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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I contact my new sister-in-law?

36 replies

Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 20:05

My older brother and I have a poor relationship - we have a mutual dislike and a long history of this. We've had little contact especially over the last 2 years but I found out recently (slip-up by my Mum) that he's quietly got married to his girlfriend. I've never met her either but have heard from relatives that she's really lovely.

An Aunt of mine always talks about me and my family (I have 3 daughters) to her and she always expresses and interest and says she'd like to meet me. They live the other side of the country so I can't arrange a quick coffee and she only ever travels down to this neck of the woods with my brother, so I can hardly arrange for us to meet. I cannot bear to be in his company and fell out badly the last time we had contact (a whole other thread) so I really don't want to make-up, but I would really like to contact my new SIL, especially since she sounds so lovely.

I've found her profile on FB and am debating whether to contact her. I have no intentions of saying negative things about my brother but I would like to meet her (even if it is only email). Neither do I want to put her in an awkward position (brother it pretty controlling) so don't want to make her think that she has to be sneaky.

Not sure what to say to her in a message via FB though. AIBU to contact her without contacting my brother? Any suggestions on what I can say to her? Am a tad nervous!

OP posts:
Cymar · 29/04/2011 21:56

OP, your SIL doesn't have to get your brother's 'consent', he's not her master and keeper and he has no right to stop her from contacting you. Maybe your DB needs to be reminded that his wife is an individual too and not someone who needs 'permission' from him to do anything.

If your SIL wants to get in touch she will, regardless of whether your DB goes nuts or not. If she does, then it'll be obvious that she has weighed up the pros and cons beforehand.

diddl · 29/04/2011 22:04

Well, if I was SIL, I wouldn´t want to know you if you weren´t in contact with my husband.

fartingfran · 29/04/2011 22:10

"for years I've ignored or brushed my brothers behaviour under the carpet for for fear of 'upsetting' him, and I don't want to do it any more"

But waiting until he's got married and then bypassing him to contact his wife - for no obvious reason other than "she sounds lovely" - is hardly an ideal way to move on from years of poor relations.

Either sort it out with him or don't bother, but leave her well out of it. She'll think you're crackers if try to befriend her anyway - it's weird behaviour.

zikes · 29/04/2011 22:14

Either try to reconcile with your brother or leave it, but don't involve his wife in your games, it's not fair on her.

Original poster
Loonytoonie · 29/04/2011 23:35

Another sorry for leaving this until now to pick up this thread again - littlest one has been sick on and off (is there another d&v bug doing the rounds again? Sad).

You've all made really valid points and have given me food for thought - thanks. I suppose it's because they (I assume my SIL & DB) are sending easter eggs and presents, that I feel compelled to thank them. Just contacting my SIL is a cop out I admit, but I really don't want a relationship with my DB.

WOuld it be U to send 'them' a thank you card for the eggs?

OP posts:
Odille · 30/04/2011 12:02

If they're in touch with you then that changes things IMO. In fact I think a thank you of some sort would be polite, whether in person, by phone or card. In your case, maybe a nice thank you card with an opening message from you about their wedding using both their names and a message from your DC about the eggs and gifts. See where that takes you?

zikes · 30/04/2011 12:11

I think the presents/easter eggs are an olive branch. If you accept them, the right thing to do is send a thank you card, in the knowledge this may be seen as being open to communication with your b.

If you don't want that, return the gifts and/or don't respond.

ZonkedOut · 30/04/2011 13:41

Have you considered that if she's so lovely, she might have had a positive influence on him, and he might have changed? The eggs are probably an olive branch from him - could you consider trying to mend fences with him and get to know her at the same time?

gkys · 30/04/2011 14:31

op are you thinking about future nieces and nephews, if you want to have contact with SIL then you will have to contact your brother or leave well alone

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/04/2011 14:40

OP... Be careful. It may well be that your SIL is trying to 'build bridges'. My SM tried to do this, without my Dad's approval. It was exhausting for us kids - and annoying - as she didn't know us, didn't know the circumstances and quite honestly, it was none of her business.

By all means thank your brother and SIL for the eggs if they sent them, but leave it at that otherwise I can foresee a rift between you and your parents if you keep on.

I agree with the poster who said that in your SIL's position, I might be curious about you but wouldn't want to know you if you didn't have or want a relationship with my husband. What's the point?

Katisha · 01/05/2011 20:57

Is this characteristic of your brother? If he is controlling, would the sending of gifts be part of his aim to re-establish contact for some reason?
I ask because if he has some sort of very controlling nature this could be fairly characteristic. Rewriting history etc.

On the other hand it may be none of that - hard to know without knowing why you stopped contact. (Not asking you to tell though.)

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