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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to come out (willingly) on my birthday?

26 replies

practicallyimperfect · 28/04/2011 14:55

I am 30 at the weekend, and have planned a meal with friends, followed by a few drinks. No clubbing, nothing huge. Dh has been moaning all week about staying out late, and "why do I have to try and pretend I am 19 again", going into city centre etc. I had suggested to friends that we might go somewhere that has a dance floor, simply as I love to dance and haven't been out for years.

He says I should just do something in day, he won't come if his moaning will ruin it (but then I have to explain where he is)

I am not looking forward to it now, as I will be thinking about him and what a crap time he is having.

Is it too much to ask him to come out on my birthday, do whatever it is I want and not ruin it with moaning?

OP posts:
justpaddling · 28/04/2011 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 28/04/2011 14:58

Oh...I misunderstood 'come out...'

SomethingProfound · 28/04/2011 15:00

YANBU - he is being rather selfish. Go and have a good time with out him and if people ask why he is not there, just tell them he is being a miserable sod and decided to stay in!

VinegarTits · 28/04/2011 15:00

tell the miserable bastard to stay in then, you will have a much better time without him

JamieAgain · 28/04/2011 15:00

Is he often like this about social events or is it a new thing?

It's not too much to ask, and he should think before he puts a downer on such an important occasion. Only reason I ask the above is to distinguish whether there's something unusual going on, like depression, or whether he's being a bit of an arse.

SomethingProfound · 28/04/2011 15:01

Purple i did that too! [cgrin]

MixedClassBaby · 28/04/2011 15:09

I think that you should plan to do whatever you want to do. It's up to him whether he wants to come or not and it's not fair of him to try to get you to change your plans to suit him. However, I don't think you should try to make him come along against his will either.

My DP's a bit like this and I've had to learn to accept it. My friends know what he's like and that he's a nice bloke but understand that my (and their) idea of a good night out isn't necessarily his.

It is a bit disappointing at times but we do stuff together that we both enjoy. Could you arrange a separate night/day out with just him?

GingerbreadGiraffe · 28/04/2011 16:00

YANBU to want you husband to come out on your birthday. Sad

No point him going if he is going to be miserable though.... I'd hate the night out you described, but understand why others love it.

Could you not have a night out with DH- just a meal maybe and then go out with friends alone and do the fun stuff described?

Not sure what I'd do if my DH wanted me to do something like that.... I've turned down hen w/ends for same reason before. Not sure it wins me friends but I dislike events like that to a point that I'd be miserable and my spare time is too short...

All the best.

RoyalFucker · 28/04/2011 16:07

is the group a mixed group or you, your girly friends and just DH to tag along ?

if that is the case, he has a point

if not, he is a boring twat and you can tell him that from us

squeakytoy · 28/04/2011 16:10

He sounds like a boring miserable old fart. Leave him at home to watch Midsommer Murders with his cocoa, and go out have some fun with your mates!

Original poster
practicallyimperfect · 28/04/2011 17:13

It is a mixed group, mostly husbands and wives joint friends.

It isn't like a big piss up, several people going don't drink.

I will tell him to stay at home, if he doesn't want to come.

OP posts:
SlightlyRegal · 28/04/2011 17:18

TBH I think this is the 'thin end of the wedge'.

My DF started doing this years ago and my mum went along with it for an easy life - initially making fabricated excuses and eventually just having to admit he would 'rather stay home'. After years of being made to feel like a 'single woman' every time she went out (fine if you are, not if your not) he has become bitter and resentful and my dad's unwillingness to bite the bullet and have a nice time.

It's ok to be a homebody if that's what you prefer, but part of being a partnership is making an effort a few times a year to do things that you don't really want to do, and more importantly do it WITH GOOD GRACE

Not only should he come out but he should do it with a great big smile on his face IMO

Tell him you understand that he doesn't like going out but it's your 30th and you would feel really let down if he wasn't part of your celebration. If he still resists, he is a selfish twunt.

SlightlyRegal · 28/04/2011 17:19

sorry she has become bitter not he

NettoSuperstar · 28/04/2011 17:20

I also misunderstood. [cblush]

MackerelOfFact · 28/04/2011 17:21

Another one who thought you wanted him to declare himself gay on your birthday...!

JamieAgain · 28/04/2011 17:44

practically - is this a new thing or has he always not liked going out?

Original poster
practicallyimperfect · 28/04/2011 17:56

It is quite new. Before ds we would go out to gigs, and stuff regularly. It has happened slowly, to the point that he won't go. If it is his friends, where he feels comfortable it is different.

It is just the selfishness that gets me. He has done it for weddings if my friends. Yet I have been to numerous weddings, social things where I know no-one, not my thing etc. I see it as part of being a couple.

And he does know everyone going and considers the husbands mates.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 28/04/2011 17:59

So your mum is bitter and resentful at your dads unwillingness to bite the bullet and have a good time slightlyregal, even thought she knows he hates going out?

And do it with a big smile on his face?

The poor man.

How can you make someone enjoy themselves??

I get that with unavoidable things that if you have to do it then do it with good grace, but I hate the thought of constantly forcing someone to do shit they don't like.

Honeybee79 · 28/04/2011 17:59

yanbu

JamieAgain · 28/04/2011 17:59

It is affecting your life with him so I think you need to get to the bottom of it - why doesn't he feel comfortable with your friends? Is he anxious and avoiding other things? and ask him to make more effort.

Me and DH are mis-matched in terms of how sociable we are, which can cause a bit of tension, but I do make an effort.

And a 30th Birthday is a big deal

Original poster
practicallyimperfect · 28/04/2011 18:02

Thanks. It isn't like I want him to go out every week, or even month. I haven't been out for my birthday for two years so it really is an exception.

I will talk to.him

OP posts:
SlightlyRegal · 28/04/2011 18:23

Agent I don't think that's fair.

Dad is lovely but very lazy and won't put step out of his comfort zone, ever. For anyone. My mum accepts that he like to stay home so goes to cinema, dinner etc with friends but for years he has not come out on her birthday, mother's day, christmas family stuff - anything. He never goes anywhere with her for no reason other than he just can't be bothered to make the effort.

Thats ok for 95% of the time, but the reason she is bitter now, is that she accepts the 95% but struggles with the other 5% when she feels (and I agree) that you put a smile on your face and make an effort.

I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

Original poster
practicallyimperfect · 28/04/2011 18:40

Thanks. It isn't like I want him to go out every week, or even month. I haven't been out for my birthday for two years so it really is an exception.

I will talk to.him

OP posts:
moondog · 28/04/2011 18:46

That's outrageous |Regal.
Do any memebers of the family take him to task over it and point out how it upsets yuor mother?
I would be very angry if it ws my father doing this.
What does he do when you are all out then?

SlightlyRegal · 28/04/2011 19:36

Moon. I am an only child and so is my mum. My dads siblings are all in Australia - we have no family, literally. I have become a bit of a surragete husband to my mum for special days and she does have some really close friends. My DH now has stepped up to the plate and takes her out for tea sometimes, but it shouldn't fall to us just because my dad can't be arsed.

Dad is lovely in other ways, reliable, patient, honest, brilliant dad and grandad but utterly shit at going the extra mile if it means going out. He will happily sit in the garden with a book, go for a quiet walk, watch tv or push the Hoover round while we are out, but if you take him to task, he gets stubborn and it's just not worth it.

That's why I told OP to think carefully before dismissing his reluctance as no big deal. I think a 30th is a big deal and an effort should be made.

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