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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DD sleep in my bed

58 replies

Iwishiwasaprincess · 29/04/2011 05:28

DD (21 months old) is, for whatever reason, going through some sort of separation anxiety and is refusing to sleep in her own bed. She will sleep in my bed (with me) without issue.

She won't nap unless I lie down with her.

DH is adament that she should 'get over it' and forces her to go to bed in her room (cue HOURS of wailing, until she finally gives up, only to start wailing again in the early hours of the morning when she wakes).

He's been away this week and I've let DD sleep in my bed - we have had briliant nights sleep all week (so much so, I'm now awake and she is still asleep along side me).

I don't mind her sleeping with me, I actually quite like having her close to me and I hate putting her to bed when she is so upset. my take on it is that she will grow out of it. So, AIBU? If DD sleeps in my bed, then DH has to sleep in the spare room, which I appreciate isn't ideal. DH feels that I'm 'making a rod for my own back'

OP posts:
seeker · 29/04/2011 07:02

Don;t understand. Are you saying that if I was a psychotherapist i would know that men have the emotional range of a teaspoon and cannot cope with temporary changed sleeping arrangements which result in more sleep for everybody? That their inner child is so much to the fore that they will sulk if their baby's needs takes precedence for a while? Or that women are the family's "emotion keepers" and have to take responsibility for everyone's happiness?

Freudian thinking is widely questioned these days!

Bucharest · 29/04/2011 07:08

Do psychotherapists only have sex in the nuptial bed then?
No wonder they have such complexes.

Sirzy · 29/04/2011 07:08

I can see why you have done it, but also think you need to agree with hour dh how you are going to work things together.

It's all well and good doing it while he is away but what happens when he is back?

tinierclanger · 29/04/2011 07:14

Hmm, it's tricky because I think you need a situation that you're all happy with. I spend some of most nights in bed with DS, I used to worry about it a bit but now I've realised I actually don't mind- we all get enough sleep, it's in the latter part of the night so doesn't get in the way of marital cuddles and shenanigans, and I quite like the cuddle with DS. I presume he'll grow out of wanting mummy in his bed eventually. But Dh is ok with it, and also he stays in our bed and I climb into ds's so there's no pushing out.

Have you asked Dh why it bothers him so much? Is it just a normality expectation or does he really miss sharing the bed with you?

Original poster
Iwishiwasaprincess · 29/04/2011 07:17

I think it's what he expects, as DS (WHo is older) sleeps very well on his own now.

And I think DD's stamina (she can keep up the wailing for HOURS) gets to him too. As soon as she starts wailing, it's like she has already 'won'... because we both know that she is going to keep this whole thing going longer than we can.

He feels we should be stronger. Or that is to say, I should.

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 29/04/2011 07:21

It's not really normal to sleep on your own though is it? Or that's the way I see it. So I can sympathise with small children not liking it.

tinierclanger · 29/04/2011 07:24

There's a whole section in the no cry sleep solution for toddlers about this. I'd recommend having a look at that.

MrsVidic · 29/04/2011 07:26

I'm going to ask you to ask yourself a very important question. Who is this for, you? Or your daughter? Are you delaying the inevitable so you can sleep? Is it your guilt/ feelings you are protecting or your dc's? How sustainable is this? At what cost is it?

Then you can decide if yabu :-)

Original poster
Iwishiwasaprincess · 29/04/2011 07:30

OK...

It's for me (not wanting DD to cry / be upset)
It's for DD (she prefers sleeping with me)
I do feel guilty leaving her to cry, and I do like the feeling of snuggling with her.

I suppose I don't know if i'm delaying the inevitable. My DS grew out of wanting to sleep in my bed (he was, largely, the same as DD, but not as robust about it!) and I am hoping that DD will grow out of it too.

SO, I just need the benefit of hindsight. Confused

OP posts:
bessie26 · 29/04/2011 07:31

Could you sleep (with her) in her room? Then DH gets to stay in his bed, DD gets the comfort of being with you, and you can hopefully start sneaking off back to your own bed in a few weeks(?) when she's feeling a bit more settled?

nooka · 29/04/2011 07:37

I think that learning to self settle is really important and would have worried if my two past small babyhood were totally unable to go to sleep on their own. But having said that I hated having them in bed with me as I'm a light sleeper and they were both very restless (plus dd used to grind her teeth).

I guess the issue for the OP is whether this is just a phase that her dd will pass through in a few weeks or if this is a longer term problem. That it is a bone of contention between her and her dh makes me think that they need a plan that they are both comfortable with (and where her dh is pulling his weight if he is just opting out at night).

Could you try a very gradual process perhaps, starting with lying by her, then moving to sit next to her on the bed, then sitting on the floor by her bed, then sitting by the door of her room etc until she is more relaxed about sleeping in her own room? We did this for a while with dd (long time ago as she is 10 now). She could also scream for hours until she got whatever she felt she needed at the time (ds would zonk out in minutes with the same approach).

She has grown up into a most delightful daughter, but that first year or so left a mark on us both and had a fairly serious impact on our relationship.

Original poster
Iwishiwasaprincess · 29/04/2011 07:41

I just find DD hard to say no to.

When I pick her up - if she senses I'm annoyed with her - she says over and over: I sorry, I sorry. And she looks like she really means it. It's like she can't help herself.

