to ask gps not to bring dd treats every week?

[familyfun]

dds behaviour is awful at the moment, she is 3.9 and doesnt listen, shouts, screams, tantrums, moans and whinges.
yesterday she had a major tantrum having her hair brushed whih involved her throwing herself on the floor and screaming so i said no treats after nursery and stucjk to it.
today another major tantrum about getting ready when she told me to stop bossing her around and went to the toilet and then sat on the carpet with a pooy bum so another bad morning so again ive said no treats after nursery.
so if gps visit and bring dd chocolate/books/toys which they do every week despite it being easter and dd having 10 eggs under the stairs aibu to say she cant have them till she behaves.
tbh it pisses me off that they buy all this anyway asdd is getting spoiled and has started asking people what they have brought her, i keep saying people dont have to bring her anything but its a losing battle as evey week more stuff arrives.
or do i just accept stuff and say she can have it when she bahaves herself.

are they your parents or in laws? if they are yours tell them no more stuff at the moment, or ask you beforehand. if they are your in laws DH should do it. defo at nearly 4 she can't get what she wants when she wants it, she has to learn that unacceptable behavior is not rewarded.

you are the parent and gps have to respect your decisions.

You are the parent. what you say goes. Therefore no treats a she has misbehaved. actions have conequences and you dont nee3d to be undermined.

both but inlaws worse. they literally bring her an outfit and toys or books and chocs every week and pocket money too, even a week before xmas or birthday its endless, but my mom does it too with a bit of choc or a magazine and i will tell her to stop at the moment.
i used to be able to take her shopping and if she asked for anything she accepted it was soemtimes yes sometimes no. now she asks for everything and says why not what can i have as though she should have a present every time we enter a shop, which we cant afford to do and dont want a spoilt brat anyway.
its so hard as they like to treat her but id rather they took her to the park or to feeds the ducks as a treat.

I will recommend ' How To Talk ' book to you

I am reading it at the moment

It is helping me a little bit wrt doing the not bribing/threatening bad behaviour which then results in tantrums, strops, shouting etc

BUt you are right to ask ils not to bring treats

Mine get too much from GPs too

should i ask them not to bring them at all or keep them here till she behaves? if they bring them she will keep nagging for them.
also inlaws will say oh just give her them she didnt mean it, a bit wont hurt her like they normally do.

give me some tips notnowbernard.
im trying to ignore her bad behaviour but how do i ignore when im asking her to put her coat/shoes on/ stand still to have hair brushed/suncream on and she is ignoring me and running off to play. if i ignore this she will be left to play and be late for nursery and i have a 5 month old to look after too.

YANBU

You need to speak to your mum, your DH needs to speak to his. Point out to them that you're the ones who have to deal with DD's behaviour so they need to respect your wishes on this.

OK

Erm...

Will try and remember , hang on!

I think you need to say. We've done just that because our 2 year old has also started asking for presents at random moments and from every visitor. We said that it was lovely that everyone wanted to treat her, and wasn't she lucky to have so many people who cared about her, but just at the moment we needed to show her that there are other ways to show we love her, not just presents, and that obviously, as we all love her, the last thing we want to do is turn her into a spoilt child. Could we have their help for a bit while we show her that life isn't all about material things?
It worked, sort of! She's still had a few bits but the flow has lessened to a trickle and my family (my folks, my grandparents, my sister, my aunt...) always grin guiltily when handing over anything they have brought - to which I can smile and explain that I didn't mean no presents, ever, just not beautifully gift wrapped toys every time they see her (every few weeks). And that way, we now have a better balance - they get to give her things occasionally and she doesn't see them as her own personal ongoing version of father Christmas!

Speak to your parents and your in-laws, tell them exactly what you have said here, that her behaviour is becoming very bratty, and much as you really appreciate the treats, she doesnt deserve them at the moment and is becoming quite cheeky and spoiled.

As for ignoring bad behaviour, that is wrong in my opinion. If a childs bad behaviour is ignored, a child then gets the message that it is acceptable.

