to think that my mother is being controlling

[smugtandemfeedershusband]

I am from a family of four brothers very close in age, and parents who have always been married. Growing up my mum literally did everything, washed up cooked and cleaned up after all five of us, we never lifted a finger, and were told off should we even try and do anything.

I am now married with two children under three, and this method of upbringing has made me largely incapable around the home and in day to day affairs, until I met my wife who has quite literally 'sorted me out.' I am now happier, run my life and that of my family in an ordered way and function much better.
However, I have pretty much now been disowned by my parents, for the following reasons: My wife and I do not really want our son to be eating unhealthy foods such as chocolate and coca cola/sweets all the time. We have told my mum this but she simply says we are wrong, ignores us and just simply won't listen. We keep finding her shovelling chocolate into my son, and giving him huge mugs of coke. Indeed, when my son was first born she waltzed in to our family home and turned her nose up at the baby things we had bought saying things like: 'i don't like this, ' or just looking at me in a way that says 'what on earth are you doing you silly little boy.' (I am 31).

It all came to a head on a recent holiday when I again saw her giving my son a large cup of coca cola and I was so fed up with it all I said nothing. I then told my wife what had happened. My wife did not get angry, just again quietly and calmly explained that as a family we did not want our son having coke. A large row erupted and my mother told me how disappointed in me she was that I had told my wife about the coke. I said we were his parents and all we wanted was for her to respect our wishes re food and drink, and that she could play with him all day long if she wanted, her response was :'I am his grandma'. I said that the reason I told my wife was that she is my wife and I tell her everything. She said to me: 'I am you mother!' Almost like she is saying 'who is more important.'

Let me know your thoughts as at the moment none of my family are speaking to me, apart from my wife and children. Thanks,

Smugtandemfeedershusband

You need to stand together with your wife. The way your Mother treated you is not normal.

She is way too pushy and as reasoning has not worked so far you need to show her by your actions that her carry-on is not acceptable.

It is OUTRAGEOUS that she tries to cook and clean in your house and do things her way. Even the statement 'you are entitled to your opinion' to your wife is making my teeth itch.

Your Mother has serious boundary problems. That might have been the way of things is her own house but it won't fly now.

My MIL is just like this. Did everything for her DCs and when DH first lived together it was a horrible nightmare. In fact, we very nearly split up. Fast forward six years, and he's completely changed.

MIL also has issues with food. If DD asks for water she will insist on giving her cordial. Which DD doesn't like. If DD doesn't eat lunch, she gets an ice cream as she's still hungry. DD asks for fruit. There is none in her house so she gets piles of biscuits. At the root of all this is her constant undermining of our authority as parents. Everything we do is wrong, absolutely everything. My working is wrong. Our house isn't good enough. Dh's job is too hard (seriously). The way we feed our children is wrong. The fact we see friends at the weekends instead of spending every moment of every weekend with her is wrong. The way we put the DDs to bed is wrong. I could go on.

I recently decided that unless I cab trust MIL to actually try to stick to what we like, then she will not spend any time alone with my children. DH supports this. I'm not talking about regular spoiling, I'm talking about MIL trying to feed DD1 trifle (which she doesn't like) after a massive slice of cake, which she fed half to the dog as she couldn't eat it all. I said no on the grouds that she'd had the cake (and ice cream!) already and that she didn't like like. MIL actually stood there and said "I'll give you some anyway, even though mummy said no". That was the beginning of the end really.

To the OP: please don't put up with this. FWIW, I would rather none of my ILs spoke to me than have someone controlling in this way, and most upsetting of all, tacitly suggesting that DH is not a competent father as he cannot possibly know what to do.

I agree with Hecate. My own Mum is so very controlling, as was my ex husband and my former childhood best friend (as you can see, I used my Mother as a template and ended up surrounding myself with other controlling people).

Trust me, it's almost impossible to reason with controlling people as it is their primary survivial default position - they can't ever admit they are wrong as it sends their fragile house of cards mentality crashing. It's simply too scary for them. All you can do is protect yourself, and sometimes, sadly, the only way to do that, is to exit gracefully out of their lives.

I divorced my (also very abusive - often goes hand in hand sadly) ex and cut my friend out of my life - both caused me some heartache, but I am ultimately so much happier as I am allowing myself to be truly me, not the 'me' that they wanted (that mostly existed only in their heads).

Plus, and this is very important, if they try and control you, they will also, inevitably, try and control your children at some point too. (this is when I woke up and 'dumped' my friend - it's one thing messing with my head, but no-one messes with my kids!)

I don't envy you, as you are both in a horrid situation, but do trust me when I say that a strong, united front is all that will work. Your Mother/in-law needs to know that you won't tolerate her behaviour, and if that means cutting her out, then that may be the only language she will understand. Sorry.

I also agree with the other posts but wanted to add one short thing in, that you could use if all else fails, when I was faced with such controlling behaviours and had tried reasonable discussions, that had been ignored and turned round on me, I just changed my tune and said one day-

My child. My rules. End of discussion.

They were quite gobsmacked and had no comeback for that.

I agree with Nullius on the "Our child, our rules" front.

