to think that my mother is being controlling

[smugtandemfeedershusband]

I am from a family of four brothers very close in age, and parents who have always been married. Growing up my mum literally did everything, washed up cooked and cleaned up after all five of us, we never lifted a finger, and were told off should we even try and do anything.

I am now married with two children under three, and this method of upbringing has made me largely incapable around the home and in day to day affairs, until I met my wife who has quite literally 'sorted me out.' I am now happier, run my life and that of my family in an ordered way and function much better.
However, I have pretty much now been disowned by my parents, for the following reasons: My wife and I do not really want our son to be eating unhealthy foods such as chocolate and coca cola/sweets all the time. We have told my mum this but she simply says we are wrong, ignores us and just simply won't listen. We keep finding her shovelling chocolate into my son, and giving him huge mugs of coke. Indeed, when my son was first born she waltzed in to our family home and turned her nose up at the baby things we had bought saying things like: 'i don't like this, ' or just looking at me in a way that says 'what on earth are you doing you silly little boy.' (I am 31).

It all came to a head on a recent holiday when I again saw her giving my son a large cup of coca cola and I was so fed up with it all I said nothing. I then told my wife what had happened. My wife did not get angry, just again quietly and calmly explained that as a family we did not want our son having coke. A large row erupted and my mother told me how disappointed in me she was that I had told my wife about the coke. I said we were his parents and all we wanted was for her to respect our wishes re food and drink, and that she could play with him all day long if she wanted, her response was :'I am his grandma'. I said that the reason I told my wife was that she is my wife and I tell her everything. She said to me: 'I am you mother!' Almost like she is saying 'who is more important.'

Let me know your thoughts as at the moment none of my family are speaking to me, apart from my wife and children. Thanks,

Another thing, we also have told her several times that we do not want her smoking around our children. I caught her carrying my two year old whilst smoking , and my son is now pretending to smoke with a twig. This is deeply upsetting and she has clearly ignored our views.

Your Mother needs putting in her place in no uncertain terms. She ruled the old house. You and your wife rule this one.

For her information child and wife trump Mother/Grandmother.
That's how it is.

Don't mind her histrionics and refusal to talk to you. If she can't respect your basic rights then that's her problem.

I think you've done completely the right thing in backing up your wife.

Your mother sounds controlling and nasty tbh. Could you sit down with her and explain that while you still love her, your priorites lie with your wife and son.

Actually scrap that, your mother doesn't sound like she'd listen. What does your wife think?

But keep her and her smoke/cola and bad attitude away from the kids.

Would have been better if you had told your DM about the coke instead of expecting your DW to.

You need to show a united front to your parents but pick your battles - giving occasional treats is in a GP's job description, undermining parents is not

Then I suggest you put quite a lot of space between you? Perhaps write to both of your parents & say that in the same way that they are a united front,so are you & your wife.
Point out that they did a fine job of raising you,but that times have moved on & your children will be raised according to your wishes & no one elses. Explain again about smoking,with the example given to us. This is both irresponsible & outrageous!
Explain they are welcome,but your home = YOUR rules. I would also say you find it foolish of your mother to try to push you to choose,the wife you chose & love will always win for the simple fact she does not push these ridiculous ultimatums.
Good luck!

I would leave her to sulk. She needs to realise that you and your wife make the decisions on what is best for your child and she cannot ignore that. Especially as smoking around children is not healthy. Stick to your guns on this otherwise she will continue to think she can ignore and override your decisions. And deal with her yourself so that she doesnt blame your wife for everything!

I have a bugbear about coke particularly - I would have been equally furious. But you need to be assertive. She has a choice - stick by your perfectly acceptable rules or lose her family. It is very harsh but she is being very pigheaded and trampling over your feelings.

She is a classic case of what happens when you don't gradually let your DC go, starting at a young age. There is no choice now except to cut the 'apron strings'-unfortunately she won't like it but that is tough.
Keep calm, keep telling her that you are an adult and you will do it your way. Tell her that it is her problem and she will have to sort it. Your DC doesn't drink coke etc-end of story.

