clearer idea of what I'm on about in lectures. Don't blame yourself - get the tutor to do what they are paid for and tutor you.

Unfortunately these courses have no proper tutorials. They have online ones which I still need to listen to!

I'm so useless :( I've still got to ask for an extension for the stats assignment anyway. Then I've got to do the damn thing. While doing that I need to ask for an extension on the other course, so that I can forget about it until the stats assignment is done. Then I'll figure out if it's worth carrying on. What a mess. I'm so embarrassed, people were a bit I was taking on so much but I know I would've coped if everything else wasn't so disastrous ATM :(