Your mum is acting like a spoilt, petulant toddler because she's been pulled up on her behaviour and she's not getting her way. Let her get on with it and ignore the 'tantrum'. It also sounds like she's trying to manipulate you by sulking in the hope that you'll come back to her full of apologies. Do not apologise. If she can't take being told that you have a problem with her undermining and disrespecting your parenting, then that's her problem.

If she respected you as parents she'd be asking what way she could help you look after your DC, not ignoring what way you bring your child up and thinking she knows better than you. Besides, if she did want to respect how you bring your DC up, then I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem leaving your child with her to be looked after.

Hope you get this sorted.

Mrs Smug again. Thanks for the messages. DH really wanted people to tell him the brutal truth. We are going through such a period of change now and we just cant continue to let others control us. DH has been very assertive with her over the past week but she has tried every controlling tick in the book to make him relent. Mostly crying to other relis now. None of them have even rung us to find out how we are. There is a family christening tomorrow. I dont even know if we should go. I feel bad about letting down SiL if we dont go. She is my best friend but its 2 hours away and reception afterwards is at MiLs house. Help.

If she is your best friend - talk to her.

Phone her up right now, tell her the situation. Ask her what she thinks you should do.

Your MIL Mrs Smug will be ringing everyone telling them how unreasonable they are. She has probably bad mouthed you before so they might believe her unless she is also like this to them. That is alway the problem with this kind of person, they paint themselves as the victim to all and sundry. Tell your SIL your side of the story, don't let your MIL blacken your name and spoil your relationship with the wider family. Don't go back to MIL's house if you don't want to, don't even go to the christening if you feel you can't but for goodness sake tell the family the reason why.

Most of the rest of the family know the situation. We have just spent a week in a holiday cottage, 14 of us including SiL. Cottage date and location chosen, booked and arranged by MiL without any consultation. Everyone heard me have a very long conversation with MiL when she told me I was being difficult.

MiL and FiL totally lost it with me in front of the whole family (slamming fists on table, slamming doors, screaming in my face). DH is ill with depresssion etc and they are refusing to accept it and telling me that he is wrong and not ill. I told her to try listening to him and she went nuts!! Everyone saw this so they know what happened and feel bad for us.

They dont however really agree that MiL is controlling. They say it is normal. Just accept it. Since then she has spent large amounts of time crying. [Sigh] Everyone feels very sorry for her and that she is genuinely upset. [Sigh]

Yes. Sure she is genuinely upset.

Her normal methods of control and manipulation have let her down.

Let her get on with it. If you go round now you'll be begging for forgiveness, which she will graciously give and she'll have won. again.

My dad's mum always takes to her bed with a bad head if she doesn't get her own way.

And she has a weak and feeble little voice when she needs something cos, oh, she's just so old and vulnerable and weak poor thing.

It's so manipulative.

And people always responded to it by begging her to come down/come round and by saying they'd do what she wanted.

While she was saying no, it's fine, don't worry about me.

what she needed was to be told, oh ok then. bye.

I seem to be the only one who can see it though. You would think in a huge huge family that someone else would see it like it is. Luckily DH is on board now but its a horrible feeling to know you have been demonised and ostracised just because you want to be a wife and mother.

Dont feel like I can ring SiL. She is staying at Mils house and doesnt have a UK mobile so I would have to ring the MiLs home phone. Not brave enough.

Don't think I have anything to say that hasn't already been said but I think you are right to be pissed off. Your mum has been treating you like a baby your whole life and obviously doesn't like it that you are now capable of making your own decisions and she can't keep control of your anymore. Giving coke to such a young child is ridiculous! So unhealthy and bad for the teeth. And of course the smoking! Stick up for yourself.

Can you go to the christening itself, make sure you converse as pleasantly as possible with as many family members as possible, and speak with your SIL about how lovely the Christening is and then apologise for being unable to go back to MIL's house (no need to give excuses by the sound of it).

Again, agreeing with Hecate- MIL is being emotionally maniupulative. Don't give in to it just to keep the peace. It's probably worth having an answer ready if somebody asks you when you are going to apologise to / smooth things over with MIL as she is so heartbroken. I hope somebody here will be able to come up with a suitably grown-up response for you to use!

Yes please help, I do need a proper grown up response to "Why dont you try and sort things out with her, she really wants to sort things out she just doesnt know how" question I have been getting so far.

We will probably go to christening, its just that we have an 8 week old puppy, a 9 month old baby and a manic 3 year old so driving 90 minutes for a one hour christening then turning round and coming home sounds difficult. I think we have decided to go though.

My DH says 'take charge'. Go to the christening, dont go to MiL afterwards. Dont apologise, dont explain. As so many on MN will say, 'no is a complete sentence'.

Then get back in the car. Take a break on the way back. Take the three year old to somewhere he/she can run around and scream and shout. Actually, join the three year old in the screaming and shouting! You have reclaimed your lives! Treat the return journey as a celebration!

Wooah! Chill out! Why does this have to be an all or nothing situation, either DM abides by all your rules or you cut her off? Just accept that she is a bossy, trouble-making old lady and stick to your guns about the coke and smoking but please don't break up a family over petty issues like these. Why do you feel everyone in your family has to abide by your rules, adults included? Life's not like that. People will always piss you off, relatives or not. Remember, you can't choose your family and you can't replace them either.