To be angry at my mum

[kaiteysmumma]

Sorry for another 'my mother is a PITA' but this has been on my mind for a couple of days, and good old guilt is setting in. Also my first time posting, so please be gentle

On Thursday, it was my brother's girlfriend's son's 4th birthday (I'll call him my nephew to make it easier lol) We went to their house, with my parents, to give him his presents. Afterwards, they were taking him to Mcdonalds for a birthday treat, so we all decided to join them.

Things were going fine, and we were laughing and joking about filling our old rooms at mum and dads house with bunkbeds for all the grandchildren we are going to provide them with (SIL is 17 weeks pregnant and DP and I are planning to try for a baby next year) We obviously were only joking about having loads of children, and my dad was playing along with it.

Then my mother turns to me and says 'You can't cope with the one you have." (DD is 5)

This isn't the first time she has said something like this. Usually, its just a small comment, but its pretty much constant whenever I'm with her, a drip drip drip of comments that, as much as I try to ignore them, do get to me.

Well, I completely lost my temper with her. DB butts in saying Dad was saying stuff too, but as far as I was concerned, Dad was just joining in the general joking, and said so.

So, I'm pretty upset, and said, pretty loudly probably, that my mother needs to think about what she says to people, at which point, my dad stands up, says 'shut your gob XXX (to me)' and then storms out. I'm in tears by this point, and me, DP and DD leave as well

WIBU to react how I did? Its been a pattern over the last few years, they do stuff I dont like till I lose my temper, then for a few weeks after, everythings dandy, and then it starts again.

I've cancelled our usual saturday lunch with mum and some other family, and also dinner out tomorrow. DD is supposed to be going away for the weekend with my parents next weekend, and I will probably let her go to that because she has been looking forward to it.

I just dont know where to go from here.

Jeesh, that was long. Thanks to anyone still reading lol

[diddl]

But didn´t they provide full childcare until she went to school?

And if she is at school full time & with her Dad at weekends, it probably seems to your mum as if you don´t have her much.

Badly handled by you both, I would say.

Also, you´ve only been with your partner a year-perhaps she´s worried about that.

[kaiteysmumma]

Diddl, yeah they did, again at her request. ExDH wasnt keen on me going back to work, and at the time, it wasn't necessary that I went back. Yes, it was nice for me, and I appreciate what they did for me, but at the same time, mum did ask to have her

I'm also not sure how not having her as much means that I can't cope? (please don't take that the wrong way, I am genuinely just asking)

[diddl]

Of course it doesn´t mean that you can´t cope-but perhaps your mum feels that you don´t have her enough to know?

[kaiteysmumma]

Ahh, I see :)

Tis a fair point. Still, I'm the one that does all the day to day washing, ironing, cleaning etc, cooking, packed lunches, school runs, afterschool activities. ExDH basically picks her up after dinner on Friday, I take her out for lunch, he does dinner, and then she comes back on sunday before dinner, usually in the same clothes as she went in, and needing a good scrub down in the bath lol. So its not as if he does any of the major childcare. Just the fun bits lol

[DoMeDon]

It sounds like a joke that went wrong to me - any chance of that?

[prettyfly1]

I think I feel very sorry for you db girlfriend and her son, who your appallingly behaved family ruined the birthday of. None of you come out of that well and I think you should all be extremely embarrassed and certainly apologise. You all sound massively selfish and overentitled - how dare you behave like that at a kids treat. You are as bad as each other to be honest.

[HecateQueenOfTheNight]

If they see you as a child (and many parents do!) then having a tantrum won't exactly help to prove them wrong, will it?

You should apologise to your brother and his girlfriend for your part in what happened.

And you need to work on responding to conflict in an adult way. You did not need to cause a scene, have a tantrum, lose the plot. You had the option to respond calmly and in a mature way.

you know, you can firmly put someone in their place without raising your voice at all.

[ShoutyHamster]

Going to go against the grain just a tiny bit - it does sound as if they have helped out massively - but a lot of it at their own request - so not so clear cut, really.

BUT. That was a nasty thing to say. Seemed designed to infantalise you. Getting in a dig when everyone is laughing and joking? Also nasty, uncalled for.