I think it's made worse because she is 'the baby'. We are def. not going to have any more babies, so I suppose, she is babied. (Her eldest sister is 16)

OP posts:
bonkers20 · 29/04/2011 07:51

If your DH is not doing nights then you get to call the shots on how to get the most sleep. IMO, if she needs to have the comfort of a parent at the moment for whatever reason then you should give her that. You can gently encourage her back to her own bed when the time is right.

You being a stressed, sleep deprived wreck will do more damage to your marriage than not sleeping in the same bed as your DH.

seeker · 29/04/2011 08:09

She is "the baby" because she is a baby!

And you are not "delaying the inevitable. She is changing and grwoing all the time - she'll be a different person ina months time with different needs and wants. Right now she needs/wants to be with ner mummy. Quite reasonably.

OkeeDoeKee · 29/04/2011 08:22

As a word of warning I have yet another awful night due to my 6 nearly 7 year old DS coming to sleep in our bed. DP works away so is not here every night but that doesn't really help as DS sleeps horizontally across the bed and spends all night kicking me!

I often go into his bed to get peace. We have had words about it and it works for a couple of nights and then he's back again! He has even been heard to refer to 'my' bed as 'our' bed. When will it end???

tryingtoleave · 29/04/2011 08:34

DS was in our bed from 11 months until he was 4.5 (we had a queen and single next to each other). For the last year or so he started off in his bed and then came into ours in the middle of the night. Finally, he said he wanted a double bunk. I said he could have one as long as he didn't get out in the middle of the night, as it could be dangerous. He agreed and moved out of our room with no crying or angst of any kind. I'm glad we waited. I have no regrets. The only only thing I regret was the one night we left him to cry for two hours before I gave up and took up cosleeping.

wolfhound · 29/04/2011 08:37

Most nights at the moment DH and I start off together in our bed. By the morning DH is usually in the spare room with DS1 (3.5) and I am usually in our bed with DS2 (21mths like your DD). DC3 arrives in 2 months so things will get even more complicated then. After a few weeks of putting them back in their own beds we were too exhausted to cope, so this way we get most sleep.

And by the way, DS1 slept in our bed till he was 15 mths. Then slept all night every night in his own bed till he was 3.5. And now has suddenly started coming into our bed again. I don't think that there are any guarantees with any method, so don't worry about setting habits. Many people have said to me that after about the age of 8, children rarely come into parents' beds, until then, it's easier to go with the flow :)

justpaddling · 29/04/2011 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenBananaTantrum · 29/04/2011 08:49

I apologies for not having read.the whole thread but I wanted to tell you about what we did. DD has been sleeping in our bed for the last two years. She will be 5 yo in July. Our main aim was for us all.to get a good nights sleep and this was the only way for that to happen. We put a.single bed next to ours and have all slept brilliantly. Last night DD decided that she wanted to sleep in her own bed and went to sleep and only woke once and I just popped her back in and she went off. They are only little once and DD is also a.child who needs lots of physical contact and suffers separation anxiety from time to time. I find if I let her stay close for a few days it goes.quicker than if I try and get her to "get on with it".

BrokenBananaTantrum · 29/04/2011 08:51

PS I shed a tear last night when she went in her own bed. She is growing up a bit now and I'm proud of her but I did love having her with us.

EveWasFramed72 · 29/04/2011 09:16

OP, she is a baby!! If what she needs right now is to be close to you, then that's what she needs, and it doesn't seem fair to deny her. It's unnatural to let her cry when all she wants is to be close to you.

Both my DCs (4 and 3), slept in their own cots pretty well as babies, self settled, all that good stuff. BUT, in the last year or so, one or the other of them gets into bed with DH and I in the night, and we don't deny them, ever. IMO, they are needing something from us that they aren't getting in the daytime, so we just go with it. Most of the time, we all sleep fine in our own beds, but there are times when we have constant company. I love their nighttime visits...it's snugly and close and lovely to have my 'babies' near me...they won't be small very much longer.

I don't think it's a 'rod'... and I wouldn't worry...by the time your DD is a teenager, she'll be properly mortified at the thought of sleeping with you! :)

ScroobiousPip · 29/04/2011 09:47

YANBU. Especially if your DH 'doesn't do nights' (sounds like code for lazy git). You all need a decent night's sleep and your DD needs to feel secure. You do whatever you need to do to achieve that. It won't last forever. Relax, enjoy your time snuggled up with DD and forget all mention of rods.

And as for your DH - well, if he won't do night resettling, I don't think he deserves much of a say, tbh!

nethunsreject · 29/04/2011 09:51

Yanbu

It is normal practice in most cultures.

Anything for sleep!

kw1986 · 29/04/2011 11:13

YANBU

My 3yo DD has just ended a 3-4 week stint of refusing to sleep anywhere but my bed. I think her problem was she thought there was monsters in her bedroom and nothing I said helped. But she'd be out like a light if she was in my bed even if I wasn't there. I just let her get on with it as I'm single so no worries there.

About a week ago she decided herself to go back to her own bed. So I think she got the comfort she needed from sleeping in my bed and it gave her time to forget about the monster thing.

Anytime DD goes through a phase of sleeping in my bed I don't really mind. I know she won't still be doing it at 16. And she's prob just looking for comfort.

jellybeans · 29/04/2011 11:20

YANBU Our 2 year old has shared with us since he was 13 months and can stay here till ready. Older ones were about 4/5. First 2 were 2/3.

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