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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I contact my new sister-in-law?

36 replies

Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 20:05

My older brother and I have a poor relationship - we have a mutual dislike and a long history of this. We've had little contact especially over the last 2 years but I found out recently (slip-up by my Mum) that he's quietly got married to his girlfriend. I've never met her either but have heard from relatives that she's really lovely.

An Aunt of mine always talks about me and my family (I have 3 daughters) to her and she always expresses and interest and says she'd like to meet me. They live the other side of the country so I can't arrange a quick coffee and she only ever travels down to this neck of the woods with my brother, so I can hardly arrange for us to meet. I cannot bear to be in his company and fell out badly the last time we had contact (a whole other thread) so I really don't want to make-up, but I would really like to contact my new SIL, especially since she sounds so lovely.

I've found her profile on FB and am debating whether to contact her. I have no intentions of saying negative things about my brother but I would like to meet her (even if it is only email). Neither do I want to put her in an awkward position (brother it pretty controlling) so don't want to make her think that she has to be sneaky.

Not sure what to say to her in a message via FB though. AIBU to contact her without contacting my brother? Any suggestions on what I can say to her? Am a tad nervous!

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 29/04/2011 20:08

Erm I think itwould be extremely odd for you to contact her when you have no intention of speaking with your brother.

I think you would be putting her in a really awkward position too and could cause a potential stress in her marriage.

Contact them BOTH by all means but no not just her

Katisha · 29/04/2011 20:11

I agree.
How could you possibly maintain any kind of meaningful relationship with her under these circs?

millie30 · 29/04/2011 20:12

I don't understand why you want to contact her, your only connection is through your brother who you don't want to see.

hairylights · 29/04/2011 20:13

No. Why are you bothered about her, if you aren't bothered about your brother?

ConnorTraceptive · 29/04/2011 20:13

I have to question your motives tbh

ihatecbeebies · 29/04/2011 20:16

YABU, and it might come across as really cheeky too and will seem like you've went behind his back etc if you and your brother don't talk and you add her and arrange to meet up. She might only be being polite to your aunt by saying she would like to meet you but has no intentions of trying to have any sort of relationship with you as her husband doesn't speak to you.

QueenStromba · 29/04/2011 20:17

Maybe the OP would like to get to know her SIL so she might have a chance to meet any nieces and nephews she might have in the future?

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 20:17

Thank you both. That's what I'm worried about. I suppose I wanted to say "Hi" and at least say congratulations - I hate to think what my brother tells her about me and my husband (brother really resentful of my husband and has said some awful things about him) so I suppose I wanted to say something 'nice' - even if it is just a brief hello. I do feel a bit sad that I don't know her, but for years I've ignored or brushed my brothers behaviour under the carpet for for fear of 'upsetting' him, and I don't want to do it any more.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 29/04/2011 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnorTraceptive · 29/04/2011 20:20

Well a chance of getting to know her nieces and nephews just isn't going to happen if she refuses to have anything to do with her brother.

really what relationship can she make with her SIL when they've never met and she can't stand her husband

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 20:20

Oops -slow typer! Thanks to you all for your comments. I've no 'motives' as such, other than saying hello and congrats. I wish my brother well and hope he's happy so have no intentions of saying negative things. Maybe I should let this one go - like some of you have said - it may cause trouble and I don't want her in the middle of it.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 29/04/2011 20:22

i'm not suggesting that your brother isn't a right royal arse OP but I just don't think you can contact your SIL like this

Vallhala · 29/04/2011 20:23

Lots of people "sound really lovely" but it would be odd of us to look up strangers or virtual strangers on FB and contact them. It would be even more so if the person making that contact was on particularly bad terms with the others' spouse, so much so that to get in touch could make life awkward for the other person.

As has been said, it's highly likely that at best your motives are going to be questioned and not surprisingly IMHO.

Why on earth would you want to contact someone you don't even know anyway? It all seems very odd to want to do so.

millie30 · 29/04/2011 20:27

If you want to congratulate them, maybe you could send a nice card to them both. I think only congratulating her would look bit strange, and at least with a card you wouldn't get into a confrontation with your brother. That is, if you want any contact with him at all.

Odille · 29/04/2011 20:34

It is a difficult situation. Thinking of it reversed, imagine your brother posts here saying that his estranged sister has contacted his wife, possibly through FB, he's not sure of his sister's motives or how his sister found out that he was married as the sister has never met the wife... and in this contact the sister did not mention any interest in re-establishing contact with the brother.... he'd likely be suspicious and would get agreement here about his concerns.

IMO the best approach is to treat them as a family unit, you are in both their lives or not at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/04/2011 20:41

You could send them a wedding card, OP. Other than that, if you don't want contact with your brother, you can't make contact with your SIL.

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 21:03

Sorry for nipping off - littlest one woke.
Oh well, as much as I'm disappointed, I can see that you are all right. I won't get in touch this way. Perhaps we may meet on the off chance when we're visiting my Mum's place. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Cymar · 29/04/2011 21:04

OP, your SIL may be married to your DB, but she is still an individual and if she wants to get to know you (and you, her) then that is up to both of you. I don't see why you have to have a relationship with your DB (it helps, but it's not essential) to have one with your SIL.

If your SIL does decide to meet up with you then at least she'll get your side of the story between you and your DB.

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 21:08

Thanks Cymar, I think that's what I was thinking. In retrospect though, my DB is the type to hit the roof if he realised that we were in touch without his 'consent'. Perhaps it's best that I leave well alone and allow a chance encounter at my Mums to be the place to establish contact.

God - families!

OP posts:
SandStorm · 29/04/2011 21:08

Also, she says she's interested in meeting you - why don't you send a card and then wait for her to make the first move if she really does want to get to know you.

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 21:14

The wedding took place last August, and no one (including her family) were meant to know about it since they are saving up for a lavish celebration in her native country (she's from Beijing). I found out by total accident, got enraged at all the lies, and told my Dad (folks are long divorced). Cue mother ignoring me (she knew all along) and DB having more ammo for disliking me.

Because so much time has past, I feel a bit feeble sending a card, and even if I did, I wouldn't know how to word it since it's not really meant to be for him.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 29/04/2011 21:19

I absolutely do not agree with you contacting her - she is your brothers wife. A man you do not like, do not want to know and do not have any time for, nor do you intend to reconcile. Why does it matter what he says about you? She is his wife. If you start trying to prove how lovely you are, you are already putting trouble in her way with her husband and being a sibling, not a friend or a very nice person. Leave it alone, do not get in touch unless you are prepared to sort things with your brother. You will only put a nice lady in a nasty position otherwise.

prettyfly1 · 29/04/2011 21:20

Sorry just read the last post - why did you get enraged at all the lies? Its nothing to do with you at all - you dont even like him? You sound a bit controlling tbh.

WinkyWinkola · 29/04/2011 21:20

No way. It would cause big issues between them if you were to contact her behind his back. Pointless unless you want to cause trouble.

Send a card congratulating them both. Send warmth and perhaps something positive will emerge over time. But you can't contact her without him being part of it.

It's weird. I know how you feel op. You think you want nothing more to do with a relative but there's always something that provokes you to want to contact.

VajazzHands · 29/04/2011 21:22

Sorry I think YABU, if you have no relationship with your brother and don't want one. I can't see what makes her any different form any oterh random person it might also make things akward for her and her relationship with your brother.