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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over my mother and a standing arrangement?

31 replies

BombayBadonkadonks · 30/04/2011 20:31

Good Evening!

I have a standing arrangement with my mum and my ILs regarding footy matches. They take it in turns in looking after my boys whilst DH and I go to watch the local football team. This arrangement has been going for a good few years and includes feeding the boys their tea so they are ready for bed when we pick them up.

Tonight when I collected the boys (DH away at today), mother informed me that the lads hadn't had their tea (it was 6.30pm at this point) as she didn't know what the plans were as I hadn't said anything when I dropped them off.

I was quite Shock when she said this - I didn't say anything we just left and came home. I then had two tired hungry boys (2&5) to deal with which was awful!

I think that she is doing this to spite me as I forgot that I was supposed to watch the wedding at hers and I forgot and made other plans.

Writing this out, makes it sound petty but I am quite upset by her reaction and the lack of consideration for the kids as she knows that they have their tea at about 5.30pm. She knew where I was, what time I would be back and she could have texted if she was unsure.

This arrangement has worked on the other 18 or so occasions since last Aug!

Sorry about the long post and please be gentle!

Am off to have a glass of Wine

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 20:33

Maybe they'd had enough of this arrangement and felt taken for granted that they would be automatically having to make their dinner and feed them and thought you or dh could do it instead.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 20:33

what time do you normally pick them up? and do you normally discuss their mealtimes when you drop them off?

It does seem a bit daft of her not to have fed them as I am sure kids that age would have been moaning they were hungry.

BluddyMoFo · 30/04/2011 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 30/04/2011 20:36

Perhaps you should make other childcare arrangements.

It may seem to her like you are taking the piss.

You drop off the kids so you can go watch the footie but you forget to show up to spend some time with her?

That's not nice.

Ingles2 · 30/04/2011 20:36

I totally agree with rainbow.... you expect your mum to look after and feed your dc on a regular basis, but forget you're meant to spending time with her.
Think about it, ... the lack of consideration is coming from you.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 30/04/2011 20:37

Maybe she was hurt by your forgetting the rRoyal Wedding thing? Maybe she's not feelling well?

droopypoppies · 30/04/2011 20:37

Do you usually say when you'll be back?

Has your mother mentioned anything about not wanting to look after your boys anymore, or that she finds them hard work?

FakePlasticTrees · 30/04/2011 20:37

guess your standing arrangement has just ended.

You can either take it in turns to go to the footie, or hire a childminder who will be paid to do what you want.

Tanith · 30/04/2011 20:41

I agree with the other posters that your mum is probably feeling taken for granted but letting two little boys go without their tea just to make a point is a horrible thing to do. She has a tongue in her head: she should have used it to tell you how she felt, not take it out on her grandsons.

rainbowinthesky · 30/04/2011 20:41

I bet she had made food for you all for yesterday and had sat in waiting for you all to turn up to start. You didnt turn up for the family occasion but turned up the next day to drop and go out.

chicletteeth · 30/04/2011 20:42

Hmm, so you forgot plans you made with her; went out and made other plans and then had further plans to go and watch the football later! Meanwhile, she just stays in and waits for what is now a no-show, and then you do show when it suits you!

You sound selfish!

Out of curiousity, did you text her when you remembered you were meant ot have been over there to watch the wedding?

Have you ever shown an ounce of appreciation that she does this for you?

She forgets once and you're all up in arms.

Poor your having to deal with your own two tired hungry boys after a morning watching wedding elsewhere and then off to footy!

FabbyChic · 30/04/2011 20:43

I do feel that you let your mother down yesterday. You had arrangements with her yet you forgot and done something else? That is real mean, but when it suits you you can remember to drop them off so you can go to football?

You need to consider her feelings and not be selfish next time you make plans with her, stick to them.

BluddyMoFo · 30/04/2011 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BombayBadonkadonks · 30/04/2011 20:44

Good point about the wedding arrangements - we had both been away visiting and it did slip my mind when we got back.

My dad is there to help with them - so it isn't just her there with the pair of them.

We do normally mention food but it was quite a hectic drop off this morning.

They have been fed every other time that they have been round there. We alternate between mine and DH's parents - it wasn't a surprise that they were having the boys today.

The timings are pretty standard - to within 5 mins or so and they watch final score and know when the match has finished.

I guess that IABU.

Thanks for the perspective on this.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 30/04/2011 20:46

hectic drop off?

So not only did you totally forget that you were supposed to be spending time with your mum, but you rushed over,dropped off the kids and legged it to your footie?

And you don't know why she's cross?

Original poster
BombayBadonkadonks · 30/04/2011 20:47

Thanks again for the responses.

I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 30/04/2011 20:49
Grin

yup.

So what are you going to do to make up?

(btw if she kept your children hungry on purpose, that was really mean of her! If she's cross with you, that's not something to be petty with children about.)

BluddyMoFo · 30/04/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 30/04/2011 20:50

yes BMF, she may have assumed that since OP didn't mention it, she was taking them out / had arranged something else. It might not be Making A Point at all.

chicletteeth · 30/04/2011 20:52

Well, at least you are open to and accepting of criticism.

Put it right and buy her some flowers and a nice bottle of wine or a big box of chocs.
Say you're sorry for what obviously looks as though you've been taking advantage and that you appreciate everything she does.

Your babysitting arrangements will remain I'm sure

Oh yeah, and make sure you spend the jubilee (next year with her ) to make up for missing royal wedding Grin

randomimposter · 30/04/2011 20:58

I agree TOTALLY with tanith.

If your mum has issues with the arrangement that "has come to pass", she should raise it with you at the appropriate time in the appropriate way. FWIW I do think you have/you've had great support to allow you to watch regular football (personal Envy here!), but that doesn't excuse not feeding her 2 grandsons... :(

Yeah she might be pissed with you about the wedding thing, but to not give the little ones some supper because of it :(

Hope you manage to get to the bottom of it. And repair the relationship.

paulapantsdown · 30/04/2011 21:03

OP - please make this up to your mum. Don't use her as a babysitter anymore (spend quality time with her and the kids, not just to convenience you).

Make other arrangements for your football or take it in turns - we can't always carry on with the social things we did before kids.

It sounds like she is hurt and fed up with being taken for granted.

You only have one Mother.

TheSecondComing · 30/04/2011 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunAwayWife · 30/04/2011 21:07

You know you are being unreasonable, stop using your poor mother as a drop off child care facility, I am sure you would get more out of family time then dumping your kids to watch football

Groovee · 30/04/2011 21:15

I think you need to say sorry to your mum and mean it and then possibly consider only getting 1 season ticket next year and consider taking the 5 year old on a junior one for company!