To be angry at my mum

[kaiteysmumma]

Sorry for another 'my mother is a PITA' but this has been on my mind for a couple of days, and good old guilt is setting in. Also my first time posting, so please be gentle

On Thursday, it was my brother's girlfriend's son's 4th birthday (I'll call him my nephew to make it easier lol) We went to their house, with my parents, to give him his presents. Afterwards, they were taking him to Mcdonalds for a birthday treat, so we all decided to join them.

Things were going fine, and we were laughing and joking about filling our old rooms at mum and dads house with bunkbeds for all the grandchildren we are going to provide them with (SIL is 17 weeks pregnant and DP and I are planning to try for a baby next year) We obviously were only joking about having loads of children, and my dad was playing along with it.

Then my mother turns to me and says 'You can't cope with the one you have." (DD is 5)

This isn't the first time she has said something like this. Usually, its just a small comment, but its pretty much constant whenever I'm with her, a drip drip drip of comments that, as much as I try to ignore them, do get to me.

Well, I completely lost my temper with her. DB butts in saying Dad was saying stuff too, but as far as I was concerned, Dad was just joining in the general joking, and said so.

So, I'm pretty upset, and said, pretty loudly probably, that my mother needs to think about what she says to people, at which point, my dad stands up, says 'shut your gob XXX (to me)' and then storms out. I'm in tears by this point, and me, DP and DD leave as well

WIBU to react how I did? Its been a pattern over the last few years, they do stuff I dont like till I lose my temper, then for a few weeks after, everythings dandy, and then it starts again.

I've cancelled our usual saturday lunch with mum and some other family, and also dinner out tomorrow. DD is supposed to be going away for the weekend with my parents next weekend, and I will probably let her go to that because she has been looking forward to it.

I just dont know where to go from here.

Jeesh, that was long. Thanks to anyone still reading lol

[PaisleyLeaf]

Are they giving you a lot of help - but actually begrudge it?
Are they happy to take your DD for the weekend?

[kaiteysmumma]

Until DP moved in last week, admittedly they were giving me a lot of help. I had been a single parent since sept 07.

When DD was 3 months old, I went back to work part time, and mum offered to have her while I was at work. Knowing I had childcare was one of the reasons I went back to work.

They have always been very involved in her life, which I think is good (they live 2 min drive away) They pick her up from school once a week and give her tea

It was their idea to take her away, this will be the third time they have done it (Sun holidays lol )

[PaisleyLeaf]

Well, if it's only been a week since you've relied on help from them, then it'll just take time to prove that you can cope.
Maybe they'll see things differently in a year.

[HipposGoBeserk]

Okay, for that one little trip to McD's, both you and your mum were being unreasonable.

Mum WBU for needling you and being bitchy.

You WBU for simmering and then having a strop at a 4yo's birthday treat.

HOWEVER, in the big picture I am not sure who is being unreasonable. Does your mum help you out a lot? More than she wants to? How much do you rely on her, and do you need to reassess if it is working for everyone.

You seem to have a family habit of not coming out and saying what you think. Your mum obviously has issues with you, and you with her. Talk about it like grown ups maybe?

[kaiteysmumma]

As far as I know I've done a pretty good job. My house isn't always as tidy as I would like, but DD is always fed properly, clean, in clean clothes, and in my opinion, polite and well behaved

[HipposGoBeserk]

X-post.

Does your mum know how grateful you are for all the help she has given you?

Perhaps she is feeling a bit taken for granted?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Mums can be direct. Perhaps she doesn't think that you can handle the one child you have and she said it out of concern for you. I know this was hurtful to you but see it from your parents' point of view... your DP moved in last week and you're planning another child already, albeit not till next year. Perhaps they don't like him, perhaps they don't think that you have the necessary stability to offer another child? Perhaps they think that you don't earn enough or that your DP doesn't contribute... do your ex-partner have input with his child or contribute to her upbringing?

Your parents are looking after your child whilst you're at work and whilst some GPs do this because they really want to have the child, others find themselves foisted with the child for the sake of the working parent. Are you intending that your Mum takes on the new childcare too?

I'm not judging you, OP, you should have a calm one-to-one discussion with your Mum about what she meant when you are less upset about it. She's your Mum, she loves you, but she's not blinded by emotions either and much as it hurts sometimes, I think we need that commonsense.

[heliumballoons]

Probably got a bit out of proportion on both sides.

I'm wondering whether your Mum is concerned you'll get PG quickly and then split with DP and you'll be left alone, this time with 2 children. She's probably concerned. (but didn't out it very well).

PS not saying it won't work out but if its only been a week and your discussing dc's your mum may have worried thats all.

YANBU for joking about filling rooms with bunks - its the sort of thing my family jokes about and my Mum makes it clear it ain't happening - just in an equally jokey way.

[kaiteysmumma]

The only times they have her is at their request. For the odd night out or whatever, I will generally ask DD's dad to have her, or I organise my time around the weekends when she is with him. I appreciate that now me and my DB have left home, both my parents have their own lives now, and I try not to cut in on that time unless absolutely necessary. DD adores them both, and they her, so I do try and factor in some time for them to spend with her.

My parents are fully aware of my thoughts about what they say to me. It seems the tack of ignoring the odd little needles isnt working long term

[zikes]

I don't know, everyone's joking around, your mum makes a comment (possibly misjudged banter) and you go off on one.

"They do stuff I don't like till I lose my temper"? What sort of things?