Give a choice shall I put your suncream on or do you want to do it?
Do you want the blue brush or the red brush to do your hair etc etc

Avoid nagging ie, ask just once "DD put on your shoes now, please". If she ignores, ask "can you tell me what I just said?" - if she has heard, you say something like "ok now I know, I won't need to ask you again"

One word statements ie to follow on from previous, if shoes STILL not on feet, ypou say "dd, SHOES!"

There's loads more but I need to think!

YANBU!

Agree with the giving choice thing. Gives them the illusion of control.

I would also recommend getting down to her level and ensuring she is looking at you when you give her a particular instruction. Sometimes they are so busy playing they won't hear you!

We have a relation who does that so we just asked them not to bring something everytime they come as the dcs were starting to expect it. They were asking what he had got them as soon as he walked in the door of course that is very rude. All it took was a few times of him turning up without a gift, them asking, me explaining that you don't get gifts everytime etc for them to realise that they couldn't expect it. Just ask the gps to do the same and explain it is making your dc spoilt. They should respect that if you are firm enough. maybe suggest they restrict it to every 2nd or 3rd visit.

I do the choice thing a lot with dd2, esp re clothes (otherwise it's a daily battle)

The "What did I just say thing" is great with dd1 (7yr) and then the 1 word follow-up

What other things does she kick-off about or is it mainly not listening?

YANBU We tried it with MIL as she brought carrier bags full of sweets. She also got them out the bag ( a large 99p size haribo bag) and gave them to DD when we said she hasn't had dinner yet and could have them after!! DH said could you bring fruit or a colouring book if you want to bring something. It lasted 1 week. She also said 'don't tell me what I can give to MY OWN grandchildren!!' and is quite happy to tell DH 'off' in front of our DC!

So, 15 years on and 5 DC and she brings a bag full still but I let them share one bag and keep the rest till later. If there is excess, DH takes them to work or throws away. If they are kept in, the kids just mither. Also, me and DH don't keep sweets in as we are dieting and would be tempted to eat them!

Luckily, we only see them once every couple of months as they live further away now (phew!). So the sweets aren't that bad anymore. When we saw them more often it was excess, even the kids said it was too many!!!

I would say could you not bring sweets/treats every week and could you some weeks not bring any. It will backfire on them as the kids will come to expect them and to value it more than the actually visit if the ILs are unpleasant people.

I think i deserve a medal for tolerating my MIL. But it is easier when we all get on. Seeing them less helped too. If they don't respect you, see them less. They may get the message that they need to be nice if they want to see more of you.

the worst times of the day are getting up and breakfast and getting out by 8.30 which isnt early as dd2 is up at 6 and dd1 at 7 so plenty of time, but dd1 sits with a bowl of cereal and doesnt get on with eating, ive tried leaving her to it she goes hungry, ive tried nagging her and i bore myself, so now after sitting there chatting she shovels it in her mouth as im dragging her out the door, everything is rushed last minute as she talks and gawps round the room so much.
another bad time is dinnertime, again too much talking, trying to race people and spilling her food, staring sbout, getting down for wees, then shovelling it down as im clearing the table.
bathtime she plays up and bedtime she drags out, she has her own pace which is beyond slow. unless she is outside when she is superfast.

i will try more choices.
i will continue to ban sweets/choc till she behaves.
i will atempt to curb the presents.
but i have been told by inlaws there is something wrong with dd if she cant eat a huge rock lollipop bu the age of 3 or a giant tub of jellybeans so its losing battle.
they have also bought choc and placed it on her highchair tray as a baby while she was eating her dinner and thought we were being fussy when we told them off for not waiting till after. and they wanted dd2 5 months to have choc for easter as there friends baby is covered in choc , god help me.

she asked my mom the other day what she had bought her , luckily my mom has the sense to say nothing this time but inlaws would give her something/money.