I know a situation where a mother provides childcare, and a lot besides, for her single daughter's child. Until recently, they were living with them. Yes, the mother puts herself out massively, in both time and money.

But oh my does she love the situation it creates. She gets to revel in martyrdom as well as having the upper hand when it comes to interfering in every aspect of her daughter's life, overriding her childcare decisions, everything. She's had a face like thunder ever since the daughter moved out and has been extra snippy with her. She's lost the power.

I don't understand why any mum would want to drag down her daughter, who is finally happy in a relationship and planning the future, with some nasty sharp words.

Maybe next time you coult say that while you appreciate all she has done for you, maybe she could stop and think that she had the love and support of your Dad through the early years of her childrens' lives, and for that alone she should be grateful, and maybe realise that you have had to cope with things that she has no experience of, too.

[kaiteysmumma]

I have already spoken to SIL, I called her yesterday morning. She said it was fine, that DN hadn't noticed anything, and that she was shocked at what my mother had said.

Hecate, I will definitely be thinking about my reactions. This one just came so out of the blue that my mouth didn't give my brain a chance to catch up. I guess ignoring the vast majority of these little sly digs isn't working out so well

[HecateQueenOfTheNight]

Oh god, we've all done that! I'm a bugger for it.

But you have to think on your feet.

Actually, that's crap advice. what you have to do is to plan. When you know someone is likely to behave a certain way, you plan calmly what you can say to them in the event they start. Say it over and over in your head until when it actually comes to it - it comes naturally and assertively and calmly out of your mouth.

A good starter is the MN classic -

"That sounded very rude. Did you mean it to?"

[zest01]

Sorry but I think yabu. You're Mum made a comment and I can see it upset you however it sounds like you over reacted in a big way! What sort of example does your reaction set to your DC and the other LO's that were there?

If your Mum has digs at you, then you need to address it with her, one to one, not explode in public.

My Mum sometimes says thing that annoy me, I think she is a bit too "direct" at times but it sounds like they are there for your DC's and have helped you a lot so just learn to rise above it

[Guitargirl]

I wouldn't be suprised to see as thread from your brother's girlfriend complaining that her boyfriend's family couldn't keep it together long enough for a trip to McDonald's.

BUT on the other hand I do know the effect of the drip-drip comments as I get those both from my Mum and MIL and it can build up over time and be very hurtful.

Am with the others who say prove her wrong - show her how independent and self-reliant you are, then she will have to eat her words.

[blindmelon]

I think you should arrange to meet your mum for lunch just the two of you and have an honest chat. It sounds like she is a good grandparent and does a lot for you, despite her insensitive comment. Without wanting to sound morbid, I lost my mum 10 years ago and would love to have her around to argue with.

[heliumballoons]

I have remembered a 'dig' my Mother had at me once at a large extended family meal.

I has DS (out of wedlock but engaged) but split when DS was 13 months as Ex cheated. We lived abroad at the time.

My cousin had got engaged and started saying how she couldn't wait to have children after marraige and I said how I'd like more one day. My mum looked straight at me and said 'yes, when your married like x, the way it should be'

I just replied ' I have moved countries with a 2yo, found a home, got a job and started a degree, is that not enough for you?'

First time ever my mum has been speechless until she found her voice and told me not to be so rude Just point out ll your do and have done - she'll look an arse if she keeps trying to run you down.

FWIW My Dsis is now pg with no intentions of marrying her DP of 5 years.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

In my experience, Mums shoot from the hip, sometimes with little afterthought. When my precious mum was here, I'd just row with her when she said something hurtful and tactless - which was a fair old few times. But I knew she loved me more than anything, just that she had her own opinions that she couldn't quite silence. You know what, it doesn't matter now she's gone. She used to drive me nuts at times, but end of the day, she loved me to the very core and my kids too. She didn't always agree with what I did and often made a disapproving/chewing-a-wasp face, but I'd give anything to have her back now. You need to weigh up whether the disagreements are really worth it. Otherwise, toughen up and shrug the daft things she says off. They're not around forever you know. x