You sound a bit like a stroppy teenager, (and don't get me wrong, nobody brings out the erstwhile stroppy teenager in me more than my mum ) but it sounds to me like you need to do a bit of talking, acknowledging how helpful they've been to you and perhaps making efforts to be more independent so your relationship can become less tense.

[heliumballoons]

x-posts with lying.

[grumblinalong]

I feel your pain OP. My mum is exactly the same, she doesn't 'edit' or restrain her comments with me even though she knows feelings will get hurt and when anyone insinuates that your own parenting isn't 'perfect' its maddening, but its more upsetting when your own mum does it. Are your mum & dad quite young (40' or 50's) themselves?

YAB a bit U to react by being a bit disrespectful and shouting at your mum. Although, you were acting like the child and she the parent so you can't be too hard on yourself because this is your relationship .

I think Mum's find it very hard to view their children as adults because they will always first and foremost view us as a product & consequence of them. They'll always remember us as vulnerable infants and to consolidate this in your mind as a parent, as the past, and move into a more adult and equal relationship is something alot of people struggle with, I fully expect I will when my DC's grow up, an just look at all the MIL threads on MN.

I know my mum and dad think they have the 100% right to say what they like to me and it will probably take a good more few years for them to accept me as an adult who can make her own life decisions and temper their comments (even though I'm 32, married, a homeowner with a responsible job and 3dc's). Mone are quite young though, I'm waiting for the wisdom to set in!

[HecateQueenOfTheNight]

Prove her wrong. Don't rely on them for help, sort out other childcare. Don't need anything from them.

In time they will realise that you can cope with your child without having to have them help raise her / look after her and they'll have to change their view.

[millie30]

I think that some grandparents feel that being heavily involved with childcare and looking after their grandchildren, presumably unpaid, gives them the right to have a say in how the child is being raised, criticise/comment etc. I'm not suggesting this is right, but is it possible that somewhere along the way boundaries have been blurred slightly?

[Journey]

I don't think you should of "completely lost your temper" with her. It was you nephew's birthday after all and you were in a public place.

If you knew you were coping with your DD I don't think it would of got to you. Looking after one child as a lone parent is not a huge amount of work. Having two or more children is where the work really begins. Perhaps your Mum knows this from having you and your brother and is trying to protect you. She could do it in a more tactful way though rather than make digs.

[kaiteysmumma]

DP and I have been together for nearly a year now. The idea of another baby next year is just that, an idea. It will depend on how finances are going, but his new job is such that I am able to give up work now to concentrate on my degree.

LWITW, I was in hospital just after having DD when she said I could go back to work and she would look after DD.

ExDH has DD every weekend, from Fri night to Sun pm, with the exception of a few hours on a saturday afternoon, when we meet some family for lunch and then go out for the afternoon. He has contributed to her since he left in 2007, and although the formal arrangement is that he has her at the weekends, we have a good relationship and are both flexible when needed

[PaisleyLeaf]

Well it sounds like you've got yourself into a position where you are no longer dependent on your mum and dad, but it will just take them more than this week to learn that themselves.
To them, for now, it's just talk. In time they'll see.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP... Your parents don't have your DD just as 'their request'. They provide childcare for you.

I know that you're upset but please don't be petulant with your parents as they sound very good GPs.

This bit isn't aimed at you specifically but MN seems full of women who rely on their parents for a lot of childcare and other considerations, yet feel that they're entitled to it and that the GPs have no right to have any opinion or express any concerns they may have. It doesn't work like that. Only you know if you're guilty of that.

Have a one to one discussion with your Mum, nobody else, just to clear the air and calmly ask her what she meant. Please don't open the Pandora's box of arbitrarily cancelling things to pay her back.... because you will lose and so will your daughter.

[kaiteysmumma]

I do get what people are saying, and I agree that the reaction wasn't the best for a public place, or a 4 year old's birthday.

The only way I can explain it is that I do quite often feel I'm not good enough for DD, however hard I try. Mum knows this. Its like that bit in Friends where Rachel says about someone writing down the bits you hate about yourself and using them as a reason not to be with you. Not only do I feel like that, but one of the people I love and trust most in the world, not only thinks them but said them out loud to my face. Does that make sense?

[kaiteysmumma]

LWITW
My job is such that I only work during school hours, so in that sense they don't "provide childcare" They have her for one afternoon a week, after school, when I am at home, because they still wanted to spend time with her, after seeing her every day before she started at school.

I agree that they are fabulous grandparents, and DD adores them.

The only reason that I have cancelled lunch today, and dinner tomorrow is that I am still upset and angry with my mum, and I don't want this to escalate.

I also agree that they possibly still see me as a child, and apart from the few incidents where I have lost my rag, I am pretty good at just ignoring what they say and doing my own thing anyway, or removing myself from the situation before things get heated. Occasionally, such as when as it comes out of the blue like that, and yes, touches a nerve, I do get upset and angry

[kaiteysmumma]

To be honest, its not so much my Dad. He never really comments on it. He will give her treats and spoil her rotten, but I don't mind that so much. Grandparents prerogative, to a certain extent. I know that when she's with them, she gets things that I would not normally give her, and I'm fine with that.

I do wonder if they're worried that now DP is in the picture, they will be less a part of her life than they have been up to now. They do seem to like DP, although obviously it is very early days for them. Up until now, mum has been telling DP how much she would love another GC, and that DD needs a sibling