I'd leave her to it completely. She knows your views, and this is bullying behaviour. Let her make the first move. YANBU at all. My parents give DD more crap than I do, but they don't see her much and I accept that GP do that. I have a few things that I do not allow however and they respect that completely. They ask if they have something to give her before they do to make sure it's not something that disagrees with her (or whatever). That's not me being an over-anxious parent, it's just my choices as a parent. Your mother is not respecting you or your wife, she needs to know this.

YANBU, you've made your feelings clear re crap/coke and smoke. If she as a grown adult can't accept it then let her tantrum like a child.

Wife here.

From my point of view I have tried so hard to politely tell her not to do certain things but quickly realised that this didnt get me anywhere at all. I have become increasingly forceful and this also didnt get me anywhere. MIL got so annoyed with me that she called my DH and asked why I was being so unreasonable. I spent hours and hours explaining it to DH, he drove 2 hours to see her to try to sort it out but she just rail roaded him into thinking that I was being a bit unreasonable.

I do get annoyed by the really small things now but its because I feel like I dont have any say in how my family is run and so I fight battles over everything now.

Her favourite sentance is "do you want some advice" no I f-ing dont. I didnt ask for any advice and I dont want any. When I have complained about all the advice I get told "Im entitled to my opinion"

When she comes to our house she takes over the running of the household. She tries to cook and clean the house, she tries to make all the cups of tea, make my DH's breakfast. We have in the past asked her to get up in the mornings to look after our possibly ASD son as we are so exhausted but realise that we cannot expect her to do this while the relationship is so messed up so we have recently made a point of not taking any help at all. I feel this is the only way forward.

We are making huge progress but its painful and we dont have any other family support. I currently feel that this is destructive family support which is actually making life much harder so we are better off without any.

Icelolly puts it very well. You do need to stand up to your mother yourself in these situations, and well done for being onside with your wife. The quickest way to the diviorce courts is to let an overbearing and manipulative mother in law rule the roost!

tbh, I think what you need to do is cut her out of your lives.

Say to her that until or unless she is prepared to respect you as parents, as a couple and as adults, she is not welome in your lives.

As long as you allow her to get away with this, she'll carry on doing it.

No doubt she sees nothing wrong with what she's doing and you're the unreasonable ones - that's her problem, not yours.

When you say you don't have any 'other' family support - what part of her being in your lives is supportive? Don't keep someone toxic in your life in the hope of the occasional babysitter, that's just crazy!

No. You need to - you, her son - tell her to stay the hell away from you until she can behave reasonably.

Hecate, as usual, well put :)

It's a constant battle to stop other people putting sugar into your kids I think.

I think cutting her out of your lives because of coke is extreme, but, I think you need to make it clear to her that wife/child trumps mother as another poster put it.

Also, on a practical level, forward her some of these excellent links on www.nutritionbynatalie.com there is a lot about sugar in there and it gives me the heebie jeebies.

oh, and something to consider - my dad's parents (now parent -his father died) were SO controlling and interfering. My uncles's first wife left him. Actually said parental interference was the reason she was leaving him. - they once let themselves into her and my uncle's home and REPAINTED IT! because they decided it would look better another colour so many things.

anyway. my uncle married again. and his second wife left him - citing ... parental interference.

Oh, and his parents would tell his daughter that her mother didn't love her.

And now he is in another relationship. And it's going the same way.

my dad, otoh, when told when he married my mum that "your mother still comes first" turned round and told his dad that if his mum had been run over and his wife had cut her finger, he'd get a plaster for his wife before calling an ambulance for his mother.

He's not twice divorced...

It's not because of coke though, is it, V?

The coke doesn't matter. It could be anything.

The issue is, is undermining. constantly. Interfering. Going against what the parents want. Suggesting that as his mother she is more important than his wife.

The cup of coke is not the point. The point is doing something that the parents have said no to. Doing it over and over. Getting angry when they, again, tell you to not do it. Telling the OP and his wife how to run their lives. Taking over the house.

The coke in itself couldn't be more irrelevent.

While I recognise that this is pretty extreme grandparental / MIL interference, I think cutting her out of your life is too extreme a step.