Two things really. Firstly, I really wonder what goes through the heads of these militantly generous grandparents. I'm sure they didn't shower their own children with constant and regular gifts precisely because it creates a misplaced sense of entitlement. It isn't kind or helpful to spoil a child and being a grandparent is no excuse at all. You simply don't have the right to interfere so unhelpfully. I feel I can say this because I am a grandmother and while I simply adore my baby dgd, there is no way that I arrive with armloads of presents every time I see her and this won't be changing as she grows up. I'm very conscious that my ds and dil will not want a bratty little girl who demands gifts from every visitor and actually, I don't want a granddaughter like that either!! So I think, OP, that you need to say, tactfully, that the present giving is better kept for special occasions, especially as it is not helping your dd's current behaviour.

Secondly, and regarding the tantrums, I'd avoid nagging and drama. Set some rules for behaviour at the table which include no getting down and wandering around. Make sure she has a wee before mealtimes so that can't be used as an excuse and set an understandable time for meals to last - if you need to be out by 8.30 then breakfast needs to be finished and cleared away by 8. Does she have a set bedtime? Only I don't think it matters if a 3 year old is slower at getting ready for bed provided they are actually in there, ready for a story by the time you've decided is suitable. You can't stop all the tantrums by being reasonable but you can make it a lot less rewarding to throw one!!

You can definately say it to the grandparents, and of course I asolutely agree with you its the right thing to be done to lessen the bad behaviour by having no treats, and of course learn the value of receiving streats,

However, whether they actually listen to you and stop buying is another thing completely.

Just as an example I had suggested to my parents (at their request) for ideas for a birthday gift, pyjamas and Mum already had a Disney book as well, so I thought great, no plastic tat, nice book and pyjamas.
Week of the birthday arrives and what does he receive? Pyjamas, the book, Peppa Pig plastic watch, massive plastic 4x4jeep (which he asked me to take away as he's scared of as its so loud).

So good luck.

Reward/sticker charts work well at this age. Grandparent treats could also be linked to that.

A few more thoughts from me (Oh the bitter memories of having a 3yo...)

Pick your battles (which one annoys you the most?) Chose to focus on that one first

Try to avoid 'negativity' by not starting sentences addressed to DD with "You" - Eg "You still haven't finished your cereal" becomes "I see cereal still in the bowl"

I'd maybe set limits around mealtimes but try and ignore as much of the 'bad' behaviour as possible. Maybe have 15m for breakfast - if it's not eaten in that time, remove - but give time updates, Eg "10 minutes left for eating breakfast", "1 more minute for breakfast then we're getting dressed" etc

The book says to let them know how their behaviour makes YOU feel, without putting the blame on them - so you say something like "Mummy gets annoyed when Iwe have to rush, rush, rush around getting ready for nursery"

HTH - am hoping it's going to help me, too

yes you are helping notnowbernard thanks
well today obviously dd was at home due to wedding and her behaviour has been mostly good so maybe its nursery, getting over excited/bit nervous about going that makes her misbehave more, although she missed her friends over easter.
i have made a conscious effort to nag less and be more positive, she has eaten all her meals quite quickly, i think mayeb i start the meal telling her to hurry as we have to be out etc etc and im nagging her before she has even started ,
when she started to whine a bit i just told her to talk properly and she did.
ive given choices.
my mom visited and gave her a magazine so ive asked her not to bring anything for the next few visits and she has agreed. ils gave her an apple and some coppers yesterday and dp emphasised that we much prefer her to eat fruit rather than sweets/choc and she has loads from easter, we didnt actually want them to bring an apple but at least they didnt bring choc.
she has a reward chart but gets a cross for breakfast/lunch/dinner normally, hopefully that will change.
the last 2 tantrums have been having her hair done, sceaming throwing about shouting real rages when she goes bright red and is nearly sick, yesterday i held her firmly and didnt speak to her and just brushed it and tied it up quickly then carried on as if she wasnt on the floor and today she didnt tantrum so ignoring her worked.
thanks i need all the advice

Could your DH suggest to inlaws that as you really don't want her to have loads of sweets etc every week, but you do understand that they want to give her gifts, maybe they could put a bit of money aside each week and put it in a bank account for her when she is older. Once she gets used to the fact they don't always bring presents she will be fine now ( and will love them for just reading a story to her/playing a game etc), but she will be over the moon later and really appreciate how amazing her grandparents are when she realises the amount that has built up for driving lessons/gap year/university fees!