It sounds as though you, as a couple, have managed to keep a very calm front in the face of this behaviour, which is great, so isn't the answer to minimise seeing MIL (so that you don't blow your tops) but when you do keep up the reiterations about how you want your children to be parented (no Coke/sweets and no cigarettes near them are both reasonable requests).

Unless you feel she is NEVER going to change, I think you need to "parent" her on these issues (while protecting your children) not cut off grandparent/grandchild links.

Must disagree. in my (considerable, sadly) experience with people like that, the only way you have a hope in hell of seeing change is if you make the consequences of not changing, very painful.

Otherwise they just continue to walk all over you.

Trying to 'parent' them, try to coax them - doesn't work.

You can't appeal to their better nature.

They don't have one.

You have to make sure that the alternative is something that they would hate so much, that they rein in the crazy.

it's great that you and your wife are a team on this so your mum is getting a united front

your family, your rules

having said that, a few minor observations I hope you don't mind. It probably put your mum's back up more that the criticism of the coke thing came from your wife when it was you who saw it and really your place not hers to tell your mum off - sounds like your wife has no problem challenging your mum but it might make your mum extra prickly and more likely to go off all sulky

also, the coke/sweets thing - yes, your house your rules but perhaps a bit of leaway for grandparents or some kind of compromise you could reach with your mum? grandparents like to indulge their grandchildren. if you are very opposed to sweets then maybe you could agree on something else instead like books?

your mum sounds like she's trying to still rule the roost and needs to realise her new place in the pecking order. you and your wife sound a strong united team. Don't rush to cut ties if it's just the areas you've mentioned so far that you are clashing on. As handmini says, you need to 'parent' her towards the behaviour you want

I agree that your mum needs to have a very clear consequence of what she is doing - that is constantly undermining you and your wife, and totally disrespecting the wishes of you in how you parent your children. It is not about the coke and smoking - if it wasn't this it would be something else - she is just trying to control you.

You, as her dh, and preferably with your wife there too so she can see that you are united, need to tell her very clearly that you have had enough of her disrespectful behaviour and that she needs to know that what you and your wife say is what goes regarding your children. That until she is prepared to do this she is not welcome in your home.

Be prepared for backlash from other family members who will have only her side of the story, and you can bet it will be 'woe is me my son is refusing to let me see my beloved grandchildren all because I gave him a glass of coke, I don't know how I can go on this is tearing me apart and breaking the family up yada yada.....'. Be strong and prepared to calmly explain your reasons again and again (or to simply say something along the lines of 'you must be aware that there are always 2 sides to every story and that there is no way we would be taking this stance if it was exactly as mum says')

Good luck

Mr And Mrs SumgTandem- the most important thing here is that you continue to back each other up. As Hecate says, MIL is looking for ways to undermine her DIL and son's parenting- if it wasn't the coke , sweets and smoking, it would be something else. You need to present a united front as the parents of your child, and as a couple who prioritise your relationship with each other and your child over the demands of your mother.

If she is not speaking to you both at the moment, I'd be tempted to just leave her to it. Don't pander to the sulks. It sounds as though she wants absolute control over everybody in the family- if you contact her first, even with the aim of sorting out the issue, then she will probably see that as a "win" for her authority over MrsSmugTandem.

For me, the smoking while carrying the child would be a huge issue, probably more so than the coke. There is absolutely no way that could be interpreted as " a treat from Gran" in the way sweets/Coke might- it's about her exerting power at the possible risk to her grandchild's health. When she wants to see you all again, I'd be tempted to ensure she isn't left alone with your child. If you are both there, then you can say "please don't give him that" and take the problem item away, or take your child away to do something else while she smokes.

I agree with everything Hecate has said.

Also OP you need to stand up to your mother. Obviously you still need to tell your wife but instead of hiding behind her while she pulls your mother up you need to be the one who challenges her on whatever it is you disagree with.

A lesser consequence could be something like 'every time we see you doing something we have expressly asked you not to, or you criticise our choices in how we parent our children, you will be asked to leave immediately regardless of the situation'. That might have less drastic fallout with the wider family but will be more stressful for you and yours